I moved recently because of you nice folks I could I could buy a nice house and I'm very thankful for that and thank you I bought a house in a neighborhood though that I think is too nice you know like it kind of reminds me of a store this to do you ever walk into a store and like right away you're like I should leave like when you get there I feel like there's some whenever they offer you something to drink in a store that's a sign you know some stores you walk into and they're like would you like still or sparkling water and you're like I left something in the car I'll be right back well I mean all my neighbors they're like investment bankers and partners in legal firms and then I'm there like do you eat ass or what do you do man you know and they're like thanks for buying a house it's great to have you here's what's wild a current or former United States senator I shall not say whom lives in my neighborhood everybody talks about him I know which house is his I'd never met him now I'm home from tour and I decide to start my day with a morning walk a casual walk you know I have some coffee let's get the day started I go for a walk I walk past his house he comes outside I don't say anything right but he yells out he goes hey are you the comedian I go yeah he goes where do you think the term motherfucker comes from hello it's nice to meet you I go I don't know he goes you think it's from people doing that I'm like fucking their moms and he goes yeah I go I don't know he goes how many people do you think do that I go more than you want it to be he's like yeah then and I am not making this up I could not make this up he says to me how about daughter fuckers I go first of all that's not an expression anybody uses right no one's like check out this crazy daughter fucker over here I go if you have kinks we can talk about them but not like this I don't like this at all he goes yeah and he just turns around and walks into his house I'm like what the fuck was that so I keep walking just contemplating every mistake I have ever made that led me to that conversation and now I'm walking home so I walk past his house again he comes back outside he goes hey I didn't want to end like that that was weird it was he goes I thought about it and a motherfucker is not somebody who fucks their own mom I go oh do tell he goes a motherfucker is someone who fucks your mom he goes that's the most disrespectful thing anyone can do so if somebody is particularly rude you call them a mother fucker and I go wow I am so impressed that you put that together so quickly I can see why you may or may not be Ted Cruz and then I walk away oops oops oops oops oops oops oops oops I wish my dad was still here, you know? He died a few months ago, and I understand it's part of life. You know, it happens to everybody. And, you know, I just-- I'd never visited somebody sick in the hospital. That was a new experience for me. And it's strange if you've never done it. You get to the hospital, and then somebody that works there goes, "Are you here to see?" And you go, "Yeah." And they go, "Yeah, they're gonna die soon." And you're like, "I thought so, too. That's why I came." And then they go, "You can go in there and watch that now." And you're like, "Thanks." Personally, I feel like watching somebody die that you're not trying to kill is weird, you know? Like, it's different if you have somebody, you know, and you're like... And they go, "I'm dying." You're like, "I know. I want you dead. That's why I'm doing this." That probably feels good. I don't know. I'm assuming it's a euphoric feeling that you chase forever and ever. But ask Garth Brooks. He'll tell you all about it. Come on. Where are the bodies, G? Please. Connect the dots. Now, I will tell you this. I did have a great conversation with my father, and I hope if you're ever in that situation, you get it, too. We had this great talk, and then he just drops this on me. He goes, "You know what I've never told you?" And I was like, "No. What?" And I was really hoping he was gonna say, you know, "There's a treasure buried in the backyard. It's for you." I go, "What have you never told me?" And he goes, "I like a full bush on a lady." And I was like, "What? What?" He goes, "Your mother keeps trimming hers." I go, "Hey, what the fuck, man?" I go, "Why are you telling me this?" And he goes, "Who am I supposed to tell?" I go, "The Lord? You're about to meet him." And that was it. And then he said the N-word, and then he died. He was really stuck. Thank you. He's one of those kids that only laughs at real anger. I don't know if you've ever met one of those peaches, but... See, most two- and three-year-olds, they laugh at manufactured anger, performative anger. You can go up to a kid that age and just go, "Raaar!" And they're like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." And this kid's like, "Mm-mm." "I want to see your blood pressure spike, man." The hardest I've ever seen him laugh, it's not even close. It's when he flushed my car keys down the toilet. It was my fault, I guess. I didn't hang them up. I put them on the coffee table that I also bought. And... I was laying on the couch, you know, it was a long day. I see his little ass come in the room, see the keys, and he's like... And I go, "No, don't." And he picks them up, and he goes, "Chase me." Down the hall. I go, "Okay." I give him a head start, he's three. When I stand up, I see him dip into the bathroom. I'm like, "No." And when I get there, whoosh, and I lose my shit. I don't yell at him, I'm just yelling at my life, you know? I'm like, "Fuck!" "No!" "Fuck!" And when I turn, he's like, "That's what I'm talking about right there!" I think the gayest I ever was was in February. That's when I did my shows in Los Angeles and Brad Pitt came to my show. Look, I do not know what year he was born or how many infants he consumes in a week, but that man is stunning, all right? He came into my dressing room. I couldn't make eye contact, do you understand? Like, I was like, hey, what's up, man? How you doing? He goes, look at me. I was like, no. He goes, come on. I said, shut up. He goes, you want to give me a kiss? I was like, yeah. He goes, do it. I'm like, I got it. I just, what? It wasn't gay. We took a bath later. That was gay. But we talked about sports, so it balanced out, you know? Thank you.
