Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Central Presents Bonnie McFarlane' (2008) by Bonnie McFarlane on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Bonnie McFarlane

Comedy Central Presents Bonnie McFarlane

From New York City, Comedy Central presents Bonnie MacFarlane. Thank you. Thank you. That's very sweet. I know you were told to applaud like that, but thank you anyway. I appreciate it. So, I just had a baby. I shouldn't say just. It was like two hours ago. It's still a lie on Percocet, so forgive me. But she is so perfect. She is really, you know, which is what a load off, really. Because when you're pregnant, so many things can go wrong and it's very stressful.
You know, we had an ultrasound, you know, but an ultrasound can't tell you everything, you know. So, when she was born, my husband and I were just so thrilled and relieved, you know, that she was white. We're going to keep her. When you're pregnant, people just feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. And when I was really, like, I was like nine months pregnant, this woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you.
Epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks, but we already picked a name." You know. Epidural, what is that, German? It's terrible. With the name Katrina, yeah. Yeah, yeah, to celebrate, to commemorate, actually, the tragic events of 1651, Queen Katrina of the Netherlands. I think everybody is familiar with the story. I'm not going to go into it. When I was pregnant, strangers would come up and want to touch my belly so they could feel the baby, which made me so uncomfortable.
I don't know what these creepy fetus molesters were thinking, you know, that they could do this right in front of me. God, wait until she's old enough to have a MySpace page, for God's sake. Give her a fighting chance. But, um, I was very protective of my baby in utero. Right now she's with the janitor, but... When she was in my belly, I was really careful about what I ate and what I drank. You know, no alcohol, because when you drink, your baby drinks.
And it's so dangerous, you know, for the development of your baby when she's in your womb, you know. So, I didn't have any alcohol throughout my entire pregnancy, but let me tell you something. The minute she was born, I got her all these little airline bottles, and she just loved them. Yeah, is she? Yeah. She's such a good baby. She already sleeps through the night. Two lemon gins. She was out. So, it's good.
But it's such a... I'm really cutting edge. It's such a great time to have a baby, because everybody's having... Babies are so hot right now. Everybody... Babies, they're not just for Puerto Ricans anymore. You know, so... Yes. I think a lot of people are realizing, you know, they don't have to start a family the old-fashioned way. You know, getting roofied at a party. They're saying to themselves, "Hey, we have options."
They're saying, you know, "Hey, we could adopt, or we could abduct." Isn't it weird that anyone would steal a baby? That is so crazy to me, that anyone would steal a... when they are so easy to make. I did it in the front, instead of the back, one time. Nine months later, Katrina! That's dirty. That's dirty. Not everyone can make. I guess there's kind of this phenomenon going on right now. There's all these upper-middle-class women that desperately, desperately want to have babies, but they can't conceive.
And nobody really understands why that is. And it's actually, it's very sad, you know. But, like, what I don't get is, like, there's all these crack whores having unwanted babes. And by crack whores, I don't mean really good whores. I mean, they're on the pipe, those ones. But they're having all these unwanted... Why don't these rich women who really want to have kids, why don't they try smoking crack?
Right? Yes. Exactly. It's only a matter of time before the FDA approves it as a fertility drug. And then the price of crack is gonna skyrocket. I sort of wish now, um, that I had had twins, you know. Because then I could sell one. Make some real cash. I have an identical twin sister. And, uh, she is smoking hot. Wow, it's crazy. I'm not kidding around. It's sick. It's like looking in a mirror. I don't know what I'd do without her.
I really don't. We are so close. Obviously, we're very similar. We look the same. We sound the same. We have the exact same sense of humor. The only thing that's different about us is that she's on the waiting list for a new kidney. And I have two perfectly healthy ones. So... I'm not gonna get mixed up in her drama. You know what I mean? I would never donate an organ. I just think it's tacky. It's like re-gifting.
No. My sister loves that joke. She's here tonight. I don't know where she is. She's probably in the top balcony somewhere. But, um, she's very supportive. And if you see her, you'll know it's her immediately. She's got a dialysis machine. She's got a dialysis machine. Ooh, Connie! Way to go. She's out and about. That's what matters, right? So I love sports. I love sports. I love sports. Probably my favorite sport to actually participate in is hunting.
I don't know. It's so weird, you know, because I don't look good in orange. But I just love the outdoors. And I, um, I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog. I'm not that good at hunting. You can't think of them as pets. You know, they're hunting accessories. So... Can't get attached. If you want to be a great athlete, you know, you have to sacrifice, so... I know people think hunting is appalling, because a lot of people are under the misguided impression that hunting is cruel.
But here's the one thing you probably don't realize, and this is something animal rights activists do not want you to know. The deer love it. They are having a ball. They would miss it if it was illegal. They really would. They love the fall. It's an exciting time for them. The one thing I would never do is eat my kill. That's disgusting. That is so gross. I'm a vegan, so... I would never... I just leave it there.
Yeah. It's biodegradable. So that's good. I'm a vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian, but I cheat. I do cheat. I eat veal. It's so good. It's so tender. How do they get it like that? I don't know. I love it. It's great. And I care about the environment. If you read my blog, you'll know that. Green. Do you read my blog? Yeah, right? You and tens of others definitely do. I think we can all do more to help save this planet.
And I don't think you have to be that extreme about it either. It's all about making some small choices in your life, trying to find some balance. Like for me, I would never drive an SUV. I just wouldn't. But I litter. You know what I mean? Yeah, do what you can. Do what you can. I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, "Oh, sweet. There goes an environmentalist."
I'm always like, "That poor sucker got a DUI." Which I think we should start encouraging, drinking and driving. Let's get those cars parked any way we can, huh? Because we're addicted to oil in this country. That's why we're in the Middle East, because... God, that's so... I'm so conflicted about what's going on. I really am. I just... I mean, on the one hand, I think fighting over oil is disgusting.
But on the other hand, I love war. So, ugh. It's a guilty pleasure. War and chicken wings. I love 'em. I don't know why I try to talk about politics publicly when I have no idea what I'm talking about. I feel like I should be auditioning for The View. I'm not smart. I mean, I'm not stupid per se. But, um... I've been watching the presidential debates, and to me, they're ridiculous. All of them. They're so...
I'm not gonna vote. I'm not, uh... Well, I'm a registered sex offender, so really, I can't. Just kidding. I'm not registered. I'm just kidding. I'm not registered. I'm just kidding. I'm not a teacher. Isn't that a weird thing? Teachers can't stop buffing their students? What's happened in this country? Teachers just keep having sex with their students. I don't know what's going on. I'm gonna start messing with my students.
To me, they're ridiculous. To me, they're ridiculous. All of them. They're so... I'm not gonna vote. I'm not, uh... Well, I'm a registered sex offender. So, really, I can't. Just kidding. I'm not registered. Oh. Isn't that a weird thing? Teachers can't stop buffing their students. What's happened in this country? Teachers just keep having sex with their students. I don't know what's going... I'm gonna start marketing the inflatable middle schooler.
Trying to cash in on the trend. Make some cash. Maybe save a few lives. You know, as a comedian... I'm a comedian. As a comedian... I get asked through a lot of benefits and fundraisers for some really... some very, very good causes. And, um... I always say no. I'm no stooge for the communist left. All right. No, I did do one. I did one benefit. I did a benefit for a woman who was HIV positive. And what a sweet little lady.
And she was just vivacious and fun to be around. And it was a great benefit. We raised $40,000 for her. And it felt really good. It did. It felt so good. Until afterwards, when she got investigated for fraud. Because there was a lot of questions as to whether she really did have AIDS or not. And not only is that a disgusting thing to lie about. It's actually really illegal. And the FBI got involved.
And they told us if she's actually lying, she could go to prison for like 10 years. 10 years! As soon as I heard that, I was like, "Oh my God! I hope she has AIDS!" Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Prison would be a death sentence for a little woman like that. Okay. You know what I love? And this is gonna sound so queer. Uh, lesbians. I do. I do. I love you guys. You're sweet. I respect that. I respect that. I respect that.
I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor. This is my impression of a lesbian laughing. Yeah. See, I shouldn't have done that joke. I shouldn't have done that joke. Because that's so stereotypical. And, uh, you know, lesbians are good people. They don't deserve that. They... 'Cause you know why? They're... They're actually, you know, they're too busy to be friends. They're not going to be friends.
They're not going to be friends. They're not going to be friends. They're not going to be friends. These are good people. They don't deserve that. They... 'Cause you know why? They're... They're actually, you know... They're too busy to be frivolous, you know? Because they're busy changing the world. And their Birkenstocks. And their flannels. And their litter boxes. And their nipple rings. But, you know, they're...
Lesbians are always, like, good for a cause, you know? Like, they'll go and they'll march for something, you know? Straight women won't do that, you know? Because... It's so hard to march in heels. It's... I'm ladylike, and... Mmm... No. I was raised not to make fun of gay people. I don't use words like... or pirate. And I certainly don't use those words around my dads. So... They're Canadian. It's fun.
We love 'em. They're fun. You know who kind of scares me, though? The group is, like, really empowered women. Sort of freak me out a little. You know the ones that are like, "Eh, we're the number one gender. Chicks rule." And... It kind of makes me cringe, you know? Because if you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior. Unless you're Jewish. And... And... Yeah. Look how that turned out.
Nobody likes them. So... Let's learn from their mistakes. That's all I'm saying. In other countries I'm talking about, nobody likes them. In this country we do. Not you, but others. I love Jews. I love... I married a money grubber. So there you go. I've always dated Jewish men and I don't know why... What am I saying? I know exactly why that is. It's because I have a really little vagina. So... Yeah.
It just works out. It works out. It's a win-win. Everybody's happy. Everybody's happy. So when I was single, I lived in a... I lived in a garage. And... Like a real garage. Not like Fonzie. I lived in a garage. Which was, you know, when you're dating and you live in a garage, it does get awkward. You know? 'Cause I'd... At the