Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Nice Lady' (2017) by Michelle Wolf on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Text Me, Have It All, Look At Me, Period, and The Bathroom Controversy.

Michelle Wolf

Nice Lady

I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't even like dating. I don't. Sometimes I try to do it. Sometimes I try to be a nice, normal lady. I'll go out on a date. I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. I thought that'd be fun. A big, strong guy who could pick you up and then set you down in a controlled manner. The date was not fun. All he talked about was exercise. And then finally, in the restaurant we were in, that song "Empire State of Mind" came on.
You guys know that song, right? "New York, concrete jungle where dreams are." He sang the whole song, both Jay-Z and Alicia's parts. This joke is three minutes long. That song is four and a half minutes long, which means after this joke is over, he'd still be singing for a minute and a half. You know if someone sings at you for more than four minutes, you're legally allowed to kill them? So finally the bill comes, it's $84.
He throws down $40 and he goes, "Is that enough?" And listen, I'm an independent woman. I'll pay for half my meal, but that's not half. So I never really want to see this guy again, but he keeps texting me. And one day he just sent me a picture of his bed. And I didn't know how to respond. I was like, "Congratulations on making your bed." So one of my friends goes, "Just text him you're not interested."
And then my other friend goes, "Text him the weirdest stuff possible. Then he'll leave you alone." I was like, "That's the one I'm gonna do." And I'm gonna read them to you now. I took screenshots of them, and I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. And I know a lot of people don't like selfies. They think you shouldn't take them. I think you should take them and you should post them.
But you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. Like, this is me looking cute. I'm gonna do it, '67. Okay, can you just confirm that these are real text messages? - Yeah, those look pretty real. - All right. You heard it from that guy with a puka shell necklace. I guess we'll have to trust him. No one's ever said that about a guy with a puka shell necklace before. They've been like, "I gotta cover this drink."
And he goes, "Hey, Michelle." I go, "Hey, Wildcat." "That's a pretty strong start. "We've been on one date." "Wildcat is an aggressive nickname out of the gate." "Wildcat, LOL, that's new. Kinda like it. What made you choose that nickname?" And I go, "Just something Tik-Tok-ing in my old noggin." That should be it, right? If someone texted you that, you'd be like, "Oh, she's insane. I have to never talk to her again."
But instead, he comes back with, "Love it, keep it up, how was your day?" And honestly, I get a little excited at this point because he's still holding on and I know I get to shift it into a higher gear to lose him. I feel like I'm in a car chase and all of a sudden I'm like, "All right, buddy." It's a pretty good car sound. He goes, "How was your day?" And I respond with, "Still chippin' away at the ham."
That's not a saying. For that to be a saying, it means at some point in time, people spent their day chipping ham. And it took so long, they'd have to send word to their loved ones, "Honey, I'm sorry. I can't come home for dinner tonight. I'm still chippin' away at the ham." You know, at my job at the ham chip factory. Which does sound delicious. And this is how I knew he was a formidable opponent.
He came back with, "Shit, make sure you leave a slice for me too." And by the way, I have the honey to go alongside the ham. Gross! What's the honey? I don't want the honey. Take the honey away. If the honey is what I think it is, no woman has ever wanted the honey. Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, but honestly, it's an inconvenience. Most of the time we're like, "Hey, wipe this off. I'm gettin' sticky."
So I don't respond. I need time. I need to regroup. I need to train. Normally when I'm this stressed out, I go to the gym, I go to the gym, but I can't do that. Couple days later, he texts me, "Hi, Wolfgang, LOL." And I 100% believe he LOL'd at that. He was like, "She gave me a nickname. I'm gonna give her a nickname. Wolfgang. Ha, ha, ha. I am the best. "Hi, Wolfgang, LOL. I was wondering if you'd accompany me Friday night.
I'm taking some of my clients out for their birthday." And I responded with, "No dice, Squirrel Man. Got plans on plans on waffles." That is some of the best work I've ever done. I'm pretty sure Squirrel Man is a huge downgrade from Wildcat. If someone started calling me Wildcat and then switched to Squirrel Man, I'd be like, "Oh my God, what did I do?" And I don't know what "plans on plans on waffles" means, but it's too much before breakfast.
And this bitch comes back with, "Oh cool, make sure you don't forget the syrup." And I don't know what to do at this point because I'm pretty sure he's falling in love with me. And I think maybe I'm falling in love with him. So I text him, "I love you." And then I never heard from him again. Thanks a lot, guys. You've been great. I'm Michelle Wolf. I don't want to have a baby. This isn't an abortion joke.
I'm not pregnant. I don't want to have a baby, and I got to get out of here. I don't want to have a baby or a family. I want a career. That's what I want. And I know there's a lot of people out there that are like, "But, Michelle, you don't have to choose. You can have it all. Women can have it all." Yeah, stop saying that. You act like all is good. All does not mean good. You've never left an all-you-can-eat buffet and thought, "I feel really good about myself."
That crab and pudding is sitting really well together. I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs. All is not good. And even if we do try to have it all, even if a woman out there definitely wants it all. We've put up too many obstacles in your way to make it possible. It's like, "Oh, congratulations. You're having a baby? Great. Couple things. We're going to need you to get that car accident of a body back to work as soon as possible, because this is America, and we don't think you need time to recover.
Also, you should breastfeed. It's what's best for the baby. But don't do it in public, you pig. Do it in the old janitor's closet underneath the bridge with the rest of the breastfeeding trolls. And don't ask to take time off from work when your kids are sick. We'll think you're not dedicated. Also, why are you such a bad mom? By the way, your salary is just enough to cover the cost of childcare. And we know you're exhausted.
You don't really know who you are anymore. You're trying to balance your old life and your new life. But quick, go have sex with your husband. He's about to leave. He doesn't understand what you're going through. Quick, go now, and, sweetie, smile! I don't want it. Men don't try to have it all. They're just like, I got a job and a sandwich. I'm good. My wife says if I behave for another year, she'll give me a section of the garage where I can sit.
I love sitting. I don't want to be a mom. I wouldn't mind being a dad. That seems like more fun. And there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there. But a great dad is still just an OK mom. A fork is a shitty spoon. we cared so much about how we look women we put in so much effort into being beautiful and i think we should be more like men because they don't really care about their bodies and look at them they're successful they're presidents they're ceos you never heard a ceo go i want to get profits up and keep costs down and love me for me you know who should care about their bodies men you have weird bodies men you're gross your balls are gross i've never seen a guy like oh i can't wait to get his pants off and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs what is it it's like a goblin's coin purse it's like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar you're like please be grapes balls seem like a real god whoopsie i think when you're putting together furniture and you have a couple leftover pieces and you're like ah those were supposed to go somewhere they look important i guess i'll hang them from a satchel even the name sounds like a mistake like what are you going to call them screw them okay i'm sorry i didn't realize it's a bad time i'm so sorry you are so lucky that we get our faces near them if a woman puts your balls in her mouth you should pay her a lot of money and not like a prostitute kind of way and like that was a very nice thing you just did and i don't know how to say thank you here is some money it's a selfless act it's selfless there's not a single woman in the world sitting around her book club being like you know what gets me off a lumpy skin sack hey not my mouth i don't know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy your balls are saggy you wear a bra and you make it fancy you dress up for me i get one wrinkle my career is over i have to put paint on my face to leave my home and you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly dangly bags of crap you should have to put makeup on them or at the very least googly eyes i don't know if that would be better or worse but it would be fun he's happy he said he lost his bone a real mr magoo and the thing is i think we should all be ashamed of our bodies every single one of us like that's why we wear clothes that's why animals have fur you ever seen a shaved cat you look that cat in the eyes and you're both ashamed you saw a turtle outside of its shell you'd be like get the back inside your shell i don't care how confident you are in your weird turtly body also can we be sure that turtles have bodies is it just a head and feet it seems like it might be a scheme and i'm the worst because i say we shouldn't care about how we look but i work out all of the time i run every day i love running i have no idea what i'm training for because i am not physically gaining any skills like the only way working out is ever going to help me in life is at some point someone tries to rob or rape me by chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace from the beginning if some guy's like watch out i'm gonna rape you i'm like nah uh not unless you can keep this up for 30-ish minutes although i'm gonna have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring could you help me with that no funny stuff could you help me with that women we spend so much time trying to be beautiful we spend so much time when ugly things are constantly happening to us like every month we get our period i know we're not supposed to talk about it it's very nice that we don't talk about it it is the only time a human is bleeding and that's not what the conversation is about like if paul got his arm ripped off and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office i should tell you a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after the show and been like hey you shouldn't use arm ripping off as your example it's too extreme oh is it one of them actually said you should use nosebleed instead oh you think it's like a nose bleed all this time i could have just tipped my hips up and it would have gone away i'm such a dumb lady paul's arms viciously torn from his body it's torn from his body he walks into the office no one's gonna be like how are the expense reports coming paul and paul wouldn't be expect to respond great and i feel fine just a normal day for me nothing weird happening here i don't want to murder you paul wouldn't be sneaking off to a corner of his office to see if blood had gone through his bandage that's happening at your work women are walking around being like did i tie my shoe oh i'm good never mind and you poor dumb men are like she doesn't even have laces carol's having a weird day the only thing you ever really ask about periods is when is it gonna be over and we always give you the same answer soon because we have no clue it could be over in 20 minutes it could be over in 10 days it can be over in three days and then take a break for two days