Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Hannibal Takes Edinburgh' (2016) by Hannibal Buress on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 1/1.

Welcome to Comedy at the Knitting Factory. Going to Scotland for a month. I'll eat tomorrow. Hey, don't boo. I gotta go work, y'all. What the fuck am I gonna get my hair cut in Scotland? I'm gonna be scruffy as fuck by day 30. That's the black man plight in white countries. Where you gonna get your hair cut. And some white people don't understand it. They're like, "Oh, it's hair as a hair!" No, it's not.
It's a whole month. That's the longest time I ever spend anywhere. 'Cause I'm never here in my place in Brooklyn. My place in Brooklyn, here, this shit look like squalor. 'Cause I'm never here, it just looks like straight up squalor. You're like, "Yo, does a meth head stay here?" Oh, it's Hannibal's place. Why is he living like this? Look at this. This place is a shithole, yo. As far as New York comedians go, I'm probably top five in underwear.
What's that? One, two, three, four, five. Bam. Fucking ballin', yo. So many goddamn boxes, man. I shit myself so much. Flour like it's nothing. Whoa. Europeans don't fuck with this size of towel. Like, you go to a place, they don't have this. This is not part of their life in the bathroom. Why don't you have washcloths? The fuck are you washing your face with? Hey, Europe, get a fucking towel like this.
We're heading over to the Edinburgh Friends Festival. I'm going over there 'cause you get better as a comedian when performing every day for a month. So it's gonna be a lot of performing and a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. What the fuck is a toilet? And a shower in different rooms. Do I have to take a walk to wash my hands after I take a shit? What the fuck type of person is this? I think this place is owned by a midget that likes to inconvenience himself. I'm a jizz on everything. 99.93, five star show. All right. He knew that I was in the flyer tank at Brisbane.
He takes flyers, huh? Fringe is one of the world's largest arts festivals. There are a huge number of shows. The main program this year probably has about 900 shows in it. The Fringe differs from other festivals just in one fundamental aspect, which is sheer scale. It's very, very difficult for anybody who's not been to Edinburgh to understand just quite how big it is. The city of half a million doubles in population and the excitement and exuberance of the Fringe spills out onto the streets.
It's a boot camp where it's a chance for you to kind of hone your skills as a performance because you get to do 26 shows in a row of the same show. It's exactly the same number of miles as in a marathon. You've got to pace yourself. It's not just about survival, it's about how not to go mental in the process, which unfortunately a lot of people do seem to go a bit nutty during the course of the festival.
It's an experience. It smells. This place smells like zebra fuss. What do you think? Would you appreciate my comedy at this value? Can I make that one soon? No, I'm going to dip back into that weird corner. Let's blast the music out. All right, the house is open for Hannibal Moretz. You can have your ticket ready to show me. Thank you. Enjoy the show. Cheers, thanks. Thank you. Hey, hey, what's happening?
This is nice. Hey, what's happening? Thank you all for coming to the show. It's a lot of shows in this festival, so I appreciate that y'all came to mind. I got, I got flyered a bunch today. I got handed a bunch of flyers. I got, I got flyered a bunch today. I got handed a bunch of flyers. Thank you all for coming to the show. It's a lot of shows in this festival. So I appreciate that y'all came to mind.
I got, I got flyered a bunch today. I got handed a bunch of flyers. Cause it's cause I had a flyer in my hand already. And so they sense weakness. I had a dark moment in my travels recently. Had to take a shit on the plane. It never happened to me. 16 years of flying. Never shot on the plane. I went through so many emotions. First was anger. Damn it, I got a shit on the plane. Then it was denial. I'm not shitting on this plane.
Then it was sadness. I had shit on the plane. Then it was acceptance. I guess I got a shit on this plane. Then it was happiness. You aren't shitting in the sky. Went through a lot that morning. Airport security, they get weirder and weirder, man. When I fly out of New York, I hand them my ID and my board pass. They say, "What's your name? Where you going?" Come on, dude. Y'all can do better than that.
Sometimes I say a fake name just to see what they'll do. I hand them my ID and say, "What's your name?" I said, "Michael." He said, "Nope." I said, "Hannibal." He said, "Enjoy your trip." America's all about second chances. This is goofy, man. Now the thing is, you don't have to take your shoes off in security if you're 12 years old and under. Because I guess 13, that's when you hit your shoe bombing face.
And I didn't see it in accident until I was behind this kid. And the security said, "How old are you?" The kid said, "12." And he said, "Oh, you don't have to take your shoes off. But next year, you're going to be real skeptical." It's terrible change, yo. I'm not really scared of death. I hope I'll just be able to play video games when I'm old. That's what I think about. Like, okay, I like video games now.
But would they have an arthritic video game controller if your knuckle's all weird? I guess they have the Wii where you can do that. But I don't really like the Wii games. And there's not that much strategy involved. I got into a car accident on my 29th birthday. It sucked mostly because I was in a car with three strange women. And I think I had a good shot at the girl that was in the backseat with me.
But once the car accident happened, it threw my whole momentum off. Because it's hard to get your game back on once you're in the ER for 12 hours. You can't pop out. So where were we? What did you say your dreams were? I didn't even see the accident happening. I didn't even get to have that moment in a car accident where you... Whoa! I didn't even get... Ah, no! What are you doing? I didn't even get that moment.
I just woke up hurt in the ambulance. I get to the ER. I'm laid out bloody. Hadn't been treated yet. I was out there doing shows with another comic, Aziz Ansari. Very famous in the States. He came in and checked on me. A male nurse sees him. Holy shit! Is that Aziz? Oh, man! I'm a huge fan! Parks and Recreation. 40 for 30 minutes. Oh, slide Aziz. Oh, man! He wasn't all of those things. But look, I'm starring in a reality show called "Man Bleeding Out of His Head" right now.
So I need you to kindly turn down your fandom and be a medical professional because I'm fading in and out. And I was cursing a lot. I was upset. I was snapping out of my bed. Fuck this shit! This shit sucks! I'm in South Carolina. My fucking head split open. I was in a real state right now. Why can't I be in a real fucking state right now? Sir! There are other families in here! Oh, so my cursing is ruining their emergency room experience?
Because it's usually such a pleasant place. How was the ER for you, man? Well, the staff was very attentive to my dad's gunshot wounds. The facilities were top-notch. But what ruined it was the guy in the next bed that kept saying, "Motherfucker." So now I got this scar right here, and I don't really like it. But some people say, "Well, scars are cool." No, scars are cool when you got a cool story.
My story sucked. Hannibal, how'd you get that scar? Man, I was drunk trying to fuck this fat girl in South Carolina. I'm glad I didn't die. How'd Hannibal die? Hanging out with some girl. Let me see a picture of the girl. Ooh, tough way to go out. Rest in peace, Hannibal. One time I saw this two-year-old in a stroller. He was, buddy, he was sitting in it like this and shit. And I was like, "Who is this classy-ass kid?
Who is that?" He held his sippy cup underhand like it was cognac or some shit. And with the towel on the mic, I look like the germaphobe comedian. Check him out. He's a germaphobe comedian. Come see him at the Fringe. Man, people are so disgusting. Oh, man. You ever see somebody dig in their nose and then they try to shake your hand? Fuck that. Fuck that. No germs. That's the germaphobe comedian's catch phrase.
Fuck that. No germs. You ever have somebody try to take a sip from your water? Ugh. Fuck that. No germs. Maybe that'd be my new gimmick, yeah? Be able to describe me easier and shit. You know that comedian? He has a towel around the mic stand. Mike, for no reason. You ever... Oh, yeah. Yeah. The germaphobe comedian. Fuck that. No germs. Yeah. Fuck that. No germs. That was him. Oh, dude. This is the weirdest thing I've seen on the internet.
Sneeze fetish, yo. On an episode of the Eric Andre show. There's this game where they're throwing coffee on Eric Andre. And so I sneeze because of it. And then, so there's some website that says comedian Hannibal Burris. He sneezes around 40 seconds. The sniffles around 45 seconds. There's a sneeze fetish website in the world. That's weird as fuck, yo. It's not the type of sex symbol I'm trying to be.
It is around 10:30 in the morning. It is quite early to try to do stand-up comedy. And I got another show after this. It's at 11:45. So, before one o'clock, I would have done two shows today. Welcome, please, Mr Hannibal Burris. Can I ask, the research notice said that you actually have a flat in Edinburgh. An apartment here. Is that right? Did you purchase one when you were over? No, why would I do that?
Nah, but the flat I'm renting is very awful. The one that I have for this month. That lady, I don't know how she lives like that. The toilet is in a separate room from the sink and shower. I don't understand that at all. And it upsets me. So, I just pee in the sink. When I first got to somebody who was knocking on my door at 9:00 in the morning, And I'm thinking, who's knocking on my door? I don't know anybody here.
Who is this? And I say, "Who is it?" And the guy says, "Scottish Power!" All right, good for you, man. Early morning patriotism is a great thing. I'm not from this place, but I'm happy for you. Uh, going to the assembly rooms. What are these? Yeah, like the Bosco tent and that stuff. You want to drop something over here? It's closed all the same. They have to go up to the assembly rooms. You sure this is there?
Basically, from there, it's closed. What are you doing along George Street, aye? No, I'm just trying to make sure this isn't right. Because there's two assembly rooms. That's all I'm saying. Fuck. I told him the wrong thing. He brought me to the right ship. Yeah, I don't know who we are at all, dude. We got to get in another taxi. You did. Yeah. I'm lost. I got to get to the, uh, Hannibal. I got to get to, uh, we got lost.
Wait, let's have a high five. Let's have a high five. Let's have a high five. All right. Do y'all know where you had a balloon and, uh... The what? Where's that? Oh, please tell me