San Francisco, put your hands together for John Mulaney! Oh, hello everybody. How are you this evening? Alright, let's do this. Thank you for coming to the Saturday show. I'm very glad you're here. I love coming out to clubs and bars on the weekends because nowadays, like, every bar will bust out some crazy drink special, you know? You'll see them advertised, and honestly, most of them are okay, the ones around. They'll be like, "Bucket of beers," or, "Ladies drink free." But then sometimes I'll hear about a drink special that sounds, like, borderline dangerous. Like, my friend will call me up and be like, "Man, we gotta go to O'Halligan's tonight." Like, "It is nickel shot night." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we'll die if we go to O'Halligan's." "Nickel shot night should be illegal." "You know what I used to do, San Francisco? I used to black out drinking every night of the week." "That's absolutely true. I used to do that every night. For those of you that don't know what that is, blacking out is when you drink so much that your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on. I used to do this every night of the week. I'm not proud of that fact, by the way. I'm not proud that I blacked out every night. I'm not proud that I saw the movie The Notebook in the theater. But it happened. I can't change the past. It was a matinee, too. It was pathetic. I'll tell you about blacking out. It was always weird when I would go out for the night with, like, some money and black out and wake up with no money. It was even weirder, though, when I would go out for the night with some money, black out and wake up with more money. Because that means that I earned money. that means that I traded goods and/or services, which is scary, scary, but sometimes I'd almost be proud of it, you know? I'd be like, "Wow, I turned $20 into $100. I am a financial wizard." Like, I would like to give people money advice now, but I don't know how that would go, you know? They would just be like, "John, we're looking to get rich quick." And I'd be like, "Well, have you tried mixing daiquiris with Ambien?" They're like, "Does that work?" I'm like, "It didn't not work." I started drinking when I was way too young. I was about 13 when I started. But honestly, that is nothing because I saw a Dateline NBC special about alcoholics, all right? And they interviewed this woman who started drinking when she was eight years old. When she was eight. It was hilarious. I don't even know what I'd be like drunk at eight years old. Like, my dad comes home from work and is like, "So, John boy, what did you do today?" And I'm just like, "Colored." You did what now? "Coloring." "You know, coloring." "Like with a crayon." "Well, uh, what did you color?" "Some big fucking brontosaurus." "It doesn't matter." "What did you color?" "Fuck you." "You come down to my level." "You come down here." "You come down here." "Yeah, you don't know me." "I have secrets." "Why yesterday I wore my footie pajamas under my clothes, and I pretended that I was a fucking fireman." "Were you at O'Halligan's tonight?" "It was nickel shot night." "For a quarter they gave me this many." I've always been too interested in crime news and stuff like that, like cold case files and that kind of thing. I love reading crime news in general. I like the local paper in a city because they always have good crime coverage. It's funny to me when the local paper will try and make someone sound prettier after they're murdered. Like, you'll walk by the newsstand and you'll see the headline, like, Beauty Slain. And then you look at the photo and you're like, How about body found? My new favorite term in crime reporting is someone is a person of interest. That means that someone is like an unofficial suspect in a case, which I think is a pretty good term. But to me, person of interest almost sounds too flattering. Like, if I was in my apartment and the police pounded on the door and they were like, A man was murdered in your lobby last night and you are a person of interest. I would be like, Moi? Oh, do go on. Fresh. I love crime news, crime TV shows. I have to tell you, my absolute favorite show in the world is a little program called Law & Order. I love Law & Order. Most of my time, when I'm not trying to figure out who Tyler Perry is, I'm watching Law & Order. It's a great show. I watch so much Law & Order, sometimes I think I'm in an episode of Law & Order. Like, I'll just be, like, walking to the car with my friends, and I'll be like, Hey, you guys see the game last night? That ref should get his eyes checked. Wait a second. Parking garage in the afternoon? Vague and crappy dialogue? We're about to find a dead body! We never do. And the best thing about Law & Order is that it's like the same episode every single time. Like, it's the same thing again and again, to the point that, like, you see the same types of characters on every Law & Order. They'll bust out these same types of people on different episodes. Some of my personal favorites, there is a guy who, while being questioned by homicide detectives, will not stop unloading crates. doesn't matter to this guy. Double rape and murder? Nah. He's got to unload that van. The detectives, they'll show up with all these serious questions, and this guy's just like, Tony Ramirez? Yeah, I remember him. used to work here Tuesdays. It's like, dude, people have died. How often are you questioned by homicide detectives? Other favorites on Law & Order? There is a judge who allows everything. Mmm, I'll allow it. But watch yourself, McCoy. And, of course, the New York City bartender who recognizes everybody that's ever been in the bar, ever. The cops come in and hand the bartender a photo. Law & Order bartender's always like, mmm, mmm. They always make that face that, like, like they're, like that, like, mmm. Like their face needs to adjust to a photograph. Like, they're like, oh, a picture. Not for nothing, but for a second I thought it was a tiny person. Okay. Yeah, blue shirt lady. Nice lady. Came in here Friday around 7.30. And the cops are like, all right, did she seem upset? Nah. She was smiling. Guy she was with didn't look too happy, though. He left about 9.35, 9.36. It's like, which New York City do you work in? I live there. I live with people I don't recognize. Oh, and then the bartender will always ask the cop the same question. He's just like, uh, why? Did something happen to her? Yes. Something most definitely did. That's why the murder police are here with a photograph of her talking about her in the past tense. There's been an incident. I love Law and Order. I do. And I miss Jerry Orbach more than certain dead relatives of mine. He was the best. Jerry Orbach, for those of you that don't know who that is, he played Detective Lenny Briscoe on Law and Order for many, many years. He was a wonderful actor. He also played the dad in Dirty Dancing. He's the one that put baby in the corner. But, a few years ago, Jerry Orbach died. You may know that. It was very sad. What you may not know, and this is absolutely true, by the way. I would not shit you, San Francisco. It's absolutely true. After Jerry Orbach died, he donated his eyes to the New York Eye Bank. He was an eye donor, okay? And there's these signs all over New York that you can see, and they're in, you know, ads in magazines and stuff, and they say, Jerry Orbach gave his heart and soul to the gift of acting and the gift of sight to two New Yorkers. Two New Yorkers got Jerry Orbach's eyes. Sorry, like as a transplant. Not just to have. Like they got them put in. They got them surgically put in. Not just to carry around mushy life. Like they got them, like a doctor did it. That is an amazing story. There's two different New Yorkers walking around with Jerry Orbach's eyeballs. That is amazing. What's more amazing is that it's two different people in New York City, right? They're probably strangers. They probably don't know each other, right? Well, that would make a great movie. Like that is the plot of a great romantic comedy. I can see the preview now if it's just like, He's an average guy who only likes sports. Dude, you gonna sell your grandmother's wedding ring? What? I need it for season tickets. But she's a busy businesswoman who only likes business. Ma'am, could you turn off that Bluetooth? We're at a baptism. He's March Madness. She's Merrill Lynch. Got it. But they have one thing in common. They both have Jerry Orbach's eyeballs shoved into their face. New Line Cinema presents Love at First Sight. This summer, love is spelled with two I's. I thought a lot about it. Thank you. And the scene... Thank you. I'm very proud of myself. And the scene where the guy and the girl finally meet, okay? Because beginning of the movie they get the eye transplant. That's a given. Rest of the movie, they're walking around New York, right? But they keep crisscrossing. And you're like, Oh, when are they finally gonna meet? But they don't cross paths like in that movie Serendipity, which is not bad. So they're walking around. And you're like, Oh, when are they finally gonna meet? And here's the scene where they meet, okay? Because if you remember on Law and Order, whenever Jerry Orbach saw a dead body, he'd make a funny little joke. Like, Jerry Orbach always had a one-liner. Like, every single time. So at the end of the movie, the guy and the girl are coming down the street from opposite ends of the street, okay? And there's an alley in the middle of the street. And there's a teacher lying dead in the alley. And at the same moment, they both go, Huh, school's out. And then they lock eyes. Coming to a theater near you. I'm a big movie fan. I'm very, very confused why so many people love the movie Scarface, though. I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point. It's just that, like, I've seen tons of people in the past couple years who wear, like, knee-long Scarface T-shirts like it's a flag or something. Like the guy from the movie Scarface is their hero. I wonder if they've seen the end of the movie because it ends really, really badly. Spoiler alert, Scarface dies snorting a comical pile of cocaine in a tacky-ass mansion that looks like if, like, the Golden Girls won the lottery. If they won the Powerball lottery. Also, I don't like people lumping in Scarface with better movies. I have friends that'll be like, yeah, I like movies like The Godfather and Scarface. Oh, yeah? Well, my favorite foods are lobster and Skittles. Those are equal in my eyes. Oh, I also think it's weird in movies, um, when someone has amnesia and they wake up in the hospital, a lot of times they'll be surrounded by friends and family, but when they open their eyes, they go, who are you? Because that's not how you act when you don't recognize somebody. That's very rude. It would be chaos out there. If every time, every time you saw someone you didn't recognize, you went, who are you? I always try to be really polite in life, so, like, if I had amnesia, you'd never know it. I'd wake up and they'd be like, hi, John, we're so happy you're awake, and I'd just be like, oh, hey, man, how's it going? Oh, hey, dude, nice to see you again. Because that's how you act when you can tell that someone recognizes you and you have no fucking clue who they are. I love movies, though. I'm kind of... It's funny to me, over the summer, when these big, like, blockbuster action movies come out, you know, and you'll read about one movie, one of these movies, and it'll say that it costs something like $100 million. Because whenever I read that, I think, like, yeah, you didn't need to make a movie with that money, I would have bought a ticket just to see $100 million. Like, I am at a point in my life where I would wait on a line just to look at that much cash. Like, you could just stack it up in a motel room and line us up down the hall. You put some guy out front in a straw hat that's
