Hey everybody, Christopher Titus. Hey, well, things are still going like they're going. Look at my hair. For God's sakes, let's end this just so I can get some clippers. Anyway, putting up Amerageddon on YouTube. Oh yeah, that's right. And with all that's going on in the country right now, I think Amerageddon really, really, really, really, really, really says what I want to say. Enjoy, guys. 90 minutes of comedy. Next week, Norman Rockwell's bleeding. The week after that, Carrying Monsters. Live stream event. I'm so frightened. Of such idle stockpiles, which can only destroy and never create, is not the only, much less the most efficient, means of assuring peace. I speak of peace, therefore, as the necessary, rational end of rational men. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. Why have we not been able to get together as a nation? Donald Trump says he admires Vladimir Putin. There is no collusion between me and my campaign and the Russians. The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant. It's just that they know so much that isn't so. Politics of division and resentment and paranoia has unfortunately found a home in the Republican Party. Say, get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out. He's fired. He's fired! Yes, we should deport them. We should build a wall. We should triple the border patrol. I think there's blame on both sides. He will be the voice of all us outsiders, all us deplorables, all us losers, all us morons. What difference at this point does it make? Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. Which is why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. That's why I alone can fix it. I am doing my new show guys. I wanted to write a show. That was going to bring the country together. Something we could all laugh about. So it's about politics, guns and abortion. There you go. Yes. Talking about politics in America right now. It's like trying to organize an interracial hoedown in 1840. I say, are you an abolitionist? You Dred Scott will take off the Nat Turner T-shirt or there shall be fisticuffs, you carpetbagger. Yeah, joke number two sounds like history homework, doesn't it? Yeah. Here's what bothered me about the last election. I could not believe we were fighting each other over these idiots. Like half of us wanted this arrogant pantsuit wearing robot. I call her She3PO. And ladies, why was she wearing those square jackets? Was she running his Lego Hillary? And then the other half wanted this arrogant, orange, delusional, Alzheimer's ridden rodeo clown. And that's why we were pissed at each other. People or families were breaking up. You guys do get that we get a new idiot in four years, right? You're gonna need your family to wipe you in 20. Like families were breaking up over Thanksgiving. Is that who you vote for Uncle Phil? Is that who you vote for? Shut the fuck up, grandma. Is that who you vote for Uncle Phil? Well, if that's who you vote for, I hope you get hit by a gas truck. That's right, Uncle Phil. And I hope you don't die. I hope you're lying there and the truck driver's got to revive you, but he's got Ebola and AIDS. That's what I hope happens, Uncle Phil. I hope you get truck driver and Ebola and shut the fuck up, grandma! Hey! I am not gonna shut up. Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year. You want your Nazi kidney back, Uncle Phil? Someone get me a box cutter and some bathtub bourbon right now! Yeah! I'm gonna cut this kidney out. I'm gonna go pee first, Uncle Phil. I couldn't believe how we were treating each other. And then this morning I woke up happy because I realized the comet that's gonna destroy humanity is already on its way. Oh yeah, there's a giant rock coming, people. Oh yeah, it's happened five times in the past. Destroyed everything. It's not God. God's not flipping that rock. Oh, you guys keep dancing on Sunday. I'm gonna jack this place up. You guys better start having sex through a hole in a sheet again or I'm gonna blow torch this place! Only the Mormons are gonna survive this shit. No! There is! There is actually a giant rock in space right now in orbit. One day it's gonna pound into the earth and when it hits, it's gonna destroy a million species instantly. And Kanye. I know, he earned it. Then it's gonna set the atmosphere on fire and that's gonna burn till almost all of us are gone. And the survivors are gonna have to live in an impact winter for an eon till there's only three of us left. Two guys and a girl. And you think they're gonna restart humanity? But no, both guys are gay. So they're gonna kill the girl for food and steal her skinny jeans. And then slowly make their way to Boca Raton, Florida. Where they're gonna live out their final gay days wearing Speedos and shimmying to Katy Perry dance mixes. On a solar powered iPod. And when that last gay man dies, that'll be it for humanity. Everything we have done, everything we have built, gone. Just another grain of sand in an empty universe full of useless effort. And that's how I'm dealing with the election. Oh, come on. You know it was a bad one when a planet killing meteor is my optimistic plan. Oh, come on. I don't care what side you're on. And by the way, there's only one side, American. That's the only side there. But the last four people running for president, my God. I could have picked four better candidates from just throwing a tennis ball into a severe trauma brain injury ward. Just chuck it in. Whoever goes, "Ball!" And giggles, you're our candidate. Come on out. You got a good attitude. You knew what a fucking ball was. Come on. Let's admit it. Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz! Every man in this room knows a guy like Ted Cruz. Who just roams the earth with this sentence constantly playing in his head. No one's going to wipe a booger on me again. No one's going to wipe a booger on me again. And if they do, I'm going to tattle. He had a Hillary who's got this wake of bodies behind her. Allegedly. Allegedly! Allegedly. I'm saying allegedly because I don't want to die in a suspicious one-car accident. I know. Yeah. I know. They're going to find me in an empty parking lot leaning against my car door. Trunk carpet fibers all over my body. A suicide note written in a language I don't speak. Allegedly. Allegedly! And then he had Trump, who was pretty amazing. He made it through the entire election without finishing a fucking sentence. It was insane. Wrong. Didn't happen. Beautiful. Best ever. Reciprocal. Nobody peed on me. Oh, that was almost a sentence. Nice job, dude. Yeah, we have a president with no military experience and no political experience, but he has jazz hands. When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way. What is that? And I have to be honest, I feel bad for you Trump people, because you know damn well every time that man heads towards a microphone, you have anxiety, don't you? And man, how many teleprompter guys have shot themselves in the face working with that dude? Because he's on the speech for a minute. He's like, he's on the speech, he's on the speech, he's on the speech. And then, oh my God, he's going to improv. No! And then you had Bernie. I like Bernie. I thought Bernie was cool. At the end, though. At the end, though, after all that crap, though, didn't Bernie come across like a real grumpy model train enthusiast? Couldn't you just see him in the basement of the White House? Toot, toot! Mr. President Vladimir Putin's on the phone. I told you, don't bother me when I'm playing with my trains. This job takes up all my time, I'd like to keep 1%. Thank you. And I had friends get crazy, too. I had friends after the election, they got real fatalistic, they just started yelling crazy. They were like, good, you know what? I'm glad the insane guy won. Good. Let's just burn it down and start over, man. Good. Let's just nuke the whole thing and begin again. Woo! As fun as that sounds, I don't think it's going to go the way you think. Do you know how people say stupid crap like that? Those damn road warrior movies. Yeah, we think we're going to survive Armageddon. In fact, every man in this room right now believes he's going to be Mad Max in the apocalypse. Every single one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I got seven guns and a case of cliff bars. Follow me, come on, let's go. Hold on, I got to tweet my followers, let me tweet my followers. Go back, because in 2018, we all have followers just like Jesus. Did they help you move? Did they lie for you in court? Then they ain't followers, are they? It's crazy. You guys, you guys do realize what these phones have done to us now. Selfie, selfie, selfie. Is it any surprise we elected the most narcissistic human being on the planet? Selfie, selfie, selfie. Get some damn friends. Take some themies and usies. Come on, goddammit. Take more wheezees. You get who we are now, right? We now take pictures of ourselves to send to people we don't know to see what they think about us. Did you get that picture of me that I took of me? It's on my Instagram under ChristopherTitus.me. Please comment on me. Like me. Follow me. You know who does that? Psychopaths! That's who does that! And by the way, uh, yeah. If you want to follow me on Twitter, it's @TitusNation. Or... The Real Christopher Titus on Facebook. This is road more. And by the way, gentlemen, you don't want to be Mad Max. Bad Max is always half a criminal. He's always busted up. Looks like Rob Zombie after a bad whitewater rafting accident. You know? He's always got a leg brace, you know, eye patch made out of his old kneecap. He's got a hole blown through his head that he stuffed with a booby trap grenade. So when he gets caught, he can say cool things like, "Go ahead, pull the pin. You'll blow both of mine." He's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy with metal sticking off of it. Some drifter chained to it following him through the wasteland. Oh, the guy can't ride in the dune buggy because Mad Max's dog sits in the passenger seat. His two-legged dog that they haven't killed for food yet, because it's still got one good front left leg and one good right back leg. So it balances like a shitty table at a Chinese restaurant. I want that dog, honestly. Those road war movies, I think they're trying to get us ready for Armageddon. And how come everybody has a cool haircut in the apocalypse? All those movies, we can't find clean drinking water, but everybody gets a mohawk. Or spikes or shade with your name in it. So army rangers and navy seals didn't make it through the apocalypse, but somehow stylists pulled it off. I was at the shampoo station. I heard a noise. I hid it under a desk. I don't know what happened. Now I'm changing this asshole's dune buggy. I don't get this at all. What are we doing? And that last road war movie, Fury Road. Fury Road aside, gentlemen, there are no hot babes in the apocalypse. Oh, no. All the skinny hot chicks died of malnutrition, lack of moisturizer, and chapstick. That's right. And all that's left is those tube-titty bison females that used to roam the cheese aisle at Walmart. And they're not around either. They'
