Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Bryan Callen: Man Class' (2012) by Bryan Callen on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Bryan Callen

Bryan Callen: Man Class

I've got lines in my face, I don't know, I should have gotten my hair cut or something. I'm losing my hair in the weirdest way and this, I don't know if this shirt works. This is all wrinkly here and I don't even know if this makes me skinny or what. I just feel as though I could have used another week. You done? Your life is a lie. Do you understand me? I don't really like the way you're putting that.
I just feel as though I'm, um... You little boobies getting all full and stuff, huh? Your boobies aching, huh? You disgust me. I've got to go teach a man class now. Okay, maybe get a couple girls pregnant in the process, confuse a couple guys about their sexuality. And most importantly, bring some comedy heat. I'll see you later. I can't listen to this anymore. Don't fail! Maybe I was too hard on them.
Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Callen. Oh, yes! I say yes! Gets me excited! Look at my fingers. I didn't even plan that. That guy's got my fingers all erect and whatnot. What's going on? What a crowd! Nah, God, congratulations on that mustache, my friend. It's an aggressive mustache and there's another one. We don't play around. And you've got that, you've got, you've got... It's not even hair, it's a fucking mane.
It's a mane, man. And curly, it's wavy. It looks like a ski slope, only black. Looks like you're wearing a couple crow wings or something. Perfect for framing your mustache. Looks like a squirrel tail or something. I had a whole act and I come out and I see that. What to do with that? That's amazing. Dude, listen, let me explain something. First of all, you don't always have to wear it like that. Maybe just sit in your eyes.
Let it sit in your eyes and eat a peach. You ever just eat tropical fruit? You're standing in the doorway and just... And let the chew strip down and catch in your mustache. Oh, butterflies, they land on your mustache! They love peach and... And butterflies, then you breathe in and they're like this and you breathe out, they're like... I'll do my whole act on his facial hair. You just gotta... Man's gotta know how to use his feathers, man.
We don't have any help from an industry. Gotta know how to use your body, man. On a scale of one to ten, I'm a five, solid, okay? Like, as a comic, they always give you a stool. You go to a bar, they give you a stool. Teach you a couple things, okay? I don't sit in stools, all right? That's how you kill yourself before you get out of the gates, okay? You walk in, wore your new outfit, you're like, "All right."
Ladies. Nice. I'm a grown man, my feet don't reach the ground, look at this. That doesn't make a girl wanna breathe with you. I never know, what are you gonna do, a little swim kick? Does that turn you on when I do that? Huh? You like that? Or should I tuck my feet? Now I tuck, that's what most of the time we tuck, we're not even sitting, I'm perching. Like a birdie or a kitty cat. Okay? Drone men don't perch.
Say, hey, turn heads when you're a regular guy, okay? Scale of one to ten, I'm a five, solid, okay? So I walk in, I gotta get their attention right away. What do I do? I don't know, I don't even walk in. I just start popping my legs, all right? Yeah, yeah. It's weird, she's like, why is that guy walking like a male chicken? Don't worry about it, honey, you're looking at me, that's the point, all right?
Get to the stool, moment of truth. She expects a kitty cat, maybe a birdie. What's the kid do, huh? I'm a five, now I'm a seven, aren't I? Exactly, exactly. Look at how flexible my upper groin is. My God, why is he caressing his own thigh? It's a free country, that's why. Look at that. Right there is the dirty under-grab goatee, you know what I'm talking about? Call that the D-U-G. His jeans are a little tight, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I wore them for the special. You guys wanna see eight, huh? I don't care, I don't care, I kid, I'm a kidder. You got your seatbelt on, you ready for eight? Fucking eight, look at that shit right there, look at that. Do not try this at home, you will tear your sack, you understand me? Take my workshop before you try that. It's an advanced move. I'll show you nine, but I'm not wearing the right pants.
You wanna see nine, I gotta be wearing my 1970s running shorts. Yeah, I said it, I said it, everybody's shorts come down to here, horse poo. I say, bring 'em high, bring 'em tight. I go a size too small, what do you think about that, OC? Yeah, tell you what's good about that. You walk in riding high, you throw a leg up, what happens? Listen, women can show off a little cleavage, I can't show off a little...
You know what I'm saying? Don't show the whole thing, I'm not trying to be vulgar just a little bit. Just the nubs, 'cause women like subtlety, they'll look too, they will look. They'll be like, "Oh my, is that what I, is that what I think, oh my god, ha, ha, ha, ha." Easy look, you lose. Yeah, mustache, don't show the whole thing, a lot of my students go overboard, trying to be extra sexy, you show the whole thing, it just ends up looking like somebody threw a dead baby bird against your leg, okay?
It's a disgusting metaphor, but I'm educated. I use metaphors. Gotta get this stool out of here. Is my assistant back there? Get my assistant, I don't do my own stuff. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, look at that, that's, yeah, that's Jeremy Piven. That's Jeremy, he delints me. He delints me. He's delinting me. He delints me. Thank you. Thank you. He's telling me I'm doing an amazing job, thank you. The Prius is fired up, ready to go, whenever you're done.
Yeah, I'll be done in about an hour, though. Thank you so much. Right there. Now what's, what's the lesson, what's the point of that? To show you I got A-list celebrity friends, that I make a ton of money, that cost me 20 grand, don't worry about it, all right? That's not the point. The point is, you can afford to have an assistant like that, a famous assistant, get you laid. I'm not a waver, by the way, either.
I don't do this. I don't know who invented this. This is not, this is, there's nothing masculine about that. Don't ever do that. You go to a bar, like, hi. I got caught in a double wave one time. People were like, oh my God, hi. Oh my God. What's that? No, no. Girl says hi to me in a bar, bang, I point, look at that. You see that? Isn't that more masculine? Yeah. No, how you doing? I throw it right back at him.
Watch me get out of it, ready? Just a little trick, I holstered my point. Never seen that. Point to this whole room if I want. I'm not gonna show off, I'm not doing that just to, you know, I've already showed you what I got going on over here. I can get you all. There's a group, but that's a problem. A lot of times there's a group of women or, you know, a group of people and you point like that, you create confusion.
'Cause they're like, you know, is he pointing at me or what? So you gotta have other techniques. You wanna see my technique? What? I'm not baiting you. I'm not baiting you. I'm just saying. I just wanna say. People are like, that's impossible. How you gonna point to everybody? I don't know. How about like that? Yeah, five finger under point, look at my knee, alright? Yeah, I'm getting everybody. And you guys with my thumb, just 'cause.
Yeah, it's awesome, alright? You know why that's awesome? 'Cause you hit a bunch of women like that, you're like, what's up ladies? They're like, oh my god, he points like a wizard. Uh-huh. Yeah. Alright, now. And by the way, if you're a nerd, don't come up to me after the show like, "Excuse me, wizards point." I've had that a couple times. We're like, yeah, wizards, you were pointing, they actually point.
I know how a wizard, I don't wanna get into a conversation about wizardry with you. Okay, nerd? How about that? I'm an adult. It's a bad habit anyway. Never do the authentic wizard point, ever. That's the best, always please under point. Always under point, never over point. Always under, never over. Always. I can't say it enough. Why? You get in the habit of this all the time, you're like, hey, what's up man?
Aha, I'm a wizard, that's fine. Problem is sometimes you got people in the upper rows, balcony, second story. And they're like, hey, how are you? You can't be like, what's up? How are you guys? Yeah. Now I'm a Nazi bastard. You see that? You see how you go from sexy wizard to huge A-hole with the swivel of your wrist? Yeah. And this is the beautiful thing about life. The way you use your body sends off all the right or the wrong signals.
You get caught in the white power salute, I'll show you how easy it is to get out of. You get excited, you're like, hey, what's up? They're like, oh my God, he's a Nazi. All you gotta do is bring your fingers in. Now we got black power, motherfucker. You see that? I'm so inclusive. It's just tough being a regular straight guy, too. In this society, we live in a very puritanical, homophobic society.
You just can't do certain things. You can't be too expressive with your body. You can't, you can't, you just can't, you know. You can't, you can't, you can't announce yourself. You can't, I'm here! You can't do that. You can't walk in. I've always wanted to, you know, just that. You can't, you can't frolic through wheat. That's always, no matter how, like, stressful my day, I can never just run through wheat and for, and for, just forget my sorrows.
You know what I mean? Never! Women never go, "Oh my God, that's so hot, he's frolicing." They never, not once, in the history of man. You can't run through that same wheat field like this. You can't drag a hen over the wheat, either. You can't do that. I never, there's no manual for it. I just know that's not allowed. Without sending a different signal, that's all. You know? It's funny, too, when guys, I noticed I was at a game the other day, and guys cheer like this, like they, they gotta, you know, if you're like, "Yeah!"
If you're cheering your team on, or you're at a concert, or what, "Yeah, we're number one!" It's this. See how I got a little bend here, this area gets a lot of oxygen, and I'm here, right here, right? That's how I got, "Yeah! Woo! Number one!" You'll never see your buddy like, "Woo! We're number one!" Why not?" You can't lock the knees and the elbow at the same time. You can't do that. It's funny.
Straight guys will never lock their knees, and you never lock the joints. I'll tell you a story. I thought about that, 'cause my buddy, I don't like making fun of anybody for being gay, or I just never thought it was funny, 'cause I got, you know, my buddies, I have a friend who's a drag queen, and he's, I grew up with him, very gay. Uh, like, really, like feathers, the whole thing. He's literally like, you know, the kind of guys, like, when I'm with him, I've had other gay men come up and go, "Uh, my friend's a little, hmm," you know?
And, uh... Yeah. So, uh... So, this guy brought out a snake, and I don't like snakes, okay? So, I was with my other friends and my buddy Jay, and I assumed the standard "I don't like snake" stance, the standard straight guy "I don't like snake" stance, which is a little here. You see? Again, a bend in the knees here, I'm low here, and I'm ready, I'm ready in case I gotta punch the snake in the fans.
Right? And that, that's how, if you ever look at, like, regular straight guys, they always, there's always a little hunch to the shoulders, there's always a little, I think it goes back to hunting, I think it goes back to caveman days, where, you know, when you're hunting deer, you gotta stay, you gotta have a little give, 'cause you're under, you're staying under the foliage here, you can't, if you have good posture, they see your head.
You know what I mean? That's how you're spooking the deer with your posture! So, you gotta stay under here like that, and then you gotta push off here, it's always, when you spear a deer, but then again, that rustling may not be a deer, it could be a tiger, so you gotta fucking fight it, you know? But hunting, fighting po