We're on our WhatsApp, our sister's WhatsApp, and we're grieving, and it does occur to me that grief is a lot like religion because we're trying to make sense of something that is beyond our comprehension. We're trying to understand something that may not be understandable. And like Susie wrote, um, you guys, two birds landed in my windowsill, and I know it was them. And, you know, Jodine and Laura were like, it was them, and I want to contribute. I hearted it. And then, um, Laura was like, I was at Target, and a woman walked up to me and told me I looked gorgeous and purple, and I know that was Janice. And Susie and Jodine were like, it was Janice, you know, and I'm like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah. But it was actually what Jodine said that got me. You know, she said, um, she said, you guys, I farted for like four seconds. And I said, it's dad. Thank you. One time we were we were fooling around and this just came out of my mouth. I didn't plan it. And I go, um, you just showed up at my summer camp. And even he was like, uh, but he saved it. He goes, uh, but you like own the camp, right? I go, yeah, yes, I own the camp. Yes. This is my dad's Yelp review. Five stars. My dentist's theory is, if it doesn't hurt, don't fix it. At 84, this has worked pretty good for me. Now I finally find an exception to my rule, and that exception is James Hernandez. No time is wasted with Jimmy at the helm. He has golden hands, fixing what ails your mouth promptly and efficiently. Get rid of your old shit dentist and switch to the best. Tell him Schleppi sent you. At one point, Rory is, um, he's sitting with my dad, and my dad's phone went off, and I don't understand how old people, they don't know how to use a smartphone, but somehow they hack into it and make the volume 1000. Also, the ringtone was the Star Spangled Banner. Rory's like, uh, you want me to answer this? It's somebody named Steve Foreman. And my dad goes, okay. So he puts it on speaker, and he holds it up, and this guy, Steve Foreman, goes, schleppy, say it ain't so, and they have a little conversation, and it's very sweet, and they hang up, and, uh, my dad says to Rory, you know who that was? You ever hear of imitation crab? Rory's like, uh, yeah, they, uh, put it in sushi sometimes, right? And, uh, my dad goes, that guy invented imitation crab. And he looked it up, he really did. In 1970, now he's rich. And so Rory goes, that's amazing. How'd you meet him? And my dad goes, Dunkin' Donuts. They met at Dunkin' Donuts, and now they're having a conversation on his deathbed. My dad, he called me every Saturday and I almost never picked up the phone because his messages were gold. And I committed a couple of them to memory. I remember one was around the time when everybody had cell phones, like even in New Hampshire, you know. And he calls me and he goes, guess where I am? The cow wash. Can you believe it? I'm talking into this hunk of plastic and it's bouncing off the sky and down to you, the sky. And then he just starts going, Oi. Oi. Oi. His windows were down. And I was listening to him get soaked for several minutes. You know, I've been doing stand-up since I was 17, and when I think back at my younger years, at how absolutely cunty and judgmental I was, I'm so embarrassed. Like, I remember thinking, like, ugh, women in leopard print is so lame. Like, it's so tacky. Only old Jewish and Italian women were leopard print. And then I turned 50, and I realized, you know, it's such a fun print. Wow. When I go into Dad's room, and I said, "Dad, I know you wanted to be buried, but would you mind being cremated only because," and what I'm about to say is, it's gonna be bad for the Jews, but I did get a deal on Janice's plot. I really did. I said, "It's called a plus one, and you can be buried with her like three feet above, but you have to be cremated to fit," and he goes, "I don't give a fuck. You'll be dead," and I'm like, "Oh, you're so easy. We'll take it. Thank you."
