Name: Bill Burr: Women's March, Madonna, and Trump
Uploaded: 2017-01-31T03:51:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Women's March, Madonna, and Trump' from Bill Burr Advice on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Women's March, Madonna, and Trump' from Bill Burr Advice on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-31. Transcript available.

holy sydney holy cincinnati holy cleveland what a fucking weekend i had good
lord first of all
i sat there with an afghan and some kleenex and watched the entire women's
march and i have to
say i was so moved and i'll be honest with you i haven't watched a second of it
the only reason
why i'm bringing it up is because like 50 000 people on twitter like dude i can't
wait to hear
your take on the women's march i didn't fucking watch it i i cannot i can't i i
did i ever tell
you guys how much i believe in protesting but how much i cannot watch it i'm
always let down i'm
always disappointed it's always just a bunch of bad chance like i watched the
madonna speech thing
i did do that just because i uh you know i relate to madonna like her i also
stayed at the party too
long you know i became the old creepy person still at the club i did it i've
done it i totally get it
she's fucking brilliant man she goes there right she knows she has all these
eyeballs on her so she's
done this her entire career this is how you stay relevant all right long after
people give a fuck
this is how you stay in this she goes and she just doesn't give a speech i mean
how easy would it have
been to give the speech without dropping the f word right but if you do that
you're not going to get any
free press so she throws a couple of f-bombs in there god knows i know how that
works i've made a lot
of money off that word good for you madge right but that's not going to be
enough because she's thinking
probably in her head you know i already kind of did the drop in the f-bomb
thing on the letterman
interview like 20 years ago critics will be like oh more of the same from madonna
blah blah blah i need
to take this to a new level what does she do threatens to blow up the white
house
you know i thought about blowing up the white house did you did you really
think that you thought about
doing that madonna how did you think exactly how were you going to execute this
plan
were you going to put on a wily coyote suit and climb the fence with your
little thing of dynamite
going around you know when you're backing up with the wire madonna oh i thought
of did you you didn't
think about that you just know if you say some like that it becomes an issue of
national
security no matter who the says it so there you go now you get fox news going
like should we consider
this a terrorist threat right classic and then what does she do what is the
cherry on top
she sings one of her hit songs in front of all those women how much money do
you think she made
are you with me i said are you with me
do you believe in love this was off my fourth album i believe i first debuted
it on
on the blonde ambition tour goes a little something like this
give me a dollar baby i you can download this on itunes you know you know i'm
give me a break
fucking everybody up there with their fucking i don't know i like a little i
couldn't watch it
like i had to watch some madonna thing because when i heard she did that i was
like this woman
she's brilliant that woman is she is showbiz 24 7. that's why she's still
around
she did that she she should have got booed when she started singing that song
people should have been
like is this bitch fucking trying to get 99 cents off of me i don't know but
that's the only thing
i watched it was like five minutes well actually i watched her speech and then
i was like well i
got to hear the song she sings and it was it was fucking perfect man you know i
love that she sang
the lady gaga song um anyways um and of course underneath all of those there
was like
you know some 17 minutes speech from michael moore that's shameless bastard out
there trolling for
you know playing the unders i understand card
i really hate how he dresses like john goodman when he was on roseanne you know
he's always
walking around with his big dumb i just got done uh working on on you know
assembling cars
that hat he wears i i didn't know there's no with it i can't sit through that i
can't sit
through any of it and this in the stupid chance and we're gonna do this and we're
gonna do that
and you just want to be like you're not you're not you're all gonna go home you're
all gonna get
50 000 different cars and that's gonna be the end of it you're all gonna get to
say that you were
there and you put your fist in the air i know this is cynical as but i mean
trump did the same thing
did he not his acceptance speech something else i barely saw any of i just
watched the clips
when it comes when it comes to um like all of this type of i just watched the
highlights like
if you never watched sports and all you did was just watch sports center you
know what i mean but
you never watched the game that's basically how i watched this trump did the
exact same thing
he's sitting up there going these these corrupt politicians uh they're not
there for you they're
there for themselves well guess what it stops now how donald how does it stop
now
he sounded like a some loud drunk in a bar dude you know what i would do if i
was running stuff
yeah i'd kick them all out
anybody takes a dime you're out of here i mean it sounded like he did he just
rent the untouchables
it was like kevin costner's speech in that movie like what you're the president
this is what i'm
worried about that guy i'm worried about that guy because he thinks being
president
is like he just bought an old casino and he's gonna go in and get all the
people that were
fucking you know loafing around he's gonna fire them and then replace them with
it's like you
you can't get rid of these how are you gonna get rid of these people
how are you gonna prove that they're doing what you're saying you would have to
expose them
all of them both the blue ties and the red ties the red bras and the blue bras
right
they're all gonna collectively get together and be like this guy is gonna make
us all look like
fucking scumbags we're just not gonna work with i mean what he said was just a
bunch of it was a
bunch of it's just it's not you're not gonna do that that's not how that town
works you're not the boss
you can't go you're fired you have to run by people and then they're gonna be cunts
they were already democrats are already gonna be a cunt to you because you wear
a red tie and they're
gonna do the exact same the republicans did to obama they're not gonna work
because you have a different
color tie you're gonna come in and you're gonna give some tough speech you know
he should have been
standing there holding like a like a piece of a two by four you know i don't it's
it was like it was
very um you know when you're watching a movie and you're enjoying a movie and
then all of a sudden they
they just remind you that oh this is just a movie because you go you know that
that would never happen
that's what that speech looked like to me but i didn't see it i didn't see that
either i just watched
the highlights so you're probably saying well bill why didn't you see anything
this weekend
you know why because i had something a little more important in my life that
happened okay
i had to watch the new england patriots
win the afc championship game there was a battle this weekend people
and i don't mean women and people without voices standing in the rain wearing
berets
or a prisoner jumpsuit whatever the somebody was wearing on that thing you know
what's funny about
madonna's speech is the amount of people milling around in the background not
even listening
smiling look you listen for a couple seconds you throw your hand in the air and
then you just go
schmooze with somebody else it was a big hollywood party and i can say that
because i watched three
minutes of it um there was another battle going on here people and this this
isn't that but by the
way this isn't like an anti-trump thing this isn't an anti-woman thing it's
just one of those things
of like what the is everybody getting so excited about are you ready i said are
you ready and they're
all going yes and it's like for what what are we doing where are we going what's
going to happen we're
gonna walk up there we're gonna chant some shit okay you think if they walked
up let's say they
walked up to the white house because i don't know where they went let's say
they all start chanting
okay donald trump is in there okay first of all me as a civilian
okay i can go to a best buy and i can get a pair of those bose noise cancelling
headphones and i can
press a button and i can't even hear a jet engine
that i'm on or the guy talking too loud on his cell phone i can just press that
fucking thing and it's over okay and i'm just a citizen can you imagine
the pair of bose headphones that you get handed when you become president
so you don't have to hear the chanting of the disenfranchised right
i bet you can't even see them you know they fit right underneath this toupee
not the toupee part
the part that's still real the ben franklin part of his hair do right probably
just sticks him in his
ear you know are the ladies there you probably just sat there right just with
his binoculars on
you know rubbing himself as he's looking out the window
i'm sorry all right oh god when did i become such a cynic you know what i don't
know i i like to think
it's life experience but what are you gonna do what are we gonna do it what do
we want what's gonna
happen nothing because we all have to leave we all gotta go to work tomorrow
we have to go to work baby you know what's funny about madonna showing up to
this one
it's like don't you live in england why the didn't you go to that rally
i wanted to blow up the white house oh yeah can i see your passport please
did you go through customs first there uh oh jesus just staying at the party
staying at the club too
fucking long um what i'm doing is i'm challenging the images of what is except
no you're not no you're
not you're not you're not challenging anything i you know
uh if she was a guy she'd be that guy at the christmas party who had to you
know those guys
who put the tie around their head and it becomes like you know this is their
big rebellion like
that that's what she'd be that person with the man tits
you know saying wildly inappropriate things to some intern
uh just walks into work on monday just has to not look at anybody just close
the door to his office
and be like oh god how long how long do i have to just feel the shame of of my
behavior last saturday
night um anyways there was another