Comedy is, I've been doing it for 15 years now, and it's getting tough. It is. People are very sensitive now. I don't know if you've noticed. You can't say shit anymore. You can't. I was at a show recently. I said the word slut as a joke. This young woman stood up. She's like, you can't say that. I'm like, really? Because of politically correct bullshit? And she was like, no, because of your lisp. You can't say the word slut. Fucking woke shit is out of control. I like having a lisp. Lists are fun. Because a lisp is in the word lisp. Have fun. It's really one of the few conditions where when you say you have it, you prove you have it. You know what I mean? Like when you say you have diarrhea, you don't shit your pants immediately. You're like, I have diarrhea? Fuck, why'd I say the word? No, I got shit in my pants. I was on a date once. This is totally true. Everything else I'm going to say tonight is a lie. I was on a date with this girl Jessica and I was talking to her with my lisp. And I swear to God, she goes, what's that accent? She said that. She's like, where are you from? I was like, I am from the Looney Tunes. Do you recognize it? Not many people know that accent. I'm very impressed. I used to watch the Looney Tunes as a little kid and I thought I'd talk normally because of it. I swear to God. And then I went to school and I'm like, why does everyone sound like a fucking freak? Started bullying kids. I'm like, you're supposed to spit when you say the letter S, you weirdo. Fucking loser. People can be mean about the lisp, though. I recently posted a video on YouTube. This is true. Someone commented, say it, don't spray it fatty. Which is hurtful. But I didn't get mad. I'm very zen now. He commented that on YouTube. I just took a breath, calmed down, and flagged him for child pornography. Because that is one of the options on YouTube. Do you know that? You can flag anyone for child pornography. Why would you pick anything else? Why? I flag everyone who's mean to me with child pornography. It's awesome. You're like, you got a big head, bro. I'm like, oh yeah? Well, the FBI's about to raid you, bitch. How do you feel about that? You hurt my feelings. You go to jail, motherfucker. I hate mean YouTube comments. I have no self-esteem anymore. And I think there should be a rule. What do you think about this? There should be a rule where if you leave a mean YouTube comment, you should have to include, at the end of the comment, the sad thing in your life making you such a miserable piece of shit. That's a good rule. Because then my feelings wouldn't be hurt if they were just like, fuck you. You're not funny. My stepdad molested me. I'm like, all right, I'm funny. He just got issues, you know? Look at you, you fat, lispy, Jewish comic. I'm 12. I'm not sad. I'm just pushing moral boundaries. And I'll flag him for child pornography too. I don't give a shit. I take no prisoners. Everyone's very angry now. That's the country. Everyone's very angry. And everyone's in their own little political bubble. And no one questions their beliefs anymore. Which I don't get. Like, I'm a liberal, but I'm not happy about it. It's hard work being a liberal. I think one of the hardest parts about being a liberal is knowing if that, like, a crazy person stabbed me on the street. I'd have to be like, well, you had a hard life. The stab wound hurts, but it doesn't come close to the economic disadvantages you've had to undergo in your life. I'm bleeding out, but it's all white privilege. It's fine. Just throw me to the curb. I'm happy to give back to the community. You have mixed feelings as a liberal. You do. Like, I got mugged two years ago in New York, right? And I was so relieved the guy was white. You have no idea. The cops were like, what did he look like? I was all smug. I was like, um, he was white. I bet you didn't expect that. You racist piece of shit. I bet your head's gonna explode now upon finding out the criminal was white. You racist fuck. And then I got mugged again a year later, and the cops were like, what did he look like? And I was like, it's not important. How can you ask me that? I don't see color. It's tough being a liberal. It's tough knowing that if society collapsed, conservatives are just better prepared in that situation. Doesn't mean they're right, but they are better prepared. Like, if there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm switching sides immediately. And so would you, which side do you want to be on when the fucking zombies come? Do you really want to be with a group that includes everyone? No, you want to be with a group that loves guns and hates outsiders. That's the group. That's the group. Look at them clapping for racism. That's the group. We all know liberals would not survive a zombie apocalypse. They wouldn't. The zombies would come, and liberals would be like, we should just let them in, right? They're a marginalized group. We should just let the zombies, I'm sorry, I mean the alive, impaired. I'm sorry, I'm not creating a safe space for the zombies. I apologize. They eat people, but we eat cow. Every culture's different. You can't judge. You can't. I hate the extreme left and the extreme right. They can both suck my circumcised dick, honestly. They both suck. Here's how you know they both suck. Take both their views on gun control and imagine them trying to solve another problem in society using that fucked up logic. For instance, shark attacks. The extreme right would be like, the only way we can stop all these shark attacks is by placing more sharks in the ocean. That's the only way. The only thing that can stop a bad shark is a good shark. There is no connection between sharks and shark attacks. I know if I say it out loud, it seems like there is, but there isn't. Trust me. We gotta dump more sharks in the water. And the extreme left would be like, that's ridiculous, okay? Clearly, what we have to do is defund the Coast Guard. That's the only way. All lifeguards are bastards. Every single one. Seriously. Whether you're liberal or conservative, I think we can all come together and agree on what we have in common, you know, instead of what divides us. For instance, liberals or conservatives, we're all selfish pieces of shit. We are, it's a selfish country. Here's how you know it's a selfish country, all right? When you break the law in America, oftentimes the sentencing is a thing called community service. You know it's a selfish nation when the punishment for crimes here is being a good person. That's the punishment. That's the deterrent. We're like, you better not shoplift, because if you do, you're going to have no choice but to help other people. Do you want that? And everyone's like, no, just give me the jail time. Seriously? Just give me the jail time. But there's still courage. It's not all cowardice. I was at a hotel recently in San Francisco and I saw a very brave sign outside the hotel. The sign said, at this hotel, we welcome all races and religions. And I was like, man, that takes a lot of balls. Seriously, to follow a law that everyone is already following over their water fountain, it said even black people can drink from this water fountain. I'm like, this is a pioneering hotel. This hotel does not fuck around. It's just when you say something obvious like that, I feel like it makes everyone uncomfortable. That's my problem. Like I'm Jewish, right? If I was at a country club and they're like, hey, by the way, all Jews are welcome here. I'd be like, well, now I don't feel welcome. Because when you say something obvious, what happens is it makes you feel like the exact opposite has taken place. That's the effect. And I'll give you another example to prove that. Let's say you're at like Red Lobster, right? And imagine the waiter comes up and he's like, hey, by the way, just to let you know, no one here jerked off in the clam chowder. You'll be like, excuse me? No, I'm just letting you know, no one in the last hour took out their penis and masturbated in the clam chowder. That is what didn't happen. I'm just letting you know no one did. It says it on the sign, but I just wanted to let you know no one jacked off in the clam. You'll be like, I didn't think anyone jacked off in the clam chowder until you said that. And now someone definitely jacked off. That is 100% what happened. Someone definitely jacked off, most likely you, in the clam chowder. I am searching for three things now. Dash taxes and that there's coming this soup I just hate. But I don't want to be one of these guys like angry about signs. A lot of people are angry about signs now, you know? Like a lot of people now think if you let transgender women into women's bathrooms, it'll be like a loophole for predators, you know? And you're allowed to think that. But I will say, if you do think that, that does mean you believe there are guys out there going, man, I'd really love to go into a woman's bathroom and abduct and murder someone. But unfortunately, I'm just not allowed in there. So I guess I'm just not going to murder anyone. I want to murder. It's in my soul to murder. I'm a serial killer, but it says no boys allowed. How can I get around that? There's no way. I mean, I'll murder someone, but I'm not about to break bathroom sign rules. I'm not a monster. It's like that time I was chasing a woman in the park with a knife and I almost got her and then she got into the bathroom. I'm like, fuck! God damn it! You're safe for now! I'm going to stand out here and wait for a bill to get passed! That's why I don't like Joe Rogan. He's transphobic. I hate Joe Rogan. And I know a lot of you look like dedicated listeners up front, but I hate Joe Rogan. I think it's a danger to society. I do. I really do. He's always spreading misinformation. I hate him. The only way I would even remotely consider being on his podcast is if he asks me. Other than that, it ain't fucking happening. I'm sorry. For me to abandon my morals, either him or someone on his staff would have to respond to my many emails begging to get on. Otherwise, he can go, fuck himself. But everyone gets offended now. A lot of people get offended, but it's always a double standard. Like, for instance, a lot of young, woke people like to get offended by cultural appropriation, which I get. It's very hurtful, but I notice no young, woke people ever get offended by what I consider one of the worst forms of cultural appropriation, which is hot people using body positivity. Now, there's some hot people in here, and this is a fucking intervention. Listen to me carefully, okay? Body positivity is not for you. It's to uplift people like me with shitty bodies. It's not to make you feel better about your already hot body. That's insane. But all of Instagram now is just hot people being proud of their bodies, which isn't brave. You're fucking hot. It's brave if I'm proud of my body. And I know that because I recently posted a video of me going down a water slide without a shirt, and 12 people messaged me to say I was being very brave. but it's insane. Every single picture on Instagram, every single one is like the hottest woman ever on a beach, just incredible body, couldn't be hotter, and then some bullshit caption like, I am no longer ashamed of this mole on my knee. hashtag body positivity, and all the comments are like, you're a hero. You're so brave. Move over, Rosa Parks, seriously. Not since the D-Day invasion have I seen such courage as you've shown this mole on an otherwise perfect hot body. Not since the 9-11 first responders bravely entered those towers have I seen such unmitigated heroism as you've shown this mole that you need a fucking microscope to see. in a picture where the focus is clearly on your tits. Oscar Schindler could have saved twice as many Jews and would not come close to the level of valor you've displayed by showing this mole that's not even in the picture. A picture that you know everyone is jacking off to right now
