Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Strategic Grill Locations' (2003) by Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 1/1.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm extremely proud, and the Laugh Stop is extremely proud, to present, Mitch Hedberg. I have to record the CD, so I have to tell all the jokes I have. I want to put them, I've never recorded a CD before. I've told a lot of these jokes before, but I got to put them on a CD now, see, so it's all going to spread it out. All these jokes on the CD right here. These are the CD jokes.
I thought of it today. I whittled the list down today. These are the jokes that I can think of today, which means they are the CD jokes. I might think of another one that won't be on this list, and I'll throw it in, in a moment of spontaneity, that you won't be able to detect. Because you won't notice that it's not on the list. But I will be proud of the spontaneity, and you'll see it in my stride.
So don't fuck up the bass tonight, Chuck, because we're on a CD here. Just fucking keep it, keep it going. Don't fuck up a scale. This joke's all going to go right here. So I wish I could play literally now, I could kick some fucking ass. I'd be way better than before. Then back up now. All right. That joke kicked off the CD right there. Kind of weak, man. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
What about some carrots, maybe, for me? I like carrots. I dressed up for the CD. I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. How long can a CD be? All right. I might have to do two tonight. I don't know, kid. That would be too much comedy. For me. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scattered.
And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, hey. Hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf. Why do koala bears, they're so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over. And I will apprehend one. And hold them. All right. And pet them on the back of his head. I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. All right. It's not a full joke there.
That's filler. It's filler. One of the lists is bending up. I can't read it. All right. Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no. But I want a regular banana later. So, yeah. A guy told me he liked cherries.
But I waited to see if he was going to say tomato before I realized he liked cherries. It's just... All right. That joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there. That one might be edited. I can edit the jokes. I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them places to put stuff.
Do you know where I can store a pee? Yes, I have some locations available. I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first. And she would read that too. All right.
So, I mumble a lot offstage. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So, I'll say it again. But once again, he doesn't hear me. So, he says, "What?" But really, it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying. But now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away." I want to be a race car passenger. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.
I say, "Man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Can I put my feet out the window?" "Man, you really like Tide." Some of those responses, some of those laughs and claps I'll use for other jokes that didn't work. I will make it seem as though you fuckers laughed at unfunny shit. I'm going to use you. I'm going to make a whole joke of unfunny jokes and put your laughs into it.
And then list you individually on the CD. You should never tell someone to have a nice dimple because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. I was on the Craig Kilborn show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, "Dude, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought it was good. He just confirmed that I was on television.
So I turned my head away from him for about a minute. Then I turned it back and said, "Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. You were good." I wrote a letter to my dad that I was going to write, "I really enjoy being here." But I accidentally wrote, "Rarely" instead of really. But I wanted to use it. I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me.
Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. I know this letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad." At the end of my letters, I like to write, "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation?
Zipper it up really quick. Fuck you. I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me. Because there's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy. Get out of here. Gotta go. One time a guy handed me a picture of him and said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger.
Here's a picture of me when I'm older. You son of a bitch. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?" I got a roommate. I live in New York City. I got a roommate to save money. But you see, I fucked up because I'm 31. I'm too old for a roommate. I fucked up severely. I signed a year lease, too. I really fucked up. It's like I wrote a joke that didn't work. But now I have to tell it for a year.
So, let's see. My roommate said, he goes, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first." Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So, I say, "I'm going to go shave, too." Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand?
They'll think you're cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm going to go pick something up. My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it. But she does live in a trailer. She got halfway. So, she's an actress. She just never called to the set. On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means, "Hold on." Yellow means, "Go ahead."
And red means, "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?" Sometimes at hotels that stand have a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm going to replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they made that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store and say, "Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica?"
"Do you have individually wrapped cashews?" You can't please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. But I need that sporadic applause on the CD, boy. That applause will be duplicated. It's going to be after every joke. This CD is going to be six hours long. Six jokes. Just looped laughter. I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it. So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil. And the devil was dill.
This joke's stupid. I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man. I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut and the transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here.
Oh, wait, it's at home. In the file. Under D. Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret. But I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass. I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. Is it time? Sometimes I make some money doing comedy. I made $3,000 opening for the Neville brothers and they paid me in cash. So I had $3,000 in my front pocket.
And that was a bad situation. Because then I started to buy ridiculous shit. Like I bought a snake bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, don't even worry about snakes anymore. And then my friend stepped on a worm. I said, lay down. Snake bite emergency repair kit. It's a body bag. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, I hear music. As though there's any other way you can take it in.
You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work. You know how they call corn on the cob? Corn on the cob, right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn. They should call every other version, corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm, you would call my arm Mitch. But then reattach it and call it Mitch altogether.
Chocolate makes me happy, I have to admit. I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That fucking noise drove the shit out of me, man. That casino losing money bust out the Velcro wallet again. It's like a fucking sound of my addiction. I love to gamble, you know. I booked myself in Las Vegas at the casino. The Riviera Hotel has a comedy club. And there's four comedians on the bill. And we all have similar hair because we're all using the Riviera in-house shampoo.
So we all have equal shine and bounce. It's a two-in-one shampoo. And two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. That's why two was created. But with two-in-one, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit. As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like Pancake, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're fucking sick of them.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. I put fruit on top of my waffles because I want something to brush off. You know, I have a cheese shredder at home. That's a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don't call by its negative name because nobody would buy it. Sponge Ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. I know a lot about cars, man.
I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I say the word "totally" too much. I use the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use the word that is different but means the same thing. Mitch, do you like severing sandwiches? All encompassingly. This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty. All right, thanks. That's Chuck there. How about a round of applause for Chuck?
I've seen a human pyramid befo