Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Dangerously Delicious' (2012) by Aziz Ansari on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Intro, The Donut Video, and My Favorite Racial Slurs.

Aziz Ansari

Dangerously Delicious

Thank you. very much. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. All right. Washington, D.C., thank you so much for coming out to the taping for my second stand-up special. Very excited to be here. Before we start the show, I know there's probably some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature. And that's just because obviously we're taping this. And also when I do these shows, people can start taking photos and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights up and can be a little distracting when I'm trying to focus on the performance.
But what I've realized is that people don't give a shit and they take photos anyway because there are some shitty people that come to these shows. I mean, look how many people are here. Some of you are shitty people. There's no question. If we've met in any other context besides you paying me money to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there's some of you I would hate with a passion. No question about it.
I really hate some of you a lot. So what I thought we could do is a compromise. Right now, before I start the show, I understand people like photos and stuff. So right now, before we start the show, I'm going to pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke and you can take as many photos as you want. And then after that, we'll have a great show. Okay? All right. So here we go. If you want to snap a photo, go for it.
Some fake joke where I need to go through a crawl space. Let's act like an incident happened with an audience member. Like, sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me about something? So you can show that photo to people and tell them, "Yeah, at one point in the show, this guy just stood up and was like, "Whites are the superior race." Aziz was like, "Whoa, that's not cool, sir. You need to sit down."
All right, cool. Everybody good with photos and everything? Thank you so much for coming out. I really appreciate you coming out. Thank you so much. Someone recently sent me a password to one of those online porn sites, and the password worked. And I don't know if anyone here has ever had membership access to any of those sites, but it is incredible. If you're counting them on the fence, like, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like it would be worth it to spend, do it.
Now, the trend in these sites is they try to make it seem like this stuff all really happened, like this is real life. These aren't actors, this stuff really happened. So they have dumb names, like, reallifedickparty.com. And the videos are all the same. These guys go up to some girls, like, excuse me, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party? And the girls are always like, yeah!
And they get in their car, they drive back to the house, they have sex, they film it, and it goes, reallifedickparty.com. Does anyone think those clips are real? They want people to think it's real every now and then they should have a clip where some guys go up to some girls, like, excuse me, uh, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party? The girl's like, what? That's disgusting!
Get out of here, you asshole! Reallifedickparty.com. Then you're at home like, man, I guess it is real. Those girls didn't want to have a dick party at all. They just continued on to Whole Foods. Now the first video I watched on the site, these guys go into a donut shop, right? And they're talking to the girls at the donut shop, they're like, hey, so what do you think of us maybe giving you some money and then we can hook up in the back of the donut shop.
And the girl's like, okay, that sounds good! She was not a very good actress. So they go in the back and they start hooking up. So there's a guy hooking up with the girl in the back of a donut shop. Now this guy eventually does what any reasonable person would do in that situation and he puts a donut around his dick. Now the woman is performing fellatio type services and she's getting dangerously close to this donut.
And then at one point she just takes a bite of the donut. And I don't know why, but as soon as that happened, I just went, whoa, that was awesome! What an amazing choice by that actress. I wonder if that was improvised, like the donut was just there and she's like, ahm! And the director's like, shh! But what does that say about me as a person that I got so excited? I guess I just like food too much.
It's a good thing I don't write the scripts for those videos. My script would be like, all right, so you pick this girl up in Los Angeles and you drop her off at this restaurant called Animal and she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine, the rabbit legs, and the strawberry pound cake. And they bring her everything and she's like, oh my god, this looks so good. And she eats everything. There's not a bite left.
And she's like, wow, that was delicious. Maybe the best meal I've had all year. You know what's weird about that donut video is they filmed it in a real donut shop, which means they had to pay a donut shop owner to use that as a location. But I guess if you're a donut shop owner, the risk is pretty low. What are the chances of someone at home watching the video and going, oh no, that's where I get my donuts from.
That's what goes on back there. I just thought they were putting chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts. But that's got to be happening to some dude. They film all these videos in the same town, I imagine. There's got to be some dude waking up every morning like, oh no, not the bank too. I was supposed to make a deposit today. And there's jizz everywhere. I always thought the best thing that could happen in the donut video is the girl takes a bite of the donut and then she just starts walking away.
And the guy's like, hey, where are you going? She's like, I wasn't trying to suck your dick. I just wanted a bite of that donut. That looked delicious. Bob's Donuts, the best donuts in town. We won't make you suck a dick for yours. I'm from South Carolina, and thank you. And whenever I tell people that, they're always like, Oh, no. But it's so racist there. And your skin is brown. How did you survive?
And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be pretty racist. More racist than other parts of the country. But what these people forget is that the food there is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina, it's kind of like, Oh, did that guy just say the N-word? Ooh, fried chicken and biscuits. Never mind. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Even if right now some dude stood up and was like, Hey, I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but afterwards I'll give you a biscuit.
I'd be like, that's a weird deal, but I'll take it. Because I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit. I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever, because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen everywhere. I have a friend in LA. He's Korean, right? And he got locked out of his apartment.
So he called a locksmith, okay? And locksmith's getting all his info. He's like, what's your last name? And he's like, Chun. The guy goes, what kind of last name is that? The guy goes, Korean American. And the guy goes, I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are trying to destroy America. And he hung up on him. Wouldn't unlock his door. And I thought, wow. So this locksmith does no business with Korean Americans.
But I wondered how many Korean Americans would have to call him before economically he couldn't afford to be that racist. Like, what if Korean people just kept calling him? Would he eventually be like, damn it, man. I would have made $5,000 yesterday if I didn't hate Korean people. This is so stupid. Korean Americans aren't trying to destroy America. They can't even find their keys. But then weirdly, that stereotype would get integrated into his racism.
Like, he would see Korean people and he'd be like, let me guess, can't find your keys? Ching, chong, bing, bong, where's my keys? He sees a Korean dude opening a door. He's like, ha, there's something you don't see every day. Korean dude actually had his keys for once. Na, na, na, na, na, na, where's my keys? Na, na, na, na, na, na, they're in your house. Now, obviously, I don't like it when people are racist.
But I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs. Like, ching, chong, bing, bong. How did we all know that? As soon as I said, ching, chong, bing, bong, everyone was like, yep, racist term for Asian people. I'm on board. No one was lost. How are racist things like that so ubiquitous? At one point, do our parents sit us down? Hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian people is ching, chong, bing, bong.
Don't ever say it to them. Well, if they say something racist to you, I don't know. I got to get out of here. Don't touch that macaroni. One day, I decided to do some research on racial slurs and see if I could learn anything. And I found a very interesting article. It was titled, List of Every Ethnic Slur. And it was 21 pages long. And I read all of them. And if it's cool with you guys, I'd now like to share a few of my favorites.
Now, these are racial slurs, ethnic slurs, okay? So they're offensive. They're offensive by their very nature. So if I say one or I describe one and you're offended, there's no reason to be like, Oh, because we all know they're offensive. So instead, you can shut your fucking mouth. At the same time, though, at the same time, I don't want to do this bit and look at the audience and see some guy just like, yeah, because that would be terrifying on the other end of the spectrum.
So here we go. Here's one of my favorite racial slurs, okay? The first one, it's defined as a derogatory descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly Caucasian ancestry with real or suspected distant Asian or African ancestry. Now, this is a pretty specific situation to need to bust out a racial slur. But if you're ever caught in a gym, all you got to say is, you know what, man? You got a touch of the tar brush.
Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush. This is the tar brush. This is you. Boop. You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry in your predominantly Caucasian face? Some of the racial slurs contained other racial slurs within themselves. They were combinations. We've seen very inconvenient to me. For example, there was one for Native American people, Prairie N-Word. Prairie N-Word?
Whenever I hear that, I imagine this scenario. Some guy's talking to a Native American dude. Get out of here, Prairie N-Word. Some black guy's like, what'd you say? Dude, I said Prairie. This doesn't concern you. Step off. But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's like, what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would you say that to? See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.
Dogan. It's Irish Catholic. See? No one can guess it. See if you can guess this one. Christ killer. Anyone have a guess on that one? Christ killer. Who would you say that to? Christ killer. Killer of Christ. Did someone say Jewish people? No. It's actually for Asian people. It's used by people that hate Asians so much, they blame them for the death of Christ. Christ killer? But I'm Asian. I know. Why do you think God created locks?
Ching, chong, bing, bong, you killed Christ. But what I learned reading that list, though, was I think you can make anything sound racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice, the right inflection, you can make anything sound hateful. Let me see if I can create a racial slur right now. Sir, you're sitting right there. What is your ethnicity? Where are you from? Shut up, Kit Kat! Quit laughing, Kit Kat!
See? That's starting to sound real racist. Because you're thinking, whoa, whoa. That guy's not a Kit Kat. He's a person. Aziz must be implying he's brown on the outside, wafer-like on the inside. Thank you. Right now, I wanted to take a couple of minutes to update you on one of my favorite people in the world, and that's