Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Me Doing Stand-Up' (2011) by Norm Macdonald on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: It's Good to Be Alive, The News, Best Disease Ever, Sex, and Tiger Woods.

Norm Macdonald

Me Doing Stand-Up

My sister's kid is tattooed from his head down to his toes He claims trouble follows him everywhere he goes He's such a lazy, loafing, good-for-nothing, drunken slob But still he thinks I ought to give his sorry ass a job People and their problems are giving me a pain People and their problems are messing with my brain I try to hear from someone but they always go to certain People and their problems are messing with my brain Thanks for coming out to great San Francisco, greatest city and the amazing Bill Moore and you know the unbelievable It's good to be alive, you know what I mean?
You get it? That's what I say That's what I like I find that to be the goodest thing there is To be alive and the reason it's so good is because it's so bad to be dead It's not like life's so fucking great but Compared to being smothered in earth So I just every day I'm happy now that's my goal in life is not to die Everybody need a goal and so that's my New Year's resolution every year I go I'm not gonna die I'm not gonna die I think actually scientists should kind of look into that whole death thing because they seem to focus on diseases And you know I don't give a fuck about them because You know the guy go hey you guys We fixed your arthritis And they go I'm still gonna die?
They go yeah So that I think is the biggest problem That's why I can't get behind politicians you know because they're always like our biggest problem today is unemployment And I'm like what about getting old and sick and dying? And they usher me out the back way you know but Seriously if there was a politician ever that said by my second term there will be no death I go I'm voting for that fucker I'd just give that guy all my money and I'd sit on a chair Sometimes I actually think I won't die You think that?
You go fuck it I'm not dying But in your mind when you know you analyze you realize you know like Like you know my dad died and my grandfather died and my great grandfather died you know And the guy before him I don't know probably died I think he died Because otherwise he'd be on extra No I I come from a long line of death That's my point That's my point And so I fear it you know I fear it a lot And I think most of us do you know But it's funny like how Like what we fear How we're gonna die It's always the ways we don't die You know what I mean?
Like we go God damn I hope a polar bear doesn't eat me Or some crazy shit you know Or I hope an airplane you know I got an airplane today You know every time you get on an airplane you go I hope I don't die But you never die on an airplane? Ridiculous You go I hope a terrorist does not attack and kill me I hope that doesn't happen You know I was afraid of that But you think about it What's the odds that a terrorist will attack and kill you?
You know almost zero you know But what are the odds that you will be attacked and killed by your own heart? That's about a hundred percent you know I think Heart's not good People think it is but in People like hearts They go here's a Valentine's heart You go oh yeah I go that guy's got a big heart I go you better fucking watch it then Cause And attack and kill him I don't know if he knows that That's what got my dad His heart attacked and killed him And he was lying on his bed And boom dead on the floor You know they said it was instantly And my dad he wasn't expecting it He was looking for fucking Arabs and shit And his heart attacked and killed him And he was dead like instantaneously And sad we were all sad When something like that happens People will just try to make you feel better They'll say anything you know One guy said to me Don't worry Norm He died in his sleep He didn't feel a thing And I was like really?
When his heart attacked and killed him? He didn't Cause I wake up like if my cat walks across my belly You know what I mean? I don't know if my dad was that sound asleep One guy said he's in a better place I said he's on the floor Dead Earlier he was alive on the bed With that Tempur-Pedic pillar I bought him for Christmas I'm I'm no physician But I think that's the better place over there On the bed Your only chance if you have a heart attack Is if they get there early enough They have these things called defibrillators And what they do is They attack your hearse Cause that's all the heart understands Is violence you know And uh So they get there early They go And then your heart's like I wasn't gonna kill him That's funny that you thought that I thought that I was just worried He was eating Too much eggs And shit You actually get defibrillators I urge you to get them You know Cause you can get them I ordered them You get them And then you can teach your loved ones How to use them on you And they even Show how you can use them on yourself And uh So I sent away for them And I'm getting them And uh I'll tell you what I'm gonna do As soon as I get the box I am going to Preemptively Attack my hearse And before it does anything I'll just be like Ah!
My hearse is like What? I didn't do anything And you go Fucking right sonny You're not going to On account I'm carrying around These fuckers with me Wherever I go So I think I'll go on a rollercoaster now And Eat a egg . Now, listen, man, I like the news. You guys like the news? I always watch the news. And I'll tell you something about the news. I don't understand it. But it's for some reason I watch it.
I don't even know why. But I think I'm supposed to or something. So I'll watch it, and then the guy will come on, and he'll go, anyways, today the deficit. And I'll go, ah, I've heard that word. And the guy goes, today the Dow Jones Nasdaq Composite Index is down. And then I go, ah, that's not good. Down. Up. I like when it's up. That's my opinion on this. Seems like there's too much news, like, you know, because now they have 24-hour news.
Now, when I was a young boy, the news was half an hour. That was the whole news, you know. And a guy would come on, and he'd have a tie, you know, and shit, and he would say the news. And it was a half an hour long. Now, it's 24 hours long. Now, it turns out that back in the old days, when it was only half an hour, they had it about right. That's about all the news there is. Even then, there would always be, like, a story, some fucking story at the end about a caribou or some horse shit.
So, there wasn't even enough to fill the half an hour. But 24 hours, way too long. So, they have to keep repeating stories all the time and everything, and they'll make up stories, you know. They do that a lot, make up things that aren't really news stories, but they have to, you know, fill the 24 hours, you know. And the one I noticed that they make up a lot, this is the latest one I've seen. I see this all the time on the news.
The newsman will come on. He'll go, he'll go, good evening, everybody. This is the newsman. Whatever he says. He's not going to say that. And he goes, our top story tonight, a lady has vanished. That's the story. And then, he goes, let's go outside where there's another guy. So, then they cut to outside. Then, there's a guy outside, and he's like, hey, listen. How's it going inside? We're outside, and we found out about this lady that vanished.
Her name was Janice. And they found her car here in the Taco Bell parking lot. And don't worry about the car. It's fine. But, can't find her in her hair or the lady. Oh, back to you. So, then you're watching. You go, well, I don't give a fuck. On account I never knew Janice in the first place. Matter of fact, I'm kind of happy it's Janice and not somebody I know. But then, what they do is, they start telling you about Janice, you know.
And they go, hey, we found out some cool things about Janice. And you're like, no, that's cool. I don't want to hear it. They go, no, no, you want to hear it. They can't help themselves. So, they go, let's go back to Bill. He's still outside. And, how's it going, Bill? And Bill's like, it's all right. It's no inside, but it's cool. And, anyways, we found out about Janice. Turns out, she's a good lady.
And we found some friends of hers, and here they are. And then, sure enough, they show a lady, and it says, friend of Janice. And she says, I'll tell you something about Janice. You want to hear about Janice? Janice is a type of lady that you could always turn to. You know, you ever want to turn to somebody? Like, if you've got a problem or something, and you feel like you want to turn? You ever do that?
Or maybe your neck just hurts, and you want to anyways. The point of it is that once you swiveled your head over this way, the person you'd most want to see in your eyeline would be Janice. And then they have another friend of Janice that wasn't the first one. And she'll go, I'll tell you, Janice, oh, my God. She was the type of lady that she could walk into a room and light up the whole room, you know?
And she didn't have a fucking lighter, not like that. She would just somehow, through sheer tyranny of will, she could somehow illuminate a room. I don't know. And that would be Janice's third friend lady that's not one of the earlier two. And then she goes, I'll tell you about Janice. Is that who you're asking me about, Janice? Janice was the type of lady that you could be talking to your best friend in the whole world, and then Janice come in and you go, fuck you, I'm talking to Janice.
Because Janice is better than you. Come on, let's face it. She's better than all of us. So anyways, then you're at home, and you start liking Janice, you know what I mean? You start getting invested in her. You go, goddamn, that Janice is a cool lady. I would like to meet her one day. That would be a lot of, fuck, I forgot she vanished. Ah, just my luck. They'll find her. Then you get hope. That's not good.
I don't give a fuck what Obama says. Hope is never good. Don't try it. It never works out. So you go, you go, oh man, they'll find Janice. They're putting pictures up of her on telephone poles. I think that had worked once. And then the news keeps showing you more things about Janice, you know? And they'll show you, like, the home videos of her. You're like, goddamn, look at that. She's eating a pizza.
I like her hair like that. They'll find her. And then you become obsessed with Janice. It's all you can think of, you know? You're at work. Fucking just can't wait to get home agonizing over Janice, you know? And thinking about her with eating pizza and shit. And then you go home. And your nights are just fevered dreams of, you know, Janice and bangs and shit like that. And all you can do is turn on the TV and hope.
And, you know, and then one day, you know, they go, hey, more news on Janice. Here's Bill. He's still outside. And then Bill is, like, outside. And he's like, here we are. Where, as you can see behind me, they are scouring the woods. They're still searching for Janice, you know? And then you go, oh, fuck, not the woods. You know, that's not... Nothing good ever happens in the woods. I've seen enough of these fucking stories to know that Janice ain't coming down and out of the woods anytime soon.
She's like, hey, what's going on, everybody? I've just taken a stroll through the woods. What are you taking my picture for? I just... She said, I just take a stroll through the scraggly woods. No, if they find you in the woods, they always find you in the same place. Every time, they will find you in a shallow grave. I don't know why they don't just look there in the first place. If I was the police chief, I'd go, listen, I want every shallow grave in the vicinity checked out.
I want to clear up this case by Tuesday on account of I'm running for DA or whatever. But doesn't shallow grave seem a mite rash? You know, like these serial killers are supposed to be so shrewd and cunning and everything, you know? At least according to the TV movies I've seen. But then when it comes time for the grave, they get a little hasty, you know? They're like, there you go, three twigs and a 