Name: Bill Burr Advice: Fat Shaming/Dog Wins Marathon/Others
Uploaded: 2017-01-31T04:49:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice: Fat Shaming/Dog Wins Marathon/Others' from Bill Burr Advice on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice: Fat Shaming/Dog Wins Marathon/Others' from Bill Burr Advice on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-31. Transcript available.

Let's just read them from here. Okay, weight loss slash fat shaming.
Hey there, Billy Bassinet. I actually know what a bassinet is now.
Congrats on pregnancy. And you and the lovely Neal will make
pretty good parents. That's hilarious. I'm emailing you because I wanted to
thank
you and Joe Rogan for all of your shit. It enabled me to lose
120 pounds. That's a whole person. I started back in November
of 2015. Dude, that's amazing.
And I've kept it off and continued to get to my goal of
220 pounds. I was 357 when I started.
He goes, that's a fucking plane.
I think it's a gun, isn't it?
357 Magnum. Anyway, thanks for
the shame and motivation, you freckled cunt.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your growing family in 2017 and the coming
years.
Oh, and by the way, go fuck yourself in the best way possible.
Think stranger.
I don't even know what that means.
Anyways. Oh, dude, that's great. I could use
some advice because I've been
during the last
few weeks, I should really say
like the last two months
of Nia's ordeal
is what I'm going to call it because it was not a
pregnancy. Pregnancy is a fucking ordeal.
You're sick the
first fucking third
and then there's this, you know, eye of the
storm, the second trimester and then
it's just like, it's fucking horrible.
You know,
if you don't have any sympathy for your wife during
a pregnancy, you're not in love with her. You fucking
married the wrong person. I could tell you that. So
anyways,
anyways, yeah, I've been, I put
on some, I put on a little bit of weight. Nothing, nothing too
crazy. I kept hitting the fucking elliptical
but I just kept making comfort food
and then
what would happen was, you know, she'd eat a little
bit of it, sort of like it
and then all of a sudden would just be totally
for whatever reason, hormonally would be totally
turned off by it like the next fucking day
and I made enough for two people and I'm
not going to throw it out.
You know what I mean? So I got to fucking,
I got to finish it.
You know, I ate almost a whole shepherd's pie
myself.
This beef brujol, she
goes too heavy. She couldn't deal with it.
So, you know, you're supposed to have
red meat a couple times a month. I've had it four
times this week.
So,
but you know what? I finished
the day with a salad.
I never make myself salads either.
I just,
I just never know what the fuck to put in them.
You know what I mean? I finally just,
I just started with basics, right? I go to
the grocery store. This is what I've been doing lately. It's been
working for me. As I go there and I get that pre-washed
fucking lettuce that they have
in there, you know, because
you know, basically what happened. A few people had to die by
unwashed fucking lettuce. Now they wash it up
for us. So you get that shit.
I get three different
colored peppers, green,
red, and the orange, right? I cut those
fucking things up, cut up some cucumbers,
throw all of that in a bowl.
Then I got some tomatoes
on the vine in a bowl outside
the fridge and a little Parmesan
cheese. And then I just have everything all
chopped up and ready to go.
Pre-shredded fucking Parmesan and all
that. So then at night when I get hungry, before I do
something stupid, I just make a quick fucking
salad, a little bit of the Paul Newman's
fucking balsamic vinaigrette
on it. I make a face
like, I don't want to fucking eat this. And then a couple
bites in, you're into it. It's over.
You get it going. It's like trying to fucking write a term
paper back in the day. You kept putting it off, putting it off.
And then when you finally sat down, you just fucking did it.
Same thing with eating a salad.
I try to do that, you know, if I'm going to eat past like
seven o'clock, um, I try to have that. And then I have
like a scotch.
It's the Ron Burgundy, um, diet or whatever. Um, all right.
Work meeting. Uh, dear Billy red tank. That isn't
the one, uh, the cunts I work with have, uh, tasked me to
share an inspirational quote or poem during our bi-monthly
team meeting. Sorry. Cunts I work
have asked me to share an inspirational quote
or poem during our bi-monthly team
meeting. Oh my
God.
Well, if there's ever a sign you got to quit this fucking job.
Personally, I'd rather tell them to go fuck themselves.
But since this would be frowned upon, I
find myself in need of your expertise.
Do you have any inspirational
quotes that you can share with me
so that I can keep pretending
that I'm not dead inside?
Uh, dude, you're not dead inside. What you are is you're an intelligent human
being
who knows that this is silly and you're sick of being
treated, treated like a fucking child.
This is like some shit that like when I was still in
school, you know, and I had to sit there with my hands
folded on my desk, dude, I swear to God, the corporate world is so fucking cold
and so out of touch with like how human beings even fucking work or they
totally understand it. And this is how they just break your spirit.
You know, you know what it is is you probably you guys have these mind numbingly
boring fucking jobs, right?
They probably don't pay enough money for you to be fucking excited by it.
So now what they're going to try to do is have you, uh,
you know,
go out and they won't even do it for you.
They won't even come up with like a fucking, you know,
their own like little, uh, you know, like the Raiders just win baby.
You know what I mean?
The Cubs, let's play too.
They can't even come up with their own.
This is, this is their fucking job.
Well, look, you know what you have to do,
but what I would love you to do is write your own fucking poem where it all
rhymes and you just
trash in this thing, whatever the fuck this exercise is.
What rhymes with cunts?
Uh, let's see.
One of the most exciting plays in baseball.
There's when a speedy hitter lays down a bunt.
I am dead inside.
I don't like this job.
And certainly not working with you cunts.
Uh, consider this my last fucking day.
Don't worry.
I don't have a gun,
but I would like to say fuck all of you.
And your mother's too.
Now I'm out of a job.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
And then you just leave.
Go on and get drunk.
I don't know.
I don't know what the fucking.
All right.
Dog wins marathon.
Hey, Billy, probably a dad.
I am.
I'm a father now,
which means I now get to fucking act like I know things that people who don't
have kids.
No, don't know.
Whatever.
You know, they do.
Oh, you don't understand.
You don't understand.
You're babies looking in your eyes.
Shut up.
You didn't wear a condom.
All right.
That is your fucking big.
That's what, that's what you did.
All right.
Stop acting like you walked on the moon.
Oh, do you have a baby?
Oh my God.
What is it?
12 billion of those fucking things.
It's like saying you have a hat.
All right.
Dog wins marathon.
Hey, Billy, probably a dad.
Thought you liked this story.
But it's my hat.
Thought you'd like this story.
A dog left its house and started running a marathon and ran alongside runners
and finished the whole thing.
He finished seventh.
Congratulations.
Get the fuck out of here.
Now I have to watch this video.
He ran the whole fucking.
No, he didn't.
Ludivine.
Ludivine ran the entire 13.1 miles without a leash or human companion.
Okay.
First of all, 13.1 miles is not a marathon.
Oh, half marathon.
Sorry.
See how the misinformation starts?
He fucking called it a marathon.
And then I start blaming CNN.
Dog wins marathon.
He won half a marathon.
See, you already started the lie.
Dog gives CPR after running a fucking marathon.
Runners in Alabama may have bitten off more competition than they anticipated
in a race earlier this month.
All right.
Now it makes sense.
Because I was like, what kind of a fucking dog owner would leave his front door
wide open and the goddamn thing just runs out and runs fucking 13 miles away.
Oh, obviously somebody in Alabama.
A dog finished in the top 10 in the Elkmont half marathon, the trackless train
track on January 16th and has been quite the internet sensation.
What is a trackless train track?
There used to be train tracks there?
Was this the Underground Railroad?
Is this how the slaves got out of there?
Yeah, you know, we let them, they escaped up this way, but we blocked it off.
Now we just do a marathon.
White people only marathon.
I love how they act like, like, I do it too.
Like, racist white people are only in the South.
That's not true.
We're everywhere.
Bloodvine, a bloodhound, lives nearby, and a bloodhound, oh, I fucking love
those.
That's not a bloodhound.
Oh, yes, it is.
But when it runs, its face is all flying backwards, so it looks like a fucking
retriever.
That's one of my favorite dogs ever.
Ah, goddammit, it's making me miss my dog.
All right, let's plow through this.
Bloodvine, a bloodhound, lives nearby.
By the way, update on Cleo is the new owner sent me a fucking picture, and it
was up on the couch, sleeping like a baby, loving life.
Probably doesn't even remember us, because it's a dog, and it lives in the
fucking present.
And so that was good to see.
But when I saw it, I was like, oh, fuck.
Anyway, she competed without a human or leash.
Her owner doesn't even run.
That's what makes this story.
You know what?
I don't like this story.
I don't like this.
I don't like this.
This is one of these just like, let's just go all together.
There's a nice heartwarming story for everyone.
All right, best man.
Hey, Billy Bitch Tits.
That's one of the most popular ones.
You guys always call me that.
Billy Bitch Tits.
Is it deliteration?
I do push-ups.
I don't have bitch tits yet.
I recently proposed to my girlfriend.
Congratulations.
And we're getting married in December.
Congratulations.
And when my lady asked me who I wanted as my best man, I realized I wasn't
close enough to anyone to ask them.
I have friends and co-workers and family, but I'm not really close with them.
Not enough to choose one best man anyway.
So with that, is this a fucking pitch for a Hollywood movie?
Didn't Kevin Hart have to, didn't, is this a Kevin Hart movie?
So with that being said, what are the chances of you showing up and being my
best man?
If not, can you get me in touch with Joe Rogan?
Thank you.
Where's your, uh, where's your wedding gonna be at?
If I got a gig, if I got a gig nearby, I'll fucking do it.
I'll come down, whatever you need.
Let me tell you something about, something that a lot of people don't know
about Larry.
Okay?
This guy, fucking, this guy listens to the Monday morning podcast.
Start doing the Madonna thing.
I'll just start hyping my fucking podcast.
That's what I'll do.
I'm gonna do the Madonna thing.
I'm gonna wear a beret.
I was like, you know, when I came here, I thought about blowing up this fucking
reception area.
Cause I didn't like the cake.
Why is the groom on the left?
And not the people read from left to right.
Why is it the lady first?
Um, anyway, I don't know what the fuck.
What I do, I don't know.
Maybe I'd do that.
I have no fucking idea.
Um, no, I'm not gonna do it.
Cause then I have to go through the whole fucking ceremony.
I got to present the ring and do all of that shit.
I don't want to fucking do that.
I barely wanted to be at my wedding.
Even though I had a great time.
That's what I learned about myself too.
I swear to God.
What I fucking learned about myself is the level of social anxiety that I have
that, um, the amount of big moments in my life that if I could just fast
forward through them and get on the other side of them, I would gladly do it to
not.
I mean, after I have the experience, I always think like, well, what the fuck
was I so, you know, anxious about?
And, um, I actually, you know, I, like my wedding was one of the best nights of
my life, but like, you know, my wife went into labor and shit, you know, I'm
driving her over there and everything.
And, uh, you know, there was that part of me was just going like, just thinking
like, I hope this is over as quickly as possible.
And it was, wasn't, there was like a selfish thought.
It had nothing to do with like, I don't want my wife going through any more of
this pain, which I definitely, that might've been the most emotional I got.
Listen to her screaming in fucking pain was, that was fucking brutal.
Um, anyways, uh, but like, yeah, I had this feeling like if I could just like
hit fast forward and just be on the other side of this thing.
I would do it in a second.
And, um, I've thought about that.
Like my entire fucking life I've had, I've had, I never really realized I have
this social anxiety with all of this shit.
Like I just want to, I just get fucking through it, get on the other side.
I'm on the other side.
I made it through nothing humiliating happened.
Now I can fucking relax.
I felt like that for like the first, um, probably nine years of every standup
show that I did.
Like the level of relief that I had after, like once I got on stage, I would be
fine.
Um, and then you just do when you're acting, then even if you're bombing or
whatever, it's like, it's the clock has started.
And with every second it's closer, the event is closer to being over.
You know what I mean?
It's, it's the waiting and not knowing that's, that's what is always, always
fucking giving me anxiety.
Like, um, the amount of standup shows that I've done and, um, impossible
situations that you go through as a comedian, when you're coming up for me, it
was never, it was already over by the time I got on stage.
Cause now you just go out there and now you just deal with stuff.
And you know, you tell people to go fuck themselves or you plow through, they
get you and you look stupid and you feel like an asshole, but then you say good
night and then it's over.
And then you can just fucking relax.
But when you're standing there for me, for me, when you're standing there at
the side of the fucking stage waiting or metaphorically, you know, go in there.
I mean, I don't know.
I can't believe this was one of the craziest fucking weekends of my life.
Um, you know what I mean?
From the women's March to Donald Trump getting sworn in to the Patriots going
to another fucking Superbowl and, uh, becoming a dad was a hell of a hell of a
four days.
I can tell you that.
And, um, I don't know.
And I'm, I'm very thankful to be honest with you.
No, all jokes aside that I finally got to have that experience of becoming a
dad because it was getting to the point of like, I don't know if I'm going to,
uh, I don't know if I'm going to get this experience.
And it's, it's weird.
I feel like I lived my youth straight into my golden years and now I'm the
middle part.
I'm just doing it.
I was joking.
I think I may even said this on podcast.
I'm like living my life, like a Tarantino movie where it's like completely out
of sync.
You know, John Travolta is walking by in the background, you know, the diner
scene in Pulp Fiction.
My ruining is, do I still have to say spoiler alert, even though that fucking
movie came out like 22 years ago, 23 years ago.
Um, anyways, that is the, uh, the podcast for this week.
Uh, tune into Jimmy Kimmel tonight and, uh, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know what I'm going to fucking talk about.
All I know is I got the, uh, the pre-interview coming up.
What were some of the things you'd like to touch on?
Huh?
Well, can I do the cunt poem for my podcast?
I don't think so.
Uh, we shall see.
We'll see how this one goes.
I'm very excited.
I've never done the Jimmy Kimmel show.
And, um, here's something, this is how cool that fucking guy is.
I met him one time at, um, I think I was down at Lago where I'm going to be.
Bill Burr and friends on, uh, January 31st on La Cienega Boulevard, right down
here in,
uh, Hollywood.
And, uh, he came down to the show to see somebody else.
And I met him and I started talking to him about how Bill Walsh wrote this book.
Um, you know, the, at the height of his, you know, just being like the Bill Belichick,
Vince Lombardi guy of his era, he was approached to write a book on football.
And he wrote like, he, like he basically showed the outline and he had diagram
plays.
And it was like, you had to be a coach to understand the book and the, uh, the
publisher
or whatever, the, the company he was doing the book with was basically like
going, dude,
you gotta like, we, we can't put this book out.
Like you gotta be like a, you gotta be like a football coach to even understand
any of
this shit.
How about some pictures of you with Joe Montana?
How about some family stories and blah, blah, blah.
And he was just like, no, you want me to write, write a book about football.
This is it right here.
And he just fucking put out this thing.
So the book bombed as far as not making money with just regular Joe's, like
even myself,
the amount of football that I watched, but amongst coaches, evidently that book
became
like a Bible.
And if you can find like a hardcover version, you find them on the internet.
I think they go for like three, 400 bucks or something like that.
And, um, whatever I was telling, I was telling Jimmy that story and he was
laughing.
He thought, you know, it was funny or whatever.
And, uh, and I was joking going like, you know, I want to actually get that
book.
Maybe I'll finally understand the cover to defense or whatever the fuck is the
nickel defense
and that type of shit.
So sure enough, like fucking three weeks later, I get this package from Amazon.
It was from, from him and he actually bought me the book and, um, I thumbed
through it, dude.
And I'm telling you, it's like, you, it's like, you feel like you stole a team's
playbook.
Um, so anyways, uh, so, but I, I've never been able to do a show.
Every time I try to do a show, like something would come up.
So this is my first time doing it.
And, uh, so tune in tonight.
I'm hoping I'm going to go there and, uh, be able to repay him by being a
little bit funny
on his show.
But once again, my new standup special, walk your way out comes out January 31st
on Netflix.
Please tweet about it.
Please let everybody know.
And, um, and that's it.
Thank you for listening to the podcast.
I'll talk to you later.
I'll talk to you.
I'll check in on you on Thursday.
All right.
See you.

Bill Burr Advice: Fat Shaming/Dog Wins Marathon/Others

Let's just read them from here. Okay, weight loss slash fat shaming.
Hey there, Billy Bassinet. I actually know what a bassinet is now.
Congrats on pregnancy. And you and the lovely Neal will make
pretty good parents. That's hilarious. I'm emailing you because I wanted to
thank
you and Joe Rogan for all of your shit. It enabled me to lose
120 pounds. That's a whole person. I started back in November
of 2015. Dude, that's amazing.
And I've kept it off and continued to get to my goal of
220 pounds. I was 357 when I started.
He goes, that's a fucking plane.
I think it's a gun, isn't it?
357 Magnum. Anyway, thanks for
the shame and motivation, you freckled cunt.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your growing family in 2017 and the coming
years.
Oh, and by the way, go fuck yourself in the best way possible.
Think stranger.
I don't even know what that means.
Anyways. Oh, dude, that's great. I could use
some advice because I've been
during the last
few weeks, I should really say
like the last two months
of Nia's ordeal
is what I'm going to call it because it was not a
pregnancy. Pregnancy is a fucking ordeal.
You're sick the
first fucking third
and then there's this, you know, eye of the
storm, the second trimester and then
it's just like, it's fucking horrible.
You know,
if you don't have any sympathy for your wife during
a pregnancy, you're not in love with her. You fucking
married the wrong person. I could tell you that. So
anyways,
anyways, yeah, I've been, I put
on some, I put on a little bit of weight. Nothing, nothing too
crazy. I kept hitting the fucking elliptical
but I just kept making comfort food
and then
what would happen was, you know, she'd eat a little
bit of it, sort of like it
and then all of a sudden would just be totally
for whatever reason, hormonally would be totally
turned off by it like the next fucking day
and I made enough for two people and I'm
not going to throw it out.
You know what I mean? So I got to fucking,
I got to finish it.
You know, I ate almost a whole shepherd's pie
myself.
This beef brujol, she
goes too heavy. She couldn't deal with it.
So, you know, you're supposed to have
red meat a couple times a month. I've had it four
times this week.
So,
but you know what? I finished
the day with a salad.
I never make myself salads either.
I just,
I just never know what the fuck to put in them.
You know what I mean? I finally just,
I just started with basics, right? I go to
the grocery store. This is what I've been doing lately. It's been
working for me. As I go there and I get that pre-washed
fucking lettuce that they have
in there, you know, because
you know, basically what happened. A few people had to die by
unwashed fucking lettuce. Now they wash it up
for us. So you get that shit.
I get three different
colored peppers, green,
red, and the orange, right? I cut those
fucking things up, cut up some cucumbers,
throw all of that in a bowl.
Then I got some tomatoes
on the vine in a bowl outside
the fridge and a little Parmesan
cheese. And then I just have everything all
chopped up and ready to go.
Pre-shredded fucking Parmesan and all
that. So then at night when I get hungry, before I do
something stupid, I just make a quick fucking
salad, a little bit of the Paul Newman's
fucking balsamic vinaigrette
on it. I make a face
like, I don't want to fucking eat this. And then a couple
bites in, you're into it. It's over.
You get it going. It's like trying to fucking write a term
paper back in the day. You kept putting it off, putting it off.
And then when you finally sat down, you just fucking did it.
Same thing with eating a salad.
I try to do that, you know, if I'm going to eat past like
seven o'clock, um, I try to have that. And then I have
like a scotch.
It's the Ron Burgundy, um, diet or whatever. Um, all right.
Work meeting. Uh, dear Billy red tank. That isn't
the one, uh, the cunts I work with have, uh, tasked me to
share an inspirational quote or poem during our bi-monthly
team meeting. Sorry. Cunts I work
have asked me to share an inspirational quote
or poem during our bi-monthly team
meeting. Oh my
God.
Well, if there's ever a sign you got to quit this fucking job.
Personally, I'd rather tell them to go fuck themselves.
But since this would be frowned upon, I
find myself in need of your expertise.
Do you have any inspirational
quotes that you can share with me
so that I can keep pretending
that I'm not dead inside?
Uh, dude, you're not dead inside. What you are is you're an intelligent human
being
who knows that this is silly and you're sick of being
treated, treated like a fucking child.
This is like some shit that like when I was still in
school, you know, and I had to sit there with my hands
folded on my desk, dude, I swear to God, the corporate world is so fucking cold
and so out of touch with like how human beings even fucking work or they
totally understand it. And this is how they just break your spirit.
You know, you know what it is is you probably you guys have these mind numbingly
boring fucking jobs, right?
They probably don't pay enough money for you to be fucking excited by it.
So now what they're going to try to do is have you, uh,
you know,
go out and they won't even do it for you.
They won't even come up with like a fucking, you know,
their own like little, uh, you know, like the Raiders just win baby.
You know what I mean?
The Cubs, let's play too.
They can't even come up with their own.
This is, this is their fucking job.
Well, look, you know what you have to do,
but what I would love you to do is write your own fucking poem where it all
rhymes and you just
trash in this thing, whatever the fuck this exercise is.
What rhymes with cunts?
Uh, let's see.
One of the most exciting plays in baseball.
There's when a speedy hitter lays down a bunt.
I am dead inside.
I don't like this job.
And certainly not working with you cunts.
Uh, consider this my last fucking day.
Don't worry.
I don't have a gun,
but I would like to say fuck all of you.
And your mother's too.
Now I'm out of a job.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
And then you just leave.
Go on and get drunk.
I don't know.
I don't know what the fucking.
All right.
Dog wins marathon.
Hey, Billy, probably a dad.
I am.
I'm a father now,
which means I now get to fucking act like I know things that people who don't
have kids.
No, don't know.
Whatever.
You know, they do.
Oh, you don't understand.
You don't understand.
You're babies looking in your eyes.
Shut up.
You didn't wear a condom.
All right.
That is your fucking big.
That's what, that's what you did.
All right.
Stop acting like you walked on the moon.
Oh, do you have a baby?
Oh my God.
What is it?
12 billion of those fucking things.
It's like saying you have a hat.
All right.
Dog wins marathon.
Hey, Billy, probably a dad.
Thought you liked this story.
But it's my hat.
Thought you'd like this story.
A dog left its house and started running a marathon and ran alongside runners
and finished the whole thing.
He finished seventh.
Congratulations.
Get the fuck out of here.
Now I have to watch this video.
He ran the whole fucking.
No, he didn't.
Ludivine.
Ludivine ran the entire 13.1 miles without a leash or human companion.
Okay.
First of all, 13.1 miles is not a marathon.
Oh, half marathon.
Sorry.
See how the misinformation starts?
He fucking called it a marathon.
And then I start blaming CNN.
Dog wins marathon.
He won half a marathon.
See, you already started the lie.
Dog gives CPR after running a fucking marathon.
Runners in Alabama may have bitten off more competition than they anticipated
in a race earlier this month.
All right.
Now it makes sense.
Because I was like, what kind of a fucking dog owner would leave his front door
wide open and the goddamn thing just runs out and runs fucking 13 miles away.
Oh, obviously somebody in Alabama.
A dog finished in the top 10 in the Elkmont half marathon, the trackless train
track on January 16th and has been quite the internet sensation.
What is a trackless train track?
There used to be train tracks there?
Was this the Underground Railroad?
Is this how the slaves got out of there?
Yeah, you know, we let them, they escaped up this way, but we blocked it off.
Now we just do a marathon.
White people only marathon.
I love how they act like, like, I do it too.
Like, racist white people are only in the South.
That's not true.
We're everywhere.
Bloodvine, a bloodhound, lives nearby, and a bloodhound, oh, I fucking love
those.
That's not a bloodhound.
Oh, yes, it is.
But when it runs, its face is all flying backwards, so it looks like a fucking
retriever.
That's one of my favorite dogs ever.
Ah, goddammit, it's making me miss my dog.
All right, let's plow through this.
Bloodvine, a bloodhound, lives nearby.
By the way, update on Cleo is the new owner sent me a fucking picture, and it
was up on the couch, sleeping like a baby, loving life.
Probably doesn't even remember us, because it's a dog, and it lives in the
fucking present.
And so that was good to see.
But when I saw it, I was like, oh, fuck.
Anyway, she competed without a human or leash.
Her owner doesn't even run.
That's what makes this story.
You know what?
I don't like this story.
I don't like this.
I don't like this.
This is one of these just like, let's just go all together.
There's a nice heartwarming story for everyone.
All right, best man.
Hey, Billy Bitch Tits.
That's one of the most popular ones.
You guys always call me that.
Billy Bitch Tits.
Is it deliteration?
I do push-ups.
I don't have bitch tits yet.
I recently proposed to my girlfriend.
Congratulations.
And we're getting married in December.
Congratulations.
And when my lady asked me who I wanted as my best man, I realized I wasn't
close enough to anyone to ask them.
I have friends and co-workers and family, but I'm not really close with them.
Not enough to choose one best man anyway.
So with that, is this a fucking pitch for a Hollywood movie?
Didn't Kevin Hart have to, didn't, is this a Kevin Hart movie?
So with that being said, what are the chances of you showing up and being my
best man?
If not, can you get me in touch with Joe Rogan?
Thank you.
Where's your, uh, where's your wedding gonna be at?
If I got a gig, if I got a gig nearby, I'll fucking do it.
I'll come down, whatever you need.
Let me tell you something about, something that a lot of people don't know
about Larry.
Okay?
This guy, fucking, this guy listens to the Monday morning podcast.
Start doing the Madonna thing.
I'll just start hyping my fucking podcast.
That's what I'll do.
I'm gonna do the Madonna thing.
I'm gonna wear a beret.
I was like, you know, when I came here, I thought about blowing up this fucking
reception area.
Cause I didn't like the cake.
Why is the groom on the left?
And not the people read from left to right.
Why is it the lady first?
Um, anyway, I don't know what the fuck.
What I do, I don't know.
Maybe I'd do that.
I have no fucking idea.
Um, no, I'm not gonna do it.
Cause then I have to go through the whole fucking ceremony.
I got to present the ring and do all of that shit.
I don't want to fucking do that.
I barely wanted to be at my wedding.
Even though I had a great time.
That's what I learned about myself too.
I swear to God.
What I fucking learned about myself is the level of social anxiety that I have
that, um, the amount of big moments in my life that if I could just fast
forward through them and get on the other side of them, I would gladly do it to
not.
I mean, after I have the experience, I always think like, well, what the fuck
was I so, you know, anxious about?
And, um, I actually, you know, I, like my wedding was one of the best nights of
my life, but like, you know, my wife went into labor and shit, you know, I'm
driving her over there and everything.
And, uh, you know, there was that part of me was just going like, just thinking
like, I hope this is over as quickly as possible.
And it was, wasn't, there was like a selfish thought.
It had nothing to do with like, I don