So, uh, I'm calling this thing "25 x 2," 'cause, uh, Adele has an album called "25," I'm told. Uh, super popular. Couldn't name you a song. But I'm 25 x 2, you guys. I'm 50. As you get this age, like, the rock stars, the people you look up to are dying, you know. I have ex-girlfriends dying, and that sounds awesome on paper, but it's kind of a bummer. It's fucked up. And this summer will be 30 years for me in comedy. I've been doing comedy for 30 years. It's fucking insane to me, and it's been a year of reflection, and I thought I'd do a couple of, like, updates on some older ideas that I talked about. I've talked about my first rescue dog, Ernie. He's a crazy basset hound. And I've talked about him before. 13 years ago, he did this. He licked my wife's vagina. Not, like, a lot, but just once is enough, really. Just, like, blah. And then he took off, 'cause it was puppy time. He's out of his mind, and he just ran. A couple years ago, when my child was really young, and would sit on the little training potty, potty trainer thing, Ernie would eat his poop. Yeah, fucking disgusting. My son would finish. He'd go, "Daddy, I'm finished." And if I didn't fucking run in there before Ernie, I would hear clickety-clack on the hardwood floors. His fucking toenails as he goes and... fishes the turd out of my son's... I know. Now, that dog is 13. And I don't want to even know what weird shit he's fucking into now. 'Cause if you start with vagina, and then you start eating poo, where does that end as a dog? Like, I come home, he's got his leash around the doorknob. He's trying to blow himself. He's just rolled up like a pill bug. Hanging there. His floppy ears keep getting in the way, so he's kicking them away with his midgety legs. God damn it. I still ruin toilets, too. Another recap. Being as huge as I got when I was 320, that was my superpower ruining toilets. This next sentence is not a joke. My brother-in-law will not let me shit at his house. True story. Precedent was set. Rules were made. Lines were drawn. I'm not allowed to shit at my brother-in-law's house. He had to go to Home Depot three times. It's true. I get it. My entire family knows that I'm not allowed to shit at his house. You all know. Thank fucking God he doesn't host Thanksgiving, 'cause no guarantees, you know what I mean? You put a turkey in my tummy, I'm putting a turkey in your toilet. That's how the body works. That's how my body works. My son. I talked about his nudity. He, uh... He teabagged me on my last special. Oh, yeah. True story. I was watching TV. I was watching wrestling, and he climbed up behind me and fucking put his asshole... his naked asshole on the top of my head and went... And for half a second, 'cause I was falling asleep during wrestling, and he's just... Like, you know that expression "asshat" that never, like, meant anything? Like... Like... Before that, I never got "asshat," and now I'm like, "Ah, okay." "Asshat, God damn it." I like "Star Wars" again. Yeah! Yeah. Just so the non-nerds know, I will talk about other things other than nerdiness. I will also talk about masturbating and how much I hate Kid Rock, so... This special's for everyone. Anyway, I like "Star Wars." I used to hate-- thank you. It's huge for me, because I hated "Star Wars" for a long time, because before that, I loved "Star Wars." Now, if you're not familiar with my material, or you've never met a 50-year-old nerd that was mad at a movie for 15 years, I will explain to you. I've talked about this stuff before, but I want to present it all in one big thing and then show you where I am now. I've worked it through. I loved "Star Wars" as a kid. It was one of my first things I got really nerdy into. I got super into it. I got obsessed with "Star Wars." I loved those first three movies when they came out. Well, let's be honest. I was in high school by the time "Jedi" came out, so when those Ewoks started that fucking "Chub Chub Nub Nub" shit, I was like, "What the fuck is happening?" Like, "Why are these Teddy Ruxpins doing a dick dance?" "What the fuck?" "Chub Chub Nub Nub." So I should've been prepared, and I wasn't. I wasn't prepared, because then the Special Editions came out. Now, if you're not familiar with the Special Editions, it was George Lucas, the creator, going, "Yeah, there's these things I wanted to fix." And as nerds, we were like, "They didn't need fixing. They already was special." "Here. And here." "We don't need more fucking do-backs in the background, and we didn't need Greedo to shoot first, because we all turned out okay with fucking Han Solo shooting first our entire fucking lives." You know what I mean? Like... Thanks, Lucas, but it didn't hurt our decision-making process, because the anti-hero shot a fucking bluish-green thing in the cock, you know what I mean? Like, I don't run through life shooting blues, green things in the dick, 'cause Han Solo did it. I turned out okay. Like... Clearly debatable, but, uh... And then, my insanity for it went so much further, because then the prequels came out, but the prequels, to me, I viewed as the ultimate act of betrayal. I took the prequels personally. It was like your cool uncle trying to mouth fuck you on Christmas. And I know that's super-creepy. I don't mean when you're a little kid, that's fucking awful and against the law. No, I mean now. You're a full-grown man. Yep, it's worse, right? It's worse. You're in your 40s now. Your cool uncle is in his 60s. He was cool. He sold you his Mustang when you got out of high school. Took you to see the Scorpions and Judas Priest at the Cow Pals. Maybe I'm talking about my uncle anyway. Now it's Christmas morning. You're staying at your grandma's house. Everybody's asleep. You get up early. You decide to do a little wake-and-bake behind the garage. You come back in the house. You decide to watch the best Christmas movie ever, Die Hard. Your uncle comes creeping out of the guest room super quietly. Gets right up to your face with his wiener out. You're like, "What the fuck?" That's how I viewed Phantom Menace. I know. It's nuts. I was like, when that came out, too, I was like, well, that was a one-time only thing. My whole uncle trying to mouth fuck me. Then the second one, it was worse. It was like Thanksgiving night. I'm super full of turkey. And it, like, touches my teeth that time. I'm like... God damn it. My uncle's like, "Is this cool?" I'm like, "It's super not cool." You're not my fucking uncle anymore. That's how I viewed those movies. And I know it's insanity. I talked to my therapist about Star Wars. I swear to God. I got so nuts about Star Wars. I talked to my fucking therapist. Not the whole session. But I spent about five minutes, like, shitting on one of the new Star Wars movies. Like, I spent $140 to tell a lady I was mad at a movie. 'Cause my wife didn't want to fucking hear it anymore. She's so sick of my anti-Star Wars shit. 'Cause it got so bad, at one point, she knew it was my Vietnam. You know what I mean? I'm the crazy old asshole in the neighborhood. And some young kid's like, "I like the new Star Wars." I'm like, "You don't know shit about dick, motherfucker." "1977, where the fuck are you?" "Daddy's nuts." I was in the shit, goddammit. My mom took me to see Star Wars opening day and was sold out, so I had to see the deep instead. I saw Jacqueline Bessette's tits at 10 years old. Made me a fucking man. Where the fuck are you? Out of my mind. So that's where I was last year. You're all caught up. And I realized that those jokes are from three different specials. And I reworked them. I basically did the special edition with my own jokes. What a fucking asshole. God damn it. That's where I was. But now I like it. And here's what happened. Last year, my friends started to get excited about the new one. My friends are like, dude, are you going to watch it? Are you going to see it? J.J. Abrams might be good, might be good. And the first trailer, I didn't even watch the first trailer. Because I was like, they're not fucking getting me again, man. They're not getting me again. Star Wars isn't getting me. You're not tricking me again, uncle. So I wasn't going to be tricked. And then the second trailer came out. And I read about it first before I saw it. Freaking nerds were like, oh, my God. And then my friends were like, dude, Han and Chewie. You had to feel something when you saw Han and Chewie. And I'm like, nope, didn't feel nothing, man. My heart's made of turds. Fucking nothing. But behind closed doors, I was a goddamn mess the first time I saw Han and Chewie. I was just like, man. My two best friends. Together again. I wonder what my two pals are going to get themselves into this time. I can't wait. I was so on board. And I go opening day with my wife. And I loved it. I took my brain out. I went in to just enjoy it. I just wanted to have a good time. And I loved Force Awakens. I loved it from the second it started. And I teared up during the whole movie. Fuck that. I full-on cried. I was a mess. I was a mess at the scroll. Luke Skywalker has vanished. I'm like, bleh. It was like fucking Toy Story 3 meets Up. Just a blubbering mess. Just bleh. Did I cry when Han and Chewie came on screen the first time? Fuck yes. I cried when they showed the Millennium Falcon the first time. They panned to the Millennium Falcon. I'm like, my favorite ship from life. Bleh. And we come out of the movie. And my wife is like, what'd you think? And I go, I loved it, baby. And she goes, no shit. You cried during the whole goddamn thing. I'm like, I'm emotional. And then she goes, can we show our son? Do you think we can show her a little boy? And I'm like, yeah, man. We can bring him. It's not super violent. He's seen PG-13s before. We're shitty parents. But anyway. He and I bond over it. He loves it. He walks out of it and he goes, daddy, I love Star Wars. And I go, buddy, I love Star Wars. And it was like this sweet moment. And he goes, daddy, can we get the prequels on Blu-ray? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I guess. Which was huge for me because before that, that shit was banned in my house. That was going to be something he was going to have to find in a tree for it, like weed or porno. And I go, no, we bond over it. Then my wife, we're watching one of the prequels and she's like, this is really shitty. I'm like, no, I know. And she goes, well, you guys can talk about Star Wars this weekend. We're going over to Rick's house. Now, you don't know Rick. That would be super weird if you did. Rick's a good pal of mine. He's a comic book writer, good friend around my age, fellow nerd. I know he felt the same way about Star Wars as I did because we've talked about it a bunch. And by talk about it, I mean yelled about it full of whiskey at Comic-Con. So I knew we would be on the same page. So I see Rick and I go, dude, Force Awakens. I fucking loved it. He goes, man, I hated it. And then we fought for three hours. Everything he said, I had an answer to. He's like, well, the plot felt too familiar. And I'm like, familiar? Like comfort food? Like mashed potatoes, you dumb fucking dick? Yeah. Yeah, a movie made of mashed potatoes. That sounds terrible. What the fuck is wrong with you? And then everything he said, I had an argument to. He's like, man, man, man. I'm like fucking, and I'm just fighting him back. I'm defending Star Wars. He's shitting on Star Wars and I'm defending Star Wars. This thing that I shit on for so long. Which I realized is one of the signs of abuse. I know. Not to get too dark, but defending your abuse. That's the Stockholm Syndrome, you guys. I have the Star Wars Syndrome. Because all my friends are like, Star Wars sucks. Now I'm like, you don't know Star Wars anymore. Star Wars treats me like an angel when no one's around. You ever think maybe Phantom Menace is my fault? Yeah. I did a bad thing, made Star Wars mad. I don't want to make Star Wars mad no more, you guys. I'm only going to do good thi
