Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'The Half Hour: Sam Morril' (2015) by Sam Morril on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Sam Morril

The Half Hour: Sam Morril

- Racism, it must be learned behavior, right? 'Cause you never meet like a racist baby. Though I would love to. Just an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny racist. What were his first words? We'd rather not say. And for the record, they were taken out of context, okay? - My uncle just got his divorce finalized. My mom called, she's like, "You need to send him a card." I don't think Hallmark makes that card. What would that card look like?
Just a dude sitting in a studio apartment, smiling? You open it up, it says, "We didn't like her either." She sucked. They make the easy cards, Hallmark. Happy birthday, happy anniversary, the easy to articulate cards. It's never a difficult card. Here's a card I'd like to see. Just a picture of Darth Vader shrugging. You open it up, it says, "Turns out I'm not your father." I ran into my biological father recently.
I told my friend, he was like, "Is your biological father a good person?" And I was like, "If he were, I probably would not refer to him as my biological father." Most people say, "Dad." I look exactly like him. I show my friend a picture, he was like, "Oh my God, it's like you guys were separated at birth." We were. I liked a cool dad when I was a kid. My friend's dad would smoke weed with us, and I was like, "This guy is cool," you know?
Now that I'm older, it turns out he is not cool. Turns out he's a grown man that did drugs with children, so quite the opposite. First time I met my biological father, he took me out to lunch, and the place he took me turned out to be a family-style restaurant, which is kind of ironic. "They should make broken family-style restaurants." You just walk in like, "Where's the waiter?" "I think he abandoned us, I don't know, but..."
They forget to come out and sing "Happy Birthday," they're like, "We forgot, but..." "We'll make it up to you next year." Another guy comes out, he's like, "I don't actually work here, I'm just banging the owner, huh? I'll be your step-waiter." "Is that one too real for the crowd? Sorry." I was on the subway, I'm a New Yorker, and I saw a couple fighting, and as they're yelling at each other for like 10 minutes, a rat ran up to the woman's foot and bounced off and ran away.
And she screamed, but her boyfriend just laughed in her face. And she was like, "That is not funny." And he was like, "It's kind of funny." And she was like, "No." So I just went up to them, I was like, "Excuse me, miss." I saw the whole thing and it was funny. I do this every night. I got a great gauge on what's funny and not funny. I used to fight with my ex all the time. She was mad I didn't cry during the break-up.
She's like, "You're not crying during this break-up, but you cried during that Magic Johnson documentary." Maybe that should show you how out of touch with reality she is, that she thinks she's in the same inspiration category as the greatest point guard that ever played the game. That guy played in the All-Star Game with HIV. She went to me when she had a headache, all right? She went to me when she had a headache, all right?
She went to me when she had a headache, all right? She went to me when she had a headache, all right? She went to me when she had a headache, all right? She went to me when she had a headache, all right? She went to me when she had a headache, all right? I mean, Magic Johnson, I know we're in Boston, but that guy's a legend. Every endorsement, Converse, 7-Up, he never got Trojan, but I think he deserved to get it.
Who would have been better? If you were on the fence about wearing protection and you saw Magic Johnson's face in the box, you'd be like, "We should definitely wear a condom." This is a commercial. You're coming out of a black suit. You're coming out of a black suit. You're coming out of a black suit. You're coming out of a black suit. You're coming out of a black suit. You're coming out of a black suit.
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