Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Central Presents Patrice O'Neal' (2003) by Patrice O’Neal on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Patrice O'Neal Comedy Central Presents Part 2.

Patrice O’Neal

Comedy Central Presents Patrice O'Neal

I'm one of these dudes, man, I don't care that much about people, right? I'm like, I got a soft spot in my heart for animals and stuff. I'm one of them dudes, man. I see a dog, I'm like, aw, a dog without a home. I'll be like, aw, a doggie. Dude, homeless dude, I'm, you know. I'll kick him. I might give him money, but I'll trip him or something. It's funny. I don't like to see homeless dudes with dogs.
I don't like that, you know what I mean? He'll just be like, I give him the money, I'll be like, you better, that's for your dog, man. I'm telling you, man, you better feed your dog, man. I'm telling you. It's not for you, man. I don't care if you die, man, you better, matter of fact, I'm going to watch your dog, man, go, you know, go. Love animals, man. How the hell can you just do something wrong to, you know?
That's why some of these countries, man, the food they eat, you know what I'm saying? I'm going to say China, but I don't mean China. I just mean like countries that Chinese people come from, like, whatever. You know, they eat our pets, man, you know? That's what they eat. Our pets are the people, things we love, you know? Yeah, they eat them. I don't think we eat a puppy, man. I'd be skinny if I had to kill my own food, man.
I'm glad, I'm really glad my food comes murdered for me. If I had to shoot a cow in the face for my hamburger, you know, you know, you know, you know how dead you are, cow, f***, ready to eat them. And the cow's just looking at me, you know, you'd be like, damn, I can't kill a cow. I could kill fish, though, because fish don't have any eyebrows, you know what I mean? Fish, we do a lot of stuff to fish that ain't right.
Because as soon as you catch it, it's suffocating, but the eyes don't, so it can't scream, you know? So you just want to hurt a fish. That's the same for a dude. If you were stabbing a dude, and he just was standing there, not blinking, and not saying, but he can't breathe, and his eyes ain't, and he just. But he really dying. He's like, you better act, you better blink, and it's just. You could kill him.
So poor fish. Dang it. I just started realizing I was American, man. I never thought I was American, you know what I mean, until I left, you know? Or to the, you know, the attacks, man. I didn't like America, nobody. Black people don't like America. But now I do, you know, because I travel. They hate us in other countries, man. When I go to other countries, man, I look for, you know, I look for people.
I don't care if you got KKK on your knuckle, and big time redneck, man. If I see you in another country, you're like, you're my brother, because they hate us, man. The same. Call you Yank. Yank. And they say it with that Yank, that real evil. Because we're arrogant. That's why they hate us. Because we're arrogant. Our arrogance is far superior than anyone else. Because we don't care with our arrogance.
Because we're not number one in anything, I don't think. Basketball. Whatever. Sports. But we're not even number one in that, really. And we're just arrogant. We don't care. We don't know the name of nobody else's president. They know GW. They know him. Other countries know GW. But the thing is, why they hate us is because we don't know, and we don't care. Because you'll be like, what say? Do you know the name of my country's leader?
You'll be like, no. And they'll be like, well, his name? You're like, I don't, don't tell me that. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't want to hear that. We refer to our sports champions as world champs. And we don't play nobody else in the whole world. We just play people from other cities, man. The Los Angeles Lakers are the world champs of Los Angeles and the rest of the world. Because nobody can stop Shaq anyway, so we're world champs.
I'm so arrogant. When I travel to other people's countries, I refer to them in their own country as foreigner. I act like they visiting me. I look at them like, oh, where are you from, man? Where are you from? Like clothes you got on, foreigners? Oh, who the? What is this language you're speaking here in Turkey? Speak English! Speak English! We feel safe, don't we? Yeah, GW. A lot of people don't like GW.
I like him because I feel safe with him. Times of War, this is great. He a crazy cracker. Our president is a crazy cracker. Chew tobacco and all type of stuff. Kill you in a minute, man. We just feel safe. You feel comfortable. We like Clinton because all of it. He got his b****. But if he was in office, man, oh, you know, oh, but GW. You see what he's doing to Saddam? Saddam don't want none of us.
He don't, man. He's trying his best to please go to my country. Please check everything. And GW's like, did he? He just called me a pussy, didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? No, my friend. He sound like one of them dudes selling you a coat. My friend. My friend. Please. My friend. I'll give you good pranks. Please. Don't do this, my friend. Oh, wait. What? What? What? What? What? What he saying?
That's George W, man. He's dying. They don't want nothing. He's crazy. Crazy. And we don't care. We don't have ripped off the presidency on some mob stuff. He just, he stole it on some gay s***** gay stuff. We don't even care. We're like, eh, whatever, man. He was like, Al Gore won Florida, and Daddy Bush just went, no, he didn't. He didn't even say how he knew. He just made it. He don't care. Is that crazy cracker got his hand on the button?
What? What? Huh? What? Excuse me? What? What'd he say? He just said my mom. He didn't. He didn't. No, George. Don't. And they're not going to build a World Trade Center shorter. It can't happen. They win. If they build it shorter, they might build it 60 stories, but then they'll put another 80 stories of cardboard on it and make it look taller, shaped like middle fingers, the lights blinking off and on.
We don't care. After they blow up New York, they're going to move to Chicago, blow up Chicago, then blow up Los Angeles, and then they'll be all finished. We'll be finished. I mean to not finish, but they'll be done. They'll be like, hey, all right, cool. What do you mean? Three states. Then they don't know how crazy we are. We'll just go punk Canada into being the new New York. We'll just be like, come here, Canada.
Come here. Shut the f***. Come here. Come here, Canada. And they'll be like, hey, what do you want? Hey, my ass. Come here. Come here. You're the new New York. Toronto is the Bronx. Montreal is Harlem. I'm waiting for them to attack another state. That'd be nice, right? Just to be like, whoa. You know, like Nebraska or whatever. Nebraska, you know. But they not. But people in Nebraska nervous. Oh, they're going to go and get the corn.
We got to be careful. And not people in Iowa worried about all the cereal factories being under attack. It ain't going to happen. Six tractors were hijacked today and driven into a cereal factory in Iowa. It's a terrible sight here, Jim. We're live at the Raisin Brand Factory. Raisin silo number one is completely engulfed in flames. I think next year there's only going to be one scoop of raisins. Then right after that, we'll have the commemorative sad cereal boxes and Tony the Tiger will be like.
It's not, it's not so great right now. And he's, the moment of silence. Krispies, you put the milk in it, don't do for five minutes. I got to go, man. Y'all take care, man. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you. Comedy Central presents Patrice O'Neill Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! A lot of white girls here. Give it up for white girls. They got asses now.
White girls used to... I don't know what y'all eating. White girls used to be notorious for flat asses. It was... On the ass chart, it used to be white girls, Chinese boys, than... police. How white girls feel having asses now? Y'all really... Y'all used to throw up every time somebody said you had a fat ass back in the day. Oh, damn white girl, you got a fat ass! I got... I got... I got... Oh my god, I ate too many air and salad sandwiches.
My ass is fat. I got... I got... Now Asian girls run that whole thing. Yeah. Asian girls' asses look like... CD... cases. They... I... Chinese girls' asses are just not there. God bless Indian girls too. And I mean, uh... These Indian girls... Remember... It's sad now, cause you got... Everybody's full of... Nah, it... Can't even have fun no more. Everybody gotta be careful. You be like, "Hey, what?"
Uh... You know, you ask somebody, "What are you?" And they be like, "Indian..." First thing you go, "Is it this one?" Or "Woo-hoo, which one?" You go, "Woo-hoo, which one?" You go, "Woo-hoo, who?" Leave Mike alone. He didn't throw the baby. You know what I mean? He just held it over the rail. Why y'all bother Mike like that, man? You see Cher on TV? Oh, my... That's my impression of Cher. Oh, look at Michael.
Oh, yeah. That's my impression of Cher. Oh, look at Michael. I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, who?" I'm like, "Woo-hoo, do a duet with your muckle." What happened to the sniper? When he was a white guy, man, we heard a lot about him. When he was a white guy, he was a genius.
A mastermind, a diabolical, insidious madman. The country is in grips of terror behind this amazing-- How's he-- How's he escaping? He must be building his own helicopters. And flying-- Now you've been downgraded to . Now you don't hear nothin' about him. Type up "sniper" on the internet. Page not found. Can't find him. Look here, um, this is there. It's sad. I don't know whether to be proud or upset, you know what I mean?
'Cause we comin' a long way, man, we could do some white guy crime. That's traditional white guy stuff. Sniper, nobody thought that was a black dude, man. That's traditional, crazy white guy stuff. Like chloroforming women, that's a white guy crime. Chloroforming. That's a white guy's the chloroformer in the park. Miss, do you have the time? Miss, do you have the time? Yeah, sure, it's-- Wake up, hangin' in the basement.
He'd be in the corner, like-- Black guy couldn't be the chloroformist. Miss, can I have the time? No, I can't, no, I can't help you. He'd be standing there with the fumes. Excuse me, you got the time? I'm the chloroformer. I feel bad for white dudes now. White dudes are Finnish, man. You are, you really? You got the time at the time? No, I can't help you. He'd be standing there with the fumes. Excuse me, you got the time?
I'm the chloroformer. I feel bad for white dudes now. White dudes are Finnish, man. You are, you really? You got the time at the time? No, no, no, I can't help you. He'd be standing there with the fumes. Excuse me, you got the time? I'm the chloroformer. I feel bad for white dudes now. White dudes are Finnish, man. You are, you really? You know you are. It's sad. It's sad for me. It's no fun. No fun no more.
Can't be racist. It's beautiful. I'm so happy I can be racist now. Isn't that fantastic? People look at me like, oh, you're a, oh, that's all. Man, you're a racist, man. It's beautiful. 'Cause Arabs are the new . Arabs... And black people know it. Black people, we are really good at being racist, man. Black people look at Arabs like white people look at us. We, oh, I, oh. We call, we call them them.
You know it. I'm a filthy racist. Yep. Uh-huh. I'm a dirtbag. I am no good. Black and white people rule the earth. Why? 'Cause we picked a color. Why? Why didn't anybody else pick a color, man? Why? You gotta be specific all the time. Call somebody Japanese, Chinese. You get a big . What makes you think I'm . And you be like, oh, my God. I mean, your eyes do the same. I didn't know this. Palestinians don't like to be called Pakistanis.
I thought Arab was Arab. Nope. Call a Pakistani dude Palestinian. Hey, so, where you from, Palestinian? Spit at you, dude. What do I look like? L