Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'I Hate Myself' (2020) by Joe List on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Joe List

I Hate Myself

- Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List. - Thank you! - Thank you. Thank you. That was way too much. I feel like... I feel like everyone's aware that that was too much. There was definitely a moment where collectively, everyone was like, "I think we're overdoing it a little bit." I appreciate it. That was nice. Some of you, I felt like that was more about you than it was me, to be honest. I feel like a couple of you are like, "I'm gonna be the guy.
I'm gonna... They're gonna hear me." At least four of you are like, "I can't wait to watch this 'cause I'm gonna point out my voice going, "Hey!" That's fair. Good to be here in New York. I said it like I'm visiting. I live here. It's nice to live here. It's nice to live here. I travel all the time, every week. I hate flying. I get very anxious when I fly. I'm not afraid of a crash. I'm afraid of a conversation.
That's what I hate about flying. I was on a plane the other day. The guy next to me was like, "What do you do?" And I was like, "I mind my own business on airplanes." That's um... First of all, you're sitting too close together to have a conversation. The guy's trying to make eye contact. We're just staring at each other from this distance. I'm like, "I could kiss you without using a neck muscle. That's how close you are."
I was on a plane the other day. The guy next to me was eating a lollipop. "Don't you think that's an inappropriate airplane food, a lollipop? It's too noisy." He's like... I was like, "Sir, you're turning me on. Could you relax a little bit?" They don't even sell lollipops at the airport. That's a from home lollipop. That guy got a lollipop. He's like, "I'm gonna hold onto this until I fly. I wanna make sure I have that."
Three inches from somebody's ear. I don't even know where you get a lollipop, by the way. Outside of a bank and a doctor's office? They don't sell 'em, do they? If you gave me $10 right now, and you were like, "Go get me a lollipop." I would come back a week from now with my shirt torn and be like, "I couldn't do it, I don't know." I hate everybody on every plane. We all hate each other, though. That's not exclusive to me.
We all hate each other. You know everyone hates each other on the airplane? 'Cause as you're boarding the airplane, everyone just stares at you, dead in the face, angrily. The whole flight's just... That's the only time as a society, we're not looking at our phone. Everyone's like, "Let's put our phones away and look upset at everybody else on this airplane." I hate it, but I do it too. I'm just as guilty.
As soon as I sit down, I'm like, "Look at this fucking idiot getting on the plane. "What?" Back there. It doesn't matter where you are on the plane. You feel better than everybody behind you, don't you? You could be in the second to last row, this one guy behind you. You're like, "What a fucking idiot, back there." Embarrassing. Loser. Last row. I was on a plane the other day. I hated the guy behind me.
He kept yawning out loud the whole flight. Am I a psycho or is that annoying? The whole flight, he's like, for like five hours. I wanted him to die. I swear to God. I was like, "I hope this guy passes away on the flight." First of all, you don't need to make a noise when you yawn. That's a decision. He's deciding to do that. It's like if you were hungry on a plane, you were like, "I'm hungry!" People are like, "You all right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm hungry." I like to let people know when I'm hungry. I think it's important for people to know that. People yawn out loud, they want attention. That's why they're doing it. They want you to be like, "Oh my God, are you tired?" And they're like, "I am. Here's my entire life story of how I came to be tired. Don't fall for it. It's a trap." Plus, isn't it fun to not ask somebody a question when they really want you to ask them a question?
You ever do that when someone's like, "I had a wild night last night." And then you're like, "Neat." And then you just walk away. That's like one of my favorite things to do. Just tell me your shitty story. Don't make me ask for it. I flew recently, I was at the airport, LaGuardia Airport here in New York. That's my home airport. I was walking to the terminal. They were playing "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses at the airport.
That's a weird airport song. I'm a rock and roll guy. I love Guns N' Roses. I'm cool, but it's a little much at the airport. I walk to the terminal. I just hear, "Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da." I'm like, "Hey, can we cool it down a little bit?" It's 7:30 AM. I'm eating a muffin, looking for an outlet. I don't think we need to rock this hard. Also, it's a little unnerving to be boarding a flight and hear, "You're gonna die!"
I'm like, "Shit, am I?" If they play "Knocking on Heaven's Door" next, they're never flying again. Take the bus. I do fly every week, though. Pretty much literally every week. I get upgraded a lot. That's the nice thing about flying all the time. I got upgraded recently, my wife and I, both of us. Like, we have two tickets in first class, but they're not together. We'd have to separate you. Is that okay?
And I was like, "100%." I feel like that one hurt your feelings. I love my wife, I'm joking. I love my wife, but you gotta take first class, if you can get it. They could be like, "We have two tickets in first class, but you have to get divorced to have them." I would be like, "Baby, we had a great run. I love you, come on, let's get comfy." It was cross-country first class, though. That's the real deal shit.
That's where your seat turns into a bed. It is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those, 'cause they put me with like a random fat guy. And I'm not making fun of him for being fat, 'cause some of you are fat, but he was so fat, he was coming into my seat. Like, we were flushed shoulder to shoulder, and then we slowly eased back into bed together. And then we chose the same movie, and I was like, "This is the most romantic date I've ever been on."
I'm like, "If this guy makes a move, I'll bang him right here. I don't give a shit." We got blankets, turbulence. When Harry Met Sally's on, it's nice, you know? At one point on the flight, I got up, I looked over, my wife had her own guy that she was in bed with. And then he was like the hottest guy on the plane. And that pissed me off, 'cause I was like, "I want that guy. Switch guys. You take this piece of shit.
I want the hot guy. I paid for these tickets." I like watching movies on the plane. We all do that, right? I like Delta. I fly Delta. Delta's the best airline. They have the best movies on Delta. I don't know who categorizes the movies at Delta. I don't think they're doing a great job. I was on a flight the other day. I went to the classic section, and the hangover part two was under classics. I swear to God.
It was To Kill a Mockingbird, It's a Wonderful Life, and the hangover part two. Classic. I remember the first time I saw the hangover part two. My grandfather showed it to me. It was on Turner Classic Movies, and we watched it on his black and white TV. Really bonded. That wasn't the most egregious though. The most ridiculous one I went to. This is true. You can check my Instagram account. I went to documentary, and the movie A Quiet Place was under documentaries.
I don't know if you remember that movie. That was a summer blockbuster horror movie where monsters kill you if you make a sound. Somebody at Delta watched that movie and was like, "This is an amazing documentary." Holy shit. How did I not read about this in the papers? I'm glad somebody documented this. I'll tell you what I like to do though. I probably a lot of you guys do this. I like to download a movie.
Bring a laptop on the flight. Download a movie. Then you can just choose any movie you want. But you can use, you got to use some discretion because everyone around you can see the movie you're watching. So you don't want to get too weird with it. Like one time I brought the movie Casino. You guys all remember that movie? Great movie from the 90s. Scorsese, right? Very violent. If you haven't seen the movie, at one point in the movie, a guy has his head crushed in a vice and his eyeball pops out.
I looked over. There was a seven year old child just staring at my laptop. He looked horrified. I felt so bad. I was like, you know what? Take an earbud. It'd be better with sound if you could hear it. Then he started crying and I was like, are you ratting me out right now? Because I'll crush your little head in this laptop computer if I have to. I was on a plane one time. The lady next to me, she was watching Fifty Shades of Grey on her laptop.
Did you guys see that movie? Great documentary. It's a classic and a documentary, really. Very sexual film. I thought she was watching porn at first. I was like, good for you, lady. Get after it. Enjoy yourself. The flight attendant came by. She's like, would you like more pretzels? I was like, more napkins if you don't mind. I wasn't expecting to see tits on the plane. It kind of caught me off guard.
We were landing. She's like, could you put your tray table up? I'm like, I'd rather not right this moment. I'm in the full upright lock position myself. This is a spicier flight than I'm accustomed to. I can't sleep on the plane. Even with first class, I can't sleep on an airplane. I don't know about you guys. My friend's like, why can't you sleep on an airplane? He acts like I'm crazy. He's like, why don't you just go to sleep?
I'm like, I can't. And he's like, why? I'm like, is that hard to understand? That's not a normal sleeping situation. That's why. Like, if you went home tonight and you went to bed and there was a jet engine idling outside of your bedroom window, don't you think you might be like, I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window. And then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair.
And there was 71 strangers in your bedroom with you. And then someone woke you up in the middle of the night to offer you a Coke. That's what they do on airplanes. Like, I know you're trying to sleep, but do you want a Coke right now? I'm like, yeah, yeah. Give me a Coke. I like to break up my sleep with a can of Coke. That's how I sleep at home. I sleep for four hours. I wake up. I drink a can of Coke.
Kind of spice up my dreams a little bit. Sometimes I boil cola right before bed. A little Sleepy Time Pepsi. I love Coke. I had to quit Coke. I quit Coca-Cola. I still do blow, obviously. You gotta live your life, you know. Coke is bad for you. I just drink it all the time. People would always tell me it's bad. People love to do that. My friend, people would always say, "Coke could take the paint off your car.
What does that tell you?" And I'm like, it tells me not to put it on my car. That's what I... I'm not putting it on my car. I'm putting it in my body. And I don't have any paint in my body. If I did have paint in my body, I would want to get rid of it. So if you think about it that way, Coke's actually a pretty healthy beverage. You don't want paint in your body. If your kid accidentally swallows some paint, give him a can of Coke.
Send him back out there. He'll be fine. It's very healthy. My buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane. He's like, "Do you want to borrow my sleep mask for your flight?" I was like, "I don't." First of all, I don't need a sleep mask. I have a built-in sleep mask called eyelids. My eyelids block out the light for me. Also, it's not the lighting. It's the farts and the announcements is what I'm having a hard time with.
You don't need a mask to sleep. You don't need a mask to sleep. Those words don't even go together. Sleep mask. That's like a masturbation helmet. It doesn't... They don't go together. Honey, have you seen my masturbation helmet and my bowel movement knee pads? They were with my sleep mask earlier. Now I can't find any of them. I have trouble sleeping at home 