Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Daniel Sloss Live Shows: DARK' (2018) by Daniel Sloss on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Daniel Sloss: DARK - Say it With Flowers.

Daniel Sloss

Daniel Sloss Live Shows: DARK

I was about 13 years old, and on the anniversary of my sister's death, every year, obviously it becomes a very sad time in our house, just as we all remember this life that was taken away far, far too young. And I go upstairs to check on my mum to see how she's doing, and, you know, she's doing how you'd expect. She's in her room, surrounded by flowers and cards, and she's just crying, just crying as hard as a mother who's lost a child can cry.
I don't know what to do. I'm 13. I don't have the emotional maturity to deal with that. I don't have the emotional maturity now to deal with that. I've got no idea what to do. So I just, I do the British thing, I'm like, I'll make her a cup of tea. And just in my way to leave the room, I turn around to check on her again, and I realise in that moment that my mother is crying, but with laughter. And she's really bucked, tears streaming down her face, and I'm just like, oh, fuck, she's gone insane.
For the life of me, I cannot work out why my mother is laughing so hard. I'm like, what's so funny? And she's laughing too hard. I'm like, what's so funny? And she just thrusts this bouquet of flowers into my hands. And I'm like, haaaah, flowers. To my darling Jennifer, I love you with all of my heart. These past four years have been the best of my life. Here's to the rest of our lives together. Yours forever, Michael.
I don't think these are for us. And just between our laughs, my mum finally manages to say, no. But can you imagine what was written on the card that Jennifer got? Ladies and gentlemen, you're in a pleasure. I've been Dias Loss. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. now the reason I know so much about gay animals is because I have a friend that works at Edinburgh Zoo and she invited me along to feed the penguins and I got in there and she was giving me the tour she's like this is where they eat and this is where they sleep and this is where they swim and these are our two gay penguins and I went what she went these are our two gay penguins I was like I'm sorry one more time these are our two gay penguins and I was like why did you show me anything else fucking wasting my time with antelopes tell the rest of the animals to take the day off this is the zoo now I'm like what do you mean they're gay she said they're gay I'm like how and the reason there are gay penguins is the best reason I've ever heard as an audience can you tell the difference between a male and female penguin no neither can most male penguins and penguins mate for life so what happens is one penguin will be walking along just minding those on business and he'll drop his keys or I don't fucking know but he'll bend over to pick him up and then another penguin who's not been paying attention will turn around and be like I am and then he'll go back and he'll low-five all of his penguin friends because penguins can't high-five and then the first penguin will stand up turn around and be like dude it's Steve the fuck was that about and the first thing was like ah no oh oh oh well according to penguin law together forever and they spend the rest of their stupid penguin lives together all right now at this point in the story I am on the floor crying with happiness and joy and everything because it's the best thing in the world they're just looking at me like and I'm like adorable homos I love it so much like it can't get better does right a couple of eight years ago came to mating season in the zoo right so all the straight penguins start to have their sex the two gay penguins also start to have their sex a couple months later all the female penguins start to lay their eggs the two gay penguins didn't lay an egg and they were confused by this because they've been doing what everyone else had been doing let's be honest probably more and they didn't have the results to show for it and then their confusion they wandered around their enclosure until they found a rock that was slightly egg-shaped and they just assumed that this was their egg that that's how the system worked so they put it on their feet they waddled it back to the next they then spent the next couple weeks every hour of every day taking it in turns sitting on this rock waiting for it to hatch right which is obviously adorable but only because they're penguins if your friend turned up to your house with a boulder in a stroller you wouldn't be like oh you'd be like get the fuck off my lawn Karen you absolute psychopath I don't care if you've named it you got it from my yard put it back yeah she's back yeah Kevin apparently and the zoo keepers were heartbroken right because zookeepers aren't stupid and they knew that this was not an egg so they devised a plan fortunately sometimes in captivity some female penguins become a little bit promiscuous I don't want to slut shame penguins but some of them love penguin dick oh they love it oh they can't get enough of the good that sorry sorry sorry sorry and sometimes they lay too many eggs and penguins but one-on-one great mothers but they can't really raise more than one or two sometimes they just neglect them to death so the zookeepers took one of the spare eggs and they gave it to the gay penguin parents and if you go to Edinburgh for whatever reason go to the zoo ask any of the zookeepers they'll happily point out here there's at least one penguin in Edinburgh Zoo that has been raised by gay penguin parents and it is no different from any other penguin except that it's slightly better dressed he's got a little bow tie and his name's Sebastian it's not true I imagine Christmas morning as a parent is very difficult, especially if you have young children.
It's Christmas morning, it's 7am, they burst out of their rooms, they run downstairs, they're so happy, they're so filled with joy. It's Christmas Day! It's the most magical day of the year. To them, magic literally happened overnight. They wish for sh*t, sh*t's there. What the f*ck? But you as a parent, you know the time, the money, the organisation, the stress that's gone into making this moment so special.
But when you see that smile on their stupid f*cking face, it makes it all worth it. And who do they thank? Santa. Oh, thank you, Santa, for these presents. Mummy and Daddy, isn't Santa amazing? And as a parent not willing to shatter your child's imagination, you must have to stand there being like, Yeah! Yeah, no, you worked really hard this year, didn't you? The f*ck. You know that disappointment that parents feel in that moment?
That is exactly how doctors feel whenever you thank God. Mr. Darcy, we are delighted to announce that your cancer has gone into remission. Oh my God, this is wonderful news. I know it's been a long, hard journey, but we got there in the end and we all couldn't, couldn't be happier for you. Oh, oh, thank the Lord. What? No, sorry. It's just funny. I just couldn't see his name anywhere on this f*cking chart.
I can see my name right at the top there. Dr. Michael sat with you through two and a half weeks of chemotherapy. You're welcome, by the way. Dr. Connors, her name's there. She spent six hours cutting a tumour out your f*cking love. I've got the names of all the nurses and all the radiologists here. All their names are on this. I just can't seem to find the Lord's name. Anywhere on it. I tell you what, maybe in my haste, to give you the good news, maybe I skim past it.
I'll have another look. Oh, it's so weird. Oh God. He's, but, but, but, but the Lord sent you. I don't think he did. He certainly didn't chip in for that medical degree. In fact, if I remember correctly, you came to me, I diagnosed you and then I specified the treatment. In fact, if I cast my memory even further back, he's the one that gave you cancer. Why? Maybe because you're an ungrateful cunt.
women have to pay for tampons they do and I find that weird like why why like what right because right because right I don't like right we live in a country with free healthcare right all health care is free right cancer treatment that's free right even cancer which you caused yourself that treatment is still free it's something that women have control over the only reason they get it is because 2,000 years ago Eve ate that fucking Apple right that's the only reason they have to think that's not free we're just like fucking eat shit everything else free like as a man I can walk into an SDI clinic and get condoms for free on the off chance that I'm gonna make a mess that very small possibility yet women have to pay for something to control something that's absolutely definitely going to happen in fact the only time it's not going to happen is if I don't use the condoms that I just got for free and then we have much bigger fucking problems on our hands and I can get some of the reasoning behind that and for example women are getting periods way more that I'm getting late hey more once a month five days in a row you're lucky slats I'd be not her you make it your own fucking insult their dickheads I guess more fucked up when you consider the men get erectile dysfunction pills for free on the NHS that's considered a medical condition does anyone know what tampons are classified as someone said over there luxury items listen listen luxury items tampons are a luxury have you ever met a woman on her period it's not the first word that pops into my head I've never looked at the Queen and been like man bet she's got loads of tampons probably up to her nose in them probably uses them as the earplugs the luxurious bitch luxury items very how ballsy do you have to be to call them a luxury I am if you're that confident that they are a luxury item buy them for your girlfriend's birthday see how fucking thrilled she is what did you get me it's a luxury oh I'm gonna cut your throat I'm gonna cut your throat and clean up with these extra absorbent we'll see right because the thing is right look really like how condescending luxury items because the thing is right I will admit I've never seen a woman put a tampon in right I haven't but I don't think they're going I'm a princess like I mean maybe they are I've never seen it I will I wouldn't know but for some reason in my heart of hearts I don't think that's the case I mean you will now sorry that's not going anywhere that's that's always there forever now I don't sell merchandise but I do stay with you