Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Drew Michael' (2018) by Drew Michael on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Mom, Intimacy, Looks, Suicide, Herpes, Honesty, Hearing Loss, and Welcome.

Drew Michael

I don't want to date someone I don't love. It sucks. I want to date someone I love. That rules. Who do I love, though? It's not a lot of people. Date someone you already love. That's the goal. You want to date someone you already love? I think that's where all that Freudian shit comes from, too. It's like, yeah, your mom is the best option. I know it's, like, gross and we don't do it, but it's like, wouldn't it be cool if we did?
Like, imagine a universe where that was totally the deal. That's a better universe. You just come out of the womb day one. Found her! Like, that's so much better. I don't need to fuck with strangers. I got the oxytocin queen right here. Right here! I think that's why the mom sits up front at the wedding, 'cause it's like, well, it would have been you, but ugh, so... I had to find someone I never knew.
I had to turn a complete stranger into the love of my life. All because... Who do I love more than my mom? Nobody! Nobody's even close. There's not even, like, a close second. Who does she love more than me? I'm her son. Nobody. It is right there. Like, on a love level. It's like we both love each other more than anything. Let's figure this out. Like, we can't figure this out. No permutation. Let's fucking figure it out!
There's gotta be a way to do it. I don't know how, but... Let's figure it out. She's single, too. Not that it matters, but... I'm not saying, like, oh, here's my chance. I'm saying, like... I don't want her to be, like, alone. I want her to be with someone. I don't think... She's 61 years old. I don't want her to, like, be... Have no one. I want her to be with a guy that she's, like, into. You know?
And I don't think, like, my mom is into me. But if we were not related, she would be. And... I know that's weird to think, but to be... I just feel like I would be her type in another universe. And I know that's weird to think, but to be fair, I only think that because she told me that. So... Don't shoot the messenger. She's like, ugh, you'd so be my type. And I was like, well, what do you want me to do with that?
You know? I wish I could. I wish I could. Not even for me anymore, but for you. I wish I could give you me. You, me. For your sake. I wish you could be with a guy who loves you, who is so far out of your league. Like, that would be so nice. It would be so nice. And I am out of her league. That's not an arrogant statement. I don't think I'm the best-looking person. I just know myself. I would never consider sleeping with a 61-year-old woman who looked like that.
Unless she were my mom. Like, that's her only in. I'd have to really give a shit about how happy it made her. Random 60-year-old lady, get the fuck out of here. But my mom, it's like, oh, well, you know, I want my mom to get fucked. You know, like, you want your mom to get fucked? You do. You just don't want to know when. Like, I want to know somewhere my mom is getting fucked. I just don't want her to, like, walk out of her bedroom, like.
Like, I don't want that moment. I'm like, oh, now? I want to know that it's happening, though. And what better way to know that something's happening for sure than you just do it yourself. And that's what I'm saying. I wish I could just make it the case. For her. Not even for me. Because it's better for her. If you're honest with yourself, you know that. Like, any reasonable person would admit you would rather fuck your kid than your parent.
That's not controversial. You would rather fuck your kid than your parent. Of course. People try to fuck their kids all the time. Nobody tries to fuck their parents. You never read that in the news. Like, a ring of parent fuckers was broken up by the FBI in a sting operation. Like, parent fucking is rampant in Hollywood and Washington and the music business. Anyway, my point is, I don't think anyone gives a shit about their herpes anymore.
Once the personality shines through. Herpes in the back seat next to slightly above average height. And to be totally honest, I'm kidding. My mom is not single. Um... fair bit of hyperbole in that last piece but um there's a there is an element of truth obviously and i think what it is the mother represents like you know sort of like the total like the 100 level of trust and intimacy and love unconditional love you know it's like already there it's built in it's innate and i have a hard time building to that with someone i don't know like to get from zero to that is a very uncomfortable process for me like the idea of intimacy is really it with me like i get in those intimate moments where like they're unguarded and vulnerable and i just get the i'm like i get the out of here like my gut instinct is like to get just i gotta leave it's an intimacy issue and what happens with that is when you feel a certain way your brain is really good at justifying how you feel so if you feel like you should leave your brain will go find reasons why you should it'll come back all this intel like here's why you should leave and you have to like oh wait is that legitimate reasons to leave or is that just me trying to justify my insecurity i don't know and that's where i think therapy can help therapy kind of helps you unmask your phobia like to me therapy is like the final scene of every episode of scooby-doo because the whole episode's the same thing they're like ah it's a ghost and they take the mask off at the end they're like oh it's the guy who owns the bakery or whatever i don't know why they don't catch on at some point but that's what therapy does for your emotions you know you're in a relationship you're like i don't know she's a little boring and then therapy's like you're like oh my parents never showed me what love looked like thought she was bad at telling stories turns out i have no foundation um i am broken irreparably from the inside i'm flying blind without a map i'm replicating a power dynamic instead of establishing reciprocity silly me i thought she used the wrong form of your in a text message turns out i've downloaded my sexual identity from movies whoops you ever do that you ever think you're a person but you're actually an amalgamation of projections you've absorbed over 32 years oh boy the egg is on my face is that a thought or a plot line from a 1996 film i guess we'll never know I don't like when I'm attracted to people.
Like I find, I see someone, I'm like, "Oh, they're, I'm like, what, hold on a second. "What is that? "I feel dumb. "Like, ooh, nice face, like, what? "What am I, like an idiot? "Ooh, a face. "Now I'm gonna, I'm gonna overrate the ideas "that come out of it." You know, like the face and the body, that's the marketing team for the self. And like, you got me. I feel like I'm being gotten. Anytime I like show interest in someone I'm just attracted to, I feel like the people on the phone with the infomercial at four in the morning, like, "Yeah, I saw your commercial.
"It looks pretty good." Like, "Well, hold on a second. "Don't get tricked. "What's their personality like?" But you can't see their personality. That takes time, it takes energy, it takes focus and attention. Face is right there. I just think if you have a fucked up personality, you should have a fucked up face. Like, I wanna see, like, your personality on your face. I don't wanna see, like, flesh.
I wanna see, like, nine months living in a one-bedroom apartment with you, like, here. What does that look like? You know, all this stuff. There's, like, all this, like, like, hair. It's like, ooh, you beautiful hair. It's like, who gives a shit? Hair? Hair is protein that arbitrarily grows out of your head against your will. And you have nice that. Cool. It's an aesthetic thing, I get it. If you say, but shit's gonna grow out of your head.
I don't wanna see, like, just random protein. I wanna see long, flowing locks of your ability to keep a secret. Like, that's what should come out of your head. That way you see someone with beautiful hair. You could be like, "I can trust that person." And we can continue not trusting bald people like we normally do, but we won't be shitheads for it. I can't trust that dude. He doesn't have the secret-keeping substance coming out of his skull.
Fuck that bald asshole. And that would be a legitimate thing to say as opposed to a low-key hate crime, like it is now. Can't call someone a bald asshole. They didn't pick that. There's all sorts of shit you can do to become more attractive, which is, like, goofy. There's things that I can do. I can work out, I can get in shape. I can get abs. People will be more attracted to me, which is so stupid 'cause all abs mean is I did this a lot.
Like, that's literally, all you know is I tricked my body into thinking it was building a house. Like, that's what abs are. It's an exploitation of an evolutionary glitch. Like, people are like, "Oh, he did this a lot. "He'll make a great date." Like, why, how? If abs are attractive, you should have to earn them. Like, you should earn them by doing some shit that matters. Like, help the elderly. Like, that would make, you know what I mean?
Like, you help an old lady cross the street and get ripped. Like, okay, that's good. Then you see a guy on the beach with washboard abs. You're like, well, he loves his grandma. Like, you would know a thing about him other than he did this after work four times a week. What a guy. What a cool guy. He might have even used a medicine ball. Whoa-ho-ho. What a cool guy. He probably did the sideways ones.
I think as a society, we know we're all attracted to certain things or whatever. We create a collective sort of like value system of what we find attractive. And when you live inside of that, you internalize that as your own. So people feel an internal sense of pride or shame based on how closely they correlate with what they think the value system is or whatever. And obviously the shame is well documented.
People get fucked up about how they look. But there's like, the pride is weird to me too. But it's like people, some people take pride in like shit they didn't, like there are men who have like, they take like pride in their dick. Like their dick, like their dick becomes a source of pride. Like my, my fucking dick. Like they talk, like they pride, they talk about their dick like it's a son that graduated from Yale.
It's like, where, where's the pride come from? My fucking dick, my big ass dick. It's not even my dick, I'm it's body. Like what, it goes somewhere and I'm just along for it. My fucking dick, my big ass dick. It's like, so, how'd you get it? It's like, dude, it just showed up. You didn't like weld it on there. It just, you're like, ugh. You didn't earn it. I feel like your dick should only be as big as like your heart.
Right? And it should only be as girthy as your capacity for change. That way you see a fat dick and go, that's a spiritually open, malleable human being. You sit on a fat dick. Ooh, I can feel his intellectual curiosity filling me up. You know, that stretching sensation, that's his desire to transcend his past mistakes. I like the way that feels. Makes me feel full. That makes sense. I'm on board with that.
I get tricked though. I'm attracted to eyes. I like eyes. I'm like, I'm like into eyes. Not in a bag, but on a head. You know? Okay. I like my eyes to be inserted into heads. Two eyes for every one head. It's my ratio. You can have yours. I'm not judging. It's 2018. You have any ratio you want. I like eyes. But then I, it's like, then I'm like, ooh, look at these eyes. I want to, I want to fuck this person.
It's like, it's like, wait a minute. What? The vagina. How'd that get in there? You know what I mean? It's not indicative either. The vagina. It's just kind of there. It doesn't tell me anything about you really. Vagina. It's not, I don't want to fuck that. I would much rather fuck like a warm, wet sense of discipline. Like I want to go down on your long-term focus. Like I want to eat out your determination.
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