Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Maher! Thank you! How you doing? Thank you! Oh, stop it! Thank you very much! Wow! I know, it's exciting! Thank you! Thank you! I love you too! I appreciate that! I know, you're like on Yahoo! Comedy! Because you can't actually jerk off at work. That's what we're doing. Isn't this exciting? The first really live internet stand-up special. So if you like something and it's funny, don't do that, don't laugh, just yell LOL. Or turn your face sideways and smile. But I'm really playing to two audiences tonight, you know, because there's the beautiful audience here at the San Jose Center, and then there's the people watching at home on their computers, or as I call it, pants and no pants. Those are the two audiences. Also, welcome to my two billion fans in China. Welcome to... Jeremy Lin kicks ass! And also to the people on Moon Colony Gingrich. I'm communicating to you right now. Oh, I... I judge everything by the Moon Colony. The Moon Colony is my gauge for everything. Did you see Newt Gingrich last night at the debate in Arizona? He is getting a little desperate. He promised the American people that on his Moon Colony, there'd be Pinkberry. No, really... Did you see that debate? Mitt came out swinging. Which is weird, because when I think of swinging, I think of Newt Gingrich. And when I think of coming out, I think of Rick Santorum. Now, look, I don't want to get political. Yeah, right. But Rick Santorum, I mean, this is the thing about the Republican Party, not to be partisan. But watching it this entire last year that they've been running for president, I've come away with a revelation. There is no bottom. No, I thought Dan Quayle was the bottom 20 years ago. I thought, they'll never find someone stupider than this, but no. Then a Mr. George W. Bush steps forward, and a Miss Sarah Palin emerges, a Michelle Bachmann, a Rick Perry. Really? The front-runner now for the Republicans is Little Ricky Santorum? The Jesus freak in the sweater vest? The guy who has the recurring dream about Jesus putting sunblock on his chest? I'm just saying. And this says a lot about the Republicans, I think. Three of the candidates this year claimed that God told them to run. And Rick Santorum was not one of them. Seriously. Three of them said God told me to run. Kane, Bachmann, and Rick Perry all said that. Which means God is 0 for 3. Really, God. Better luck playing the ponies, big guy. You know, at one point there was like 10 candidates. Remember when the debates were like a whole row of people? And then of course the Perry's and the Bachmann's and the Kane's started dropping off. That's my favorite part of the process. When they kill off Republican candidates like repulsive teenagers in a slasher movie. But who is still standing? Newt Gingrich? Could be president? What, was Optimus Prime busy? Newt Gingrich? The fat turd from the 90s? I mean... Yeah, it still could be. The Super Tuesday is coming up. That's when the car on the lawn states vote and... And I'm telling you Newt Gingrich could be right back in it. And then it would be Mitt versus Newt. Alien versus Predator. My money is still on and always has been on Mitt Romney because Mitt just wants this more than anyone else. Mitt wants this like a tick wants blood. If the poll came out tomorrow that said Mitt Romney would get one more vote as a black woman... He would cut his dick off and get a weave so fast... You would be voting for Latisha Romney as soon. No, Reagan had the shining city on the hill. Mitt is more like the date who wears you down until you give him a hand job. So you can finally get to sleep. I almost feel sorry. Seriously, for Mitt Romney. Because they don't like him. They keep looking for someone else. It's like if Mitt Romney right now was masturbating on Chat Roulette. People would go, "I wonder who else is masturbating?" I mean, so far Mitt Romney has been led by Donald Trump, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, The Underwear Bomber, Michael Jackson's doctor, Bed Bugs, the guy at Penn State who saw kids getting fucked and went home and told his dad about it. Poisoned cantaloupe and the Italian captain of the cruise ship who drove into a rock and then left the boat. You know, I'm not saying if you're a captain you have to go down with the ship, but get wet. Right? Okay, so. All right, so you seem like a very game group of people. Let's review this. Thank you, sir. Let's review the people so far who have led. Poor Mitt Romney. Donald Trump. Donald Trump, who ran as this great businessman. His casinos went bankrupt. The only business where people give you money for nothing. Choctaw Indians can make this work. Okay. So, the brilliant Donald Trump, he went away. Then they went to Michelle Bachmann for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. Oh, sure. Oh, I'm with you. Oh, I know. You don't have to sell me. I was a Michelle Bachmann fan from the beginning. I wanted her to be president because I think her husband, Marcus, would make a fabulous first lady. I really do. You don't need gaydar with this guy. Any two of your normal senses will do just fine. Okay, so. Then it was Michelle Bachmann. She was gone. Then they went to Rick Perry, the Bush brother from another mother. That's why I don't like Rick Perry. See, because you know what? He reminded me of Bush. And the great thing about when Obama became president is like he was immediately so different that I totally forgot about George Bush. You know, in two days... Bush was like an uncle who molested me and I blocked it out. And they went to Herman Cain who shot to the top of the polls and then was undone by a sex scandal, which he handled as smoothly as a heroin addict with a cop at the door. Really, Herman, smooth there. Wore a pimp hat through a sex scandal. But, okay. And then, so he quit the race, went on Barbara Walters and said he wanted to be Secretary of Defense. And under qualifications he listed karate. These people could dumb down dumb. They really... Okay, so then they got rid of Herman Cain and they went to Newt Gingrich. A man with the moral compass of an opportunistic infection. He was the front runner in the party of family values. If this... If this guy was any slimier you could kill him with a box of salt. That's just... Actual newts are less slimy than Newt Gingrich. He is a living attack ad against himself. I mean, you've followed the real housewives of Newt Gingrich story, haven't you? You know, he's on his third wife. The second wife went on Nightline to testify about him a couple of months ago. And she said he wanted an open marriage. Because this is the kind of raging narcissist Newt Gingrich is. Only Newt Gingrich could look in the mirror. And go, yeah, what woman wouldn't want a piece of this? Threesomes he's thinking about. Yeah. He always dwells on the fact, and for good reason, it is, what I say, slimy. That, you know, he left the first wife when she had cancer and he left the second wife when she had MS. And that is a thing to, you know, be concerned about. But I think the much bigger issue is, how come when you get fucked by Newt Gingrich, you get very, very sick? Isn't that a more fundamental question? I love how in every debate, Mitt Romney, whenever he's standing next to Newt Gingrich, never loses the opportunity to say, I have been married to the same woman for 500 years. Mitt Romney, his slogan should be, you know who he's fucking. You is who he's fucking. Okay, so then Newt Gingrich flamed out and they went to, you know, sometimes it's the last rock you look under. There he was, Rick Santorum. He'd been there the whole time, you know, he was in every debate. And I've got to give credit to Rick Santorum. When you can stand between a megalomaniacal serial adulterer and a robotic Mormon and still come off as the creepy one, I've got to give you some credit, Rick Santorum. Because you know what, Rick Santorum knows two things. Life begins at erection. And watch out for Satan! Satan! We're talking about Satan in 2012. No, I mean, people think Rick Santorum's creepiness is limited to sexuality and that's the creepy part, but no. He's got a lot of creepy things to say. Rick Santorum is the guy who said about a month ago, I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them someone else's money. Oh, no, he didn't. This is what I love about today's Republican Party. The base is actually too stupid for code. You can't speak in racist code. You've just got to say it. Negroes is going to take your money. You know, Newt, he tried a little code. He called Obama the food stamp president. That's right. That's what Obama's all about. Walking through the ghetto, passing out food stamps to his homies. You know, when he's not selling crack. Yeah, there's been a lot of food stamps under Obama because he came into office just as a recession was hitting. It would be like calling George Bush the planes crashing into buildings president. You know, and there were actually... Thank you. There were actually more food stamps given out under Bush. See, that's one thing that unites this Republican field. Fact free. Fact in a bubble. Just... A zero tolerance policy for facts of any kind. You know, they're always making up this fictitious president who slashes defense. No. Raises tack. No. You know, he's always apologizing around the world. What? You know what they're hanging this on? He once bowed to the Chinese president. Maybe because he's from China. And considering what we owe that guy. We're lucky he didn't get on his knees and blow him, you know? I mean... These rectum derived statistics and their knowledge of history. Their knowledge of history. Michelle Bachman said that the founding fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. Okay, this is not exactly true. So... To smooth this over, from now on, we will be referring to Thomas Jefferson's slaves as friends with benefits. Sarah Palin, remember this? Paul Revere... Her remembrance of the Paul Revere chapter in American history is that he got on his snowmobile and... She said he was warning the British about the Second Amendment 11 years before it was written. Rick Perry got the date of the American Revolution wrong by two centuries. He thought it happened in the 1500s. Wow! This guy's not just dumb for America, he's dumb for Texas. I mean... Could not place 1776 in the 1700s. Could not place it there. I mean, if there's one date Americans all know, 1776, that's when the British stole the Wright Brothers' plane. Come on. And flew it into Uncle Tom's cabin. Let's all say it together, we all know our history. Not the 16th century, Rick Perry. Oh my God, that's when Washington crossed the Delaware to bomb that abortion clinic. So, I don't know what to say. I hope I'm not coming off as partisan. But I just think it took the Republicans so long to find somebody, and they still haven't, really, because they really don't like humans. They don't. They love zygotes, fetuses, they're religious, they love ghosts. People who are here on Earth now, that they're not that crazy about. They hate poor people. Mitt Romney said it a couple of weeks ago right out loud. He said, "I am not really that concerned about the poor." Too stupid for code. I fucking hate poor people. What do I have to do to make that point to you? I'm trying to get bum-fighting in the next Olympics. You know, Mitt Romney, completely unaware of this income inequality thing. And you know what, Warren Buffet proved you can be, and Bill Gates too, you can be a billionaire and still care. You know, you don't have to be a fucking asshole about it. Warren Buffet testified before Congress, and he said, "How come I'm the richest guy in the world, and I pay 17% in income taxes, and my secretary, who makes 60 grand, pays 30%?" Which brings up a very fundamental economic question. Why is Warren Buffet only paying his secretary $60,000 a year? Warren, put a crowbar in your w
