Name: The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ Helena Bonham Carter (Full Eps. 225)
Uploaded: 2023-11-29T19:24:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ Helena Bonham Carter (Full Eps. 225)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ Helena Bonham Carter (Full Eps. 225)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-29. Transcript available.

The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project/ Helena Bonham Carter (Full Eps. 225)

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I was out of practice, but I nailed that.
If you like having pre-rolls back in your life, your mind will be blown by the
takes on Matt Reif,
a fight club for kids, and email corner.
All coming up in episode 225 of the Jesselnick and Rosenthal Vanity Project.
JRVP.
Junior Vice President.
Freedom works both ways.
We're back, and Anthony says he's going to try to be a good boy this episode.
I'm going to do my best.
Listen, we're taping two back-to-back.
This is the first of two.
I've been gone for a month.
I've been on the road, living out of a suitcase.
It was a lot.
And toward the end, I was over it.
And I landed, gotten back to LA, and been very excited to be home for two and a
half days
before I leave tomorrow to go to Portland.
And the last thing I want to be doing is this.
But I put on my big boy pants, and I got my haircut today, and I'm coming in to
do my best.
The next three weeks are really tough.
Once the next three weeks are over, my life gets much, much easier.
And then the next year is easier.
But these next three weeks are my water loop, if you want to bring Napoleon
into it.
And it's not just like what I have going on the next three weeks.
It's that it's when these three weeks are coming in my year.
It's everything.
It's been a lot.
I've been good.
And now the wheels are coming off a little bit, and I got this three weeks to
get through.
But I'm here.
Aren't you just happy to see me, though?
It is nice to see you.
Nice to see Aaron.
Thank you.
I came in before Greg today, and I was like, Aaron, how was your Thanksgiving?
And then walked away to go to the bathroom before we ever finished.
I was like, I don't know why.
You look like a completely different person.
This keeps happening when I see you.
Your beard is almost totally gone.
I mean, you got some stubble, but more so than any time in the last few years.
It's true.
Your hair is long in the back.
You kind of look like a hockey player.
Yeah.
I look like Kenny Pickett.
Yeah, I've got a thing I've got to film two weeks from now.
I want to get my hair cut.
And a lot of times my hair is short on this because I'm only home for two days.
And one of those days has to be haircut day.
And so I've got to – I trimmed it short so that two weeks from now it will be
a little fuller
and it will be what I want it to be.
We play the long game when I get my hair cut.
We're thinking in advance.
What's my two-week plan?
Me and Shin, my girl.
So, yeah, don't think you're not going to see the beard anymore.
This is just the prepping.
Somehow I know – and this is through my dad.
You know, my dad and my mom, they say hi.
They'll see you soon at the Boston show.
Yes.
It's very nice.
You offered to go out to dinner afterwards.
They were touched by that.
So they're looking forward to that.
I'm excited.
But he had mentioned, actually, somehow your haircut activities got brought up
on Mark Maron's podcast,
which he did a long story about.
Maron's been talking about the haircuts a lot.
Maron went to my haircut lady, asked me who should cut his hair, knowing I have
the best hair in the business.
And I did not steer him wrong.
And we got our haircuts together one day.
We were just, like, sitting there, like, looking in the mirror laughing.
He was like, yeah, maybe I should live stream this right now and watch us lose
all our fans.
But it was fun.
She was too expensive for me.
Yeah, you can't – not everyone can handle it.
I didn't need it.
Mark had barely handled it.
I was like, just fucking do it.
Just do it.
I don't know if I ever talked about this in the podcast, but Mark and I are
sitting there.
He's getting – he's finishing his haircut when I come in for mine.
And then she does mine while he's, like, getting shampooed or whatever.
And she's talking to us about how to style our hair.
Because he's like, what do I do with this now?
You know, and I'm like, I've got longer hair.
I'm like, what do I do with this?
And she's like, all right, guys.
She's like, let me tell you what to do.
And we're like, okay, we'll listen to whatever you say.
You obviously know what you're doing.
She's like, you've got to stop washing your hair so much.
She's like, wash your hair less.
Wash it, like, once a week, twice a week.
And the other times you go in the shower, she's like, don't even get it wet.
Water, like, it, like, drops your hair.
You want it to be – you want volume in there.
So, like, just take a shower without wetting your hair like women do.
And Mark and I are like, okay.
We're like, okay, yeah, just wash our hair less.
Okay, we can do – okay, great.
Got it.
This is life-changing.
And then she's like, and then you've got to blow dry.
And we go, fuck you.
We both go, fuck you.
I'd rather shave my head right now than ever blow dry my hair, ever.
And she threw her hands up and left the room.
And we laughed.
Because we're guys.
We're guys with great haircuts who are at the top of our games comedically.
I haven't washed my hair in, like, three days, too.
I've been following that MO.
But you can't put product in it then.
You can't, like, put product in it and then leave it unwashed.
You can't.
You just put – you have to put less product in because it's water.
And then when you wash it once a week or twice a week, you wash it twice.
Two shampoo runs, then conditioner.
And then you can do it.
But, yeah.
I still do.
You can't play softball three times a week.
I still do a couple times a week here.
It's hard if you work out.
But if people check out the YouTube show, I mean, it's looking good right now.
If you got short hair, you can wash it as much as you want.
You can get it wet all the time.
When it gets longer, you want that volume.
Guys, this is 101.
I shouldn't have to be coming in here explaining to everyone how volume works.
You want lustrous, voluminous hair with shine.
Voluminous.
Voluminous.
With shine.
Did you think, you know, after you hadn't seen me for a month here, we would
just come
right back in at the Justin Lick and Rosenthal Vanity Project?
JRVP.
Junior Vice President.
Just break right into Hair Care 101?
I mean, I'm always waiting to teach you a lesson about Hair Care 101.
I am the master.
Aaron, if you woke up in the morning with a question about your hair, who do
you come to,
me or Greg?
Oh, by far, it's you.
It's me.
Okay?
Do you have a question you'd ever ask Bill Burr about his hair?
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
You would never do that, even though you could between the hours of 11 and 4,
five days a
week.
Yeah.
You could just walk in there.
Yeah.
But you're like, why?
Yeah.
Why?
Why waste my time talking to Bill Burr?
By the way, my dad thinks you're very funny, Aaron.
Aaron, say I would not waste my time.
I won't say that.
Okay.
He thinks you're very funny, Aaron.
And he asked me, he's like, do they work on, you know, they've got a nice thing
going
back and forth, Aaron and Anthony, him always kind of, you know, green and
stuff.
He's like, do they work on that ahead of time?
I was like, oh yeah.
They have beats.
They have meetings throughout the week.
Fully scripted.
Yeah.
Aaron and I were on the phone for hours last night coming up with that one.
He said you have great timing though, Aaron.
Thank you.
Thanks to Tom.
Big listener.
Big fan.
Aaron, you blew the joke.
Tom, also my dad's name.
So there we go.
Greg, tell me I have great timing.
You have great timing.
Thank you.
How was your Thanksgiving with the family?
It was really nice.
They were here for a week.
I had lost my voice actually for two or three days right before they came here.
I think I was doing too many, too many shows, too many podcasts.
I don't know.
Too much, too much, whatever.
So that was, that was troubling.
I had trouble sleeping and all that, but they got here.
I'm definitely appreciating.
I feel like you're like this, too, now.
My parents are even a little older.
Like, you don't know how many times they're going to be able to come out here.
So enjoy it.
And we did.
We went to a friend, like my Ellis and Walker's friend's parents' house.
We didn't even have to cook.
And it was like on a ranch.
Walker got to drive like a little tractor.
There was cows there.
There was, it was really America.
It's like the Pilgrims did it.
That sounds great.
I was home in Pittsburgh.
I flew in from Tampa.
Now, again, I'm going to talk about, I was gone for a month.
Next week's episode, which I'll be recording in hopefully 25 minutes,
is, I'll talk about New York and the rest of the festival.
New York was a great, a great week.
One of the best weeks of my life.
But Pittsburgh was great, too.
Flew in from Tampa to Pittsburgh Tuesday night.
Got to see the whole family.
And then Wednesday, I did one of the most baller things I've ever done.
And I got a luxury box for the Penguins game and had my whole family come.
And like family, family friends, my sister's getting married next year.
So some of their family came.
And it was like the best thing I've ever done.
Penguins lost 1-0, but it was a great game.
Edge of our seats the whole time.
Crosby almost scored one at the end to take us into overtime,
which would have been insane.
But it was the best experience I've ever had with my family at a sports game.
It was so great to be in that box.
I feel like you've done that before.
Why was it any different?
I did.
I once did a box for my dad's birthday when he turned 70.
He threw out the first pitch.
But that was like 40 people.
It was so many people.
This was like family.
This was like 15 family members hanging out, watching the game.
So it was like you weren't just running around like glad handing.
You could actually watch the game and kind of bond with people.
Everyone had a blast.
Thank you, Penguins.
Thank you, family.
It was so much fun.
You paid the whole freight.
I'm just curious about the dynamics of these things.
Paid the whole freight.
Because I was like, I was going to buy tickets for people.
And then the number of tickets starts getting up there.
And I'm like, oh, this is expensive.
And then I'm like, well, to get my parents to come to a hockey game, I got to
get the box.
They don't enjoy it as much.
My mom had never been to a game before.
So I'm like, if I get the box, then it's not that much more expensive than
getting like 20 tickets.
And it got my parents there.
But everyone loved it.
I'm going to make this a family tradition.
I will go every time I'm home.
There's a Penguins game.
I will get a box and take my family.
It was awesome.
Yeah.
I mean, you can't recreate the excitement of a 1-0 hockey loss anywhere else.
It was great.
Listen, I had no complaints.
The only thing that would have made it better is if Crosby buried that goal at
the end.
But even then, it was still so fun that it did not matter that we lost.
I loved it.
Everyone loved it.
Liz was there?
Liz was there.
Liz loved it.
And then Thursday, Thanksgiving, was a great day.
My brother took off, unfortunately.
But Thanksgiving was fun with the family.
And again, you do appreciate more.
You know, we all have friends whose parents are either no longer with us or
kind of towards the end.
And so it made me appreciate that time with th