Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Central Presents Mike Birbiglia 1' (2004) by Mike Birbiglia on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Mike Birbiglia

Comedy Central Presents Mike Birbiglia 1

From New York City, Comedy Central presents Mike Birbiglia. How are you? How are you? Nice to see you. Nice to see you. I, uh, wow. This is really nice. I, uh, introduced myself properly. I, uh, I'm Mike Birbiglia. And, uh, yeah, I'm, uh, thanks. I'm Italian. Uh, my family's not real Italian. We're, like, Olive Garden Italian. And sometimes people come up to me, and they'll be like, you know, in Italy, it's pronounced Birbiglia.
I'm like, in America, you're annoying. It was a hard name to have growing up. Kids would call me names like Birbiglia Bug, and Birbibliography. And, uh, some were more clever than others. But, uh, I was an altar boy when I was a kid, and the answer is no. I wasn't. I was very ambitious as a child, though. I had a big goal. I wanted to be a comedian, or a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hang out.
Those were my goals. Those were my goals. I, uh, wanted to be a rapper. I really did. And it surprises people, because I'm a white bread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur, white bread. The other day someone was like, what's up, white bread? And I was like, that's not even an insult. That's just my race plus food. I was like, I can do that too, black bean soup. You stay out of this, Asian chicken platter.
But I like using the word "cracker" a little bit in my act. Because a lot of black comics use the "N" word. I like using the "C" word. Like, me and my cracker friends were driving down the street in my Volvo station wagon. And I'd say, hey, cracker, pass the sun chips. And he says, not till we get to the picnic, cracker. Cracker. And I say, cracker, please. He's like, he's like, cracker, what? But what happened is, I said that in his show.
And this black guy comes up to me after this show. And he was like, great show, cracker. And, uh, it was nice. And I was like, actually, I was like, you can't call me a cracker. Only we can call each other cracker. You can say cracker, but not cracker. And he was like, it's okay, I've got white friends. And they're cool with it. So I cooled down. I cooled down. I was pretty angry. I, uh, I just like doing that voice.
They're like, me and my cracker friends. It's like my white guy doing a black guy doing a white guy voice. Because a lot of black comics have the one white guy voice. Like, this is ridiculous. Like, we all, like, we all talk like British detectives. And I don't know anyone, I don't know anyone who talks like that. I feel bad for the one guy on earth who does talk like that. Watching those comics on TV.
And he's like, this is preposterous. That doesn't sound like me at all. Wait till I get my hands on that black fellow. But first, I'm gonna dance. That's how we dance. I heard that. I've heard that. I, uh, I wanted to be a rapper when I was a kid. But rap was very innocent when I was a kid. It was just like ribbit of rap, rap, rap, rap-pastic, you know? It's gotten so arbitrarily aggressive. Rappers now will be like, it's 2005, mother .
I'm like, you're mad about the date? You gotta pick your battles, man. I mean, you get mad about that, no one's gonna believe you when you're mad about real stuff. You crashed into my car, mother . Yeah, but you were mad that it was 2005. You're like the boy who cried, mother . This is, uh... All right. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. I, uh... Uh... I've been taking photos of everything on the road lately.
And, uh... I find that photos... I find that photos are a very inaccurate depiction of events, though, 'cause you're never like, hey, remember that time we were like... and I feel like there's too many cameras right now. Like, you go to buy something and everything's also a camera. They'll be like, it's also a camera. I'm like, I just wanted a grapefruit. They're like, it's a camera grapefruit. You take pictures of yourself eating the grapefruit, and then you eat the camera and you poop the pictures.
Oh, my God. That's the opposite of what I wanted. Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point, you can make stuff up and people will believe you. You can be like, you seen a new Sony teleporter? People would be like, no, but I heard about it. I end up saying that all the time. No, but I heard about it. It means I haven't heard about it, but I like you. Hold on. Hold on. I'm gonna... We're gonna do one more thing before we go to commercial.
Hold on. Stay there. There you go. Thanks. That's Arthur, everybody. Give it a round of applause. So, I live here in New York City, and, uh... Oh, thanks. I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body, and... My friend came over to give me advice. He was like, you gotta get a nice little hand soap for your bathroom, because women love that. And I was like, do they also love it when your shower's one foot from your toaster?
'Cause I got that going on, too! I saw a mouse in my apartment the other day, and I have a really small place. I was like, where are you gonna sleep? But I, uh, I got a great building. We got our own drug dealer, so... Every time I walk out my door, this same guy tries to sell me drugs. Like, I'm walking out in the morning, I get a Snapple, and this guy will be like, you want weed? And I'm like, do you have any Snapple?
'Cause I think he should also sell Snapple. That way, he hooks you in with a Snapple, and then he's like, you know what would go great with that Snapple? Crack. It would be like Amazon.com. If you like Snapple, you might also enjoy... Balloons of heroin, and I'd go, wow, I never thought of it that way. Uh, I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. I'm the least fun person to smoke pot with. No one wants to hang with the guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
Uh, I don't, I'm not good at drinking either. I just become another person. Like, last year I went on drinking, and I met this girl, and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn't even want to call her. I didn't feel like she met me. I felt like she met 2drinkMike. Like, you know, it's totally different. 2drinkMike loves dancing, and knows a magic trick. 0drinkMike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions about wildlife.
And 5drinkMike enjoys dancing with wildlife. And that's... Which is hot. Which is hot. But, uh... I wish I were better at drinking, because I love sex. Which is weird, because I usually only love things I'm good at. Like... Like badminton. And, uh, drinking hot chocolate. But, uh... Sex, uh... Sex is tricky. It's kind of like a sport. But, it's not like a team sport. Uh, obviously. Sometimes. Whatever.
But, uh... It's kind of like tennis. Where you need to find someone of your own ability. They're better than you. It's awkward. It's like she's wailing the ball at you. And you're like, "I'm not getting anything over here!" Do you have, like, an underhand serve? Or a lob? You've taken a lot of lessons. Aren't you worried about tennis elbow? I love sex. I love, uh, I love pizza. Uh, I do. I love pizza.
Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. Uh, when it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get on your shirt. Or whatever. And, uh... I think that's how it goes. I'm not sure. Don't quote me on it. But, like, something like that. But, uh, I'm not very political as a comedian. I, uh... I feel like whether you like him or not, I think Bush seems like a fun guy. Like, he's that guy you invite to the barbecue 'cause you know he'll start the wiffle ball game.
He's like wiffle ball Tony. You're like, "Yeah, wiffle ball Tony's here. All right, all right. This is cool." And one day somebody's like, "We're gonna put Tony in charge of everything." And I'm like... I'm like, "We are?" I don't know if that's such a good idea because he's very competitive. He starts going into the neighbor's lawn, challenging them to wiffle ball games. He's like, "I hear you wanna play wiffle ball, bitches!"
And they're like, "We never said that." But he starts chucking hamburgers at them. We're like, "Tony, what are you doing, man?" He's like, "They were gonna chuck hamburgers, mate!" But then it turns out they don't even have hamburgers. They don't even have hamburgers. They have hot dogs, but they only throw them at each other. So it's cool. But then people get upset. They're like, "Well, maybe we should have gone with bookworm Steve.
But he's so boring." And then one guy's like, "What about me? What about Ralph? How about Ralph?" And we're like, "Shut up, Ralph. This is no time for jokes." And then one guy's like, "What about me? What about Ralph? How about Ralph?" And we're like, "Shut up, Ralph. This is no time for jokes." It's weird because you go to different parts of the country, and people get very personally offended by talking about Bush at all.
Like, I was in Washington, D.C., and this woman came up to me. It's a true story. She goes, "You know, he could be here." And I said, "First of all, no. He's probably on vacation." I just started playing guitar this year, and I had a lot of time to kill in hotels. I'm just a beginner, so I'm not very good, but I love music. Like, sometimes when I'm driving, you know, I'll listen to the radio for hours, you know, and I'll listen to Christian rock by mistake.
Because it always starts out as, like, a Bon Jovi ballad, you know? It'll be like, "I woke up in the morning, and I got myself some oatmeal, and I'll put some raisins on it, and... Christ is God." Christ is God. Christ is God. God, God, God. And I'm like... I'm like, "What about the oatmeal?" I thought this was the oatmeal. I thought this was the oatmeal song. I, uh... I love playing guitar, but I think there's, like, a danger in playing guitar too much.
Like, there's always that guy who just shows up at the party you're at and just starts playing guitar for no reason, and you're like, "Could you not do that?" 'Cause everyone knows his motivation for doing it. And so I wrote a song this year just for that guy. And, uh... It's called "Guitar Guy at the Party." I'm the guitar guy at the party. I'm the guitar guy and I think I'll drink a Coke in the party.
It might seem like I'm just having fun, but I'm actually not. I'm trying to sleep with your girlfriend. Listen to me as I play this song, 'cause I'm gonna play it regardless. I'm only playing three chords, so... I can make eye contact. With different women in the room. I'm gonna try and sleep with your girlfriend. But I'm gonna make it sound like we have a really special bond and we should keep it secret.
You know, I think your boyfriend really takes you so granted. When was the last time he told you that your eyes look like space crystals? If you want to come by my placeletter, it'd be cool. It's not gonna be like last time. I totally understand why that freaked you out. Maybe if I play free-fall and then someone will give me a job. Maybe they'll just sit on my lap and the friction will cause me to have an erection.
An erection I will make sure that you won't feel because I'm classy. And I'm gonna shift it to the left. And I'm gonna shift it to the right. I'm gonna create a mental image in my head like guys in prison taking a group shower. Here's my story. I'm gonna make sure that I tell it in the proper order. I went to arts camp as a kid and I played the recorder. Then I learned that recorders are for losers and guitars get chicks.
And now when I feel like a loser I take this out and sing Wonderwall by Oasis. I play mostly covers. Cat Stevens and Beatles and a couple of others. I do some original songs too but they're not as well received. Christ is God. Christ is God. I'm the guitar guy, I'm the guitar guy, I'm the guitar guy, I'm the guitar guy. I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was Abraham Lincoln Suites.
And they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere, and one of them was like, "Whatever you are, be a good one." I just don't feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, just like, "How are ya, Abraham Lincoln?" "Good to see ya, Abraham Lincoln." "Well, we already bought the tickets, Ab