Name: The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project / Mailbag Spectacular #8 (Full Eps. 240)
Uploaded: 2024-03-27T16:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project / Mailbag Spectacular #8 (Full Eps. 240)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project / Mailbag Spectacular #8 (Full Eps. 240)' from Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-27. Transcript available.

The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project / Mailbag Spectacular #8 (Full Eps. 240)

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things a little
differently this week. We got emails up the wazoo, emails about senior prom, an
email about Jeremy
Renner and recasting new action movies all coming up in episode 240 of the Jesselnick
and
Rosenthal Vanity Project. JRVP. Junior Vice President. You run into an asshole
in the morning,
you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.
Have I used that quote?
Have I used that quote before? No, but when you're right, you're right. It's a
great quote. I love that quote. That is an Elmore Leonard quote. I don't know
what story it's from or what book it's from, but on the show, Justified, they
use that quote quite a bit. And it's a great, it's a great line. I use it all
the time. Whenever someone is complaining about a lot of different people, you
say that quote. You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.
You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole. It is as true today as it
was.
When it was written. We got a mailbag for you today. Uh, we just, we did last
week's episode and then just sat here and now we're starting the other one. Not
because of me. I'm touring all around the world, uh, the past, uh, year and a
half and the next six months, but, uh, we're taking the week off next week
because of Greg, because Greg has a vacation in Miami or in Hawaii with his
children, his wife, his parents, and his wife's parents.
Yeah. They're meeting up for the first time since our wedding. It's not halfway.
Hawaii's not halfway from Japan to Massachusetts, but it's the closest, you
know, we were going to get, I guess, California would, would be another option,
but we wanted to make Tom and Debbie work. You know, we wanted to make them go
a little extra and earn it. And it's going to be fun. Um, I'm, I'm very excited
for it.
Yeah. I mean, it's going to be, you're going to get to overhear all kinds of
fun conversations between those four. Um, try not to have too much sex. That's
all I'm saying.
I mean, we've, we've all got separate bedrooms, so.
A mistake.
Because you're not going to use them all. You're going to be like, why we're
throwing our money away. We're all just in this one bed. Why do we pay for four?
Have fun. Have fun. Tom and Debbie.
I would love to see if Tom and Debbie, uh, would bring up this very
conversation at the dinner table in Japan. Try to explain the humor, uh, to
them there. Cause they'll listen to it. They're in Hawaii. They're going to be,
they're like, sorry, it's Tuesday night. I got to take a walk on the beach and
listen to the latest Jesselnick and Rosenthal vanity project. JRVB.
Junior vice president.
Do you think if I went to Hawaii with you guys, do you think if I was like,
listen, I'm going to get a tattoo. I found this is amazing tattoo artist right
down the beach. He's incredible. He's a fan of mine. He's willing to give me
and anyone I want a tattoo. Who's coming with me. I know you're in. And as soon
as I even started the story, you were like, Oh my God, I'm in. Do you think
Debbie would get a tattoo with us?
No, you don't. I think nobody would.
The only one that would possibly is Emeka.
I think I could talk Walker into it. I think I get Walker on board. Uh, I think,
I think Debbie, when people get old enough, they're like, I can't do any damage
to this. Let me get some ink. You want to get a tattoo with Anthony Jesselnick?
I think you're taking that chance.
Okay. I bet Tom's Tom, maybe still thinking about trying to get in that Jewish
cemetery one day, not getting the tattoo. Debbie, Debbie wants nothing to do
with that Jewish cemetery. She wants a real cemetery.
And so I think she'd get the tattoo. Although one of the things, you know, when
you're, when you age, the skin gets a little looser. I don't know if that could
be an issue.
Not if you get it when you're old, you know what I mean? Like, what would the,
what would the tattoo be? Let's say me, you and your mom are getting a tattoo
in Hawaii. Um, we could just go hula girl, you know, or what if I get Debbie's
face tattooed on me?
Debbie gets my face tattooed on her. And then you get a face. That's like half
mine, half Debbie's.
That'd be beautiful. It would be amazing. That's my ideal.
And I think the Hawaiian tattoo artists can do that the best. They're so good
at that.
All right. So we're going to crank through as many emails as we can, uh, before
Anthony just passes out from giving too much funny in one day.
The first one is, uh, from Jonathan in Austin was just there for the first time.
I like it.
Here's a thought. It's to you as well, Aaron, uh, Rummy and Ms. Kim.
Here's a thought I had the other night after a pre-roll. Is there any classic
action movie that could be made better if you swapped the original star of the
movie with another action movie star?
For example, would blood sport have been better if Stallone played Frank ducks
instead of Van Damme or if Schwarzenegger had played John McClane instead of
Bruce Willis?
I mean, no one know on those, but I would say absolutely now what classic
action movie could you ruin the quickest, uh, by swapping out stars to you
could ruin.
Almost any, I mean, listen, the action movies that I loved as a kid, like were
perfect. Do you know what I mean? Like I'd heard, I think I heard that, that
Schwarzenegger was talked about being in Cobra.
You know, like there were fights between Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Aaron,
you read that book, the last, uh, last action heroes talked about this a lot
that you could switch out Schwarzenegger and Stallone in almost anything.
And I think you're making it worse, but it's still the same movie kind of, you
know?
I mean, Stallone could do Total Recall. Stallone, I feel like, could not do
Terminator. I don't know why. Just see if it feels like it could be bad.
Imagine if they had put OJ Simpson as Terminator, like as they were going to do,
or like, I think Lance Hendrickson, who was a cop in the movie, was going to be
a Terminator.
You could have fucked that movie up in any multiple ways. What I think would
make it better is you take Steven Seagal and you put them in those movies.
If you put Steven Seagal in Cobra, it is so much funnier. Like if you put
Steven Seagal in Terminator, it's the greatest movie ever made.
Steven Seagal in Die Hard is like a 20 minute movie.
It's like, it's, he, Steven Seagal looks down the elevator shaft and is like, I'm
not doing that.
And that's, that's the end.
Uh, he just keeps walking around going, no, I got a machine gun.
Ho, ho, ho.
Like it would be so good that I would put Seagal in anyone. And then there's
one movie. Did you ever see, I remember being obsessed with this movie as a kid.
Have you ever seen, fuck, it was called, I think it was called The Perfect Weapon.
It starred a guy named Jeff Speakman.
Yep, I've seen it.
That the, the, the commercials when you were a kid made it look like, how have
you not heard about Jeff Speakman?
You like Schwarzenegger, you like Stallone. Why don't you like Jeff Speakman?
And then the movie came out and no one ever talked about it ever again.
That I was like, what, where's Jeff Speakman?
Why aren't we seeing Jeff Speakman in every single movie? If he's, if he's the
perfect weapon.
Who's the other guy? The guy, he died recently.
Remo.
Remo Williams?
Remo Williams. The adventures of Remo Williams.
Remo Williams, the adventure begins.
And then that, the adventure ended right there.
Remo Williams was on TV every time I turned it on for a 10 year period.
Where he like ran through sand with like an old Asian guy training him.
So that he could be the, he could be the total badass.
And it was awesome.
But yeah, that's my answer is Steven Seagal in any movie.
It would be tough to, to, it would be very easy as he said to ruin just about
anything.
Any Keanu movie feels like it would be ruined without Keanu.
Cause he just gives such a vibe that it would be hard to imagine replacing them.
But yeah, replacing them with like anything, like any of those big time 80s
action movies,
you replace them with Paul Reiser.
It's not going to work.
No, that's true.
Even though Paul Reiser was in Aliens.
Yep.
Yep.
He does.
He gets, he was great in Aliens.
Yeah.
I would like to see, um, I think, um, uh, Django Unchained, but take out Jamie
Foxx and put
in, um, uh, the fuck, what's his name?
Oh, fuck.
Home Improvement.
Tim Allen.
You put Tim Allen in Django Unchained as Jamie Foxx ruins the movie.
Ruins it.
I would, would, would you watch it?
Yes, you would, but it would not be a good movie.
Django too.
Uh, if anyone wants to, yeah, send us in like a Photoshop of, of a Django Unchained
movie
poster with, with Tim Allen, I would, I would laugh at it.
I would maybe put it in a future show.
You know, the original John McClane was supposed to be.
No.
Oh, um, yeah.
Dude, don't tell me.
Uh, Frank Sinatra.
Yes.
Yes.
Frank Sinatra.
Yeah.
The book it was based on is so old.
It was Frank Sinatra.
And then Eastwood was their second choice when it, Eastwood would work.
I would, I mean, it would have been different because he was, he, Eastwood
would have been
an old man doing it.
It would have worked.
But he would, I'm saying if he was a younger man, like a younger Eastwood doing
that, you
could see that.
People don't understand how crazy it was to have Bruce Willis in that movie and
how it
just, it just, it worked in a way that no one could have ever predicted.
Yeah.
Without Bruce Willis, that movie is nothing.
Mm.
Um, unless you get Steven Seagal.
Our next one.
And when I say Steven Seagal, I mean Steven Seagal now.
Yeah.
I mean like 65, like can't stop eating pasta, Steven Seagal.
That's who I want.
Oh, I did fuck this up.
Aaron, when I'm ready to dance and I don't get to dance, you fucked up.
Right.
I don't know if we want to do music between each one or if I, if I just want to
move on.
Uh, cause you never know when I'm going to be ready to move on.
This one's from Gavin.
A few months ago, me and my friend bought tickets to your 420 Minneapolis show
coming up in April.
Uh, everything was looking good for us until last night when we realized it's
also the day
of our senior prom.
I love it.
You got, you got the high school crew to both of us.
The choice seemed obvious, but we still might regret if we skip the dance.
We were wondering what your thoughts were on the subject of us doing the
classic prom night gimmick,
switching between the two buildings all the while swapping my suits and waiting
for a hijinks to do a little bit of both.
Uh, please help us, Anthony.
We promise to give you more of our money.
I don't know how switching your suits would help you in any way.
You're not trying to like make your date think you're there and then come back.
You're not coming back and forth between the show.
If you got, listen, if you got early show tickets, it's a 7 PM show.
You're out of there by 830, 840 tops.
You can make your prom.
You're not going to dinner, but it doesn't sound like you guys have dates.
It sounds like you are each other's dates and you can just go to prom by
yourself.
I recommend that.
You don't 