Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Central Presents Adele Givens' (2002) by Adele Givens on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: “A Sex Sandwich"- Adele Givens - Full Special.

Adele Givens

Comedy Central Presents Adele Givens

From New York City, Comedy Central presents Adele Givens. What is up, New York? Y'all look good, and I am so happy to be here. So glad to be here. Y'all should be happy I'm here too, I flew. We all know this ain't the best season to be flying, right? I feel like a hero, I flew during wartime. I don't care how I die, I want a hero's homecoming. And if I slip and fall face first in a pile of dog doo-doo, I want my flag and medals, okay?
It's really scary to fly right now. This is not the best season, you know? It's okay in winter, it's okay in spring, it's okay in the fall, but oh, summer time just ain't a good time to be flying. Personally, I have never cared for flying, but people always say to me, you know, girl, flying is the safest way to travel. What you nervous about as they purchase their train tickets? But this is my personal favorite.
You can't control fate when it's your time, you gotta go. I'm like, yeah, well, what if it's the bitch sitting next to me it's time? I gotta leave 'cause this heifer's number's up? You know? You know? 'Cause it's not like I'ma jump up out the wreckage and go, ooh, damn, I'm so glad it was her time. I'ma jump up. I'ma jump up. I'ma jump up. And it's new. These words, I've never heard them. I don't know if I'm just ignorant.
I mean, I did go to school a few days. I don't remember none of these words. I've never heard of Tora Bora. I've never heard of Al Qaeda. Anthrax. What in the hell is Taliban? My mama never said, girl, look on the shelf and give me that Taliban. Put a little anthrax on it. I got a headache. It's new stuff. But you know what? Being from Chicago to West Side and knowing my homegirls the way I do, I can guarantee you one thing.
Some sister that I know gon' name her baby Taliban. You know it's gon' happen. You know one day you gon' be at the family reunion 'cause she gon' be a relative. And you gon' be like, ooh-ree-ree, that baby so cute. What's his name? Taliban? We just call him Ben-Ben. But I don't wanna dwell on the war 'cause it's such a touchy subject right now. But before I stop talking about it, I do have a legitimate question.
One legitimate question that I've been asking everybody, nobody has to answer. What the hell happened to the emergency broadcast system on September 11th? We've been practicing with that bastard all our lives, haven't we? You let him interrupt all your programming, you said, okay, what the hell? What's the odds? You probably won't need his ass, but I'm gonna listen to the plan anyway. You can recite it.
"This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. For the next 60 seconds, this station will conduct a test." Then he violated your ass with all these noises and you listened. You didn't even leave for a sandwich or nothing. 'Cause you didn't know you might need the information one day. Well, I don't know about y'all ass, but I think 9-1-1 was that damn day and you didn't hear from him.
I'm like, wait a minute. It's the same guy. Even after the commercial, after the test, you listened. He told you this has been a test of the emergency broadcasting. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have informed you where to go in your area. Well, I'm looking for your tech or whatever your damn name is. So I say, bring his ass up on charges, find out his side of the story. Where the hell were you on September 11th?
I know he's gonna try to lie and pretend that he did ring that bell. He's gonna say, in all the excitement and the chaos, y'all didn't hear me. You didn't pay no attention. Well, I got tape. Some of y'all got tape. One thing you heard was, you heard a lot of background noises when that second plane hit, didn't you? But you did not hear, this is the emergency broadcast system bastard. Run! This is the day we've been practicing for.
Get your and get out of here. Look, y'all. Do I look okay? Look like a lady? Those are my lovely parents, Nellie and Lewis Givens. Yeah. Y'all give it up to God for letting them both spend the night off here. Cause they both full-time employees of the Lord right now. So y'all give it up. God let them come in and watch their daughter do her thing. Yeah. I wanna share a little information with the ladies.
Cause a couple of them complimented me on my outfit today. And I just wanna say it's not designer. I don't do the designer thing. I don't do that. Too much money for just somebody's name in my label. It just don't feel right to me. I think I got a thing they call common sense. And you know. It's kinda contagious. So I figured tonight I'll just explain a couple of things. Like this. You know, people talking about bling bling.
See, there's $23. Bling bling like a mug, ain't it? But don't hug me. I'll snag your mama with this bad boy. I'm telling you. But I look good. And that's what's important. I don't like to buy designer clothes cause the sales girls act too snotty. Don't they ladies? Don't when you go in those stores these bitches act like they better than you? Well, I'm the wrong one to act like that with. Many, many times I've informed them what they damn job was.
You know, I go in there and she's looking at me all snotty. And I explain to her, hey, you sell stuff. Okay? It's your job to price stuff for me. Alright? Okay? I know I ain't buyin' nothin'. And you know I ain't buyin' nothin'. But I wanna know how much the I ain't buyin' cost. Man. And ladies, this gotta be the worst designer purse. What kind of crap is that? It's a bag. That's all it... Use your common sense.
It's a bag. And you wouldn't even have it if you didn't have to carry things out of the house that was necessary to take out when you leave. Am I right? They tell you the purse is $700. What you got in there? A cell phone? Some keys? Depending on which club you go into, some liquor? And that say a whole lot about you. You got a $700 person. You gonna sneak a half pint into the club, innit? You a smart sister.
And I think it's epidemic, this designer thing. Cuz now men are into designer clothes. Men didn't even used to care about how they look in dress. But now, from the west side of Chicago, where I'm from, a lot of guys wear alligator shoes. Which I have no problem with. I didn't until I priced some of these shoes. I priced a pair of alligator shoes at $2,000. That's $1,000 a foot. $200 a toe. Add it up.
If you missing a toe or two, subtract where necessary. But I didn't think it was fair. Cuz I know some of these brothers. And I know they're children. And it just ain't fair. Your kids look thirsty. And you're walking around with alligators, $2,000 shoes. It ain't fair. I couldn't do it, cuz I got rules for my money. I would not buy a pair of $2,000 shoes. I can't. I'll tell you what. My rule is, if I got on a pair of $2,000 shoes, I better not step in no dog doodle.
If I'm wearing some $2,000 shoes and I'm walking towards some dog doodle, those shoes better turn my ass around. And take me in another damn direction. And I found out since I've been in entertainment, the more money you make, the more they waste. That's right, cuz my friends love Rolex watches. Oh, they love 'em. I didn't even know what a Rolex was. I come from the West Side of Chicago. Pole broke.
I know what time it is. Time to eat. I'm hungry. I'm trying not to think about the time we broke around here. My friend comes showing me his watch. He said, "Look at this watch." I said, "Ooh, that's so cute." He said, "Cute? What you mean cute?" "You know how much this damn watch costs?" I'm like, "No, I can't say as I do." He said, "$16,000." I said, "You been sipping on some Sizzurp?" "What the hell made you pay $16,000 for a watch?"
And you know he tried to justify this purchase. He started telling me, "See, this is a Rolex. Look at the second hand. See, the second hand on a Rolex, it glide. But the second hand on a regular watch, it jerked." I said, "That's all you got?" "$16,000 and all you can tell me is the second hand glide. Don't you know that for $16,000, the second hand ought to act like a damn second hand? For $16,000, that hand ought to jump off the watch and give you high five when your team make the damn basket."
For $16,000, if your woman mad at you and you think it's going to be a hard night, that second hand should jump off, grab the lotion and tell you you're going to be all right tonight for $16,000. So I ended up calling him an "Ignet bastard." And we got into it. He said, "How come a brother got to be an ignorant bastard every time he tried to look good?" I said, "No, you're misunderstanding. I'm not calling you ignorant because you like to look good.
You said you paid $16,000 for that watch. Stand your ignorant ass right here and watch me." Excuse me, brother, can you tell me what time you have? It's $10,000. $10,000. $10,000. $10,000. $10,000. Didn't cost me a damn nickel. That would be why you an ignorant bastard. Thank you. Nowadays, you can't let your kids watch TV. You don't know what's happening. A breast might pop out. Somebody might lick somebody.
It's like, hey, y'all turn off that damn Disney Channel. Up in here. You know, I see the problem with the kids. You know, back in the day they used to say it takes a village to raise a child. Nowadays, apparently it takes a talk show. That's the problem. If I see one more topic like help, I'm going to get a little bit of a talk show. I'm going to shake the hell out of somebody. Why in the hell are you on a talk show because your teen is out of control?
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to front up here. I don't have a lot of money. So if I got an opportunity to get a free vacation, go to New York or L.A., you know, free ticket and all I got to do is get on TV. I'm going to get on TV. I'm going to get on TV. I'm going to get on TV. I'm going to get on TV. You know, free ticket. And all I got to do is get on TV and, you know, talk about my issues.
I would do it. But you can believe the topics of the talk shows would not be help. My teen is out of control. If it was me. Or help. I just knocked my teen's teeth out and we don't have a dental plan. I was looking at a talk show. This is true. A 13-year-old boy was on there with his mama talking about how he wouldn't wear nothing but this one designer clothing. I'm talking about he had it on from head to toe.
Watch, draw, shoes, this one, I won't name this designer, but he had all of this stuff on and his mama was sitting up there crying to the talk show host. And I told him there's other children in the home and I'm trying to work two jobs and it's very challenging. I was like, you been sipping on Scissor, ain't you, boo? 'Cause why? You know, ladies, anybody here with a child, you ain't gonna wear nothing.
But this boy had it on. He 13 years old. He ain't got no job. She must have bought it. So while you're on TV crying, I wish that was me. I would say, baby, we going on vacation. That's right. I got two little boys, ages six and eight. And they could very well grow up and say they not wearing nothing but designer clothes. And I was like, okay, cool. We gonna get a vacation. We going to a talk show.
And I'd be sitting on TV happy 'cause I'm on vacation with the talk show host who probably have on a designer outfit of her own. And I'd be sitting up there with a regular outfit of mine on. And my 13-year-old son be sitting on national TV buck naked. 'Cause don't we sacrifice everything for our kids, ladies? When your kids come into your home, life as you knew it changed. You can't even have sex any time you want it to no more, can you?
Girl, I used to go in my kitchen and get a sex sandwich any time I felt like it. These little bastards done put me on a diet and I ain't having it. 'Cause every time you get ready, it's like, wait a minute. I think I hear the pitter-patter. 'Cause the last thing you want, am I right, ladies, is for your baby to catch mama's ass tossed up like a Caesar salad. 'Cause you know you about to damage their little asses, don't you?
But your man don't care, do 