Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Big Baby Boomer' (2012) by Louie Anderson on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Gas Station Supper and Under the Counter.

Louie Anderson

Big Baby Boomer

I was starving, and there's nothing open in Canada at 12.30. I said to the guy who was driving me, he goes, there's really nothing open. I go, take me to the gas station. I like that food. Women won't eat it, but men will. I'm not eating that. What's wrong with that? It's tuna. It's packaged. I'll get that and the apple they played hacky sack with. Don't you think they throw the fruit around when no one's there?
Whoever's working, hey, Bill! I come out of the store, and a homeless guy comes up to me. He goes, I haven't eaten in five days. Well, you're not getting this. I didn't say it, but I thought it, you know. You know, haven't eaten in five days. What's that like? I went three hours once, but that was just a bad waiter. I gave him money so he could get his tuna sandwich. And the guy driving me goes, you know he's going to buy dope with that.
Well, I didn't think he was going to start an IRA. Of course he's going to buy crack with that. Why not? If you're homeless, you buy crack. If you're on crack, you don't think you're homeless. How are you doing? I'm president! I'm president! Sometimes I'll be out driving, I'll think to myself, huh, where am I off to? I got to do the fake call home. Hey, you want anything when I'm over there? At the dentist?
Oh, thank you. I'm going to get you some floss, the minty kind. You slow the car down when you're older? What is that, a new Walgreens? Whoever thought drugstores are going to be so interesting? Look at this thing, it keeps your toes apart. I'm dumb too, there's a dumb part of me, getting that drug star, asking the pharmacist questions. So, what's the, on the Prilosec, what's the, what's the OTC stand for?
The pharmacist looks at me and goes, over the counter. Oh, I'm going to be under the counter right now. I can't see anymore. Thinking about getting a miner's helmet. I dropped it down here somewhere. What are you doing? I'm looking for gold, goddammit. What do you think I'm doing? I mean I can see all you, I just can't read anything, smaller than these Egypt signs in red here. You never have the glasses when you need them.
Where are you, Louie? I'm at the hotel. Well, what's your number there on the phone, son of a bitch? Just hold on now. Oh, here it is. Seven. Jeez, it looks like they put a W in it. Are they putting letters in the phone numbers again? Thank you. He said, "We'd like to do an angioplasty on you." "Oh, no, my breasts are big enough." I mean, when I heard angioplasty, I'll be honest with you, I went, "Didn't I have that at Olive Garden once?"
"Can I get the endless angioplasty, please?" I go, "What's an angioplasty?" He goes, "Well, we take a wire." "A wire?" I flashback to my dad working on the car, "Gimme a wire, dammit, I'll fix this, dammit." "We'll get these brakes working." Yeah, we take a wire, we go in through your groin. "Who's we?" "It's not that Congressman Wiener, is it?" "That's a horrible name to grow up with, isn't it?" "You're punched every day at school with that name."
"Wiener, get over here!" So I agreed to do it, 'cause, you know, they dope you up in the hospital, you agree to stuff, you know? "Isn't it true? You ready to go?" "I'm ready to go!" "I'm President!" So I get down to the angioplasty place, the same people who make the robes make the tables. "One cheek over the line, sweet Jesus." Well, what an amazing time, you know, I lay back on that thing. And it's amazing, I look up and here is my heart on a monitor.
And I knew it was my heart too, 'cause that thing was wrapped in bacon. And the doctor comes in and he goes, "Do you see your heart?" "Yeah." "It's a Hormel." He goes, "Do you know which arteries are blocked?" He goes, "You don't know!" "Listen, if you're not sure..." "So he heads towards my groin." "And you hardly ever say that, do you?" "So he heads towards my groin." "Sounds like the beginning of a 48 hours."
"He heads towards my groin." "He was feeding the wire in my artery." "That or a puppet show was going on." "You shut up." "No, you shut up." And the wire, you know, it's got to go up the I-90. And then over this 15. You get excited when the wire shows up. "You're in!" And he's going to put that wire in. Now they do it, I think, even more amazingly. But the wire goes in, bam, the arteries opened up.
He tried it like 30 times. I finally said to him, "Doc, what's going on?" He goes, "I'm going to get a colleague." "I don't care if you get a shepherd." "I hear labs are nice, dogs." So he gets me the head of angioplasty. He's coming in. "Why didn't I have him to begin with?" He fixed my heart right up. And right now, my heart's 100%. I'm really lucky. That's the amazing part, that they can take a guy like me and make my heart 100%.
You know? Well, that's very nice of you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I just had a stress test. Do you know what that is? Where you have your whole family over? Yeah, I love my family. But it is true with families, isn't it? They're stressful. You think technology is going to help you. Like the cell phone, the caller ID. Adolf Hitler. How did that maniac get a hold of my number? Oh, that's going to voicemail.
He's a talker. People text me now. I text them back. Halfway through my text back, they text me again. Are you okay? I call them. Hey! I need more time! Where's the space bar on this damn phone? And thanks is not spelled with an X. And I don't mind getting old. You know, I know how it's going to go for me. That's a good thing for being from a big family. Eleven kids. I'm tenth of eleven. Second to youngest.
I go home. I see what's all played out for me. It's like that Darwin chart. Thank you very much. Thank you, York. no i had a heart episode you know what that is that's what they call it when you have really good insurance that even doesn't even sound bad he's got a heart episode no big deal i woke up in the middle of the night and i go i didn't eat tacos i drove myself to the hospital you know so i could have that last cigarette well if you're gonna go it's a good thing kfc wasn't open yeah they found him in the car he kicked the bucket holding the bucket did he leave a note well there was something written on the window in gravy it was either sorry or coleslaw i didn't know this if you're a fat person and you go to the hospital and you say chest pains you're in fat guy chest pains come on down what about the guy with no head we got a bucket of eyes coming out for him the nurse takes me in a room and she goes here sir put this on she puts the ekg thing on me tears it off you know i go what does it say we don't read them the doctor comes in you're always happy and relieved the doctor comes in foreign doctor always thrilled because i know they studied he goes mr anderson you didn't have a heart attack oh so good could you slide those cigarettes down here he goes but we think you've got some blockage well you know about that It's Deep Dish.
Ladies and gentlemen, Louie Anderson. Thank you so much. What a beautiful day, wasn't it? Wow. I almost went for a walk. I just got back from Canada. You know? First of all, I had to fly in the tiniest plane. So tiny they had to weigh us. Yeah, funny for you. The guy says, we're going to have to weigh you. Well, could I take my shoes off first? I had to lay in the aisle so we could land. Canada is something, isn't it?
You know, it's only a matter of time before they start measuring our butts. You realize that, don't you? Huh? I suppose it'll be like that thing you stick the bag in. To see if it'll fit in the overhead. Sir, can you put your butt in here? We don't think you're a coach seat. You don't? You hear your brother behind you. He's a stage coach seat. Then you do this to your brother. You ever do this? Tiny talk.
Only other family members and cats and dogs can understand it. You'll see women in the supermarket with their kids sometimes. Dogs and cats. Can't bring them into Canada unless they have a hockey uniform on. You have a dog or a cat. Dog. Aren't dogs great? The dog's always happy to see you. You're always happy to see you. No matter what. If you come back five times in five minutes, the dog is still happy to see you each time.
Huh? Oh my God, you came back. Oh, where'd you go? Don't ever leave me again. Now let me lick you. Cats don't care if you're home. Hey, Fluffy. Cats love when you're fat. They're always over there when you're fat. They're doing the elliptical, working out on your stomach, you know? Don't you move. I'll scratch the hell out of you. Have you been to Canada? Because it's an experience. First of all, you fill out the immigration thing.
Are you carrying $10,000 or more? Are you crazy? I'm coming from the States. We don't have $10,000. Are you bringing any weapons? Yeah, I got a howitzer in my hollow leg. Does anybody say, yeah, I'm bringing weapons in and I'm flush with cash? How about the walk from the plane to customs? Have you ever done that? What is that for? To weed out the sick and infirmed? And I get up there and, you know, even though I don't have any drugs on me, I'm still nervous with the customs people.
I don't have any drugs. A donut maybe, but no drugs. And then he says to me, are you planning on visiting a farm while you're here? Well, should I? I get in there at 12.30 at night, you know. everybody's having their own crack food's mine i see those 99 cent mcdoubles i think how can i afford not to get one for three dollars i could be sick as a dog people talk about talk about food like it's drugs you ever hear people talk about oh my god we went down to this place you got to go down an alley and you knock they let you in there's food in there well where is it i can't tell you food is actually something that haunts me you know that's why i eat it and i open my drapes in the morning and right across the street mcdonald's pizza hut cold stone crispy cream that's my mount rushmore those are also my passwords mcdonald's pizza hut cold stone crispy and they're building an urgent care center right next to it not a minute too soon mcdonald's they started the whole thing they started feeding us when we were kids they said it's like dope when you drive by mcdonald's with your parents dad mcdonald's dad mcdonald's dad mcdonald's dad mcdonald's dad there's a liquor store by it dad Um, those aren't arches, those are butt cheeks.
You turn those around? Oh, I know her. i try to order healthy because i have thin friends they're always happy for you when you're fat and you order healthy your thin friends i don't know why they're just happy i'll get the chicken wrap oh louie you're gonna get a wrap so proud of you don't get too excited i'm having deep fry it one time i was in there i go what's a mac wrap we took a big mac and put it in a wrap you're all going to hell you want one yeah mcdonald's are good pizza all right i had that chicago pizza you ever been to chicago had the deep dish pizza jesus there's still a piece of that in my colon somewhere you get to a certain age you can't digest that anymore it's like a tennis shoe in the dryer sometimes i'll just be walking and go chicago i love a cold stone you have that that's good isn't that so many choices though would you like a cup or a cone crush a cone up and put it in the cup what size do you want grand canyon you want butterfinger in there yeah and don't forget his sister baby ruth you want us to crush a brownie in your do it that'll be 85 dollars i'll taste it could i get a shoulder strap how'd you hurt your arm ice cream i try to order healthy do you ever try that there's always like one or two things on there there's always salmon on it could i get the salmon on a plank i get the blindfold with that usually end up ordering the same thing can i get the grilled chicken some steamed broccoli please you want something on that broccoli steam you want some cheddar on there yeah could you steam it though can i get a caesar salad you want chicken or shrimp brownie louie what is that you're eating caesar salad is that a brownie on 