Name: Bill Burr & Nia Roast Each Other For 12 Minutes Straight!
Uploaded: 2025-09-19T18:23:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Roast Each Other For 12 Minutes Straight!' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Roast Each Other For 12 Minutes Straight!' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-19. Transcript available.

this is an old bit of mine and I'm gonna do it for you here in the pocket
because it takes skill
as a guy to get laid oh here it is here it is you just exist as a woman and you
can get laid
is that what it is and some men should be applauded for their ability to stick
it in a girl
congratulations men of the world you got laid you know what this is people you
know what this
is hooray for you you know what this is for men because you're able to like
somehow convince a
woman to have sex with you wow you're a real don juan over there this is it now
just imagine just
how hard it is for me to talk to you to even get a word in on this podcast now
imagine i'm trying to
you that's what it is and i remember a long time ago when i was talking to you
i said okay let's
switch the let's turn the tables you come you were talking about the the dumb
that guys say to you
yeah in a bar and i said all right let's turn the tables let's say i have
control of my
sexuality right that's my sexual i don't know who i like um some days
you do have control over your sexuality yes i do honey thank you snap to the
north and to the south
12 and six honey um oh no no what what if like what was the scenario i said if
i i had control of my
sex drive and you didn't you told me to and i said for you to come in and start
hitting on me and you
know what you were awful i was awful you were awful and then the greatest line
ever was i just sat there
going like yeah whatever and i was just doing all that type of need and you go
you're making this
difficult on purpose and i said yeah welcome to my world and that's what it was
oh so hard to be a guy
i'm not saying it's hard to be a guy i'm saying in that situation first of all
that's the entire
thing that's what all feminism is based in it's difficult to be a woman and
your equation the
feminist equation is is basic it's like what okay lying in a bed it's easier
for a guy to lie on a
mattress nothing about feminism you know nothing so for you to sit here and try
to act like you know
what feminism is and what it means you need to just stop all right then i'll be
more general women
complaining it's it's it's harder for a for a woman to lose weight it's harder
for us to sit in a chair
it's harder for us you don't need to speak about things that you don't know
anything about but i
realize that hasn't stopped you before yeah you've been interrupting me for
half an hour going on your
god damn the podcast so what do you want from me you want me to just sit here
and be like uh-huh
oh i thought you were going to be an adult i i thought i was being an adult i
thought we're
having an adult conversation we weren't being you weren't being an adult you
were talking over me
i'm the blowhard welcome to my world you said
oh touche this is why it works between us no shut up you know something i'm so
pissed i made you
those cups you know i should have made those things right brought them in here
look like
oh it's so sweet just mushed them right in your face how would you like that nia
why are you
recalling like an old bit of yours i'm not is that an old bit yes it is what
bit was that one
that's kind of it's kind of a play on the the punching the muffins bit
it was muffins this is a totally different bit i feel like comedians like bitching
over a joke
mine's different mine are cupcakes right okay are you actually going to finish
that gatorade
you're going to leave one swallow and stick in the refrigerator weirdo
you have like 15 things in the refrigerator that'll have one bite or one sip
left
i know i know it's ridiculous i don't know i just
why don't you go stick another miso soup in there
until the tapioca whatever the tofu turns green
i know i don't know why i don't just finish it
hey don't you know what you finish the cheese
anytime i get those nice slices of cheese to my salami sandwich
i maybe get one sandwich with cheese on it
and then i come back i'm like where the fuck is all the cheese
yeah and then you put on your oh i did something wrong so i'm gonna make a cute
face now
i'm sorry i guess i'm evil
i told you you can't have cheese in the house with me
all right can we answer this question here
near what would you rather have would you rather have a daughter who's a hoe
or a gay son who's also a hoe
i would rather not have a child that would even ask questions like this
that's not an option it's either or
nope not answering oh you you're taking your ball and you're going home
that's right why don't you answer it then i know what you're gonna say
i'd rather have a gay son i knew it because at least he's a guy getting some
he's out there crushing it he's out there crushing it moron
why both you and this person and ask this question
what are you talking about having a gay son be great first of all he could
he could teach you how to keep your abs well into your 50s
as long as he's out there practicing safe sex
right i'm assuming that he's a top oh because you're you're gay son when we
if i have a gay son he's gonna be a top and if he's gay you want him to be a
top
that's actually a funny line for a character in a movie my son's getting
oh he's a top yeah but he's like he's a top it's it's a different it's
so until he's still crushing it right ridiculous this is like in true detective
when woody harrelson's character when his like chickens come home to roost
so to speak and his daughter is caught with the two guys in the car and he
starts
freaking out at her and saying like what's it like being the captain of the
diversity's slut team or whatever and he's out there
whoring around like constantly this is like the exact same scenario
how where he feels like he's entitled to do all this all the women that he
wants to and can
and yeah when his daughter is doing the same thing he's freaking out at her and
she's getting like
grounded there's no skill involved there is no skill involved it has nothing to
do with skill okay it
is you don't have to talk you're such a man that you don't have to convince a
guy to you like it's
a sport like what do you have to do what do you have to do what do you have to
do oh my show a little
leg yeah i come in with my red chest here you think i'm beating them off me i'm
not
i gotta put on my gloves i gotta put on my big boy pants and come up with an
opening line you're a
performer who's out on stage don't try to act like it's so hard for you to get
laid okay don't don't
perpetrate this myth that it's so difficult for you you're actually perpetrating
a myth for all of you
people aspiring comedians or entertainers if you want the easy pussy you uh eddie
murphy did it a
long time ago all you do have to do is sing comedians get laid left and right
they get laid left and
right no matter how ridiculous douchebag and dirtbag but here's the thing here's
the thing though laid
left and here's the thing the comedy groupies are lining up at the comedy there
are comedy groupies
there are comedy areas there are comedy oh my god when do they show up when you're
finally playing
a stadium you go down to a coffee house with a ukulele okay and somebody's
blowing and you know what
when you're talking about tiny tim no no when when your set's over you don't
have to keep playing the
ukulele as a comedian you're funny on stage when you get off you got to keep
you got to keep the plate
spinning yeah you have to still be an entertaining person in order to be
considered worthwhile that's
everyone's issue no no no no but you can be some mopey coffee house guy all the
leaves are brown and the
sky is gray right and then get off stage and just sit there with your shoulder
slump and they want
to take care of you next thing you know they're buying your groceries you never
heard the guns and
roses they had like a whole they had a whole harem of chicks paying for paying
for their
shit why because those guys seem helpless in any way shape or form did axl rose
come off as helpless
slash helpless does anyone look at those guys it's like oh they need a mommy i
don't know i don't know
i'm just saying though just don't don't put it out there that you're going to
become a comedian
there's certain get laid there's certain comics you have to be a good comedian
let's put it that way
no but there's also like funny yeah yeah believe me yeah believe me i have not
had the groupies
trust me i have a bunch of meathead guys who come out to my show and the
occasional like you know
psychotic woman okay lately i've been turning the corner a little bit but i
gotta tell you like they
for a while there you did have kind of the the crazy chicks that were coming up
to you afterwards you
did have a good period of that well yeah because i was an i was an angry
believe it or not people i was
actually way more angry on stage right today so i think i scared a lot of them
away um but no i found
like that me this is the deal this is this is what i found with as a uh a male
comic if you do want
to get laid after the shows i found the comics who talk about sex a lot you
know and then also then
there's the other ones who have like that slumber party energy you know that oh
my god you guys if you
have like that vibe as a straight dude that you're pretty much in there right
you're pretty much in
there but the rest of us the rest of us yeah you still got you got to kind of
work it's it's annoying
i actually i actually actually you actually have to like work at it and like
you know oh god you're
so arrogant i paid for a drink wait what are you coming off with this oh well
do you have to wait
yeah i bust my ass excuse me when's the last time i paid for a drink yes
talking about since i've been
with you because yes 10 years yes yeah otherwise if i'm not with you and i'm
out i buy my own
drinks yeah thank you very much oh every woman's a hero in their stories you
are your main you guys are
all here oh i will buy pay for stuff oh the lady's independent you can throw
your hands up but then
when the divorce happens i'm just a girl ah you know what you guys you know
something you're some bitter
divorced guy that's gone through the ringer when it hasn't even happened to you
well it's happened to a lot
of my friends yeah and so so therefore it's happened to you right so you're you
never said i never said
it happened when did i say that happened to me you act like it's happened to
you the way you talk about
divorce and this and that how women do this and women do that how come they
never talk about it you
never hear them talk about it you don't well here's something for you if i can
only for your ass if i can
only talk about what i've actually done that would make you that would be like
i'd be have like eight
subjects i mean what do i do i tell jokes i go to the airport you know so then
what you can talk about
a whole bunch of subjects that you've maybe read up on or know people who've
talked about you went off
on the whole gay thing you're not gay no i'm not so where do you get off
telling me what like what
subjects i can and can't talk about touche huh oh that's even a touche to a touche
we're gonna end on
a tie let's end on a tie let's end on a tie oh happy ending everybody all right
that's the podcast for this week
oh my god