Name: The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ How Far in Advance is Too Far in Advance? (Full Eps. 223)
Uploaded: 2023-11-08T17:40:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ How Far in Advance is Too Far in Advance? (Full Eps. 223)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ How Far in Advance is Too Far in Advance? (Full Eps. 223)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-08. Transcript available.

The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ How Far in Advance is Too Far in Advance? (Full Eps. 223)

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Am I just louder in my ears than normal? I'm more annoying. I can hear
everything. I can hear your breathing, Anthony.
You're chewing. You were just chewing food and drinking all before the show.
The previous hosts also liked the volume very high on their headphones.
I think that's what it is. It's insane. You know what else is insane?
That you haven't started the show yet?
What would be our favorite cartoon horror movie?
The best way to avoid paying a check, all on episode 223 of the Jesselnick and
Rosenthal Vanity Project.
J-R-V-P.
Junior Vice President.
Don't have a cup of coffee this Halloween.
Have a cauldron of coffee instead.
All right. I've turned down the headphones in my ears, so now I don't feel
completely insane.
How are you, Anthony?
Not good, guys. Not good.
Why?
Let me tell you, okay. Occasionally, we tape two episodes back to back.
Things get a little goofy. Things get a little goofy. I do. I like to be honest.
You like to hide things from people. I'm honest.
Honest Abe is what they call me here at All Things Comedy.
Honest Ant.
Honest Abe.
They tried Honest Ant, and there was already someone named Ant, whose name was
just Ant, not Anthony, and they were honest too, and they didn't want to
confuse us, so they remained Honest Ant, and I got to be Honest Abe.
Not having anything to do with Abraham Lincoln, it just seemed easy.
Now I'm here, a third episode this week, and again, I get it. We've got to do
these in advance.
I understand coming in a second day during the week for Aaron. Aaron told us to
come in at five.
It's now, Aaron, what time is it right now?
It's 5.51.
It's 5.51.
Because when we got here at five, what was happening in here?
Some bullshit, Aaron.
Aaron, how many podcasts do you produce?
A lot more than just the JRVP.
You produce one.
No.
You can work on other podcasts.
You produce one.
If you tell me five o'clock, I want to be in here at five o'clock podcasting,
and then I set it up, and it's like, oh, the headphones are loud because the
last podcast liked them loud.
Aaron, you make it how I like it, and I don't know how I like it.
Maybe it's in the middle, but it wasn't loud.
That's for damn sure, and then I come in here trying to eat some goldfish
before the show, getting yelled at.
Well, it was completely insane.
Now I realize that the headphones were turned up, so that was making it even
more dramatic.
But if you're in front of a microphone after all these years, you should know.
Don't be chomping and slurping all over your goldfish and then gurgling your
drink.
It was terrible.
None of these terms applied to what was happening.
It was so loud.
No one slurps goldfish.
You were slurping the water after the goldfish is what happened.
It's got a built-in straw.
Anyway, I shouldn't be here.
I've got better things going on in my life than this.
We would technically still be doing this podcast at this time if we'd started
at five.
Not on a Thursday.
And I don't even know when this airs.
I had a Halloween quote.
This might not be airing until fucking June.
That's the thing.
You can either don't point out that we're taping it in advance and be cool,
or don't talk about it the whole time saying, oh, it's Halloween.
You don't need to talk about it.
What if something crazy happens while we're gone?
Some crazy, some Hindenburg-type situation that everyone's talking about.
Oh, my God.
Did you hear Dwayne Perkins tried to shoot the president?
And then people turn into the podcast.
Funny DP.
And we're just dicking around about, you know, how to goldfish sound when they're
shooting directly into the mic.
That is, you know, what they expect out of us.
I don't have anything to talk about this week.
I used all my stuff last week.
Now I just have – I got nothing.
Didn't you watch some reality show you want to talk about in general?
I tried to watch.
I totally abandoned Love is Blind.
Listen, I watched the second half of the last season and hated it so much.
Oh, the last season was great.
I watched a handful.
But I didn't watch the beginning.
I've watched three plus the Japan season.
This one fucking sucked.
I was like, no.
I heard you said it was bad.
It was the worst one I've ever watched.
Yeah, so I'm like, I'm not doing this.
I cut it off.
I told Liz she can't watch it either.
But I do watch.
I have been watching.
Wait, you control what she watches?
What kind of relationships?
I control everything she does.
That doesn't seem healthy.
Everything she does.
You want to ask her?
I'll have her drive here right now.
I'll ask her Saturday night.
We're getting dinner.
You're taking us out.
Yeah, I'm taking you guys to – I don't want to say where.
Because when people hear this in a month, they can time travel and go see us
eating pizza.
Did I tell the story about the auction when it happened?
No.
I guarantee – now that you said no so quickly, I guarantee I've told it on
the podcast multiple times and you do not remember.
I won a dinner for four at Pizza Ribianco, the best pizza I've ever had in my
whole fucking life.
And I'm not saying that with any sort of artifice behind it.
It's straight up the best pizza I've ever had in my life.
They made an episode of Chef's Table about the guy who made this restaurant.
I've heard of that.
And I went in Phoenix once and had a couple – got up a couple pizzas there
and it was the best I've ever had.
They had one in downtown LA.
I think Jimmy Kimmel's a part owner.
And during the writer's strike, they had an auction where you could bid on
different things.
I tried to get the Jack Handy thing.
But to practice getting on the Jack Handy thing, I bid on Pizza Ribianco.
Wait, you needed to practice because you didn't know how an online auction
worked?
Yeah.
I wanted to make sure when I bid, it's going to go through.
Like maybe there's not another extra step because I was trying to do it last
second, which was my downfall on the Jack Handy thing.
But I did win this.
Way overpaid because they were like, hey, we're excited to have you guys.
Don't go crazy on – it's all like food and alcohol.
Please don't go crazy on alcohol.
We do have very nice wine.
Don't go – have fun, but don't go nuts.
We could have gone so hard.
I'm like, you guys might have a glass of wine.
Will I have a glass of wine at Pizza Ribianco?
Probably not.
Will you have a glass of wine?
Probably not.
I mean, wine is good with pizza.
If I was going to have a glass of wine, I would kind of want it with this meal.
I don't think I'm going to do it, but I could.
I've had some drinks recently.
I drank a little bit in London, but I'm not going to be inspired to.
You won't be.
And it's the night before game day.
One glass of wine.
I play.
One glass of wine.
I'm suiting up this Sunday.
With the whole pizza.
I know, but I just don't want to.
I just don't like it that much.
Yeah.
I mean, listen, I wasn't planning on drinking, but they're going to be very
excited to see
us coming in there, being like, oh, you guys are just – maybe they'll give us
extra
pizzas.
I want pizzas.
The one with pistachios, it's the truth.
It's the best one of all of them.
Really?
There's a pizza with pistachios.
We're getting multiple.
Okay.
We're going to go hard.
Come hungry.
Tell Emica not to eat a fucking thing starting now.
Anyway, I'm watching The Golden Bachelor.
I've watched the last couple of Bachelors, Bachelorettes.
I don't like it, but it's like you can have it on the background.
You can make fun of these people.
The Golden Bachelor.
Aaron, you know what I'm talking about?
I do.
I've seen a bunch of them.
It's the old guy, yeah.
It's part of a new trend of kind of like older dating reality shows.
There's a few on Netflix as well.
Mm-hmm.
That's fine.
Old people got to do what they got to do.
I think The Golden Bachelor – and people think it's very heartwarming.
And again, this episode is airing in – when is this?
November sometime?
It's mid-October right now.
It's pre-Halloween.
I don't know what's happened.
I think the last time I've seen The Golden Bachelor – and there's an episode
airing
tonight that I will watch.
Last thing I saw that I think is five women left.
But you were just watching everyone's story on these dates.
In The Regular Bachelor, they're sitting there and they're like, oh yeah, I go
to college.
I just graduated in this.
I'm doing marketing.
I really love Houston.
These motherfuckers on Golden Bachelor are like, I held my husband's head in my
hands
while he died and said his final words.
And he's like, yeah, I held my wife's hand while she died.
And they're like, yeah, it wouldn't be amazing to have someone.
And they're like, yeah, it would.
And then they dance.
And then he's got to be like, all right, you get a rose.
And then he's going to break up with one of them every week.
He's just going to destroy all these women when it should just be the hot one.
Aaron, do you know what I'm talking about when I say the hot one on The Golden
Bachelor?
I can't recall.
I mean, so now you're not only pointing out how we tape Wade in advance, but
you're talking
about what's going to be a very dated moment in the show.
No.
No, I'm not.
Because I think maybe The Golden Bachelor is wrapping up around this time.
I'm not getting too specific.
I'm just saying the guy, The Bachelor, seems equally interested in every woman
he talks
to.
There's no, like, I like you more.
I like you more.
There's no chemistry.
It's just him being a gentleman to everyone.
And he's going to destroy all these women.
It's like if your dad was on The Bachelor.
He'd be very polite, I feel like, to all the women.
I think my dad, I think my dad would be, he'd be like, film me in close-up,
guys.
Because a gentleman, gentleman on the screen, but anything below my waist is
like anything
goes, he's going to be handsy.
He's going to be grabbing.
He's going to be doing the pinches, Aaron.
He's going to be doing the pinches.
Make my dad The Golden Bachelor.
Do you have to, it seems like everyone on The Golden Bachelor are widows or widowers.
Their husband or wife has died.
You don't hear a lot of divorces.
Do not interrupt me when I'm talking about this, Golden Bachelor.
You asked the question.
Can my dad be the first Golden Bachelor who is both still married to a woman
who is alive?
Can my dad just try to get away with it?
See how far he gets before my mom notices.
I would watch that show.
Golden Side Piece?
Golden, I like Golden Side Piece, Aaron.
I won't use it because it was your idea.
Yeah, but I like it.
Golden Side Piece.
I think my dad would crush it.
Now when you, again, from what you could see in the camera in