Let me try a little news for you. Let's take a look at the news tonight, see what's going on. Ladies and gentlemen, here is some of the news. The U.S. Army announced today that it was true that during the first part of the 1960s they had performed LSD tests on human beings, which destroyed their minds. However, they have claimed that none of the victims has been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel. A man who was attempting to walk around the world drowned today. Twenty-six people were killed today when two funeral processions crashed into one another. Police say the casualty list does not include the two men who were already dead. Another first for county hospital as a woman has checked in to have her tits reversed. When asked why she was having it done, she said that her left tit was her favorite and she wants it on her right side where her left-handed husband can reach it easily. The ASPCA announced today that they have filed a criminal complaint against a man who is keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man says it is true, but that he never turns the blender above mix. The ASPCA claims he's had it up to whip and puree several times. A passenger shot six people on the downtown bus today, then asked for a transfer and shot six people on the crosstown bus. In order to prevent this happening in the future, authorities are discontinuing the transfer system. Here are the results of the Blind Persons Golf Tournament. They've just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes. Just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. A 65-year-old woman who was trotting backwards from Winnipeg to Rio was killed today when she was hit by a truck head-on from the rear. A small town in Tennessee, just downwind from a nuclear plant, believes it may have received some radiation. Everyone is dead, and the trees are humming. Although the Internal Revenue Service has begun to crack down on businessmen for the three-martini lunch, they will not bother the working man and the two-joint coffee break. A man who was attempting to circle the world in a hot-air balloon died today when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance. A spokesman for the Reagan administration has said that many dead people are really only sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits. On the lighter side of the news, a couple who was celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary died of shock today at the beginning of a surprise party. Well, to kind of wind up the news tonight, and there's so often so much death and tragedy, a man in Texas was arrested today for shooting and killing his wife, son, two daughters, his mother and father, all four of his grandparents, his dog, his mailman, three neighbors, and a woman who works at the filling station. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off. Well, that's my job, thinking up goofy shit. Thinking up goofy shit, coming around every now and then, letting you know what it is. Or reminding you of things you already know, but forgot to laugh at the first time they happened. We all have things like that. You hear it during the day and then you don't remember it at all. For instance, I've noticed they have disposable douche, and I'm wondering, who would want to keep it in the first place? I had an interesting morning. Got into an argument. Got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard, snap, crackle, fuck him. I don't know which one of them said it. I was reaching for the artificial sweetener and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, well, you can all just sit right there in the milk. As far as I'm concerned, you can sit in the milk. Until I find out which one of you said that. Little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. Just sit in the milk. Far as far as I'm concerned, silly me, big punishment. That's what they do anyway. Sit in the milk. That's their job. That's Rice Krispies' job, sitting in the milk. You've seen them, haven't you? Floating along, little beige blisters of air. Riding proudly in the milk. And you can't sink them. They float for a long time. You know why? They stay together. They gather together in little groups. Little groups of 8, 10, 12, sometimes 14. But always an even number, if you've noticed. It's the polarity of the crispy that attracts them. They form little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can't sink them. You try to sink them with a spoon, they come up over the sides. You can't sink them. That's what the fruit is for. Sinking the Rice Krispies. Good-sized peach will take down 80 or 90 of them. If I'm really pissed, I'll drop a watermelon on them. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening. My name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian, as opposed to the kind you run into at work all day long. It's nice being a comedian. There are certain advantages, naturally. And a few disadvantages. There are some drawbacks to being a comedian. No one on death row has ever said, Before I die, I want to talk to a comedian. You ever hear anyone at the scene of an accident say, Quick call a comedian, for God's sakes! But it would be kind of fun at an accident to push your way through the crowd and say, May I be of help? I'm a professional comedian. And sooner or later, at least once in your life, when the policeman says to you, What are you, a comedian? You've got to look him right in the eye and say, actually, yes! Even though criminals have no respect for comedians, what do they say first thing they do when they hold you up? Don't try anything funny. First one makes a funny move, gets it. Whenever they're not looking, I go. I've been looking through the refrigerator and come across an empty plate. Well that starts me to wondering, did something eat something else? "Maybe the olives ate the peas, maybe that chicken isn't really dead, he's grazing on my stuff. Actually I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, you know, just, just, just waiting for the lights to go out so he can get back to earth." I guess the worst thing that can happen cleaning out or looking through the refrigerator is to come across something that you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know what it is! "Could be meat, could be cake, usually at a time like that I'll bluff. Honey, is this good?" "Well what is it?" "I don't know, I've never seen anything like it. It looks like meat cake!" "Well smell it!" "Actually it has no smell whatsoever." "Actually it has no smell whatsoever." "It's good!" "Put it back!" "Put it back!" "Somebody is saving it! It will turn up in something!" "That's what frightens me!" "That was what they called a fussy eater!" "He's fussy! He's a fussy eater!" "Fussy eater!" "Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass!" I mean if I didn't like something, I told them. I didn't play with my food, pick at my food, and I said, "I don't like that! You make this? I don't like it!" "Why?" They wanted reasons. "Well, you don't always have a reason. I don't know. I know I don't like it. And I know that if I ate it, I would like it even less. You like it? You eat it!" Then they would try to corner me with logic. "How do you know you don't like it? If you've never even tried it?" "It came to me in a dream." "He came in the ass." "Some things I didn't like just because of the sound of the food. To this day, I can still not eat... yogurt." "Yoghurt." "Yoghurt." "It sounds like it's coming up again." "Yoghurt, yogurt." "I can't eat anything with a Y and a G in it." "Something else that doesn't sound so good, squash." "You want some squash?" "Shit, no!" "Sounds like somebody sat on my dinner." "Suck-a-tash?" "You want some suck-a-tash?" "What'd you call me, you fuck?" "Look out, look out, look out, look out, look out." "Hey, come on, hey, hey, fucking cool out." "Hey, it's fucking lima beans and corn." "Cool out, cool out." "Weed-jurned." "No, get it off my plate!" "Even something like eggplant." "Well, which one is it anyway?" "Tell it to make up its mind and then come on back." "Terrible-sounding food." "Head cheese." "I can't even look at the sign." "I'll be down near the bologna, you look at it." "Between head cheese and blood tongue, I may never eat again." "Certainly won't be at the deli." "Then there are some foods that sound too humorous to eat." "Do you ever hear of something too funny to eat?" "Guacamole." "It sounds like something you wear to a dance." "May I borrow your green guacamole?" "Garbanzo." "Hey, you want some garbanzos?" "That sounds like a circus act." "Ladies and gentlemen, the garbanzos." "And the funniest food of all time, kumquats." "I don't even bring them home anymore." "Let's face it, be honest, some things don't look right." "Of course, some people eat anything." "I know that, some guys eat anything." "I saw those guys in the army on the chow line." "What's this? Never mind, give me a whole lot of..." "That's rat's asshole, Don." "Well, it certainly makes a hell of a fondue." "Don't look, I don't eat anything I don't recognize immediately." "If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I pass." "Tomatoes don't look right either." "On the outside, they're fine." "Tomatoes look lovely on the outside." "But you look inside a tomato and something is wrong." "Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato." "It doesn't look right, you know?" "It doesn't look like it's finished yet, for one thing." "It looks like it's in the larval stage or something." "There's thousands of seeds and a whole bunch of jelly-looking stuff." "Get it off my plate." "It's cushy. It's like that stuff at the end of an egg." "And I know it's not the end of an egg, it's the beginning of a chicken." "It's hen-cum." "Something else that doesn't look like food: lobsters and crabs." "I mean, anything coming at me, walking sideways, with big pinchers, somehow doesn't make me hungry." "In fact, my instinct is: step on that fuck! Look at the big bug! Step on the big bug! Before he gets to the children." "They look like they mean business." "Can't order frog's legs. In the restaurant, I keep wondering, what did they do with the rest of the frog?" "What do they do with it? Do they give them little dollies and send them back out into the world to bear?" "Try, try to return them to a normal life if you can." "Trouble is, the Dollies for Froggies program has been cut in half." "You've probably seen the last froggy dolly for a long, long time." "I'd rather eat a box of cookies." "It does not always come in handy. Just eat a goddamn box of cookies." "You ever do that? A whole box of cookies right in a row." "I don't mean to take them out, I mean eat them in the kitchen. Standing right in the kitchen, eat a whole goddamn box of cookies." "Just stare at the electric clock while you're eating those cookies." "Did you ever notice right on the cookies it says 'open here'?" "What the fuck do they think you're gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their cookies?" "Of course you're going to open them here." "You're going to eat them here? You almost have to open them here." "Thank god it doesn't say 'open' somewhere else." "Shit, I'd be up all night trying to find a good location." There's some words that are perfectly clean but sound like they could be filthy if you gave them just a little help. A word like pussyfoot. It's perfectly clean, but when you say pussyfoot, there's a little giggle. Of course, people know that with a little help, this word could be filthy. No matter what form of the verb you try, it's clean as a verb, but pussyfoot could be a noun. It could be a noun. Pussyfoot. A rare disorder. A female birth defect. Hello, boys. I have pussyfoot. You sure do, lady. And I love them open-toed shoes you have on. Well, I'd rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker. I can say that. Or beer nuts. God, that must be awful. Beer nuts. The official disea
