Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Your Friend, Nate Bargatze' (2024) by Nate Bargatze on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 17/17.

Don't know anything about history and I can tell because every history movie I watch I watch on the edge of my seat What is gonna happen I Watched Pearl Harbor I was as surprised as they were so my dad they go to the doctor him and my mom and the doctor was like do you use afrin and my dad goes no and the doctor was like i can tell that you use it i was just saying that so it goes how long have you used it and my dad said five years which is a lie and my mom is like she's like well tell the truth you know she goes he's used it for 45 years he used afrin 45 years just for reference if you don't know the back of the box suggests no more than three days i mean there's not a medicine on earth that tells you to give it a good 45 year run It's so, I mean, my great-aunt Helen, from the 30s, she's deaf.
They didn't know she was deaf back then. The doctors, they had no idea. They were baffled. That's how good doctors were back then. They just said that they looked at her as they smoked in her face. These were real doctors. They were like, I don't know. She's rude, I'll tell you that. My body's falling apart. My shoulder hurts because I stand on stage like this. It's crazy. This was a huge mistake to get into this.
If I had known that this would be a big problem, I would have probably tried to not make it a habit. My body can't handle this. And I went to the doctor to try to fix it. And they were, I mean, they talked to me like I was an old car. He just goes, I wouldn't put any more money into it, to be honest. we went to like we went to Europe last year and by the way we're on the way we were flying from Nashville to London and we go it was 4:42 p.m.
Nashville time so as a game as a family I said let's guess what time it is in London so I said 12:42 a.m. our daughter said 1:42 a.m. my wife her guess was 11 and that's it yeah she didn't say the 42 and I was like just say the 42 and she goes on you know what I mean I go I know but just show her daughter you know what a normal person would say that started a pretty big fight you My eyes can read good.
It's my brain. My eyes are such good readers. I feel so bad because they're attached to this dumb brain. I mean they're looking at these words and they're like, "You're not getting any of this, man? That's the fifth time we've read that sentence. Let's try another one." Fiction, non-fiction. I don't know which one's the truth. I read every book as the truth is how I handle it. And from what I can tell we have a pretty big wizard problem in this country right now.
I don't read. Yeah, and I think that matters. Reading is the key to smart, I believe. And I don't do it. I think it's caught up to me. I want to do it. I like the idea of reading. I even buy books. But these books are the most words. And it's every book. You just open it, and you're like, what are you talking about? I mean, and they don't let up every page, just more words. How about you put some blank pages in there?
Why don't you let me get my head above water for two seconds? I had a hard time in school there was I got when I barely graduated got into a community college barely got into a college they have to let everybody in I went to community college for one year I have zero credits community college a lot of people don't know is college when they're like you're probably gonna stay in your community so we're just going to show you the ropes around town i went to career day for my daughter's school and i like i get what i do is very fun but i was nervous because i'm there with real people and they're smart and so i was hoping to sit at a table alone they put me at a table with a surgeon which i think they did it on purpose almost to show the kids here's the difference between reading a pizza party is my nightmare I'll have friends over for pizza so I'll be like all right we got to order pizza and she goes how much I go order the most I don't want her out of pizza in front of my friends and she goes just call and ask them I go I can't call these 40 year old dudes and just be like how much pizza do you think you're gonna eat tonight they have a real they have a family he worked they work in a building right now and you may just call them big big lunch today now I'll try to save money so I need to know exactly how much pizza you're going to eat in eight hours our dog sleeps in our bed and someone told me you're not supposed to do that because you lose dominance over the dog and I you know I asked him I said what year do you think it is these are all doodles they're barely dogs it's a person they're people this guy acts like it's 1980 when you kept a dog outside all year those you needed dominance over you had a wolf in the backyard friends come over you want to go outside I wouldn't she has to get me out of stuff all the time she like if I buy something and it doesn't fit I'll never take it back I'm embarrassed I'm pretty sure it's gonna be the exact same people and they remember me and right when I walk in they're like we knew you couldn't handle that shirt she takes back groceries to the grocery store yeah food I honestly I don't think it's allowed I honest I think she's bullying these 15 year old children they don't know what to do I mean their mom walks in being like your bananas got weird too quick and they're like what you picked them out they're not mine what are you talking about I'm gonna change them I'm gonna go change them out yeah that lady is stealing bananas she's the cheaper one of us as well not in a bad way you know she likes the lights being off turn lights off you know save money turned up get the lights a little lights off it's a fun time being in that environment turn light on find your seat get a stick knock the light back off sit in the dark and be sad just be you're sad all day but you're saving nickels upon nickels right when I get in bed you turn that light off I can't tell that's on we'll get out of bed turn it off 80 years we'll give our daughter to $37 from all the nickels we saved.
I do do my own laundry thanks thank you I think that's what it deserves my mom my mom did my dad's laundry growing up so I thought all wives do husband's laundry and I've always done my own and to be honest I felt had been forgotten about over these past 17 years the sacrifice I was making that other husbands didn't have to make one day I was like driving home and it popped in my head and I was like all right I'll bring that up I don't know how long to microwave something, I have to ask her every time, as if her family invented the microwave, how long do we microwave this for?
And she's like, do it till it's hot. It's like, but I know you know a number, you know, just just say the number, I don't I'm either going to call my mom or you're going to tell me the number. If she doesn't tell me, I type in 90 minutes and I walk away. Bye. so back when I did it it was in Wilson County Mount Juliet Tennessee and so back when I did it I would have to park the truck and like get out of the neighborhood like get to run through a neighborhood and type in how much water every house uses so it's 2001 obviously 9/11 happens if you're old enough you remember when 9/11 happened the whole country got very scared there's gonna be more attacks well we did as well in Wilson County we figured they just went to New York obvious next stop Mount Juliet Tennessee and they're gonna poison our town's water so my I love look I love doing stand-up comedy I love it and the job I had the last serious job the job I will go back to when all this falls apart I was a water meter reader thank you this job was the title was the description of what you do people would ask I'm a water meter reader yeah what's that let me tell you what it is all right we're gonna read water meters that's the it's 100% of the job