Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Central Presents Greer Barnes' (2009) by Greer Barnes on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Greer Barnes

Comedy Central Presents Greer Barnes

From New York City, Comedy Central presents Greer Bonds. Thank you. Wow, that was nice. How y'all doing? What, y'all scared? What happened? So anyway, I was in the park last night chasing this white guy. You guys aren't too fast, but you run a really long time. I would have had to have been Kenyan to catch this cat. Run right next to him. What type of shoes are those? Because these rocks are hurting my feet.
So I smoke marijuana sometimes a lot every day. And I'll tell you. I really don't see the downside to marijuana. Doctors say like, well, if you smoke marijuana, it's known to cause you to forget things. Maybe some of us got some s*** we need to forget. Marijuana is also known to increase your appetite. You mean the munchies? Like brothers are smoking joints, getting the munchies and going out trying to stick up Keebler elf houses or some s***.
See a bunch of brothers in the parks harassing trees. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park.
See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park.
See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park.
See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park.
See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park.
See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. See a bunch of brothers in the park. Ridiculous, this is a message from the MTA. Be on the lookout for suspicious-looking packages and/or activities. If you see something, don't do anything. Tell someone, like a police officer or an MTA employee.
Really? An MTA employee? You mean like that brother over there messing with the trash? Hey man. There's a suspicious-looking package over there. Yeah, I know. I saw it. Go talk to that lady in the booth. Hey lady in the booth. There's a suspicious-looking package over there. Be on the lookout for suspicious-looking activities. I live on 144th Street, 8th Avenue, Harlem, okay? I see a lot of stuff that could be considered suspicious-looking.
Like yesterday, I walked outside of my building and I saw two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong. And now that's a suspicious-looking activity. And where the hell did they get that ping-pong table from? I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong. Let me get this right, you see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong? I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong. I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong.
I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong. I see three brothers on the sidewalk playing ping-pong. I actually saw a group of cops on horses last night. Like six of them just walking towards her brother. My first thought was plantation. I don't know why. I was expecting one of them to say something to me. "Where you going, boy?" Pa-ching! So I could just look out of nowhere, sir. Mr. Lincoln says I was free.
Hey, fellas. Your girlfriend ever ask you a question that just makes you go, "What?" "What?" A couple of nights ago, I'm in the boat. My girlfriend, we just got to finish having sex. We sweating. Because we don't have no air conditioner. And we're sitting there smoking a joint. And she looks at me and she goes, "Baby, what would you do, right? If we woke up tomorrow and I had your penis and you had my vagina?"
"What?" "What?" "What would you do?" "I wouldn't let you screw me." One time my girlfriend asked me, she was like, "Baby, if your penis could talk, right, what would it say?" I'm going to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of all men on this mud ball we call Earth. If our penis could talk, it would probably say something like, "Touch me." That's it. That's it. I'm going outside to get some cake.
Touch me. Touch me with the cake. If the vagina could talk, do you know what it would say? We've been in this relationship for three and a half years. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page.
We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. We're going to play on the same page. All right, you guys have fun, man.
Right on. So I sit home a lot and I watch nature shows. That's what I do. I smoke weed and I watch nature shows. When I was watching one episode, they were talking about the bees. Now, the plight that the bees are going to on the planet right now is like really serious. Excuse my French. Like these bees are dying by the hundreds of thousands and all over the world. And then this narrator said that if all the bees on the planet died, that the birds would be next.
And then us. And I'm sitting there with my boy and I'm like, "We got to save the bees." I feel you, my dude. I like honey in my tea. You feel me? Then the narrator went on to say, "Um, the European bee is a much more kinder, gentler bee as opposed to the Africanized bee, which is a much more aggressive, hostile bee." Really? You just gonna try to sneak racism into the bug world? Like European bees are just floating around like, "Zzzzzz."
So, what are we going to do today? "Zzzzzz." I don't know. Maybe we can pollinate that flower. "Zzzzzz." Look at the sun. Yes, I love it. "Zzzzzz." Like the African bees and his beehive, like, "Who the are we going to sting today?" You know, I don't know how I come up with this stuff sometimes. Like, I think crazy stuff, you know what I mean? Like, like, okay, like, on my way down here, I said to myself, "I wish I could fly."
And then I thought about it. And I was like, "If I could fly, like, I'd probably get arrested." You know what I mean? Like, I'd be flying along somewhere, and somebody would be like, "Is that a flying? What the..." "Hello, officer?" "Yeah, I just saw a black guy fly by my window." Um, no, he didn't have a basketball. He was flying. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger. And then I just was like, "Hey, it's cheaper to smoke weed.
I still get to space." "I still get to space, baby." Always wanted to be the first man to make contact with another alien race. You know what I mean? Land on they planet. Walk up to them. "Yo, my dude, what's good?" "Oh, no, I'm human from the planet Earth. See that blue ball way out there? Yeah, that's where I'm from." "Nah, we ain't got no green people, but it's cool." "We go, we go, go, go, go, go, go."
Well, we'll probably call you at first, but... I was in Australia. Went scuba diving. I see some of y'all looking at me like, "Bull brothers don't swim." They hear me out. I don't know how to swim. And my dive master was like, "Don't worry about it. He'll be fine." "Okay." We hopped on this boat and went so far out that we couldn't even see the shoreline anymore. Boat comes to a stop. Start getting dressed.
Putting on our lead weight belt and flippers and goggles and air tank. Checking the line. In the water. Can't talk underwater, so you got to learn all these signals like, "Let's go up. Let's go down. Stop. It ain't too cool." I'm paraphrasing. I'm okay. Out of air. Low on air. Wetsuit. Too tight. You got to fix that. You got to get it out your butt. Don't want no wetsuit in the butt. You got tape.
Shark. That's important. You see this? None of this. It's just out of here. That's it. Let's get the bill. Let's do it. No more of that . It was interesting scuba diving. I remember the first fish I saw. I could've sworn he took a double take at me like, "What the ?" "Is that a brother?" "Is that a brother?" "It was cool scuba diving." "Till my dive master led me to a cave 50 feet underwater." "We're floating outside this cave and he looks over at me and he's like..."
My dive master led me to a cave 50 feet underwater. Went floating outside this cave and he looks over at me and he's like... . . . . . . . . . I got on a train earlier tonight and these young black kids were looking at me and I overheard them saying, "Look at my man got on his sandals." . I swear, man. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you get the chicks. You can walk up to them and say anything. Tell me something.
What type of panties are you wearing? Get away from me. Tell me. They're blue. I like that. Take them off. Get away from me. Off. I can't believe I'm doing it. Got to have one of them cool European accents. You can't be American. Hey girl, what kind of droves you got on against the wall? Sexual harassment. Let's go. Hey man, I think that's my time. You guys have been great. You've been great. Thank you.
Thank you.