Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'The Comeback Kid' (2015) by John Mulaney on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Could Be a Nursery, My Wife, Why Buy The Cow?, and Baby Grandma.

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid

I have a wife and a dog, and we just bought a house. We have a new house. It was built in the 20s, but it was flipped in 2014, which means it's haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash. Actually, we didn't buy a house. A bank bought a house, and I'm allowed to keep my shirts and pants there while I pay it off for 30 years. The woman from the bank came over, and she showed me my mortgage broken down month by month for 30 years.
And she said, so, for instance, this is what you'll pay in July of 2029. And I burst out laughing. I was like, 2029? That's not a real year. By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I'm not going to be writing you a paper check. I like having a house, but I loved looking for a house because I love real estate agents. I mean, they are the true heroes. They really are.
Have you ever watched HGTV? Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives. Every episode of HGTV is like, Craig and Stacia are looking for a two-story A-frame that's near Craig's job in the downtown, but also satisfies Stacia's need to be near the beach, which is nowhere near Craig's job. With three children and nine on the way, and a max budget of $7, let's see what Lori Jo can do on this week's episode of You Don't Deserve a Beach House.
I loved our real estate agent. It was so fun to hang out with her. It was like hanging out with my mom. Because, you know, real estate agents always look like your mom. And they have various Chico's accoutrement, and they always have kind of fun mom energy. And they're always so excited to see you two. We would have little conferences before we walked into a house. She'd go, let's talk. Let's talk before we go in.
We're like two feet from the door. So there's no toilets. And I know that was on your list. But I think I can get him to budge. Let's go. So we'd have a real estate agent, and then, like, the house would have a real estate agent, who's just some guy sitting in a big chair. And these two always hated each other. It'd be like, hi, Tony. Hi, Kim. It's like, Jesus Christ. What were you two in the Eagles together?
What is the animosity about? Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives, more than anyone in our family. She hinted about it constantly. Every room she walked into, she'd be like, so this could be an office. Or maybe a nursery. Yeah, no, like we said, we don't know if we're going to have him. No, no, I know, I know. You don't know if you're going to have him, but, you know, you never know.
Sometimes you don't know what's going to happen. And then, you know, something happens. Well, yeah, that's how all of life works. Okay, all right, okay. All right. This is an on-fire garbage can. Could be a nursery. She showed me a backyard once. She goes, I don't even like this backyard for you. I was like, oh, do tell. She said, it's all pavement. I think you should have some grass out there. You know, in case you have a couple little guys running around in the grass.
And I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. I was like, hey, lady, I went outside about as much as powder from the movie Powder. My children are not going to be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles. These are my children. And that's my wife. And that's my wife. And that's my wife. i married my wife i love saying my wife it sounds so adult that's my wife this is great you sound like a person i said it even before we were married we were just dating and we were once getting on an airplane and anna's ticket didn't say anything and my ticket said priority access it doesn't matter why but we were getting on and i said uh can my wife board with me and they were like yes of course right this way and i was like oh that is so much better than all those times i was like can my girlfriend come and yeah i shouldn't have said it that way but still my wife just has some kick ass to it you know get away from my wife no one talked to my wife marriage is going to be very magical i didn't kill my wife that's like who's that fella i bet he did kill his wife I talked to a lot of people before I got engaged, you know.
And I heard this expression about whether or not you should get married. This is an old expression. People say this. They say, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You ever heard that before? It's a bananas insulting expression. To an entire gender. But also, it makes no sense. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You're not allowed to milk a cow that you don't own. That's not even a situation.
Was that a problem at one point? Like in the dairy community? Was that happening like a hundred years ago in some village? Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like, I take your milk. And the farmer was like, well, then this is your cow now. And he was like, no, no proof of purchase. And he ran up into the night. That sounded Dutch, right? You know what that expression means? It means why would you marry a woman if she's already having sex with you?
Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore. Now it's like, why buy the cow? Maybe because every day the cow asks you when you're going to buy it. And you live in a really small apartment with the cow, so you can't avoid that question at all. And also the cow is way better at arguing than you are. And the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue. Why buy the cow, question mark?
Maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to the sale. And you have to sit next to your cow at the sale. And your cow looks over at you the entire time like, mmmmm. And does not enjoy the sale at all. Even though she's the one that wanted to go to the sale. And she's especially mad because that farmer and cow met like eight months after you guys met. Why buy the cow? Well, let's be real here.
You're very lucky to have the cow that you do have. And roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, John. By the most liberal of estimates, there have been about eight cows total. Several un-milked. And a lot of people think that you like bulls. And if you just bought... They assume it. When you search your name, the third thing to come up is like, John Mulaney bull, question mark.
And if you just bought the cow, nobody would say that anymore. They'll still say it. Because there are those guys who they buy a cow and then on the side, total matador. But for real, Chicago, why buy the cow? Let's be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do. And yeah. Yeah. Sure, she's a bossy little Jew, but... She takes care of you. And you don't want to be some old man stumbling around like, Hey, you seen any loose milk?
Yeah. My wife and I don't have any children. We have a dog. We have a little puppy named Petunia. She's a tiny little French bulldog puppy. I like having a puppy that's a bulldog because it's like having a baby that is also a grandma. Her body is young. Her face is as old as time. She definitely saw the Nazis march into Paris. She always gives me this look of like, oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker.
You have no idea. The Gestapo threw my printing press into a river, but go tell your fucking jokes. Bring me my dish. She said that. Petunia is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day. She does not like me and barks at me and bites me all day long. We had to get a dog trainer into the apartment because Petunia is a bad dog. We tell her that every day. We go, hey, you're bad at being a dog.
So the trainer came into the apartment. Sorry, didn't even walk into the apartment. Walked into the threshold and went, oh, okay. Like she was an exorcist or something. She said, I see what the problem is. She said, Petunia has become the alpha of the house. And then she pointed at me. She said, you are no longer the alpha of the house. And in the back of my head, I was like, I was never the alpha of the house.
I turned to my wife. I was like, let's pretend. It'll be fun. Yes. I, oh, my title of alpha, which I once had. How could I reclaim it? Because that was a thing that existed at one time. She said, you need to show dominance over your puppy. These are things people say to me. I said, how do I do that? She said, well, let me ask you this. Who eats dinner first, you or Petunia? I was like, Petunia eats dinner first.
She eats dinner at 5 p.m. Because she's a foot long and two years old. She said, no, you need to eat dinner first. Because the king eats before anyone else eats. Oh, yes. And what a mighty king I will be. Eating dinner at 4.45 in the afternoon. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Look upon your sovereign, Petunia, and tremble. My lands stretch across this entire one bedroom. And I eat dinner whenever I choose. As long as it works for the schedule of a dog.
She said, no, you don't actually have to eat dinner before Petunia. You just have to convince Petunia that you've already eaten. So, for the past month, I shit you not, before my wife and I give Petunia her dish, we take down empty bowls and spoons. And in front of her, we go, mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner. Like we're space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote but they didn't work that hard on.
Mmm, we're eating dinner. Meanwhile, Petunia's just staring at us with her Paul Giamatti face, like... You're not eating dinner, cocksucker. Dish now. Dish now. I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that. See, I just don't think babies like me very much. Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all.
Like, I'll be on an elevator, and a baby will be there in its big, like, stroller activity tray, just, like, working on one Cheerio with Bobby Fischer-like intensity, like... And then he'll look up at me and go... I like to lean in and go, stop snitching, motherfucker, and then walk off. Because you're never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. My friends have babies, and I don't do so well with them.
I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story, but... My friend Jeremy has this two-year-old girl, and I really like her. She's a sweet kid. I really like his daughter a lot. But I was over at his family's house for the 4th of July, and he had his daughter on his knee, and it was a very lovely day. His whole extended family was there, and he was bouncing his two-year-old up and down.
And he pointed at me, and he said to his two-year-old, do you know who that is? That's your Uncle John. And I was like, oh, my God, that's so sweet. I'm her Uncle John. And then the baby pointed at me and said, Uncle John has a penis. I thank you for laughing, because no one did that day. Fell deadly silent is what they all did. Hey, do you know what you're supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowingly says he has a penis?
No, I'm asking, because I don't know what to say in that situation. Here's what I went with that day. I said, oh, come on. I don't know. I thought that'd be good. But then it just made it worse, because it sounded like the baby and I had an arrangement not to talk about it, and she had violated my trust. Like, the baby had been like, do you have a penis? And I was like, yes, I do, but you're a baby, so discretion is key.
And then the next day she goes, he has a penis. And I go, oh, come on. Someone can't keep a secret. Luckily, Jeremy's wife saved the day. The baby's mom saved the day. She came in and she picked up the baby, and she was like, it's okay. She's just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot. Aren't we all? And by the way, it would have been a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina.
Like, if a grown woman had walked in the room and the baby had been l