Name: Bill Burr Calendar and Meditation Practice
Uploaded: 2017-01-24T21:47:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Calendar and Meditation Practice' from Bill Burr Advice on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Calendar and Meditation Practice' from Bill Burr Advice on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-24. Transcript available.

How are you, everybody? And happy Martin Luther King Day to everybody.
You know, happy Martin Luther King Day.
You know, for those of you that mean something to you, for those of you who
just, yeah, you know, it's another day off.
It's just like when it's Georgie or Amy's birthday in February.
Do we get those days off?
Huh?
The two whiteys there?
The two whiteys in February. I believe it's in February.
Right?
During Black History Month.
You still got a shoehorn George Washington Day and Lincoln's birthday in there.
Correct?
Then you got another whitey in, uh, whitey!
You got another whitey in, uh, in March with St. Patrick.
Huh? You pasty-faced fucking son of a bitch ya.
Right?
Then in April, who do you got?
Uh, oh, here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail.
Right? With his old little white bunny ass.
Right?
Then what do you got?
You got in May, who's that?
Is that Abe Vagoda Day?
I don't know.
I run out.
Somewhere around there.
Those are weird.
The dog days of the year.
It's like fucking, you know, uh, flag day.
Then I always get Memorial Day and Labor Day.
Memorial Day is, is May.
Right?
Memorial, yeah.
Memorial Day is in May.
We recognize all the veterans, you know, that fought for your freedom so you
can sit around
and eat fucking dip and shit.
Right?
Changing all your fucking VCR tapes over to fucking DVDs and then to a little
fucking stick.
Whatever the fuck it is you do that day.
Right?
Um, and you got July 4th so everybody can go around and fucking, you know,
trade stories
about their uncle that blew his fucking fingers off because he never got
married.
He was trying to impress his nephews and nieces.
Right?
You're so cool, Uncle Jimmy.
Right?
See?
You see that right there, son?
You see that right there?
That's why I told you, your Uncle Jimmy ain't no fucking good.
All right?
So I don't want to quit your crack.
All right?
I don't want to hear it no more.
We ain't going over Uncle Jimmy's.
Okay?
He's over there with loose fucking women and he's playing with them firecrackers.
All right?
So that's July 4th.
Then August.
August is kind of like a month that's up for grabs.
No Jewish holidays.
No, hey, remember Jesus did this for you?
What do you say there, Muslims?
What do you got?
You got something that month?
How about you, Buddhists?
Buddhists don't give a shit, right?
They're like, hey, man, like every day is for everybody.
And it's just like, as long as we're sitting around and feeling the breeze,
that's what I'm
trying to be.
You know?
I'm trying to be that person.
Today was going to be my 10th day in a row to meditate, but I didn't.
I woke up late and I had to take my lady over to the doctors.
And, um, and I just, I just got up late, you know?
I had this fucking weird ass dream too.
I had this weird dream where I was, went out my back porch and I was watching
these helicopters
flying in formation and dive bomb in my neighborhood.
And I was like, what the fuck are they doing that for?
And then one of them lost control.
And I had this weird view from my house that I've never had before.
And it was just basically the cockpit, you know, and the engine, that part in
the skids,
no main rotor, no tail, no tail rotor, nothing else.
And for some reason it wasn't tipping over and falling to the ground like a
fucking trash can
or most likely inverting.
It just fucking, it just went straight and it sort of landed.
And I ran down there.
I was in my underwear.
Cause you're always in your underwear and then in your dreams, right?
You never have your pants on.
It's so fucking weird.
There's always with mine.
There's always that level of humiliation, no matter what's going on.
I can't find my pants.
Right.
Um, anyway, so the fucking thing lands.
So I run up and then I'm thinking like, wait a minute, do I want to see the
carnage that
is in there?
And then all these people showed up with like cell phone cameras and stuff.
And I was standing there in my underwear and I ran home.
That was that.
There you go.
There's your dream to interpret for the week.
All right.
Cause I'm not going to therapy anymore because I spent enough fucking money,
you know, with
somebody daydreaming with the goddamn notebook.
Right.
And none of them ever looked like that brought on the Sopranos.
Let's be honest.
Right.
Um, yeah.
So I started, I woke up late.
All right.
So I need to fucking relax, quiet my mind, make it more of a still pond.
Whenever a rock falls into the pond, what happens?
The waters ripple.
Yes.
The waters ripple.
And if too many rocks fall in, what happens?
There starts to be a storm.
And this is what I want you to pay attention to today.
During today's meditation.
Is your brain a still pond?
Or can you hear the screaming, watery death of 1,200 passengers going under the
water of
your mind?
Sorry, I lost it.
I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.
Anyways, um, I have some apologies this week.