That's right. Right on. Right, buddy? I'm just trying to make it easy for people. That's all. I'd went as far as to say that, guys, we should stop coming to women's mouths. Stop doing this. Stop it! I knew this wasn't going to go over big down here. I know. We're swallowing as a tradition as old as the city itself. I know! I was going to have a hard time selling it here! The town that's famous for... Welcome to Horsetown! I know! I know! I knew it was going to be controversial, but I'm saying, guys, be nice. Pull. Skeet fuck. Skeet fuck. Pull! Oh, you know. Don't come in the mouth. That's so rude. Come on. I mean, a woman is nice enough to suck your dick. She's like, oh, thank you. Thanks for sucking my... Oh, yeah, here, take this with you. Bam! On the fucking face. That's so rude. So rude! Cannot believe it. It's so rude. And they make that terrible noise. Which is to let you know what a good time they're having, huh? Yeah, girls just love the gag. Oh, my God. What does it take? And that is the noise. That's the fucking noise. Don't look around. That's the noise. I know you see these porno movies and the girls are like, yeah, come on, come on. Write your name on my face. Write your name on my face, huh? Yeah. Yeah, it's in the movies. In real life, the noise is, whoa! She's trying not to throw up that lobster you bought her for dinner to get her to blow you in the first place. She's trying to keep seafood surprise off of your pants. She's trying to have to keep you from having to go to the dry cleaners and go, listen, I've got some kind of seafood vomit holding my pants in. If you could help me here, I, you know. And the guy looks at you like, you sick. Fuck. What did you do? Trying to get her to swallow? You fucking bastard. Get your pants. Get your pants. Pick it up! I'm not cleaning your vomit soap pants. Get out! You see that sign? That sign says, we refuse, that we have the right to refuse service. Get the fuck out! Go! Go now! You sick bastard. I do. I feel sorry for women. You women know what I'm talking about. You're something there. You do. You're down there. You're doing it your way. Your style. Your speed. You're doing those little things that let you be you. You're doing it the way only you can. I mean, blowjobs are like a snowflake. No two of them are like. I know that's a terrible analogy. I know that's a terrible analogy. I know a lot of you are going, thanks, Sam. Thanks. You just fucked up Christmas for me now, you dickhead. Now every time I see a snowflake, I think of a blowjob. Thanks a lot, you asshole. I know. It's a terrible analogy, but it's true. They're unique. Every blowjob is like a snowflake. It's almost romantic, isn't it? It is. You know, it's just... You're down there. You're doing your thing. You're doing it your way. And all of a sudden, you feel this hand on the back of your head. Like the guy is gripping your skull like a fucking bowling ball. Like he needs to take out a corner pin in the second frame. And the girl's like, did an evangelist just walk in? Is someone laying hands on me so that I will be able to get better head? And all of a sudden, it's like, boom, boom. I can't get out. Boom. They come up with a look on their face like... Like, what am I supposed to do with this? And what do we tell them, guys? Swallow it. Ladies, that's right. You saw me. That's right. No, I didn't do it. I didn't face them at all. They said, swallow it. They barked it like drunk pirates. Swallow it! Walk the plank. Swallow it! So fucking easy to say. Swallow it, swallow it, swallow it. Know what you ought to do, girls? Keep it in your mouth. Kiss them. Put them back in their mouth. They go, you swallow it, bucker! See how you like it? Taste your own gun! Taste your own salty dicks, not you bastard! You guys have been great, Houston. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for having me recording my album. I love you! I'll be back! Like Arnold! I will be back! Good night! Sam! Where are you? Treat me like those guys who started the revolution in Russia. Executing! Yeah, anybody following the thing in Russia? I don't follow it because I can personally give a fucking shit. I don't care about Russia. Why should I care about Russians? I hate Russians. They're scum. They want to be us, but they'll never be us. They're jealous of us. They hate us because we are living their fucking dream. We're living the whole world's dream. We run this fucking planet now. We never. America wants to work. We have the food. That's right, we have the food. That's right, we have the weapons. We have the army. You gotta be nice to us or, you know, first of all, you go hungry. And then we kick your fucking ass. So it's not a good idea to piss us off. That's why Russia is kissing our ass, they know. They're fuck, come on, they're Kurds. They're Kurds with fucking apartments. They're losers. They're losers. They got nothing. Yeah, they're dancing and singing out because they think they're free. Yeah, we're free, yeah. Yeah, when they get tired, they're gonna go, hey. Hey, we're still out of work and there's nothing to eat. Great, the government's changed, but we're still fucked. They are, they're fucked. They are, they're fucked. But we helped them out. We helped them out. We said, what, you guys are hungry. Why didn't you say so? We give them one McDonald's. I love our cities. We're a cracker, folks. We also crack the world up. The world laughs at us very much. In America, they're crazy bastards, aren't they? We gave you McDonald's. Shut the fuck up. Stop bitching. McDonald's now. Yeah, like they can afford it. They're paying 200 bucks for a loaf of bread over there. We give them McDonald's. Like a fucking Big Mac is like six grand in rubles by now. Jesus Christ. If I was over there, I'd have a pawn shop. Right next to that fucking McDonald's. Sam Kennison's pawn shop. The people's pawn dealer. That's right. They'd be happy to go on. Those burgers smell good, don't they? Good smelling burgers. That's right. If you bring me a car and a pink slip, I'll buy you a Happy Meal. Come on down. Come on down to Sam Kennison's. The people's pawn shop. Turn in that jewelry you've been holding back. I know that was mom's favorite ring. Two carrots. All right. Filet fish. Snowbird fries. Thank you very much. Next. They're hungry. I hate to let go, but I've got to eat. I must eat. Here's my ring. Here's my ring. All right. Good, good, good. Give him a Junior Burger. All right. Give him one of those McRibs that we have left over from that big fucking wave, huh? The McRib wave. That was a great idea. Yeah. I like how McDonald's uses those guinea pigs. Hey, let's see if they'll eat shit on fucking bread, huh? The McShit sandwich. Hey. We'll try it out in a few markets down south and we'll save it to work. Yeah. Yeah, Russians though. I've never liked Russians. I haven't liked them since I was a little kid. Remember Khrushchev? Remember that fucking bastard? Yeah. I hated his ass. That's what started it on him. He was the ugliest fucking asshole I've ever seen in my life. He was fucking scary. He was like a monster. I swear to God, he was. He was scary like a fucking monster. That big fucking head and ugly fucking teeth. Fat ass fucking bald, rusty bastard. Came over here with a shoe off banging at the UN. We will bury you! We will bury America! We'll take America without a shot! Communism is the wave of the future! I can't blow it out your dead, rusty ass. Yeah. Yeah, Communism is the wave of the future. Here's the wave. Yeah, so long! Nice drive! Here's the wave of the future! 30 years later, yeah, here's the wave. Alright, so... Plus he fucked with my favorite president. My favorite president! John F. Kennedy, my personal favorite president. Guy Bajon. Charming guy. Great guy. Good president. Fucked Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and fucked Marilyn Monroe! What do you want?! I know some people give him shit about that. Yeah, like you wouldn't have. Yeah. No. No, you'd have been too busy in there studying the fucking Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Yeah. Yeah, you wouldn't want a piece of Marilyn. Not you, no. No, you're too patriotic. Yeah, fuck you. You'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK. You'd have been there in the Oval Office. Marilyn across the desk. Your dick up her ass looking out at the Washington Monument going, you know, it doesn't get much better than this, doesn't it? President of the United States, take your Marilyn Monroe. My finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in 12 hours. It doesn't get better than this! The man wins! The man fucking lives! Yeah, but you wouldn't have done it. You wouldn't have went for that. No, you wouldn't want to feel that. Fuck you. You would have done it! He did them all, man. Jane Mansfield. Angie Dickinson. When she was young! When she was police girl. He did it! He's the one that turned her into police woman. She came to the White House. She was police girl. She left. She was police woman. He was cool, man. He had a great dream. He went into Congress one day and said, "I want to see a man on the moon in the next 10 years." And Congress looked at each other like, "What the fuck's he been drinking?" Was he drunk? A man on the fucking moon? Shit. We haven't even told a monkey how to drive a car yet. He wants a man on the moon in 10 years? Great. Well, I guess we better start that fucking space race. Yeah, but we did it. America fucking did it. 1969, we put a fucking man on the moon. We did it! We said fuck, let's do it! Did Russia ever go to the moon? Nooo. They flew up. It's 20 years later. They ever been to the moon? Nooo. You know why? Cause they're little space pussies. They're little space pussies. They're afraid. They jump up to either. Hey! Oh, we're off the ground right now. No! Space pussies. Yeah, some space race fucking jackasses. Yeah. There was never a space race. They were full of shit. You really want to impress us? Bring back our fucking flag, asshole! We were on the moon! That's right. Guys, can you show us some moon rocks or kiss this? Aren't you fucking phony space race fucks? They're losers. I'm telling you folks. They're losers. They're jealous. They're like Kurds with apartments. I'm not lying. They're not as fucked as the Kurds, but they're close. The Kurds are the most fucked people on earth. You know that. They are. They're idiots. I've never seen two million idiots together in one place. Usually they're spread out. One to a village, you know. Two million fucking idiots got up a morning and went, "Woo!" "Hey, Emil! Why don't we cross the hill? We'll go to a place where there's no food. There's nothing to eat. No way to live. No way to take care of our children. Let's go!" Yeah. Yeah, real great fucking milk, yeah. And the world's supposed to feel sorry for you. Yeah. Yeah, they're fucking idiots. Kurds. You might as well change the name to the fucks, because they're fucked. We were the Kurds, not with the fucks. I wanted to feel sorry for them. I did. I wanted to have compassion on them. And then I read where eight of them have died by being hit in the head by relief boxes dropped from our plane. That's how stupid they are. I'm not making this up. How dumb are you to stand in our box going, "I don't know." Could be food. Could be medical survivors. Bah! Look at that. Hey, Merry Christmas! Happy New Year, you fucking stupid Kurd! Yeah, America's new secret weapon, food. Yeah, here it is! Boom! Fucking Kurds. God. Not enough fucking idiots on this planet. You got too many people. Will you take care of us? I love that commercial. Won't you help the Kurds? Yeah, yeah. Won't you blow me? Fuck you. Not helping the Kurds. And is it me, or do the people look a little familiar? Did they get a swore we just had a war with these assholes? Goddamn! The fucking gall. The fucking gall. I hate the gall of these countries that come back to us a week after the war
