Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Hey Big Boy' (2020) by Bert Kreischer on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: What Bert Kreischer’s Dad Does When He’s High | Netflix Is A Joke.

Bert Kreischer

Hey Big Boy

my dad just found marijuana 70 years old started eating it every night 20 milligrams my mom says dad's eating that's what I said I was like that's a lot I goes are there any side effects she goes other than the fact that he calls me bro a lot no we go down to Tampa spend some time with my parents we're out on their dock my whole family my dad my mom you can tell my dad's weed kicks in because he starts humming Jimmy Buffett songs all sudden he just pops up turns around us he goes who wants to talk to an owl tonight huh I look at my mom I go how much weed is Harry Potter eating my mom's like no he talks to an owl every night show him Albert my dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes oh my idiot kids are like Papa should we who do he's like yeah come on girls we'll all who let's do it here we go now the three of them are on the edge of the dock like three crips let them know cops are in the neighborhood five minutes goes by five minutes we don't hear a sound I look at my dad I go hey dad maybe we should sit down I don't think your owls out tonight he's like yeah that's crazy he's always out don't worry we'll try again tomorrow girls pour a glass of wine 30 seconds later clear as a bell all of us here whoo I get chill bumps I look at my dad and I go dad it's your owl he's like I told you bro he's like I'll get him going and once I get him going we can all talk to him all right oh and right on top of it weird oh my oldest daughter goes dad I go shut the fuck up we're talking to an owl she goes dad I go wait your turn bitch I'm next she goes dad look across the lake at the old man on his dock sure as shit there's another drunk blind old white man just these two are like Ric Flair in a cave just I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him he's like I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him and I don't even know who I'm next to him I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him I don't even know who I'm next to him Thank you.
I go to pick up my guns. I got two guns. I got a shotgun tube. I broke it first day. Yeah, I thought I got the one that goes, but he sold me the one that went, hey. So I go to pick up my guns and my arms dealer tells me, he's like, hey man. He goes, I can't give you your guns. I said, why not? And he goes, none of your paperwork checks out. I go, what do you mean? He goes, all the bills are in your wife's name, your cars in your company's name.
I can't give you your guns. I started laughing hysterically because all I thought to myself was, our system works? Like, how great is it that our system works? I looked at him laughing hysterically. I was like, dude, I feel safer knowing I can't get a gun. That if you gave me two guns, I go, I'm so happy to know our system works. And he looks at me dead serious and he goes, oh, you're getting your fucking guns.
I was like, wow, I don't feel so good about this anymore, Kevin. He's like, no, no, we have a workaround. This is what he did. Called my wife on the phone. Said, ma'am, I want you to print out a blank lease. Then fill it out saying, you rent a room in your house to your husband. Fax it in to me. I get it. I'll give him his guns. My wife was cackling on the other end of the phone. Sorry, we're at full occupancy, Kevin.
She sends it in. I get my guns. I love my guns. I do love my guns. I'm the kind of idiot. Yeah. I don't know if you're like me where you see a gun at a movie and I call up my arm sealer immediately. I was like, yo, Matrix. Agent Smith, what gun is that? He's like, Desert Eagle 50 caliber. I go, sign me up. He's like, I can't do a 50 caliber in California. I'll get you a 40 caliber. I'll do a workaround in the office.
I'll get you what you need. He's like, you can get a long gun, too. What long gun do you want? I go, I need a shotgun. He's like, I just sold you a shotgun. I go, yeah, you sold me the circumcised one. I want the uncircumcised one where you can pull the hood back. Just. He's like, you don't want another shotgun. You want an AR-15. I was like, whoa, slow down, brother. I go, I might not be the right guy for an AR-15.
I lost my Glock for nine days. All my wife heard was AR-15 and comes marching in the kitchen. Is that motherfucker trying to upsell you on an AR-15? I'm like, bitch, men are talking. She's like, did you tell him you took your Glock in the shower with you? I'm like, woman. I go, Kevin, I'm not going to be a part of the problem in this country. I'm going to be a part of the solution. I'm not getting another one of these killing machines and putting it out into the population and losing it for nine days and some kid finding it.
All I want is my Desert Eagle .50 caliber and a shotgun. My wife's next to me. She goes, that's the man I married. Kevin's on the other end of the phone. He goes, am I on speaker right now? I said, no. And he goes, all right, cool. I'll have the AR-15 waiting for you. I said, bro, I really don't want the gun. He goes, give me 10 seconds and listen to me. Bert, in the event of an apocalypse, I'm like, still listening?
He's like, this is the best gun to defend you and your family. I couldn't even help myself. I was like, can you get me the one with the bump stock on it? My wife heard me say that and canceled my fucking lease. I'm at home, phone rings, it's a school nurse. She goes, I have Isla in the office. Is there a parent at home? I was like, I'll do. Gives the phone to Isla, her first words. I tried to stop it, Dad.
I go, stop what? She goes, I got my period. I'm like, bitch, you promised. I'm like, you called the wrong number, dickhead. Call your mom. She's like, Dad, I need you right now. Immediately as a parent, I'm melting down. So I'm like, she's freaking out at school. She's by herself. She's going through what Georgia went through. This isn't my skill set. But I got this. I go, okay, baby, all right, okay.
How'd you get it? She was like, Dad, I was playing kickball. Immediately, I'm like, oh, poor kid. I thought she blew out her pussy. Just, oh, shit. Oh, I'm out, coach. I'm out. Yeah. I tore my twat. It's bad. I blew out my cooch, coach. I'm going to have to sit this one out. Pinch runner. Pinch runner. Now, I'm spiraling. I'm like, all right, what do you need from me? New pants? New panties? New socks?
Did it get in your socks? A bucket, some towels, garlic. We're going to keep the vampires away from you. She's like, Dad, I'm fine. Mom gave me a go bag. I go, okay, then what are you calling me for? She goes, I need you to go to the store and get supplies. I'm like, how bad is this period? She's like, no, Dad, I'm throwing myself a period party tonight. I'm like, I'm sorry, what did you just say?
She's like, all the girls are doing it, Dad. I need you to go to the store and get supplies. Get a red velvet cake. I'm like, I go, baby, I don't think I can eat a red velvet cake knowing what it symbolizes. She's like, Dad, you need a red velvet cake for a period party because you put the name of your period on the cake. I'm like, who names their period? She's like, Georgia named hers after the girl from Progressive Auto Insurance.
She's like, Dad, please, I need you right now. I have 10 people coming tonight. I go, we have 10 little girls coming to the house? She goes, no, eight girls, two boys. I'm like, who invites boys to a period party? And I hear her sinister little giggle on the phone and she goes, Dad, that's the fun of it. We don't tell them why they're there. Now I'm like, fuck it, I'm in. I have never had more fun at a party in my entire life.
Planning, hosting, and attending a period party. I dressed all in red like it was Chinese New Year's. Drinking Pinot Noir. I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce. And I giggled the whole night with all these little girls at these two boys, Max and Carter, right? Faces covered in red cake. Like it's their honeymoon and they're like, fuck it, I'll eat it anyway. The whole party, these two boys are looking at the cake going, who the hell's Jason?
My daughter, Isla Kreischer, named her period Jason because she got it on Friday the 13th. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th.
I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th. I got it on Friday the 13th.