Name: Relationship Advice To Fall Asleep To...
Uploaded: 2025-08-16T22:33:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Relationship Advice To Fall Asleep To...' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Relationship Advice To Fall Asleep To...' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-16. Transcript available.

Relationship Advice To Fall Asleep To...

Boyfriend turning into a landlord. Ew. Hey Bill, lady listener here. So my
boyfriend has
recently started to toy around with the idea of investing in property and it's
giving me the
ick. Why? I generally do not see landlords as a net positive for society. It's
a scummy way to
make money in my opinion. Well, listen, there's good landlords and there's bad
landlords. And I think
that you looking at this thing in absolutes is a little immature. And also him
by becoming a
landlord could be the landlord that sets the fucking tone. I've had good
landlords and I've
had shitty ones and I've had okay ones. So it's giving me the ew. It's giving
me the
ick. Um, I don't like early on. I don't like how you're expressing yourself.
Like you're
still in junior high. All right. Sorry. I'm coming out of the flu. I'm a little
fucking
judgmental here. I've never envisioned being with someone whose goal is to
essentially sit
on their ass and collect money each month from people who actually work and
create value in
society. I know I'm being hyperbolic. Is that what you're saying? I know, but
you get the
point. No, I don't get the point. You don't have any respect. What you need to
do is sit
down and talk to landlord. Oh, oh my God. You just opened a can of worms. Hey,
to educate
ew, ick, gag me with a spoon chick here. I want landlords to write in and talk
to me about
some of your star tenants that you got in there and immediately stopped paying
fucking rent and
weren't supposed to have a dog and it chewed up all the fucking molding and the
drugs that
they did in there and, and, and, and the damage that they did in the, and then
they just fucking
took off and they were dead beats and you couldn't get anything out of being. I'm
going to tell you
something right now. If your argument of being a landlord is a fucking
nightmare, it's a fucking
nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. Um, that is not a fucking easy job. And
the last thing you do
is sit on your ass. After a while, if you get a bunch of properties and then
you get a property
manager, you can take away some of the day to day, but this is how it works.
You know,
when the cat's away, the mice will play, right? So if you have a fucking
business, the further you are
away from that fucking business, the more people are going to steal and not do
their fucking job.
It's a very difficult job. And you are, you are, you are turning tenants into
heroes that are just
working and landlords are like these fucking blood suckers or whatever. And it's
just, it's,
that's just not the case. All right. There's blood sucking landlords.
Absolutely. But they're
not all like that. Most of them, it's a fucking nightmare. Um, I know some
people that have become
landlords and they have one story after another about getting a fucking
nightmare tenant in there
and they can't get them out in the damage that they do and how the law so
protects the tenant over
the landlord. Um, anyway, that said, it generally gives me the ick.
She's still talking like this, thinking about my boyfriend being a landlord and
over time growing
his portfolio so much for that. I have considered breaking up with him over
this. Am I being dramatic
or is this actually a valid reason to break up with someone? Thanks bill and go
fuck yourself.
No, I think you should 100% break up with this guy. 100% break up with this guy
because you're
going to destroy this guy's ability to make this dream come true because you
are completely,
you are so judgmental and you are also so out of your fucking mind with your
idea of the man
and the working man and like just glorifying anybody who's a fucking tenant.
You have no idea what
you're talking about and you're not going to support him and you're going to
judge him in a very like,
you know, black and white. Um, I don't know, like when I'm reading this, this
sounds like the first
draft of like a fucking cartoon about a script, like a Pixar movie about a
landlord and a family
and you know, we need to have conflict. So, you know, they have the landlord
and he's evil and he's
money grubbing and these, these tenants are just good working people. Um, I
hate to say this.
There's very few good people in the world. Most people are lying pieces of shit
that if given the
opportunity will steal from you, will take advantage from you and will not take
advantage and will not
own up to their sense of responsibility. If I ever told you the fucking stories
of just me being in
this business and the people that I held near and dear and thought they were
friends and they turned,
the first opportunity they came around, they fucking stole from me. Like I, you
need to live more of a life
and you're also an adult and you need to learn how to express yourself better
than saying it gives me the
ick and it gives me the ew and using a green emoji fucking face. Um, yeah, you're
not a fully,
I'm really going hard on you, but it's the truth because you're not a fully
formed adult. And this fucking guy,
he's, he's basically going to basically start off in a job that is, is a very
difficult fucking job.
Um, because most tenants are assholes. Like most people rent a car and then
they, they just go out
and beat the shit out of the car just because it's not their car. Like that's
the kind of respect that
they have for other fucking people's property. And they think it's funny and
they don't have any guilt
when they do shit like that. They just fucking assholes. Um, that's how most
people are. And now
you're going to fucking give them a fucking place to live. All right. That you
fixed up and all that.
And then they're going to come in there and because it isn't theirs, they're
not going to treat it with
respect and they're going to fuck the whole thing up and then skip out of the
last month's rent. So
you can't at least use their deposit to fix up some of it. I mean, that's okay.
And I'm not saying
I've had bad landlords. I had a fucking, a property manager break into my
apartment and
steal shit out of it while I was on the fucking road. And I confronted him
about it. He goes,
what are you gonna do about it? I have the power. You know, I've had that
experience too. And then
I've had, I've had great landlords. So, um, you need to break up with your
boyfriend and then you
need to go grow up. All right. That's what it is. Okay. It's giving me the icks
and the ews. Oh God.
All right. Here's the last one here. Accidentally killed girlfriend's cat. Don't
know what to do.
Uh, got myself into a little bit of a moral dilemma. I'd appreciate some advice.
My girlfriend of
seven months, seven months has an outdoor cat who was really smart and could
always find her way back
home. Anyways, you can probably see where this is going where I can see where
it's going in the title.
He said, you accidentally killed your girlfriend's cat. I'm driving to her
place less than a block
away. Not really watching the road. And I hit the fucking thing. Died on impact
practically in two
pieces. Hey, we can, that's all we can all pray for, huh? A quick death. I hit
the fucking thing.
All right. Uh, but my girl had this cat for some four years and has a serious
emotional attachment.
I'm not trying to be the asshole who killed her cat. So I had a couple of
sturdy plastic bags in my car,
uh, a towel and a water bottle. Sounds like it just came from the gym and a,
and a seven 11.
And without getting into the gritty details within 10 minutes, look like
nothing ever happened.
I chucked it into a dumpster a few blocks away. Oh God, get, get a car wash to
be extra cautious and
drive back to her place. So, uh, it's been two weeks and I haven't told her she's
freaking posted
at least 30 missing cat photos all around the neighborhood and anywhere even
remotely nearby
fucking crying and all of that shit. It's messing with my conscience and our
sex life. There's,
there you go. There you go. You selfish bastard. I feel like if she knows it's
deadzo, she'll be able
to move on. But also with me covering it up for so long, I'd be in a good bit
of trouble. So to say
the least, help me out here on what I should do. The, the SS coming clean, that
ship sailed.
That ship sailed right after you cleaned up the crime scene and threw it in a
fucking dumpster.
Here's what you do. You don't say a fucking word.
You don't say a fucking word. It's over, dude. It's over. There's no,
do you let her cry for two fucking weeks and you knew that it's over. Um, and
then also you have to,
you got to ask yourself, am I going to marry this person? All right. Here's the
deal. If you're going
to marry this person, don't ever fucking tell her. All right. If you don't want
to marry this person,
you got to do a two, you got to do a two for one here. You have to break up
with her and then also
tell her that you killed her cat, but not in that order. You tell her that you
killed her cat.
All right. And then hopefully she'll break up with you. Oh, wait, do you open
with killing her cat?
Oh, dude. This, this, no, I don't know if this is around the holidays. I think
you got to do it.
Look, if you want to stay with her, if you love her,
are you going to marry this woman? If you're going to marry this woman, don't
tell her you killed a
cat. If you're not going to marry a woman that I, you know, I don't know. I
know there's a lot of
people also horrified by this fucking story, but like, I mean, the cat was dead.
What are you supposed
to do here? I mean, he should have told her, but I mean, as far as like
throwing the thing in the
dumpster, I mean, if I die and somebody throws me a dumpster, I don't give a
shit. My biggest concern
is how bad I'm going to smell up that parking lot. Other than that, I'm dead.
Don't need some fancy
fucking box. You know, I don't understand that when people die and they put
them in these,
these beautiful fucking caskets. It's like, it's a piece of fruit that went bad,
you know,
and you're putting it on display, throw it in the fucking trash.
You know, lately I've been asking, I've been asking some of the ladies to write
in. And, uh,
finally, I haven't even read this yet, but this already seems like gold. This
is, this is the,
the, on the subject line of this email. Uh, it says, I think the guy I'm dating
is a pussy.
Hello, Bill. I am a 21 year old student. I began listening to your podcast
recently
and I heard you complaining about how women have not written in on a while
and being a woman myself decided to do so and ask you for advice. Well, God
bless you.
Uh, I live at home with my mom and go to college. I recently found a very nice
guy,
uh, there at college and was really into him. But then I started suspecting
something strange.
I started suspecting that maybe he was a pussy at first. I thought it was
pretty harmless,
but then one night we had a house party and everyone was pretty drunk. And a
friend of mine
who I haven't seen in a while was there. And when everyone was way, way, way
past drunk,
she tried to get into a fight with me and eventually pushed me down the wall,
then stole my iPhone and he was there and did nothing.
Jesus Christ. I was so scared that I called my ex to come get me and he did.
Wow.
Uh, you think you're dating a pussy? I mean that right there. Gee. And he just
stood there
and let this other guy who used to hook up with you come in riding in on his
white horse.
Anyways, my ex was more of a man than the guy I was dating. Now, even though
the guy I'm dating was
drunk, I felt like he should have protected me or done something, anything. He
did nothing. And
later he even confessed to me that he was scared of my drunk friend and even
scared of me.
What the fuck, right? Even though he says this will never happen again,
I have enough knowledge to know that people do, do not usually change like that.
You know,
that's really wise that you're really wise for your age at 21. If you, if you're
already not buying into
the, I'm going to change that's, uh, you're, you're wise beyond your years. You
know, they say that
you're basically your