Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Relentless' (1992) by Bill Hicks on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Smoking, The War, Great Times on Drugs, The Sanctity of Life, and Chicks Dig Jerks.

Bill Hicks

Relentless

So what else, folks? I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all, this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you. I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you, non-smokers, with all of my little black fucking heart.
You obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear if I quit smoking is that I'll become one of you. Now, don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By a round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, because I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you, non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this.
And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only. Ready? Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours and send you hurtling back to the truth?
You're dead, too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say? Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. Two people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung. It's like going to Sharper Image. Major rationalizations. We live in such a weird culture, man. Does anyone remember this? When Yul Brynner died and came out with that commercial after he was dead, I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now.
What the fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears. I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now because I smoke cigarettes. Okay, pretty scary. But they could have done that with anyone. They could have done it with that Jim Fix guy, too. Remember that guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial. I'm Jim Fix and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the fuck happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam 500 laps every morning, I'm dead.
Yul Brynner drank, smoked, and got laid every night of his life. He's dead. shit. Yul Brynner's smoking, drinking, girls are sitting on his cue ball noggin every night of his life. I'm running around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both fucking dead. Yul used to pass me on his way home in the morning. Big, long limousine. Two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other. One day, that life's gonna get to you, Yul.
They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy-looking corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse. Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse. Yul Brynner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure. Okay, there are certain drawbacks. Oh, man. People that say the stupidest things sometimes do. Hey, man, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City.
I got news for you. I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. Is that urine? I think I smell a dead guy. Honey, look, a dead guy. Covered in urine. Check this out. Someone just peed on this guy. That's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking, I never would have found him. A urine-covered dead fella. What are the odds? Thank God I quit smoking. Now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey. Look.
Ah. I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me. A bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one night. I tried to run. They had more energy than I. I tried to hide. They heard me wheezing. Many of them smelled me. There he is. Get him. Get him. Oh, he's hardly fucking moving. This is pathetic. Look, he's still trying to get away. He's like a roach. Step on him.
Squash him. Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, it's good to be here wherever I am. God, since I was here we had a war. That's pretty fucking weird, huh? A war? Wasn't really a war, you know. A war is when two armies are fighting. So, I don't know if you could call it a war, exactly. You know, the Persian Gulf distraction is more like it, I think. Pretty amazing thing, really.
Bush turned out to be a major fucking demon. Who would have guessed? Remember when he was first president? He was the wimp president. Do you remember that? Cover a news week. Cover a fucking news week. Wimp president. Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw a little bit. Guy was a dynamite waiting to go off. We surrender, not good enough. We run away, too little, too late. Call me a wimp, come on, fuckers, come on.
Hold him back. Those guys were in hog heaven over there, man. They had a big weapons catalog opened up. What's G12 do, Tommy? See, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth. Helps us pay for the war effort. Well, fuck, pull that one up. Pull up G12, please. Shhh. Cool, what's G13 do? Big Sears weapons catalog. Weapons for all occasions. You know. See, everyone got boners over the technology.
And it was pretty incredible watching missiles fly down air vents. Pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? You know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia. There's a guy that needs a banana. Shhh. A stealth banana. Smart fruit. I don't know. Once again, it was watching the fucking news that really threw me off. It depressed everyone. It was so scary watching the news.
How they built it all out of proportion like Iraq was ever or could ever possibly under any stretch of the imagination be a threat to us whatsoever. But watching the news, you never would have got that idea. Remember how it started? They kept talking about the elite Republican guard in these hush tones like these guys were the bogeymen or something. Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face the elite Republican guard.
Like these guys were 12 feet tall desert warriors. Never lost a battle. We shit bullets. Yeah, well, after two months of continuous carpet bombing and not one reaction at all from them, they became simply the Republican guard. Not nearly as elite as we may have led you to believe. And after another month of bombing, they went from the elite Republican guard to the Republican guard to the Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there.
We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show. It was so pretty and it took our mind off of domestic issues. The Persian Gulf distraction. People said, "Uh-uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world." Yeah, maybe. But you know what? After the first three largest armies, there's a real big fucking drop off, all right? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world. They've already got our airports, okay?
I think that's the greater threat right now. Mr. Onion Head in Terminal C is scary and I'm sure that would make it. Get him away from me. What an amazing thing, though. And the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity in the casualties. Iraq, 150,000 casualties. USA, 79. Does that mean if we had sent over 80 guys, we still would have won that fucking thing or what? One guy in a ticker tape parade. I did it.
Hey. You're welcome. Good work, Tommy. How'd you do it? I pulled up G12. It was in a catalog. Worked like a charm. You know, my biggest problem with the whole thing was that bloodlust that everyone, it came out of everyone, you know? This bloodlust, man. It's really unbelievable. Like, I was over in England. You ever been to England? Anyone? Been to England? Yeah. No one has handguns in England, not even the cops.
True or false? True. No. Now, in England last year, they had 14 deaths from handguns. Fourteen. Now, United States, I think you know how we feel about handguns. Woo. I'm getting a warm, tingly feeling just saying the fucking word, to be honest with you. I swear to you, I'm hard. 23,000 deaths from handguns. Let's go through those numbers again because they're a little baffling at first glance. In England, where no one has guns, 14 deaths.
United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns. Woo. I'm getting a stiffy. 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection. And you'd be a fool and a communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it and not having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been studies made and there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute proof.
You know, 14 deaths from handguns. Probably American tourists too. You know, over there. Call this a sandwich. You don't boil pizza. That's the way we eat here. That's the way we eat here. This food sucks. And boy, does it suck. Okay, great. If I had a gun, I would have been number 15 on that fucking list. You know, 14. Okay, though, admittedly, last year in England, they had 23,000 deaths per soccer game.
All right, okay, okay. I'm not saying every system is flawless. I'm saying if you're in England, don't go to a goddamn soccer game and you're coming home, okay? It's weird. They don't have guns in England, but they have very high crime rate, which tells you how polite the fucking English are. Give me your wallet. All right. At least no one was hurt. How do you have a crime rate and no weapons, man?
There's a guy walking into a bank. Give me all your money. I've got a soccer ball. Shit, Ian, that's a Spaulding. He's serious. Hand over the pounds. I just don't understand this bloodlust, because, you know, I know the world seems really frightening at times, but I think we're going to do okay. I'll tell you a true story, a true fucking story, man, about bloodlust. I was down in Alabama, and I was playing a town called Fife, Alabama last year, and they wanted me there to host their annual Ricketts telethon or something.
I don't know what the fuck it was. But anyway, it was great to be there. And anyway, this is absolutely true. Last year in Fife, Alabama, they had all these UFO sightings, and apparently everyone in this town saw these UFOs. All right? Which really pissed me off, because when I was there, about 40 people saw me. But there was no advanced advertising, no publicity. That's a big market for me. Anyway, I'm curious about UFOs, so I asked people there what it was like.
And this guy said, "Oh, man, it was incredible. People came from miles around to look at them. A lot of people came armed." People were bringing shotguns to UFO sightings. Kind of brings a whole new meaning to that phrase, "You ain't from around here, are you, boy?" I said to the guy, "Why do y'all bring shotguns to UFO sightings? It seems to me there's going to be a point in our development or evolution where you put your guns aside."
You know what I mean? Don't you think that would happen just fucking once? Guy said, "Well, we didn't want to be abducted." I'm thinking, "Yeah, leave all this." Dude, if I lived in Fife, Alabama, I'd be on my hands and knees praying for abduction every goddamn morning. All right. And believe me, I would not be picky. Greyhound. Abduct me. But I said, "What do you mean abducted?" He said, "Well, they abduct people and they perform scientific and medical experiments on them."
Well, maybe we'll be lucky and it's some type of sterility dentistry program they got going. Tell me they come down here, castrate you, straighten your teeth and split. Sort of a clean up the universe pact. He said, "Huh?" I was almost sure I was talking to that dude. I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies or wherever they come from to visit us and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama.
Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man. Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Jode family or something. Don't y'all want to land in New York or L.A.? Nah, we just had a long trip. We're going to kick back and whittle some. Oh my god, they're idiots. We'r