a couple more things i want to do before i go first of all uh i'm on twitter and i'm proud of it i know some of you are resisting it but you just have to give in it's the wave of the future and the longer you resist it the more painful it's going to be when you jump in and when you do jump in you're going to ask yourself in a very important question you're going to be like am i going to want to read doug benson's tweets am i going to want to follow this guy and be have my day interrupted with his and to help you make that decision i've selected a few of my favorite things that i've written on twitter it's 140 characters or less that's what i love about it it's very short short short writing style and uh here's what you'll read if you follow me on twitter here's the kind of things you'll see me saying on there i don't like walking around with change in my pocket because then i have to spend all day lying to homeless people turns out my new pet rooster is an early riser got a massage today it's like the masseuse knew instinctively that i hold all of my tension in my that octo mom woman is slash has the world's largest vagina and then sometimes i go over the line and this would be one of those times i might have been drunk or high or both the participants in an aids run would probably break records if they were actually running from aids i totally warned you guys I like to drink. I'm not going to lie. I think drinking is great, you know, and there's great rules regarding drinking and what you can and cannot do. And I say go ahead and apply those to weed, you know, and everything will be cool. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't admit that I drank all the time. I love it. This is pure vodka right here. I'm trying to cut back on my drinking because I spend a lot of time in the Midwest and those people, they know how to drink. And it's very difficult to keep up. I was in Columbus, Ohio, recently, and I don't want to say I had too much to drink, but one morning when I woke up, there were crop circles in my pubes. Don't panic. It was just a hoax. It's always a hoax. Couple farmers with a stick. You know the drill. M. Night Shyamalan was there filming the whole thing. Mark Wahlberg was like, there's... I can't do a Mark Wahlberg impression. I was going to try to do a Mark Wahlberg impression. I got inspired and then I blew it. There's crop circles in your pubes. Why are there crop circles in your pubes? That doesn't seem... Why am I looking at your pubes? I spent some time drinking with my grandfather once. That was a weird experience. Drinking with my own grandfather. It was like my future sitting on the barstool next to me. And it did not look good. I was like, you know what, Grandpa? I think I'm drunk. I think I've had enough. And my 85-year-old grandfather actually said to me, You're not drunk until you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off of the earth. I was like, I got to drink to that. That's worth drinking to. I've been working on a new orgasm noise. Yeah, I think I'm not in a relationship, but I think if you are, guys, you should change up your orgasm noise every once in a while. Give your lady something special. She's heard the same grunt year after year. Give her something different. So I've been practicing the noise I'm going to make the next time there's someone else present. I can't wait to bust it out. And this is what it's going to sound like the next time I have an orgasm with a person there. Nice, right? Sexy. What woman wouldn't be proud of herself pulling that reaction out of her man of many years. She'd be like, Damn, my shit is tight, yo. Got it going on till the break of dawn. Got it going on till the break of dawn. Nobody really heckled me. That's always nice when that doesn't happen. I was ready, too. Yeah, I've written two good heckle responses. One for a lady and one for a man. Which are you, sir? I think you're a dude. So do you want to try it? You yell something at me and then I'll use my heckler line on you? Absolutely. All right, let's do it. You go first. I can't use my heckle line on you when you haven't said anything yet. You're so high, that. That's a really weird heckle because... That sounds more like you want me to finish the sentence. Hecklers usually don't leave you an opening. You just go ahead and say the rest of... of what you wanted to say. No, he's a nice guy. He's helping me out. Just, let's go with this, like a standard you suck. Yeah, see, another guy over here wants to do it. He wants your job. He thinks you suck... at yelling, you suck. All right, settle down. All right, try one more time, sir. All right, um... You suck like... We definitely found a stoner. It wasn't hard to find a stoner in this room. Like, if George Bush were here and somebody threw a shoe at him and he ducked, it would hit a stoner. Oh, that's going on the goddamn album for sure. Okay, so this guy over here is going to do it now. Because we don't have time for a third attempt. All right. So anyway, I'm up here, blah, blah, blah. You suck! Oh, yeah? Yeah. Hey, man. I don't bother you when you're working. I don't come down to Burger King and knock the dicks out of your mouth. Okay, now we need a lady heckler. Hey! You know, I don't like to throw around the C word. But you're a cock. I wrote those two a long time ago, and I haven't been heckled in a way that made them possible to be used. So I appreciate your help. Thank you very much. i'm always saying the wrong thing like one time a woman comes up to me and she goes in a very proud manner she says i have a three-legged cat and i was like so big deal most cats have three legs when you think about it right cats with four legs have three legs plus one more leg cats with three legs have three legs the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs and when do you see them out and about never unless they've got like a butt cart or something or a cart butt you can switch those two words around they still essentially mean the same thing cart butt butt cart it's like tugboat boat tug foot big bigfoot i'm obsessed with bigfoot you guys yeah i love bigfoot i think there should be a big foot channel on cable there's a channel devoted to golf and a channel for being gay why not a bigfoot channel and it could be 24 7 they could show harry and the hendersons they could show blurry photographs but here's the best reason to have a bigfoot channel i've already thought of the slogan for the bigfoot channel yeah the slogan for the bigfoot channel could be squatch what happens squatch it you could do a tie-in with swatch and everybody could be wearing squatch watches squatch watch squatch squatch watch watch i'm always coming up with slogans for companies and then not sharing them with them because my slogans are too awesome like you know that uh supermarket chain whole foods i came up with a great slogan for them whole foods for your food hole boom banking is scary right now so i came up with a new slogan for bank of america that reflects the scariness of the times b of a b very of a But I'd like to leave you guys with a story that happened to me when I was out on the road. I was in a place called Columbia, Missouri. And when you do stand-up comedy on the road, there's morning radio where you get up early in the morning and someone takes you to the local radio station, sometimes more than one, and you sit there and talk about yourself and promote the shows that you're going to be doing in that town. And it's a decent system, but you have to get up early, which I do not enjoy. And in this particular case, it was the dead of winter, it was snowing, and they got a young man who, let me jump forward to the end of the story, he's fine. But they got this young man to drive me to the airport in his ramshackle, whatever it was. I don't know what kind of car it was, but I just know that it seemed like it was going to break down at any moment. And he's nervous because, you know, he's driving around. You know, he wants to be a comic, he's driving around a professional comedian, and so he's, like, shaking, and the car's shaking, and it's snowing, and there's traffic, and it's just like, it's just, I'm sitting there going, this isn't going to be good. And he misses the exit for the radio station. He's like, oh man, I'm sorry, I missed the exit. I'm like, don't worry about it, just turn around in this turnout thingy, because it's like a two-lane highway. Turn around in the turnaround thingy, we'll go back the other way, we'll be fine. He pulls into the turnaround thingy, and we're sitting there waiting, looking at the traffic in the other direction, seeing when we can go. And then a car coming from where we just came from, plows into us. Yeah, hits us really hard. We do that spinning around movie thing, where everything goes in slow motion. Like, I'm just sitting there like, and there's, like, glass flying through the air, and feathers. Yeah, feathers flying through the air. And later, me and the paramedics figured out that he was wearing a puffy, one of those North Face jackets, and it got cut open, and that's where the feathers came from. But when it was happening, I was like, glass and feathers? Wow, heaven has got a weird atmosphere to it. So we come to a stop by the side of the road. Fortunately, we got clean knocked off of the road, which was good. I'm looking around at myself, and I'm perfectly fine. But his side of the car is completely smashed in, and he's, like, trapped in there, you know, and the seatbelt's, you know, on him in a way that he's, like, he can't move, and there's a little blood coming out of his mouth. I'm like, oh, man, this is horrible. Fortunately, somebody that witnessed it called 911, and then, so the paramedics and everybody showed up, and they pulled him out of the car, and they put the neck brace on him, and he seemed to be fine, but, you know, they do all that stuff just to be safe. They put the neck brace on him, and they put him on one of those flat boards, you know, and then they pushed him into the back of the ambulance. And this kid that I had just met, like, the night before, I've only known, I've known for less than, you know, 17 hours, is being pushed in an ambulance, into an ambulance, and I'm standing over him, and he looks up at me and says, I guess I'm not having the best week ever. And now he's an intern at The Daily Show, and was even in a sketch on the air one night, so it worked out all good, and you guys have been so awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. Good night. Doug Benson, ladies and gentlemen. Bonus tracks! Bonus tracks! So, what I'd like to do now, what I'd like to do now is just a few more jokes that will be in the bonus tracks section, where somebody has to just keep listening like a weirdo, and then suddenly they'll hear me yell, bonus tracks! And then, and then there'll be a few more jokes. I just want to do a few that I hope you enjoy. It's great to be here on this Fergalicious occasion. I just got a new word-a-day calendar, and I like to use that day's word in a sentence. Today's word was occasion, so I feel pretty good about saying occasion. Have you ever been waiting across the street in one of those chirping crosswalks for the blind, where, like, it starts chirping like a bird, it's like, chirp, chirp, chirp, and you know it's time to cross the street? Don't you ever worry that at some point, some blind dude's gonna be at an intersection where that is not available, but there's a actual bird chirping? No? I'm no scientist, but I think second-hand smoke has been overhyped. My mom smoked cigarettes the entire time she was pregnant with me, and look at how I flum-flam-a-marmal. That's a good bonus track. We just nailed a good bonus track, you guys. That's right. Hang on, there's more. This is an alternate TiVo joke for people who are like, that first TiVo joke didn't totally do it for me, but I sure would like to hear another TiVo joke. I
