A trumpet. Yes, perhaps for all extensive purposes, a long metal tube twisted to form a bell in the sound, but this trumpet meant a little more. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. The Rick Hussar Martin Schwartz Vinegar Cannonball Story. The story of a man and his horn. A great picture, and like all crappy pictures, where does music start? In New Orleans. New Orleans. And we find little Rick is shinning himself up over the men's room, the musicians' union. As he looks down, he gets this first feeling of inadequacy. Oh, boy, what a schlong. Woo-hoo! And who catches him but Buck Clayton, who's got the 78-piece Dixieland band. Hey, come down there, boy. Come down there. Come on there. Grab him, grab him. Oh, gee, mister, I didn't want, I wasn't going to steal. Well, nobody said you want to steal nothing there, sonny. Don't get nervous there, little boy. What were you doing hanging around here? Well, I've always wanted to be a musician, sir. Oh, and you just think hanging around here in the men's rooms, you'll make it, huh? No, it's not that, but besides that, I'm a little far out for three. Well, that's pretty cool. That's your name, sonny. Rick Lazar Hamilton Martin Schwartz. That's a great name, son. But what is it attracts you? That, mister, which you're holding. My axe? Yeah. Can I touch it? I'm only three years old. Here, son. Thank you, mister. Well, that kid's a genius. I haven't heard a sound like that since Lip Flack Clayton. Come here, sonny. Oh, it's really the first time that I ever, just ever did anything like that. Oh, you're putting me on, kid. Do that again. He hit a high C above a natural LMN Marlboro. Kid's wild. Let me see them chops. God damn, that kid's far out. Well, thank you, Mr. Buck. I just didn't know. That's all I wanted. I've just been hanging around, just trying to listen to the sound. I'm just looking for my own sound, the different sound. I know I've got it inside me. You're only three, schmuck. What do you mean you've got it inside you? What do you want to do? I just want to be a musician, because I know that my soul belongs in the music business. Well, where's your mommy and daddy? I haven't got any mommy and daddy. Just a test tube. Oh, that's terrible, son. Well, you better come back to the musicians' union tomorrow, and you can hear some Buck and the boys play out C.J.M. Lamboff, Beat Shop, Larence Funkamonk, Blues. Well, uh, I can't go home. Well, what's the matter, son? You have a home, don't you? No, I live in a paper box outside the ranch market. You can go home with us. We live in a woody melon. You see, sonny, this picture has a message, brotherhood. Ask Juan to get up. That's right. All the time, my friend, you're going to say that when my friend, Buck Oliver Clayton, he took me from the Spanish barn, they hold the fellow, fool around with me in Charlie's. They take me to the Roseland building and punk me in the elevator. You think I like this thing? You think I like this thing? You think I like this thing? You think I like this thing? That a queer who pull around with me a dollar a bar? That's why I remember that because I'm Spanish, the fellow color guy, the other guy's German, we all got to stick together and beat up the Pollacks. So now we cut to, he's 18 years old now, and he's working for the society band leader, Hal McIntyre. I don't like him, Johnny. I don't like him a bit. I don't like him. He's dangerous. He's dangerous, Johnny. He's dangerous. He's dangerous. Don't tell me he's dangerous. I've helped a lot of boys up the ladder. All right, and this kid has got it. I know he's got it. Well, I'll tell you he's dangerous, Johnny. Okay. Come out of here, you goddamn bebopper. Get him. Grab him there. Grab him there. Grab him there. What the hell is the matter with you there? I'm just looking for the new sound, sir. I just want that big sound. Just that new sound. I got to have it. Well, just get out of here and try to find your new sound on your own. You may not get the new sound, but this is the new look. The pink slip. Get up. Now he's walking around. His horn is all bent. He's got his own schmater rag wrapped around him. You know what I can now see? He's loaded now, drinking cheap wine. Now, finally, he's back to New Orleans after many, many years. And there's old Master Buck now. Now he's 700 years old. He's still waiting for the elephant to be born. Well, that's Mr. Rick. Oh, Mr. Rick, boy. Oh, look down. Oh, look down. Mr. Rick, my boy, you've done yourself famous. I've been keeping a scrapbook on you, boy. Do you realize you've been busted in every big town in the country, son? Oh, well. Just nothing. I gave all the names like you told me to. I think on everybody. I just turn everybody in, Mr. Buck. Just like you told me. But I'm on the street, and I'm really strung out, but I'm just turning everybody in. Well, that's nice, sonny. That's really good. Did you bring back your taste for old Mr. Buck? No, no. It's like nothing happening, you know? Oh, I know, Johnny. Don't hold out on me, Rick. You know, I bet you got a little taste hidden somewhere. Oh, honest, honest. I'd straighten you. I'd straighten you, you know? But, you know, I wouldn't come on corny with a man who gave me the sound and everything. Well, I don't know, sonny, but I know you got something, and you ain't gonna boost your old Mr. Buck, you know? No, honest. If I had what I'd give you, man, I ain't got it. I mean, God, I'm hung. I'm hung. When you were here last, a man passed through this town, and he said that, well, maybe someday, if you have a New York way, and here's his card, you suppose this man would give me a break? He's helped a lot of newcomers, and maybe he'll help you. Lawrence, oh, boy. Just think that maybe, okay, he's still trying to find his new sound, and on, and more tumble, and more tumble. Now, finally, the big time, and it's a half hour before the show goes on the air, and Lawrence is hung for a new lead trumpet player. Where's he going to find the new guy, waiting patiently, sweating, 20 minutes, 19 minutes, 15 minutes before airtime, the trumpet player shows up. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. That was Earl Bostic bawling the sister. All right, send in the new boy. Hello, sonny. How are you? My name is Lottie, and we got a nice band here, just like one big family. Everybody ball, everybody's old lady. You got switch off eyes, you send a picture of the old lady, you're in the band. Now, they're going to have a nice tour here. The agency sent you over, Mr. Glazer, and told me you'll be perfect boy for my band. You're deaf. I see Mr. Buck drove the tenpenny nail in your head. You wouldn't fool around with that sound anymore. All right, you got a nice face there, and we're going to go right on the road. We play a lot of college dates, mostly industrial colleges, manual training schools, and then we're going to get shopping, get all new clothes. We get the shoes, some flag brothers with a thick soldier of human bondage then. Then we get the nice ties. Everybody gets a cricket and a paper gun. The rules are cooking in the dressing room. Fern does the laundry. 15 cents a pound, fluff dry. You fold, though. What's the matter with you, sonny? How come you don't talk to me? Like an old man, a few snap cats are not good. I got really good eyes to make it, sweetie, you know. A lot of cats put you down, Mr. Wick. But no matter what they say, man, you're the best banjo player. Whatever your axe is, I know you swing, you know. That's the main thing, sweetie, the swing of their axe, you know. Like, I knew Bird very well, man. I got Bird's axe, you know. I saw a bird, man. He was really tore up the last time. I know all them people I knew miles for. It's a block. Ha-ha, it's a joke, baby. I know Basie, for a kid count, ain't I wild? Ha-ha, okay, you know. So, like, what do you say, sweetie? Like, we make the scene, you know. What the hell are you talking about? Uh, you know, I just want to make the scene. Hey, I don't want to bug you, but, uh... Uh, can I get a little bread in front? You're hungry? You want a sandwich? No, and I have some money. I need... I'm really a... Where do you get to know me, man? I'm really a good-natured slob, man. I really give everything away to people, and, uh... Uh, you know, I need some money just to, uh... To take my aunt to the hospital, you know. Uh, look at her, man. She's out in the car throwing up. I don't know, man. What the hell are you talking about? What, are you a communist? Hey, cool it, Mr. Rank. What the hell are you getting so salty about, baby? Like, I don't put you down. You got your bubbles, I got my scene, you dig? You know? Hey, you really got a nutty wig, Polack. I swear to God. Hey. You don't part nowhere. That's wild. So, like, if I wouldn't hang you up, I would dig making the scene with you, because I saved you a taste, and I'd really like to get you straight before the gig, sweetie. You dig? You mean... What the hell are you scratching your face for all the time? Maybe you got bugs or something there? Oh, man, I'm allergic, man. I gotta... Oh, come on. I'm going to call you that way. I really got a lot of... I'm a nervous cat, man. Like, you know? Hey, well, let's do the thing, baby. You got eyes? I'll make it, you know. All right, I'm going to sign you, because I'm a good judge of character. You're honest, boy. I can tell by your eyes. They're so small. Yes, that's nice, boy. That's a funny instrument, all them spoons there. You do novelty, yeah. Clock the other boy like that. That's good novelty. All right, that's Ivy League with the belt on the arm, huh? Hey, I hate to cop out on myself, Jim. It's Lawrence. Yeah. But I better tell you in front, baby. I got a monkey on my back. Oh, that's what I like. You like animals on the band. Rocky's got a duck. They can play together. Here's a bit. It's about a good man, a man that was really better than Christ and Moses, the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger was so good that he never waited for a thank you. Cleaned up the whole town, did it all for you, and split, whoosh, whoosh! What's with that putz? What? What? The schmuck didn't wait. Mama made coffee and cake and everything. What the hell is with that guy? I got my hand out like some jack-off, he's on his horse already. It's a Lone Ranger, so what the hell does that give him? What an asshole, is he kidding that guy? Schmuck, I'm standing there like this, with a mail, with a plaque and everything? I'm gonna punch the shit out if I ever see him again. Take it easy, Dominic, take it easy, my balls. Is that guy kidding me? Look, it's a Lone Ranger, you good-natured schmuck, you ain't got a quarter. You don't know about him? He's got a problem, he's going to analysis, he can't accept love. Yeah, in fact, we don't even need him anymore. He comes around here, you know, we recognize the mask with snot on us, disgusting. But he likes to go through it, so we play it out for him, you know. Here's his favorite bit we say to him, "Hey, you, what do you got a mask on? You an outlaw?" This makes him really crazy. "I'm an outlaw!" "I'm an outlaw!" "You should be an outlaw!" "Like, I'm an outlaw!" "Why do you got a mask on?" "Never mind, I'm an outlaw!" "Get away, kids, I hurt people!" "Is that believable, I'm an outlaw?" "Is that you're kicking the ass for being nice to be..." "I'm out for number one from now on, brother." "Nobody's gonna shit on me, I'm out for number one, boy." "Number one is the one, and then they get it later." "Nice guy, how can the ass hole these bullets then?" "I don't know." "That is weird." "Sure he's nice." "So nice guy these bullets for kids to fool around with?" "I told you what the innuendo is, Dr. Ehrlich the magic bullet." "What's that?" "Syphilis." "Ah!" "He's telling you a sly subtle way that the whole world has syphilis." "Dr. Ehrlich the magic bullet?" "Of course." "Where do you think you rise up with his mouth closed?" "A
