Name: The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ From Where God Tried to Suck Out the Poison (Full Eps. 218)
Uploaded: 2023-09-13T16:27:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ From Where God Tried to Suck Out the Poison (Full Eps. 218)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ From Where God Tried to Suck Out the Poison (Full Eps. 218)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-13. Transcript available.

The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ From Where God Tried to Suck Out the Poison (Full Eps. 218)

rolling oh yeah one pre-roll today it's from helix you should never have to
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starts now that one pre-roll
luscious uh not as juicy as florida body surfing with the baby uh the perils of
kissing your turtle
and re a reader that questions the very premise that emails are a thing all
coming up in episode
218 of the jeselnik and rosenthal vanity project jrvp junior vice president
glory be in praise to god
i didn't do any of this god did i didn't have a recipe or a blueprint i prayed
for it
and my prayers are continuing to be answered
starting the show with some scripture what what what the hell was that i don't
know i was i was uh
looking up quotes last night looking up uh some quotes to get to uh for this
and somehow found
myself on a page of queen latifah quotes and they were all very because it was
like there's no way
you'd ever think oh queen latifah said this it was like i believe she said this
but it was never none of
it was notable uh for queen latifah to say and then in the corner i just see uh
quotes from kevin gates
and i was like yeah let's see what kevin gates uh has to say and that was it
glory be and praise to
god i didn't do any of this god did i didn't have a recipe or blueprint i
prayed for it and my prayers
are continuing to be answered kevin gates said that someone wrote it down and
put it on the internet
i think we should start every show with uh either queen latifah or kevin i didn't
do any of this
pardon my ignorance but who's kevin gates kevin gates is a rapper okay i think
uh that's my attitude
in life i'm uh i'm very grateful for for where i am of being such a legend to
be on such a legendary
show as the jesselnick and rosenthal vanity project jrvp junior vice president
i didn't do any of this
i didn't do it you did that uh mustache this week how about this listen people
like people we talked
about years ago when i got the mustache and i think it was the plan was to keep
the mustache and keep it
going and that backfired nobody liked to keep the mustache but what we realized
is that as the
mustache grows in it looks so sexy aaron how does this look right this aaron
this is i got this cut
on friday saturday sunday monday two this is four days growth how does my face
look it's good how
does it look though sexy so sexy so so sexy thank you like there's something
about leaving a little
mustache up there and then letting this just kind of start to stubble in it stumbles
in in a sexy way
okay it looks better than it did sunday i saw you sunday we can get to that but
i didn't look bad
on sunday no no but keep saying it like that like oh you look better now i look
good i look sexier
but the mustache was so front and center it was just like fresh mustache and it
was more of an
adjustment this just the sex is dripping off you but it was still sexy the kids
were like anthony
thank you for the presents you gave us you look sexy and i appreciated that
they did like the gifts
they were excited to get gifts yeah they smiled at the idea of getting gifts
and then saw the
gifts and i'm like okay no they were really excited about the walker jumped
around and stuff they're
happy to get things they were you got you got them some show hey i got any
shirts i got some high
fives i got maybe a tiny bit of a hug it was fun i enjoyed i enjoyed seeing the
kids i enjoyed seeing
the new house uh finally got some got them some room i didn't realize how like
cruel the first house was
you know when you see someone's house and you're like oh this is normal this is
how families live
and they move into like a real house and you're like oh i can't believe you put
your family through
that for so long in the old house um it's just it's cool to see it's cool to
see greg
stepping up as a father and a husband and a man and providing for his kids 30
more than he had been
before i mean ellis lived in that first house for the you know from years two
to ten so i hope it
wasn't that bad i wouldn't say she was living in the house surviving that house
you know making it
through the house hopefully not keeping a diary or you're in trouble she's
definitely keeping a
diary she's typing up stuff it's all sorts of things going on but yes the life
is much better
without um yvonne's parking lot right outside your window with lots of fights
going on and in it
do you have that anymore no no more than that it was nice i i did enjoy it i
find every time i hang
out with greg's kids i find it to be the most exhausting thing that's ever
happened to me
it is as if like it's as if like the the moisture gets sucked out of the room
and i am just so so
tired all of a sudden and it's not like they run me around it's not like they
do anything well it's
hot and we took a long walk to get frozen yogurt as soon as i get around the
kids it's like that
energy just energy drops and like hydration plummets aaron back me up on this
yeah being around kids it takes
the life out of you not in a bad way aren't just more impressed with everything
that i am able to
accomplish and the energy i bring to this podcast now you learn to operate at a
diminished level
you just learn to do that you're like okay i don't need to sleep or function or
half hydration you came
in looking sounding pretty tired today you know i was i haven't been sleeping
that well tired from them
i don't know if it's because liz uh liz has been gone i just i get to sleep
late and i wake up super
early and i'm just like okay fuck it let's go let's read a little bit of a book
let's go to the
gym and soon i will try to take a nap i've been cleaning up my place a little
bit getting rid of a
bunch of things while liz is gone because liz will be like oh we need to clean
up i don't want to get
rid of this i don't want to get rid of that and when she left i got rid of a
whole bunch of
shit oh she's gonna get mad about things i got rid of like what like pictures
of her and her family
from when she was young people who aren't with her anymore who aren't around me
what did you really
get rid of it's your stuff right it's a lot of my stuff i just got rid of a lot
of a lot of clothing
a lot of books really yeah just like i just had too much i gotta get rid of
stuff i gotta donate
let's donate these shoes what if i wanted one of the you know one of those
books you can't fit
you can't fit the books too big for you books too big hey you're speaking of
books aaron yeah you
know you know a movie i saw this weekend based on a book technically i saw the
flash do you see the
flash no you haven't seen the flash yet no i would not pay to see the flash but
as soon as it was on
max as soon as it was hit max discovery max as soon as it was on max for free i
watched it and oh my god
it's bad it's bad front to back i don't know why they thought it was ever going
to be anything but
bad what's his face the kid the the they kid who am i talking about uh ezra
miller ezra miller
yeah ezra miller is so annoying i'm sure he's good in the movie but the
character is so annoying
and there's two of them what do you mean you're sure he's good in the movie you
saw the movie i'm
sure he's a good actor like you said he's you said to me on sunday he ruined
the movie you can yes
because he's annoying you can be you can be giving a great performance and
still be like unwatchable
it's like my performance on this podcast it's my role i didn't like the girl
girl superman
and i'm not i'm not saying it's woke i'm just saying i don't know who that is i
don't know who
it is they introduce her and she's doing superman stuff but again i don't know
who that is i don't
know and then that i don't know what happens at the end i'm not sure i'm not
sure if they get
defeated or if they don't get defeated it's a jenkins it's it's cool it's it's
a close to jenkins
but it's it's a terrible movie and i don't know what they're thinking and i i
again i root for
superhero movies to come back but the flash was so so bad and i did watch based
on your recommendation
aaron i watched um guardians of the galaxy volume three and i liked it it's i
would say it's the
first one i've liked since endgame yeah because endgame logan came out before
endgame right yeah
okay yeah first one and hey aaron are you deadpool do you like it i do how much
scale one at a time
oh they're solid eights they're not going to hold up well i'm excited for part
three probably not
but it's going to be it's it's the shrek of the superhero universe i mean what
superhero movies
really hold up that well plenty uh winter soldier holds up as a movie and
forget how is the like
original batman's doing they're still great yeah original batman batman uh batman
returns holds up
okay great yep okay uh dolph lundgren punisher holds up as if it was made today
i contend that's a good movie it just has really terrible music in it all they
had to do was give
dolph lundgren the punisher costume and it would have been cool yeah they didn't
they didn't do that
for some reason they couldn't afford the skull it made me mad as a kid well now
it means something
completely different you know i've been uh i've been singing a song guys and i
want to see if this
catches on i started i've been like kind of just singing a song to myself and greg
knows
from the days of living with me that i will come up with the song yeah i will
get obsessed with it i do
the same and liz is finally like liz snaps this is like a week or so ago i was
like what are you
singing what is this what's your stupid little song that you're singing over
and over again
and i start to sing it i just have a chorus and liz is let's say disgusted disgusted
disgusted 110 on board would follow me on the road if i thought of ways to make
it into a real song
aaron you know musicians uh-huh let's let's i'm gonna i'm gonna sing you guys a
little something
and then let's try to put a band together let's try to get the best person for
each instrument
and then get them in the room and then make some fucking music and make a
billion dollars
on streaming does that sound good guys i think this is a plan does that sound
like a like a fucking
move all right so just picture it i don't know what the other lyrics are but
these are the lyrics that
i've come up with okay so if you're watching on youtube right now close your
eyes if you're listening
keep doing what you're doing if you're in the studio look at me okay all right
there's a hole in my dick
there's a hole in my dick there's a hole in my dick from where god tried to
suck out the poison
don't you think that if you base a song around that that's the heart of the
song yeah everything
else revolves around that you're gonna make millions of dollars streaming that
song billions
rich men of north richmond is that is that the thing aaron that was the thing
what's the rich
yeah you got it rich men of north richmond i have no idea what that is you know
oh aaron come on
Aaron, it looks like you.
It looks like you singing songs.
He's gotten woke.
Aaron, did you go woke?
No.
It looks like you.
Just a regular Joe.
It's a guy with a beard singing a song in what appears to be a junkyard.
Let's hear your song again.
There's a hole in my dick, Danny.
There's a hole in my dick, Danny.
There's a hole in my dick from where God tried to suck out the poison.
It's a banger.
Yeah.
I'm telling you, guys, we get a guitar.
Sure.
We get a drum.
Yep.
Maybe more than one, yeah.
We get a bass.
Yep.
We get ourselves a keyboard, and we are going to make millions of dollars
streaming.
Now, what is, I think Aaron seems like the drummer, or the roadie.
Who am I?
Am I in the band?
Am I