Name: Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Can I Bang Her Before I Leave?
Uploaded: 2025-09-25T18:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Can I Bang Her Before I Leave?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Can I Bang Her Before I Leave?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-25. Transcript available.

all right billy boy he goes i got no nickname for you i don't worry don't worry
about it thanks for
the podcast i'm a sales rep and use your podcast to de-stress is that a word uh
don't you do it
with jeans that's distress oh on the monday afternoon drive home oh nice six
months ago
my company laid me off and i've used your podcast to fat me fat shame myself
and work out during the
day i love it dude fat shaming works no it doesn't yes it does i guess it did
it does for me i stand
in the mirror shirtless and i just go look what you did look what you did you
piece of nobody's
gonna love you and next thing you know i'm out there eating kale jogging down
the street with
my white legs um he said i've dropped 40 pounds can we talk about how you're
dressed for a sport
that would like never have you why are you dressed like that no because i was
gonna go on a bike ride
you're matching you actually look pretty cute i have to say that i mean no guy
wants to look cute
oh all right guys oh my god you look cute you do you look cute i would i would
i would give you a
second glance at the gym if you're wearing your little nike outfit really that
matches and what
am i supposed to be thrilled by that yeah you should be oh you'd give me a
second glance yeah yeah you
should be happy all right but you can say yourself lucky i don't like your mint
chocolate chips
colored sweater you have this is rag and bone okay okay listen to this guy i've
dropped 40 pounds
and it's been great good from 260 to 220 and size 42 pants that's the size 36
nice good for you
how do you wait a minute how are you size how are you 220 pounds size 36 pants
how does that work
42 to a 30 this guy's got to be jacked he's on the juice he's got he's got
giant shoulders 80 pound
shoulders um he got anyway so here's my dilemma he goes i have a lab not a pot
a lab golden retriever mix
oh and we go to the park near my house every day to play fetch off the leash
there is usually the
usual there is the usual suspects of about 10 to 15 people that bring their
dogs out to play i live in
a slightly unsafe city parentheses baltimore the wire yeah wait a minute didn't
they shoot the wire there
yes yeah slightly um not all baltimore yes not all baltimore yeah you got you
got the waterfront
that's sort of nice for half a second although it didn't what's his face he had
a meeting down
there one time one of the episodes oh the guy you like the english guy on that
show i don't know what
his name is his name on the show though was um sturgis striker yeah wait spaulding
sterling no
all right let's move on um and last week we were outside discussing stringer
bell stringer bell yeah
i did put some new words in my head then i can remember and last week we were
outside discussing
the group of kids groups of kids on bikes that are grabbing women's asses while
jogging in the park
so one guy starts telling the women to grab the kid that does that and hold
them there until the police
come oh yeah that that's really safe and realistic for women to do is that sarcasm
yes that is sarcasm
keep reading well just because he addresses it in the next sentence all right
don't order me around
on my what's wrong with you nothing what jesus christ um he goes i think you
can see the
keep reading i've made my comment continue you are drunk with power um he goes
i think you can see
the danger here of anyone any one adult grabbing a 14 to 16 year old kid and
thinking the other kids
will just ride away you're going to get beat down and probably hit in the head
with the brick
sounds like the beginning of a death wish movie um so this same guy who by the
way is a hedge fund
manager and knows everything starts telling me all the fights he's been in i'll
buy each listener on
of this podcast of beer if he's even been in one fight so his wife is there and
everyone is listening
i want to fight one time with just my mouth so before he can say anything else
i say what did you do blow
them he goes well everyone laughs he can't really say anything and he storms
off gets about 10 yards away
and tells his wife she has to come home she throws me a wink and says that was
hysterical i think you
heard his feelings oh oh jesus christ doors opening and other doors closing 36
pants i find out a couple
of days later that i'm going back to work and i'm being relocated he's going to
say can i bang her before
i leave that's what i'm guessing back to work and i'm being relocated over a
thousand miles away what's
the problem well his wife his oh you wrote it wrong well his wife is a hot
piece of ass and has started
sending me facebook's messages and texts texts what do you mean texts when she
gets your number
you skipped a part of that story sir saying she wants to sleep with me before i
leave they have no kids
and she showed me divorce papers that she is willing she's waiting to file uh
after he gets his next bonus
check in august normally i'm a pretty upstanding dude he's got to build up
credibility yeah people
like me in the community i've recently lost weight i have a lab golden retriever
mix and i go to the dog park
he wants to this guy's wife he goes i don't believe in crossing lines but this
one feels different
i'm moving within the next six weeks what should i do and thanks and go
yourself nia i'm gonna pass it over to you
you know good and goddamn well you need to stay away from that woman all right
you're doing well you
lost weight you got nice little one-liners you know how to put people in their
place walk away you'll
find somebody a thousand miles away where you get really okay relocated okay
this is not the last piece
of hot ass that you're gonna come across so relax yourself so what you're
saying pat yourself on
the back for the good line and the fact that you're getting attention from hot
pieces of ass who are
looking to take their husbands for all their worth before they divorce them and
start banging the smart
ass at the dog park be happy for that but you can somebody else so what you're
saying is it's like
when columbus sailed over to america which was actually down to cuba i believe
before he started
chopping off people's hands because they couldn't find gold for his fillings
okay um they saw branches
right in the water that let them know that land was coming okay like that was a
good sign so you're
saying this this is just a hot piece of ass floating by letting them know that
he's he's about ready to
get on pussy island absolutely yes that's exactly what i'm way to go all right
so just just just walk
away i'm sure it's very flattering but you already you already humiliated the
guy you did you did your
you did your work that was a great line what did you do blow them that's
fantastic and she's been waiting
for a guy to come along to put her husband into his in his place and all that
stuff so yeah good for you
but no don't don't be that guy walk away all right you'll find somebody else i
say do it
no don't do it you know you're the voice of reason good you're absolutely right
because you have no
idea why she wants to do that you know because she might in an argument and be
like oh yeah and you
remember that guy at the dog park well i don't exactly he was better than you
and then all of a sudden this guy
sounds crazy and this is why is she showing you divorce papers and like i'm
going to divorce him
as soon as he gets his next bonus check stay away from that crazy broad stay
away from her good call
no she's not so that's tp right there what's that toxic pussy it is yeah all
right
oh my god uh uh uh oh oh oh oh oh oh