Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Whelmed, But Not Overly' (2012) by Kevin Nealon on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Remember When, Stress Attacks, and What with the Economy.

Kevin Nealon

Whelmed, But Not Overly

- Kevin Nealon! - I don't want to get sick. It has nothing to do with you personally. It's just your dirty, disgusting, filthy germs. That's all. Thank you for being here. I am so excited that you made it here. Yes, fantastic. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I just, I don't want to get sick. That's all it is. I've been running myself ragged. I am so worn down my immune system. I've been traveling, touring.
I just wrote a book. It's on Mormon cults. It's called "Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid." And yeah, I think it's going to be very good. But seriously, I mean, I am exhausted. I don't even know what today is, to be honest with you. According to my pillbox, today is F. That's all I know. It's F. I was so useless today. I mean, I wanted to do so much when I was here. And just, I don't know. Everything just seems like a lot of work to me lately.
Have you gotten to that point in life yet? You know, like everything. It just seems like, like I wanted to see a movie. But then I thought, "Eh, then I'd have to go there." It's the worst. I was cleaning out my drawer a couple of days ago, and I came across a snow globe. And I thought, "I have to start collecting these things." But then I thought, "Eh, then I need to get more." It's ridiculous. I want to write a screenplay, but I don't live close to a Starbucks.
You know, it's just, I'm like making excuses now. I'm just lazy. I want to ski. I haven't skied like in three years. It just seems like a lot of work now. You know? I remember the first time, "Remember when you were a kid? "Remember when, remember when you were..." I like when people reminisce. Their voice shoots up like five octaves. You know? "Remember when I met you?" "Remember when..." It's like no matter how tough the guy is, it always comes out that way, you know?
I don't, I was just thinking about the time he worked in that steel mill down in Pittsburgh. "Remember when we beat the hell of that trucker?" boom boom I bet even if they're speaking a foreign language you could tell when they're reminiscing you know or a tribe deep in the jungle you know I don't know if that was smoking a joint or doing a blow dart I don't know what that was I'm not sure but I remember the first time everyone's skiing I didn't know anything about it I didn't know that they labeled the trails for difficulties you know like black diamonds and greens and blues and I'm driving through the mountains here in Colorado and I pull into this convenience store and I said to the guy behind the counter I said hey what's the best mountain to go skiing at around here and he looked at me right in the eyes and he goes you know what I like copper mountain but a lot of people don't like to go there because they're afraid of all the blacks but oh my god this guy's a racist he said but you know what I don't mind the blacks I have a lot of fun with them but they will beat you up they will beat you up and they are all over the mountain they're everywhere and you know what some of them not very well groomed he said but if you want the good white powder that's where you got to go I thought well I'm not going to copper mountain that's for sure But here's the problem.
People don't know how to let go. That's why they're stressed. That's why they're not happy. Like, for example, I wanted to go to Germany with a friend of mine, but he doesn't want to go because he's Jewish in the whole Holocaust thing. I said, let it go. Let it go. Let's go. While we're there, you can key your Mercedes. There, you're even. And then other people are just very happy in life. Like the people that live in New Zealand.
Have you noticed? Those are happy people. They don't care about anything. They have fun. They fling themselves off of bridges with a bungee cord. You know, they love the bungee thing down there. Anything they could jump off of, they love that. Even when they have babies now, for the first month, they don't cut the umbilical cord. They let them dangle like that. You thought having an untied shoelace was annoying, but that is like unbelievable.
Yes, some people resort to drugs to find happiness. You know, I'm not a prude or anything. You know, I've done some stuff, you know. I tried ecstasy once. But, uh, only as a breath man. And guess what? Curiously strong. Yeah. I had no complaints for like eight hours. Nothing. Nothing. I've never done cocaine in my life. Never. And believe me, I've been offered tons of cocaine during the 80s and 90s and all these comedy clubs, especially this one.
And, um, because at the time I had a very bad self-image and they would always bring it out on a mirror. And I don't want to see myself. If they brought it out on a breadboard, I'd probably be a coke head today. I really would. Everybody finds their happiness wherever it is, you know. My parents are happy. They're in their 80s. And they've been married for 61 years. Yeah. And they still hold hands.
But I think that's the key from falling over, to be honest with you. Yeah. They came out to visit us last weekend because my son was having his fifth birthday party. It's very difficult to plan a party for a five-year-old because you have to plan it around their nap. You know what I mean? And he naps at two o'clock. Then I had to find out when all his friends at school took their naps. I had to find out when my parents nap.
And, you know, I power nap at three o'clock every day. So I had to plan the party when everyone would be awake at the same time. So we had it at seven in the morning. Everybody was wide awake. We had egg beaters. It was delicious. I love to sleep. I really do. It's getting to be that time of the year, too, which is a lot better than that time of the month. I'll tell you that. But this is sleeping weather.
The winter is the best. In the winter, I sleep my windows open with a lot of blankets. You like to do that? Get all cozy. Right? You get that draft coming in from outside. Oh, I love that. And then the summer, I crank the air conditioner all the way up. I open up the windows. I sleep out in the backyard. Yeah. You get that draft coming from inside the house. Oh, I like that. That's nice. I like that.
You ever been so tired you fell asleep sitting up? That happened to me like four days ago. And I woke up and I thought, Jesus, I better pull over. This is dangerous. And it is dangerous. What with the economy the way it is. but yeah barack obama i mean everybody's blaming him because of the economy and i'm telling you this country would not be in this position if wesley snipes had paid his taxes you got to put the blame where the blame belongs i love politicians they're so creepy they're just such liars you know they'll tell you anything i like the ads the commercials they show them hunting you know like pheasants and rabbits with the rifle as if they think we're gonna watch that commercial see them shooting and think oh well they're good protectors of our country if ever we go to war but seriously when was the last time we went to war with pheasants or rabbits you know it doesn't happen you don't know who's telling the truth if you want the truth ask a child and then punish them because you don't get ahead in this world by being honest that's not that's not what you do i think comics are good liars they're good bs artists uh and i'm speaking for myself here too you know i remember when i was about 17 years old i wanted a guitar and i didn't have the money for it but i saw that dunkin donuts was hiring a donut maker they need a donut maker i've never made a donut in my life but i wanted to get this guitar so um i figured i'd work there for a couple of weeks and then i quit get my guitar because i'm not going to work at dunkin donuts for the rest of my life so i had an interview with a manager and he really liked me and then at the end of the interview he said now you're not just going to quit after a couple of weeks are you i said no this is what i want to do and then i quit a couple of weeks later i didn't get the money for the guitar seriously i don't want to get sick it's not going to happen i've not gotten a flu shot yet you guys gotten flu shots yeah yes no no yes um it seems like everybody's giving out flu shots you know the guy at cvs gives them out i guess a target everywhere my mechanics give them out after every oil change am i the only guy that doesn't know how to give a flu shot are these ex-junkies that are giving flu shots are they putting the belt around you before they do it that's not a good sign right there i'm afraid of needles to be honest with you i don't like the needles that's why i don't have tattoos oh i'd have tattoos if i had my needles i get a couple tattoos a couple tats as they call it tats maybe i get a tramp stamp sure why not i'd be the first guy to get a tramp stamp guys don't get tramp stamps do they i wouldn't get a butterfly though i would get i would probably get like um maybe some extra belt loops back here you know just something practical but here's the thing if you're a 21 year old girl and you want a tramp stamp don't get it down here in your lower back get it behind your neck here because eventually your skin is gonna sag all the way down to here you you'll see because if you get it here from the get-go very soon it's gonna become a taint stamp and in that case you should get a bat because it's gonna be hanging upside down right here you heard me i'm trying to help you out i'm only trying to help you out Yeah, marriage is tough, I think, for some people.
Everybody, you know, sometimes they'll have like an affair or something in the relationship, but they call it a hiccup and they say, "We got back together." But I think it's more than a hiccup. It's more like a burp with a little puke coming out, I think, if you want to be honest. Yeah. Now, personally, I am very loyal. I'm very romantic. I just renewed my vows. With another woman, with another woman.
But still, good. I get guys, 'cause why? I'm a guy, too. Yeah! And I understand guys. I, too, have a wandering eye. Sure. But luckily, my other eye is a lazy eye. So it's a push. They can't flee each other out. The wandering eye is like, "Hey, baby, what do we say? Go back up to your place and have a little drink." And then the lazy eye comes around, "Oh, this looks like a lot of work." "Can I just have a cookie?
Can I have a cookie?" "Even in my dreams, you would not believe the opportunities I've passed up." You do this, you wake up in the morning, you go, "Oh, no! That was just a dream?" "You mean, I could have been with all the ladies from The View? But no!" "Are they still hot? I haven't seen the show in a while. Are they still pretty hot?" "I record a lot of shows, DVR a lot of shows, but I never end up watching them."
I just like freeing up space on the DVR to make room for new shows that I'm never going to see. You know what I mean? That's where my entertainment comes from, freeing up space. Just knowing I have that space. You know, like a lot of people want to get their body fat down to 15%. I want to get the available space in my DVR down to 76%. Then I'll be happy. I'll tell you what I do watch, though. You got a minute?
What I like to watch is, they're kind of reality shows. I call them the hot chick trials. It's like these pretty women that are in trial for these crazy crimes like murder. You know what I'm talking about, like Casey Anthony, Amanda Knox, really pretty girls. I went in Italy, but they never get, you know, acute. They never get sent to prison because they're too pretty and if there's a guy in the jury, they're not gonna have it.
They want them out on the street. That's just the way it is. If you're poor and unattractive, yeah, sure, maybe you go to prison. But, you know, and again, I'm a guy. I get it. I understand it. I was watching that Casey Anthony trial for like four days in a row, and I'm watching and I'm thinking, "Wow, she's kind of cute. Hope she doesn't go to prison." But then on the fifth day, she came 