It's great to be in Austin. The last show I had was in Atlanta. My travel agent made a mistake and booked me in a bad part of Atlanta called Atlanta. That one is right over the plate, that one. That is straight show business, that one. I don't know if you can picture this friendly-faced fellow in a bad part of Atlanta, but I was just like, oh, no. And I don't know if you've ever been driving around a sketchy neighborhood and you do what I do and start telling yourself that it's you, that you're judging the neighborhood inappropriately. That's what I did. I was like, stop it. It's fine. It's different. I like it. It's just different. Thank you. What a vibrant community. Check cashing places. What a wonderful service. Those should be everywhere. Thank you very much. Oh, a cash for gold. Thank you so much. Finally a place to get rid of this goddamn chest of gold I have. For I be a pirate back from Voyage. Thank you. I knew it was a bad area because I saw a pimp. It's 11 a.m. I saw a pimp. How do I know it was a pimp? Picture a pimp. You got it. Don't alter your first draft of pimp in the least. I saw a man head to toe in a furry purple suit. A glass cane with a living squid in it. And Kung Lao's hat from Mortal Kombat. I saw a pimp. Like the idea of a man who went to a costume shop, rented the pimp, and then proceeded to actually pimp within it. And then never return it, as is the pimp's way. Then I got to my hotel. I don't know if you're still playing the picture at game, but it's not like a Doubletree. It's like an abandoned building someone had spray-painted the word hotel on. Two E's. Put them wherever it tickles you. I'm checking in behind three feet of bulletproof glass. I still think it's going to be a delightful stay. I'm asking what the Wi-Fi password is. What is it? What? It's hard to hear you through this protective casing. It's stab me. How odd. Stab underscore. There's an underscore. Stab underscore me. Thank you so much. Then it hits me. This has nothing to do with me or my perception of this area. This is a messed up area. I don't care who you are. You need to get the fuck out of this area. So I'm in the middle of the transaction. I didn't know what to say. I had my roller bag and I was just like, never mind. And it just rolled out. I'm in the parking lot. It's 11 a.m. It already looks like a Bone Thugs-In-Harmony video. I don't want to go to the crossroads just yet. So this is the most cowardly, lamest, most pathetic thing I've ever done in my life. I got in my rental car. Kia Sorento. Already pretty lame. Terrified. No idea where I was. No idea where I needed to go. Turned on the GPS. Hand trembling. Just knew I needed to get far, far away from there. Typed in Barnes & Noble. I feel some of you are not sure if you can laugh at that joke. And I feel that same percentage, filing that away is a viable option to get out of a sketchy neighborhood. It worked. It worked. I could have done Panera. I could have done Apple Store. 15 minutes later, I had a scone. Do you understand? You're welcome. It's not my finest moment. I think I'm getting too comfortable swearing. I recently told my doctor that I don't really fuck with cheese. That's true. I was in a doctor's office in the morning and he was like, tell me about your diet. I was like, pretty good. Don't really fuck with cheese. Maybe pump the brakes, old peaty pants. Maybe pump the brakes. Maybe pump the brakes. Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes! Thank you so much! Oh my God, thank you so much! Austin, Texas, how's it going? Lake Show, great to see you. Look at this, look at how the spotlight follows me. I feel bad for the front row, it's like the sun rising on you. Look at this. Just for you guys. Austin, Texas. Yeah, one of my favorite towns. I saw one of my favorite things about Austin, Texas. One of my favorite restaurants has one of my favorite signs. Perhaps you've seen it. It's a barbecue joint. It has a sign that says, "No need teef." Teef. T-E-E-F. I'm not making this up. "No need teef to eat our beef." That's a real sign. That exists. I walked past that. This is a weird town, guys. You have a Whole Foods that you can drink white wine in the middle of it. You also have a barbecue joint that caters to the teef-less. It's a weird place. Guys walking around with a beard of B, just like, "I don't have teef, but I love cow!" Only problem though, these places don't cater to the no-teef wallet. They definitely have teef-having prices. Do you understand? A guy with no-teef goes in there. He probably doesn't have the coin to throw down for this premium barbecue. He's like, "Huh, do you accept eye contact?" Beat it, no-teef. Scram. I was recently home in Boston, Massachusetts, where my mother, Irina, referred to the singer Celine Dion. Listen to me now. She referred to the singer Celine Dion as Salon Dijon. I honestly don't know why we're not all doing backflips right now. Salon Dijon was said to me in a room with air in it. I heard it, remembered it, and brought it to the show. That is a gift. I haven't even added anything. It's like a cat bringing a dead bird. It's a treasure. And it wasn't like this. It wasn't like, "Peter, who's that singer?" French-Canadian, I don't know. Salon Dijon? I don't know. What's her name? I don't know. Salon? Is that it? Salon Dijon? I don't know. It wasn't like that. It was like this. Peter, your father got me tickets to my favorite recording artist. Salon Dijon. Just an expensive mustard rinse of a performer. I love Salon. I hope she plays my favorite song from my favorite movie, Big Boat Iceberg. That's my favorite movie. Starring my favorite actor, Leonardo DiPizza Place. He is a dream. Here, there, under the stairs. I love the lyrics. None of those are the lyrics, Mom. I love the lyrics. So I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe, I am a friendly fellow. Kind of guy that likes to get to the airport a couple hours early, get a few white wines in me and start telling old people they still got it. That's the kind of... High-fiving babies, that sort of thing. I don't feel like I belong in comedy. People going out, drinking slippery American cocktails, having sex after. I don't belong in the nightclub scene. Look at me. This face doesn't... How are you doing? Fixed your taillight while you were sleeping. No charge. That's... I don't belong in a comedy club. I like to think that there are millions and millions of different universes, each slightly different from the last. And this universe, the one we're all in currently, is the only one where I'm not a youth pastor. Does that resonate with you? I shouldn't be on a fancy stage right now. I should be in a carpeted gymnasium with an acoustic guitar with a rainbow strap, just like... Who wants to rap about the Lord? Let's do this. Let's get some testimonies going. Tyler, I love those testies, buddy. Break out those testies. But no one will tell me why that's funny. Yeah! Corny guy. Corny guy. I always like doing something silly up top to kind of look at it like comedy stretching. Remind me to not take any of this too seriously. It's just a silly job. So I'd like to do Pierce up top, if any of you are familiar with... What a weird world. You guys know Pierce? Yes, we do. We're going to do Pierce. For those of you who don't know Pierce, I feel like expectations are getting up high. Go ahead and lower them. Nothing is about to happen. So this is it. This is my impression of a guy asking his friend Pierce to get beers for a party. Okay? Starts with a door opening. For no reason. Pierce! Pierce! Pierce, get beers, Pierce! Pierce, get beers! And music, Pierce! Tears for fierce, Pierce! Go to Sears, Pierce! Free tears for Pierce! If you don't do that in the shower alone tomorrow, you're dead inside. That's how that works. Make up your own. Just be like, I haven't seen you in years, Pierce! Live your life. No one else is going to tell you to. We did an old one to do a new one. This is a new Pierce. This is a guy. It's just as stupid. This is a guy telling his Latino friend that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak. Okay? Guy telling his Latino friend that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak. We won one, one. We won, one, one! One, we won, one! We finally won, one, one! Where were you when we won, one, one? We finally won, one, one! One is what we won, one, one is what we won. It was one to one for the longest time, one! Then we won, one, one! Penalty kicks. If that doesn't unlock the safe where you keep your joy, maybe lube up the dial a little bit. Just a little bit. For yourself. For yourself. This next one, I have no idea if it's going to work. This is a newer joke, and I'm not sure if it's too mean. Because this is a weird feeling I've had. I'm a nice person. I'm a nice guy. I don't know. Just kind of like the kind of person you want to introduce to your parents. Like, I'm hanging out with this guy. Like, hi, nothing illegal. Hey. No pills or powders here. Hey, good looking. I'm a friendly guy. If your name's Anna, I'm calling you Banana. That's the kind of guy I am. That's who we're dealing with. That's part A. Part B, every girlfriend I've ever had, I've secretly hated her friends. Don't abandon me. Please don't betray me here. I know that's a weird thing, and some of you are on dates, and you can't laugh. Fine. I'll be the whipping boy. This is a weird secret I've had in every relationship. Thank you for nodding your head, sir. God love you. Every girlfriend. Why? Let me break it down for you. You meet a girl. What an exciting thing. You fall in love with a girl. And hey, she loves you, too. How magical. That's great. You found a girl. And then suddenly there's just six fucking other girls. Like, hey, I'm Tiffany. Fucking beat it, Tiffany. I don't give a shit. I'm from Pennsylvania. Can I light you on fire? Is that something I can do? And my girlfriend always secretly hates her friends, too. The second we're alone, she's like, I know. Susie's a fucking bitch. I hate Susie. Susie walks in. Hey, Susie. You hate Susie, too. We both hate Susie. And my girlfriend's parents, too. Always hate them. I'm sorry. I know that's unpopular. It's weird. Always hate them. Why would I like them? You fall in love with a girl. Then there's just two random old people. Like, hello. How you doing? Scram. You're in the way. What, are we going to hang out? Maybe we could all find a movie we could all enjoy. Maybe we could ingest grenades. Is that something we can do? They want to get all friendly? Call me dad. Call me dad. I'm full up on dads. Already got a dad. And I've never been with my parents and been like, I got to double up on this shit. Never. And they hate me, too. It's a facade. They hate me, too. We're all pretending to like each other. Go to Cheesecake Factory. Like, so, Peter, what was your major in college? I fuck your daughter. Is that a major? I minored in I'm rough with your baby angel. Is that? And we're going to sit here like chums? If your dad's best friend fucked his daughter, he'd kill that man with a shovel. But we're going to split a dessert? It's a lie. Okay. I've been playing a lot of old-school video games. I got an emulator for my computer, so I've been playing a lot of Double Dragon. Yeah, remember that? Streets of Rage 2, Final Fight. Been playing all these games. And I've been playing them and also cracking myself up with the following fantasy that I think would be fun for us to imagine together. The idea of a character from one of those side-scrolling games going to the doctor? Already laughing. Because he's making artistic choices. It's a video game character, like Hagar going to the doctor. How are you picturing it? Is it a human doctor? Maybe it's Dr. Mario. These are your artistic choices. But I can't stop laughing at the idea of Hagar going to the doctor and the doctor being like, Hey, hey, Hagar, how you doing? Pretty good. And what have you been up to, man? What's been going on? I've
