Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Do You Believe in Gosh?' (2008) by Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 13/13.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. My girlfriend works at Hooters in the kitchen. You know Benihana? They twist their knives and throw them up and they fucking cop some shit. Get Benihana to go. It's totally pointless. You go pick it up. Did the dude do all that shit? Are you sure? Because if you didn't, I don't want that. I got a drive-thru restaurant by my house. They say, we'll get your fast food, drive-thru food to you in 30 seconds or less.
That's too fucking fast, man. I didn't think they could top it. But you know what they did? Because the last time I was there, I saw a dude who looked like me eating what I was going to order. like you, motherfucker. We ordered a lot of chicken fingers, man. It was about 10 chicken hands, if you... I want a chicken thumb! They must be accumulating. No one ever orders them. I love carrot juice, but you know, I went to this one store, and I said, you got any carrot juice?
He goes, you mean orange? I said, no, carrot. He goes, no, well, carrots don't have juice, and he threw me a carrot. He goes, twist this. Fuck, he's right. What's that orange shit I've been enjoying? One time I was supposed to be on David Letterman, and it was the same night that Madonna was on, and Madonna went long, so I got bumped. But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage, so it was still cool. It was already cut up into bite-sized pieces.
I got paid $900 to eat cantaloupe. That's fucking unprecedented. I rubbed that shit in my dad's face. I said, you've never been paid that much to eat cantaloupe. You always have to do it for free. I like Texas, because Texas is the only state ballsy enough to have its own toast. I love Texas toast, but I do not have a Texas toaster. I've got to stuff that shit in. Texas toast, man. Fucking Idaho potatoes, Denver omelet shit.
Colombian coffee. Have some breakfast. You know the jellyfish are dangerous. Unless they're from smuckers, then you want them to swim towards you. There's a jellyfish. Get away. Oh, it's from smuckers. Swim towards me and land on this English muffin. Now, if you're a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture. You can't be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump.
I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies. One anchovy fucks it up for the rest. You taste like shit, I know. Now, if you like anchovies, fucking go. Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races. Because you'd be there fucking days. You can't have seaweed as a houseplant because you'd have to water it way too much. Hey, Mitch, you want to go out?
No, I had to water the seaweed. Till when? Till forever. I ran some Evian water through a filter. Till when the shit disappeared. It was so fucking pure. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. You know what during the summer they say drinks are ice cold? That would suck if a drink was ice cold. Because that would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's the pyramid, just ice cold.
God damn it. I guess I can lick it. I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down. This one commercial said, forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did. And it was a load off my mind. And the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what the fuck they were. I don't know what the fuck they were. You know, I read last year that MTV's Real World, they got 40,000 applications.
That's amazing, man. It's such an even number. Shit. The Guinness Book of World Records was just listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the book that has the most world records in it. Some guy laughed at that pretty hard. Me and that dude are hanging hard. I got a jump rope. That thing's just a rope, man. You got to make the jump thing happen. There's a smart ass over there. I can feel it.
I had a piece of carefree sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in. I took it back to the store and said, Bullshit! Hey, if you have dentures, do not use artificial sweetener because you will get a fake cavity. I can read minds, but it's pointless because I'm illiterate. I know what you're thinking. If I could read... I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. I thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it, but it was not to be.
I asked directions to the store. I asked directions to the store. This guy said, Oh, that's just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Well, that's not how I'm getting there. You got directions for those who are walking? I like it when they say a movie's inspired by a true story because that's weird. It means the movie's not a true story. It was just inspired by a true story. Hey, Mitch, did you hear the story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drowned?
Yes, I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla. I wrote down tea ski. What the fuck kind of joke is that? I have no clue. Tea ski? What the fuck? Oh, yeah, I remember. I want to go to a lake and put tea bags in there for like a hundred of them for like a week. And then I'm going to tea ski. Yeah, man, I'm sick of seeing squirrels on water skis. Shit. You better get off the water sports, dude.
Winter is approaching. You better bury some walnuts. Or acorns. Fuck, I fucked up. Acorns. Those little nuts with a cap. Acorns like a nut that's in winter. Has a hat on it with a little beanie top. Acorns are fucking cute. How come we don't eat acorns? They're a nut, right? We eat walnuts and almonds. All right, thanks for the answer. All right, thanks for the answer. Now in Italy not Italy. Yeah, actually it is Italy.
It's Venice Italy. They don't have streets. They have canals So in Italy Venice Italy, we got to keep the kids off the canals In Venice if you're not book smart, but you do know what's going on you are canal smart. I got canal smarts bitch I was writing a letter. I had a problem. I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know Just start spelling it then quit." I was at the airport.
I put my bag on the x-ray machine. I found out that my bag has cancer It only has six more months to hold shit. I play guitar. I taught myself how to play guitar Which was a bad decision because I didn't know how to play it So I was a shitty teacher I would never have went to me They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable. It's just they taste shitty I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch the Flintstones and go man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy That's dumb, man.
That's dumb That joke's retarded I walked by a record store to sign out front said they specialize in hard-to-find records and tapes Nothing was alphabetized I saw I was downtown in a some town and they had a store store store then there was an open area Then they had more stores and it said in the open area coming soon the gap. I'm like fuck man It's coming soon and it's already here try not to smile on stage but it's fun performing is fun i i spilled some vodka on the carpet yesterday so we vacuumed it then the vacuum was drunk the hoover could not vacuum in a straight line that's a retarded joke i know but uh it's all right a vacuum store is just like a guitar store there's a bunch of vacuums hanging in the window to entice the vacuumist but they do not attract the same clientele as a guitar store because if they did the vacuum store would be loaded with a bunch of broke who just wanted to run the new vacuums let me try out that hoover let me see a hundred bucks my second cd is in stores when you have a cd in stores you have to do in-store appearances if nobody shows up i just pretend like i'm shopping that's how i shop i sit behind a table with a pen too many l's in it god damn it lul is almost all else l-u-l-l thank god for that you to break up l is one letter away from being four l's in a what whatever i thought i had a concept there but then i realized nope you do not see some of these jokes need work they're like half there unfortunately you had to miss out on the good half i am stiff medusa has looked at me i'm turning into a pillar of salt that'd be funny if like you know how medusa if you looked at her you turned into a pillar of salt like if you're eating and like this isn't very salty hey dude look at that snake-haired bitch thank you i'd like to make eye contact but it's salty enough Thank you, sir.
Man, you guys always hand me the vodka in the hottest glass possible. I mean, I guess it's sanitary. Started out as cheers, then after a drink ate it, ended in, I want my money back. Sometimes when you're too drunk on stage, people get mad, you know, they say, can I get my money back? That'd be funny if people could get their money back for other shit when I was really drunk. Like, I saw Mitch Hedrick, he was drunk, and I want to return this saw.
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that shit smells good. A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. I got a belt that's holding up my pants, but it's fucking heavy, so it's weighing them down. If it weren't for the belt, my pants would be okay. But my pants, my belt holds up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there?
Who is the real hero? My hair needs some gel. Gel's funny. You wash your hair, then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up. I like when they say shampoo's volumizing, because, man, my hair is fucking quiet. I want to hear what it has to say. Shampoo is like, quit combing us, because that hurts. Oh, fuck. I'm not going to listen to you bitches much longer. I want to get disappearing ink that reappears later.
You spray it on someone, fuck him, Mitch! Ah, you fucker. Ten minutes later, fuck him, Mitch! You know when you go to a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out. You turn on the H knob, cold water comes out. It's like, fuck, you cheap bar. But I can accept that. But I just want to know what H stands for now.
C obviously stands for cold. H must stand for ha-ha, dude. You thought this shit was hot, but it is not. Now go spread some germs. I want to walk around with an airplane-sized bottle of booze, those little ones, and act like I'm a raging alcoholic. Look, bitch! I need my medicine. Fuck you. I need another one of those. You got $1.75. I need another one of those. You got $1.75. I need another one of those.
anyone here watch ESPN classic yeah I did I saw a baseball game on there that the guy hit a foul ball fucking classic man I want to have a show that's called where are they now but it's about people who are really easy to find Jay Leno where are they now still in Burbank man remember that movie the outsiders then that one of the guys name was soda pop and at the time it was cool it's not cool right now your nickname was soda pop you would be dead all right that goes out to the old-timers I told the crowd last night to fuck off but then I felt bad so I said all right fuck back on I re-invited him I collect stamps the easiest way to collect stamps is to not mail shit how's the stamp collection going pretty good ever since I stopped corresponding with you you know batteries make shit seem substantial don't you think if you take the batteries out of a radio it's like this thing is a piece of shit actually you put the batteries back is like oh yeah that has got the weight I need it's all electronics no it ain't it's fucking batteries the things a plastic piece of shit with one wire that goes to the battery to the operation board I know I don't know what I was singing there it's a new song baby it's called operation board I never had a piggy bank but one time I had some bacon that tasted an awful lot like change come on fuckers I want to walk off this stage feeling pride I'm selling t-shirts after the sho