Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Brian Regan: Live' (1997) by Brian Regan on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Brian Regan

Brian Regan: Live

Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Regan. All right. How you doing, folks? Looks like you're all sitting there. Hey, pal, you got some jokes? Why don't you start cranking them out, circus boy? It's good to be here. Just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well. Sometimes you'll say the right thing, but at the wrong time, it feels stupid, you know? Something like, you too.
I was getting out of a cab at the airport, and the driver goes, hey, have a nice flight. You too. You too, you have a nice flight, too. In case you ever fly someday. Don't nobody look at me. I'm a moron. Don't know what to say to you, too, Frace. I can't handle it. I never learn, you know? Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You too! You don't have one, do you? I'm a doofus. If you do enjoy it, when you eat it, if you have a break or something later, if you get an opportunity, that's all I'm trying to say.
That's all that I'm driving at, really, if you think about it. That's all. I don't know what I'm saying. You ever start to say something, and in the middle of what you're saying, you decide to say something else completely? You know, there's already words out there. These friends were leaving the other day, and I started to say, hey, take care, and I decided to say good luck instead, like halfway through, you know?
So it came out in either. See you later, Brian. Take luck! Take luck and care. Take care of the luck. Good luck taking care of the luck that you might have. If you have luck, take it. Care for it. Take luck care of in it when you take all care of it. You're sure to see them again. So how do you know that guy back there? You know him good? I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. I don't stop to think.
I just, you know, just, oh no, words are coming out. Oh no! I'm not thinking. What is that? Like, I met this woman recently. I could have sworn she was pregnant. Let me tell you. I know now. I think the rule is don't guess at that ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever I knew they were trying to have one, I just, you know, thought we'd talk about them.
Talk about the fluffy zoo animals that they, I hear they got them over there. You can, you can go look at them and if you want, touch them. Have you ever guessed somebody's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just, you just got to move on because you ain't wriggling out of nothing, you know? Hey, uh, excuse me, sir. Ma'am. Okay. Okay, bye. Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual.
I can't remember names. And I'm always trying to do the nickname thing to get out of it. Everybody knows what you're trying to pull, you know? Hey, Buckaroo. My name's not Buckaroo. Sure, sure it is, partner. Some people get really upset if you get their name wrong. Especially if they have a name that's similar to another name. Carolyn and Caroline. They got a thing about that, man. Don't get that wrong because they're going to drill you.
Hi, Carolyn. It's Caroline. It's Caroline. It's Caroline. It's Caroline, Brian. It's Brian. Yes, my name is Brian. It's very hard to say my name correctly. Because my name is Brennan. Can you say that? Very few can. Correctly. And people spell their name however they want. It has nothing to do with phonics or nothing. I'm not sure what phonics is, but I saw the girl that was hooked on it. She's got a problem with it, apparently.
Have you seen that commercial? Hooked on phonics worked for me. She was adorable, you know. I was thinking, wouldn't that be weird if she was applying what she learned and she couldn't get the commercial straight, you know? Hooked on phonics working for me. Hooked on phonics working for me. Okay, cut. You talk to her, mate. We ain't gonna move a lot of tapes this way. Tellin' you right now. Anyway, I met this woman.
Her name was Amy, you know? So I go, oh, A-M-Y? She goes, no, A-Y-M-I-E. Oh. I have to take a nap. I'm Brian. B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N. The number seven, the letter Q. Brennan. Look at my name tag. It's big. Something. That was a pretty stupid kid, also. I used to get talked into making crank calls, you know? My older brothers and friends would just stand around me. Okay, Brian, make some crank calls. Make some crank calls.
And I get all nervous and mess them up. Um, do you have frog legs? No, no, do you serve them? No, do you have them? You're stupid. Brian, relax, man. You gotta relax when you make the crank calls. Do another one. Concentrate. Is your refrigerator running? It's not. Oh. It's not. It's not. No, it's not. Okay, you have a good day now. You take luck. Brian, do this one. Read it so you don't mess it up.
Do you have Prince Albert in the can? You do? Well, then you better take him out because he is suffocating. He wants to know what to hang up. You're stupid. You stupid person. I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would have studied more when I was growing up, you know? But, you know, where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know?
And the spelling bee day, you know, popped up. All right, kids, up against a wall. It's time for public humiliation. Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends, you know? That's great for little egos. Hey, look at me. I'm a moron. I wasn't even close. I was using numbers and stuff. That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down, you know? He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for three hours?
First round. Cat, K-A-T, I'm out of here. Then, as he passed you, I know there's two T's. I remember my teacher asked me, Brian, what's the I before E rule? Um, I before E... always. What are you, an idiot, Brian? Apparently. So she explains it. No, Brian, it's I before E, except after C, and when sounding like A, as a neighboring way, and on weekends, and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong, no matter what you say.
That's a hard rule. That's a rough rule. Plurals were hard, too. Brian, how do you make a word of plural? Oh, you put a S. You put a S at the end of it. When? You put a S at the end of it. On weekends, and holidays. No, Brian, no, let me show you. So she asked this kid who knew everything, Irwin. Irwin, Irwin, what is he plural for? Ox. Oxen. The farmer used his oxen. Brian, what? Brian, what's the plural for?
Box. Boxen. I bought two boxin' of doughnuts. Oh, no, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Irwin, what is he plural for? Goose. Geese. I saw a flock of geese. Brian, what? Brian, what's the plural for? Moose. Moosen. I saw a flock of moosen. There are many of them. Many much moosen. Out in the woods. In the wood is. In the wood's it. The meat's wanting the food. Food is to eatin' is it. The meat's wanting the food, and in the woodin' it is it.
And the foodin' the woodin' it is it. Brian. Brian. You're an imbecile. Imbecillin'. What, are you speaking German, Brian? German. Jermaine. Jermaine. Jackson. Jackson, five. Tito. Brian, what the hell are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know, really. I think the worst day was the day the science project was due. Wakin' up that morning, that was fun, huh? Your head'd pop off your pillow. Oh, no.
That's due today. I had nine months to work on, and I did nothing. I have a cardboard box of boxing. And you'd show up, you're scared, because you don't have anything good, and you find out all the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated that, you know? They're backing them in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano. He didn't have to zip up his own pants, but he built a volcano.
He had you swing that. I don't know what to do for my project, so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping she'd know I'm an idiot and just walk right on past me. Just as long as I was holding something, you know, huh? What do you have there, Brian? It's a cup of dirt. Just put an F on there and let me go home. Well, explain it. Well, it's a cup with dirt in it. I call it cup of dirt.
You should move on now. You should go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there. So she went to this one kid. There was a kid in my class. He made the same solar system like 19 years in a row, you know? Bunch of styrofoam balls held together with coat hangers. Hey, you're breaking some new ground there, Copernicus. He's going, the big yellow one's the sun. The yellow one is the sun. Okay, all right.
What are these other planets? The big yellow one is the sun. All right, calm down. All right! Oh, my parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me in a little league baseball. I played out in right field because I stunk. But you don't know. You just show up, you know? Oh, I got my glove. You any good? I don't know. My mom told me to come out here. We'll get out in right field. Okay. Turn around, you moron.
Oh, okay. Not the whole way. Oh, only some. Some way. I never knew what was going on out in right field. All I knew is at the end of the game, I'd get a free snow cone. That's all I knew, you know? I'd be out there. Oh, free snow cone. Free snow cone. Brian, what's the score? Free snow cone. Free snow cone at the end of the game. If you play, they're going to give you a free snow cone. Even if you play half game, you get the whole, you don't get a half snow cone.
You get a whole snow cone for half the game. The people that play whole game get a whole snow cone, and the people that play half game get a whole snow cone. So it's always whole. Always whole snow cone. So I'd rather play half game. I'd rather play half game. Still get the whole snow cone. How many outs, Brian? Grape! I'm going to get grape or cherry. They're both favorites. So either one is good.
If they have both, I'll get grape, though, because that's a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape, it's like, oh, that's fine, because cherry's favorite anyway, you know? So it's like another favorite, but not as much. Not as much favorite. But they're both good. They're both good. All right, Brian, you just have fun out there. Okay. The second baseman would give me signals to get me involved in the game, you know?
He'd like, you know, put his outside fingers up. Okay, Brian, got two away. Two away, Brian. I don't know who he's talking about. Okay. Brian, two away. You two! And our coach would yell from the dugout every now and then, you know? Hey, guys, let's hear some chatter out there. Let's hear some chatter. What are we, rabbits? Might as well have been, you know? Chattering is saying, hey, batter, batter, over and over again.
I don't think I ever felt like more of an idiot in my whole life. Out in the field going, hey, batter, batter. Hey, batter. Hey, batter, batter. Hey, batter. Hey, batter. Hey, batter. Hey. Hey, batter, batter, batter. Hey. Hey, coach, is there a point to this? What is that for the batter's benefit? Hey, batter, batter. Hey, fielder, fielder. Hey, batter, batter, batter. Hey, fielder, fielder, fielder.
They're communicating. And as the ball got to them, we're all supposed to lean in and go, hey, batter, batter, swing. Like, he couldn't get a hit when he yelled that. Swinging up. Did you hear what they yelled, coach? If that's fair, they should do that in all adult sports, you know? I'd like to see that out in the golf course. You know, hey, golfer, golfer. Hey, golfer, golfer. Golfer, putt. Putt, golfer.
It's right there, putt. What the hell's the matter with you, Ralph? I'm just trying to make it fun. Why do you learn that? Are you supposed to apply that later in life? Hey, lawyer, lawyer. Hey, lawyer. Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. Hey, lawyer. Sue! Sue, lawyer! Bus driver, bus driver. Drive, drive! Shift, bus driver. What the hell's the matter with you? I learned that as a kid. I was just applying it.
The only compliment I ever got in Little League Baseball w