Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Footprints on the Moon' (2017) by Chad Daniels on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 16/16.

After he got kicked out of school, a couple of my friends called and they go, so are you checking his room for drugs? And the answer is, no, I'm not. I went in his room one time and I'm not doing that again. Have you ever stubbed your toe on a sock? I can see some women's faces and they look horrified right now. Listen, I don't care. 16-year-old boys jerk off into socks. That's a real thing. You know what?
I'm going to dogpile it. Guess what else? Grown men jerk off into socks. That's also a real thing. If you don't believe it, it's crazy that people don't know that. Like your man is in the bathroom and you're like, what are you doing in there? I'm doing my hair. He comes out in a hat. You didn't figure that out? He comes out wearing a hat and one sock and you did not figure out what was going on. You could, I'm telling you, I know women are like, you guys don't emancipate that much, right?
You could stand up right now and do this and you will touch a guy that jerked off today. That's a fact. Only guy at the table is like, yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. And you know what's great? You're bald, so they can just come rub your head and be like, yeah, I can tell. Still warm. Like a campfire. Still warm. I'm pretty sure they weren't socks right away. I think they were little boy jerk-off tubes.
And then one day a dad was like, my feet are cold. Go get me two of those. And that's how they became socks. You ever seen an old man wearing penny loafers with no socks? Jerked off twice that day. No, I don't actually think that's real, but I for sure just ruin church for you next time you go. You're going to walk in and be like, dude, already? It's 10 in the morning. What's wrong with you? I have a son, and he is 16 years old, and he is currently a pile of shit.
Now, I want you to know I say that very lovingly. I think all men at one time or another were piles of shit, and I think it's normally from around 14 to question mark. Some guys never quite leave, right? The last six months, he has tested me. I am going to be upfront and honest with you guys about that. He has tested me, and if my friends would have pulled half the shit this kid pulled, we would not be friends anymore.
However, he is my son, and for some reason, my love meter has not even went down one peg. I don't get it. I don't like it. It makes me feel weak that I cannot stop loving him even a little. I feel like if he was stabbing me, I'd be like, you're going to be a good man someday. Sorry, I have to leave you, but hang in there. He's 16. That's a tough age for a boy, because he thinks he's a man, and he isn't.
But he acts like one. He'll puff his chest out. He'll be like, what are you going to do about it? Well, I'm your dad. I'll fucking kill you. I'll just kill you to death. You have to be specific when you're talking to young boys about killing, because they say it all the time, and they don't mean it. So I was like, just so you know, I'm going to kill you in a way where, you know, when you sleep but don't dream, it's like that but forever.
And he goes, you're not going to kill me. And I said, you know what, you're right. He called me. And he should have. He called me out. I am for sure, though, going to punch him in the face one time. July 19, 2017, when he comes downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to knock a tooth out of his mouth. What'd you make me? Whack! What was that? Misdemeanor this morning. You're 18 now. Ha ha! That was a felony until midnight, but you slept right through that shit.
Bad move, fly boy. I have a construction paper chain at my house with as many links as days till his 18th birthday. And any time he's like, I don't want to help with the lawn, I just rip one off and I shake it at him. I go, ah, it's getting smaller, isn't it, bitch? You see that last one, that one made of gold? Yeah, that's when you're getting punched in the face. my son uh he swore at me at me for the first time which is a little weird because he's sworn around me before uh but never at me when he was 10 he crashed his bike and he just looked at me and he goes a i don't know if you've ever seen a little kid use that kind of an adult swear word but it is precious it is you can't even get mad you're like oh that's so cute because i just made i go hey i need you to swearing is fine but i need you to come up with three other ways to say that without swearing and he just looked at me and he goes it hurt it sucked i want to break my bike and i was like all right a away but swearing at me is a different ball game i made him dinner one night he goes i'm not eating this this sucks and i go yep you are eating it he goes no i'm not and i go you can eat it now or you can eat it for breakfast or i can pack that in your lunch for tomorrow but that is your next meal and then he started breathing heavier so i knew he was mad and nervous and he looked at me and he porky pigged a little bit he goes that's this is that's like have a little trouble getting that one out did you think you're a man you want to step outside and see if you're a man and he goes yeah and he walks away from the dinner table never breaking eye contact goes to the front door puts on his velcro shoes nothing quite says i'm a man like and he goes are you coming i said no i'm not i'm going to eat my food because it's warm and he said i thought you're going to beat the hell out of me in the front yard wow i never said that what i said was do you think you're a man you want to step outside and see if you're a man what i meant was you're going to camp in our yard for one week and eat only the animals you kill that way when your bb gun jams up on the second day you can come in here and eat the rest of this bullshit because it will be waiting for you i hope that's i hope this i hope that's okay i'm not going to beat the hell out of my son in my front yard right that is illegal i will invite him into my home i'll let him fall asleep i'll choke him to death when the cops are like what happened to your kid sids man i don't know i guess once it's in there it doesn't leave till it gets yet i did not know that either that's not a great way to find out the i stands for infant and he made it till he was 16.
that kid is a fighter i'm sorry that kid was a fighter still pretty fresh working on the tenses My son, he had a Christmas choir concert last year, and I love it because he was 15 at the time, and 15-year-old boys think they are king shit of fuck mountain. And these three old little ladies make them do things at the Christmas choir concert. They're just up there, right, going, ba-da-boo-bee, ba-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-ba.
And I just sit in the front row, and I go, just stare at them the whole time, creepily. I was excited to go to this thing, so we went. My daughter was here, and I was here, and then not right behind me, but one seat to the right and behind me was a little boy. He was like 11 or 12, and he was leaning forward, and his face was right by my ear, and the whole concert he was going, ba-da-da-da-da, the entire concert.
And I want you to know that does not bother me because I know kids get bored. I understand boredom. I was a kid once. My mom used to make me go to church every single Sunday. Every. It's too much. Because that's only one book all those stories are coming from. There's bound to be some overlap. Church is the worst to be continued of all time. The pastor should have to come out and just be like, last week on church.
Because it's half the same shit. Like, yeah, we know the story. We don't need it from the dove's perspective. So I'd get bored at church a lot, and sometimes my cousin would come with me, and when he would come, sometimes I would get a boner on purpose. And then I'd be like, hey man, did I spill on my leg? And he'd look down, and I'd flex my boner. Pa-pa-pa! Pa-pa-pa! Pa-pa-pa! And he'd be like, is that a fucking boner?
I'm like, well, it's a church boner, so you might want to watch your language. So I'm glad this kid that's bored picked, instead of getting a boner, because he's right behind me. I'm glad he picked the noise. The only problem I have with him going the entire time, which, by the way, was so impressive. He was doing it for so long without breathing, some of the other parents were turning around, and I go, I know, shit, call someone.
That is impressive. Twelve minutes without a breath. He must be going in through the nose, out through the mouth, or something with this air. The only problem I had with it is that I wanted to hear one song during this Christmas Square concert, because three weeks leading up to it, my son would come home from swim practice, and in my ear, he would go, bing-dong-a-ding, fling-flung-a-fling, ching-tong-a-ching.
Yep, for three straight weeks. So I said, first of all, those are not the right words, and then secondly, are you going to be singing that with other people? Because if that's a solo, your sister and I are not coming. I don't want the other parents to look at me like, you should have helped them. That is a hopeless feeling, and I don't like it. So he assured me it was not a solo, so we went, and this kid's behind me, right, the whole time.
And through that, I hear, and I go, all right, this is it. So I turn to the kid, and I go, hey man, I need you to cool it for one song. Thank you. And his mom goes, excuse me? And I go, no, no, not you. You're doing great. You're so quiet, I didn't even know you were behind me. I'm being honest. I need your son to not make that noise for one song, because my son's singing, and I want to hear it. And she goes, he's on the spectrum.
I didn't know what that was. I thought she had just admitted her son was tripping balls on acid and sliding down a rainbow. And the reason I thought that was, if I was doing acid and sliding down a rainbow, the noise I would pick is just Roy G. Bivvin' the shit out of that thing back and forth. Where are you headed? Pot of gold, motherfucker! But then the logical part of my brain said, hey, no, that's not right.
Her mom did not just admit she let her kid do acid before a Christmas choir concert. You need to dial it in and figure out what's going on. So I turned around and I said, what do you mean spectrum? And she said, he has Asperger's. And I go, oh, I know what that is. I have friends that have Asperger's. And they just don't like to be in public. And you brought them, so tell them to shut the fuck up.
This is an interesting part in the show. Because you can hear people picking sides right now. You can't hear like, I am not listening to one more goddamn word of this story. And there are some people like, oh, I can't wait. Yes! Before you pick your team, I want to be very clear about something. I do not have any problem with this kid at all. I don't. I have every single problem with the mom giving him an excuse to be an asshole for two straight hours without even suggesting he be quiet.
I mean, she was like petting him. Oh, I have Asperger's. Shut up already. It's not, there's no way she has a note in her purse from a doctor that says he gets to go for two hours. There's no way because how do you spell burn? No one knows. Google can't even help you because you type it in. Do you mean this? No, I don't. I don't know what I mean. And she's acting like Asperger's just became a thing.
Like somebody fucked a monkey in the 80s and kids got weird. That's not what I, that's AIDS. That's a whole other thing. Kids have been weird forever and we want them to be weird. They say Bill Gates has Asperger's. Well, then it must be detrimental to your life because Billion with a B, oh, how does he wake up in the morning? I bet his parents made him play Little League and he was out in right field looking at all the ones and the zeros on the scoreboard and he thought, oh my God, if I put that into a computer, I'm going to be rich.
We have to have people with different brains and different brain structures. That's how it works. That's what makes life 