Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Just Sell Him For Parts' (2016) by Bill Engvall on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: I'm Funny Because of Grandma | Bill Engvall.

Bill Engvall

Just Sell Him For Parts

Normally when I do shows like this, you know, I interview with the newspapers or the radio statements or whatever, and they always ask me the same question, they go, well, Bill, is your family funny? I always say, no. No, my family's crazy and that makes me funny. And the Yngvall clan has had crazy covered for a number of decades. My grandparents, when they were alive, God bless their hearts, my grandmother was just crazy as a loon.
Wonderful woman you ever meet in your life, but she just loved to talk. She talked to y'all, that mic stand, the stool, these walls. And they all lived in one little town in Texas, a little town called Georgetown, Texas. And my parents lived there, my sisters lived there, my grandparents lived there when they were alive. And Gail, my wife, and I, we both went to college in that little town. So when I was in college, you know, I'd go over to Grandma and Grandpa's house because it was a free, good meal.
And that was the one thing I learned in college. And I'd go over there and it'd be the same scenario every day. There'd be my granddad sitting in his favorite chair with the newspaper up. My grandmother would just be walking through the house talking. And I'd egg it on. I'd say, well, how are you doing today, Grandma? She goes, well, Billy, I'm doing all right, I guess. They're not shoveling dirt on top of me.
I guess that's a good day. I said, what'd you do today? She goes, well, Bill, I went to the beauty shop today. I said, oh, really? She goes, oh, yes. And I saw Betsy there. And Betsy was getting herself a bouffant hairdo. Now, Bill, I don't know why she'd get a bouffant hairdo, because she's got a fat face. Well, yeah, you'd think a woman with a fat face would want that hair hanging all down in front of her face.
But no, she pulls it all on top of her head. Now, she's got a big, fat bun of hair with those big, fat cheeks. I think she's lost her mind. Oh, and did I tell you this? They bought a new car. They got a new, she wanted a Chevy, but they talked her into a Ford. She wanted a black Chevy, but the dealer man said, oh, man, black shows up dirt too much. You need a brown car. So now, instead of a pretty black Chevy, she's got an ugly brown Ford with that fat-faced bouffant hairdo.
I think she's lost her mind. And my granddad would just go, mm-hmm. I'll tell you a story about them. When they were getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, my grandmother said to my granddad, she said, Ray, I want you to go to Macy's and get yourself a suit, because it's a big anniversary, and I want you dressed up. And my granddad's like, I ain't wearing no damn suit. I ain't ever wore one, ain't gonna wear one now.
Because you've got to know who my granddad was. It was boots, overalls, and no shirt. All right. Yeah. And that was church. Yeah. But, you know, grandma ruled the house, so she got him to go get a suit, and they had their anniversary. Well, everything was great. Well, unfortunately, about nine months later, granddaddy passed away. And we were sitting at the funeral home, me and my grandmother. And the funeral director said to my grandmother, she said, ma'am, what would you like Ray buried in?
And my grandmother looked at me and said, well, we bought him that suit. I guess I'll just bury him in that. And I remember thinking, this poor man can't catch a break dead. So we buried granddaddy, and after the funeral, I was having coffee with my grandmother. And I said, now, grandma said, listen to me. I said, people are going to start calling the house now, and they're going to ask for granddaddy, but they don't really want him.
I said, they just want to make sure he's gone, they're going to try to sell you some kind of scam to get in your stocks or your savings. I said, so do me a favor. When they call, you just tell them that granddaddy's in the garden, or he's gone into town, or he'll be back later, and they can call back and talk to him then. And I said, trust me, they won't call back. Well, I went on home. Well, about a year later, I was back in town visiting my parents.
I stopped by to see grandma, and we were sitting there having coffee. And she said, well, honey, you were right. I said, about what? She said, those folks called all the time. I said, I told you they would. She said, this one fellow, he called once a week for six weeks. I said, well, what did he want? And she goes, well, that's what I wanted to know. She said, so the next time he called, I said, young man, you have called this house once a week for six weeks.
Can I ask what this is about? And he said, he said, oh, yes, ma'am. He said, I'm sorry. He said, I'm from Macy's, and I'll just come see our Raisin Joy in his suit. And I started laughing, and I said, what did you say, grandma? And she goes, well, I didn't want to lie to him because the Lord don't like liars. So I just said, well, young man, we can't get it off him. And she wasn't lying. Now I'll tell you what my dad told me on them.
As they got older, you know, grandma and grandpa, they couldn't get out of the house much, so dad put them on this group called Meals on Wheels, which is a wonderful organization that serves meals as senior citizens in the homebound. Well, as grandma got older, she started visiting people on other planets we didn't know existed. And one day their Meals on Wheels lunches was late, and my grandmother got so mad, she called 911 to complain.
Wouldn't you have loved to have heard that phone conversation? 911, what's your emergency? Well, we're about to damn starve to death. That's what the damn emergency is. Ma'am, is there anybody dead there? There's going to be two dead people if we don't get some sandwiches real quick. Well, my father told me this story. Well, y'all, I'm a comedian. You cannot hand me a loaded gun like that and not think it's not going to go off at some point.
Well, my grandparents passed away about 15 years ago. Well, one morning a couple of years back, I got up and I called my house. Well, remember, that's one little small town in Texas. And my mom answered the phone. And she goes, hello? And I said, Ms. Zingvall? She said, yes. I said, this is Sergeant Johnson with the Georgetown Police Department. She said, oh, my God, is everything all right? And I said, oh, yes, ma'am, I'm sorry.
Everything is fine. I said, listen, we're just clearing out our books for the end of the year. And we noticed that we had to send emergency vehicles out to your mother-in-law's house because she called 911 about their meals on wheels lunches being late. And my mother goes, you need to speak to my husband. I mean, she threw him right under the bus. There was no, we're sorry. We'll make it okay. It's his mama.
Deal with him. And I said, well, is he home? And she said, well, yes, officer, he is, but he's in the shower. And I said, well, ma'am, if you could get him, that'd be great. And she goes, well, all right. And she sets the phone down. Well, you know when folks set the phone down, you can still hear the conversation. And I hear my mother go, Bill, it's the police. They want to talk to you about your mother.
And I hear my father yell from the shower, my mother's dead. And my sweet little mother, who never raised her voice, went, I know that. Get on the phone. Well, now I'm about to wet my pants. Because I have a visual of my father dripping wet, holding the towel, going, why the damn police call my house on Saturday morning about my mother's been dead for 15 years. But my friends, he got on that phone, and he was nice as pie.
He goes, hello. And I'm trying to keep it together. And I said, Mr. Ingvall? He said, yes. I said, this is Sergeant Johnson with the Georgetown Police Department. He goes, well, how are you today, officer? I said, well, I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking. He said, what can I do for you today? I said, well, sir, I hate to bother you and your family on this beautiful Saturday. I said, but we're just clearing out our books for the end of the year, and we noticed we had to send emergency vehicles out to your mother's house because she called 911 about their meals on wheels, lunches being laid.
And he goes, officer, that woman was crazy. This is mom he's talking about. And I said, well, sir, that may well be, but that's not our department. I said, listen, we just got the issue of a little bit of a fine, and we'll get out of your hair. He said, well, what's the fine for? And I said, well, sir, we had to send a fire truck and an ambulance out there because we thought something was wrong. He said, oh, yeah, I get that.
He said, how much is a fine? I said, well, that depends. He said, on what? And I said, sir, do you remember what they had for lunch that day? And there was a pause. So I figure he's on to me. You know, he's going to go, Bill, shut up. And he goes, I'm sorry? I said, well, whatever they had for lunch that day will determine on how big or little the fine is. And he said, well, I've never heard of that.
And I said, well, it's something new we're trying. He said, well, how does it work? And I said, well, funny you should ask. I said, all right, sir, let's say they had a bowl of sugar. Well, that fine's only like $10. But they had like a meatloaf sandwich. Sir, you ever done this? Your wife cooks your meatloaf on a Monday night. Well, then that next day you cut your cold slab of meatloaf with mustard, mayonnaise, pickles, lettuce, onions.
He goes, oh, I love them sandwiches. I said, well, that's going to be a little more money. Can you understand that? And he goes, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Really? And this is an educated man. He's not some rube from the sticks. So I said, so if you could think what they had for lunch that day, we'll get this whole mess cleared up and you can go on with your weekend. He goes, boy, I'm just trying to think, officer.
He goes, I don't remember what they had for lunch that day. I said, well, maybe your wife knows. And he goes, hey, good idea. He goes, hey, Mary, what'd they have for lunch that day? She goes, hell, I don't know. That was 15 years ago. He said, officer, we can't remember what they had for lunch that day. That was just too far back. I said, boy, I said, we really want to get this cleared up, sir. I said, just think really hard.
I mean, did they have a salad? Because, well, then that's only like $15. But if they had like a turkey sandwich. Now, sir, you ever done this? Your wife cooks you Thanksgiving dinner. Well, then that next day, he takes some of that turkey with some dressing and cranberry sauce. He goes, oh, hell, that's my favorite sandwich of all. I said, well, that's going to be a hell of a lot more money. He goes, I bet it is.
And I'm not even disguising my voice. This is his only son speaking to him. So I said, so just, sir, think really hard, man. What was it they had for lunch that day? And we'll get this whole thing cleared up. And you can go on with your weekend. He goes, officer, he goes, look, I'm going to tell you right now. He goes, I can't remember what they had for lunch that day. That's just too far back. He goes, let me do this.
He said, why don't I pay the larger of the amounts of fine and that'll cover everything. And I said, sir, I wish we had more folks like you in the world. But you can see how that screw up our books, right? And he goes, oh, hell yeah, I guess it would, wouldn't it? Yeah. I finally went, dad, it's me. And he went, go to hell. Yeah. Thank you. and we kept going on well now we're a week away from the finals and we had to learn two dances in one week we'd learned the cha-cha and we'd learn the Argentine tango so we're Emma and I are in the dance rehearsal hall and we're rehearsing the cha-cha and all of a sudden Emma goes Bill can you do a cartwheel I said Emma I'm 58 yes I can do a cartwheel and I did one and she was oh my god this is brilliant Bill they'll love this we'll do the move we'll cha-cha in front of them you do the cartwheel they'll eat it up and I'm doi