Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Stand-Up Confidential' (1987) by Jerry Seinfeld on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Jerry Seinfeld

Stand-Up Confidential

I guess I knew this day would come. The day I'd have to bury a friend. Maybe my best friend. We've been through a lot together. Some ugly moments. Remember when props came in? The ventriloquism scare of '84. Sure there were times when people would make fun of you, imitating you. Hey, did you ever notice? What's the deal with this? Who are these people? Who are these people? They say the hardest thing for a person to do is bury a loved one.
But those people never had material like this. The Tide commercial. If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. I don't understand it, he walks away from his show, he walks away from his act. Are you sure this kid is Jewish? No. He's Jewish. Don't ask me how I know. It's just such a waste. I mean, it all works. Is there any cake? Gary, what are you doing?
Listen, I got nothing on the post office. All right, Gary. Thanks. Get out of here. Did you ever see his act? No, not really, man. Did you? Yeah. Yeah. He was good. But I was full of drugs. Ed, did you ever see his act? Oh, he did "The Tonight Show" many, many times. But no. Jay, thanks a lot for being here. This really means a lot. Yeah, hey, listen, when we can do the show again, huh? Well, but I-- I just retired all my material.
Hey, is Carla still around? Why is it the best landscaping in the neighborhood? It's always in a cemetery. Everybody's dead. That's funny. Can I do that? Do what? The bed. Can I do that? Well, that's not a bit. I'm just saying it. I'm going to do that, OK? You can't do it. It's my bit. Yeah, come on. It's a bit. It's anybody's bit who does it. No, but I said it first. You know, come to think of it, I've been doing it for a while anyway.
Jerry, Alan King would like to meet you on his territory. He'll guarantee security. OK. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Mr. I know this is yours. Don't you want it? Don't you want it? Don't you want it? Sorry, kid. I don't do this joke anymore. I don't do this joke anymore. I don't do this joke anymore. I don't do this joke anymore. Oh, come on. Look, I'm sorry. It's over. But this is a solid bit. Please. All right.
But I'm telling you for the last time. Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld. I don't do this joke anymore. I don't do this joke anymore. I don't do this joke anymore. I don't do this joke anymore. There's always a few people that don't really want to do it. I've seen those people. You know, they're always like, are we doing this now? So anyway, I'm thrilled to be back here in New York. I love how certain things about New York never change.
They're always constant. They're always there for you. The cabbies and the B.O. What is with the B.O. and these guys? How long are these shifts? Can't we get this man a 10-minute break for a shower? You're in the back. It's coming through the glass. You're just going, what in the world? And then I love when they put that cherry poppet stuff on the dashboard. So you get the cherry B.O. I don't know what that's supposed to be.
Even fruit showers more often than this. The funny thing to me about being in these cabs is that when you're in Manhattan, for some reason you don't get scared no matter how fast the guy goes. Well, you know, he's driving fast and recklessly, but he's a professional. He's got a cab driver's license. I can see it right there. I don't even know what it takes to get a cab driver's license. I think all you need is a face.
This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed driving cabs in this town. Also helps to have a name with like eight consonants in a row. You ever see some of the letters in these names? It says the O with the line through it, by the way. What planet is that from? You need a chart of the elements if you want to report the guy. Yes, officer. His name was Amal and then the symbol for boron.
No, it was not manganese. I had the periodic chart with me at the time. But I love to travel. I love it whether it's a car or it's a plane. I like to get out there. I like to keep it moving. I love airports. Feel safe in airports. Thanks to the high-caliber individuals we have working at X-Ray Security. How about this crack squad of savvy, motivated personnel? The way you want to set up your airport security is you want the short, heavy-set woman at the front with the skin-tie uniform.
That's your first line of defense. You want those pants so tight, the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open. You can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear life. Then you put the bag on the conveyor belt, goes to the little luggage car wash. Then you have that other genius down at the other end looking in the little X-Ray TV screen. This Einstein has chosen to stand in front of X-Rays 14 hours a day as his profession.
Looking in that thing. I have looked in that TV screen. I cannot make out one object. He's standing there. What is that, a hair dryer with a scope on it? That looks okay. Keep him moving. Some sort of bowling ball candle. Yeah, I got no problem with that. Just, you know, we don't want to hold up the line. So I go to the bathroom in the airport. What is the story on the sinks in airport bathrooms that they will not give us a twisted-on, twisted-off human-style faucet?
Is that too risky for the general population? Too dangerous. We better install the one-handed, spring-loaded, pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. You know those ones where you got to go, "Hey, boy, I got a little water there. Another couple drops." What is it that they think we would do with a faucet? Turn them all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?
Come on, the water's on. Let's go. I turned it on full flat. You idiot, we're businessmen. We're going to miss our plane. Who cares? Water! That's how they think we'll behave. Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Yeah, $14 tuna sandwich. We think that's fair. That's what we charge in our country. Then you get on the plane.
Pilot, of course, always has to come on the PA system. This guy's so excited about being a pilot he can't even stand himself. Well, I'm going to take it up to about $20,000. Then I'm going to make a left by Pittsburgh. Then I'm going to make a right by Chicago. Then I'm going to bring it down to $15,000. Giving you the whole route, all his moves. We're in the back going, "Yeah, fine, that's all." You know, just do whatever the hell you got to do.
I don't know. Just end up where it says on the ticket, really. What's wrong with the sound? Do I bother him with what I'm doing? Knocking on the cockpit door. I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. Thought I'd keep you posted. I'm not going to have them all now. I'm just going to have a few. I don't want to finish it because it's such a big bag. Then the stewardesses have to come out.
They have to do their little emergency equipment show. You know, that thing they do. One of them reads it, the other one acts it out. Hey, we have seat belts and oxygen masks. Things for you to use. They show you how to use a seat belt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. Oh, you lift up on the buckle. Oh. I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that's how it works. I was going to try and tear the fabric part of the belt.
I thought if I could just get it started. Then they always point out the emergency exits. It's always with that very vague point though, isn't it? Where the hell would these places be, would you say? Planes at a 90 degree angle. Your hair is on fire. You're looking for this. How do you think you're going to do there? She's thinking I'm getting out before you're getting out. You're dead, you're dead, I'm gone.
Then they always have to close that first class curtain too. And they always give it that little look. Maybe if you had worked a little harder. I wouldn't have to do this. It's a whole tiny world on the airplane, isn't it? There's always that little tiny table there, tiny computer. Everyone's in the little cramped seat, tiny food, tiny utensils, tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirror, tiny fossils.
So there's a small problem, there's going to be a slight delay, we're going to be a little late. I always go in the airplane bathroom. Even if I don't have to go, I've got to go in there. It's nice, it's like your own little apartment on the plane, isn't it? Go in there, lock the door, the light comes on after a second. It's like a little surprise party. But I'm always impressed with the amount of equipment that they have in that place.
I mean, it's little, but they've got the tissues, towels, closets, compartments, tiny slot for used razor blades. They always have that. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much, they're using up razor blades? Is this what's happening? What, is the wolf man flying in there for crash? Who could shave that much? I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while.
I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while. I'm going to go in there for a while.
So I'm supposed to go down to Florida next week after we're done here. That's where all my relatives live. I don't really want to go. Florida, a lot of old people down there. You know, they live in those minimum security prisons. That's where they put all the old people. What's with all the security there? With the guard gate, with the arm coming down. Everyone's got a uniform, guns. Are the old people trying to escape?
Or are people stealing old people? What is the security problem? I just can't drive around there. You know how old people drive? When they drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. And that left turn signal on from when they left the house that morning. That's a legal turn in Florida. It's known as an eventual left.
You can signal this week, turn any following year of your life. What is that age that old people reach where they decide when they back out of a driveway, they're not looking anymore? You know how they do that? They just go, "Well, I'm old and I'm coming back." I survived, let's see if you can. One thing I do like about being with my older relatives is it makes me feel like a kid again. You know, they're feeding you.
You're trying to steal candy. Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. That was the first ten years of my life. I think the only clear thought I had was get candy. That was it. Family, friends, school. They're just obstacles in the way of the candy. I'm out for the candy here. I'm just thinking, "Get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy." That's why you have to teach kids not to take candy from a stranger if they're playing in a playground because they're such candy, moron, idiot brains.
They're just, "This man has candy. I'm going with him. Goodbye. I don't care what happens to me. Get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy." Don't go. They'll torture you. They'll kidnap you. It doesn't matter. He has an old Henry. I have to take that chance. Get candy, get candy, get candy. The first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid, your brain can't even process the information.
You're like, "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who is giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?" "Are you kidding me? When is this happening? Where? Why? Take me with you. I've got to be a part of this. I'll do anything that they want." 