Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Michael Che Matters' (2016) by Michael Che on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Michael Che's Civil Rights Update | Netflix Is A Joke.

Michael Che

Michael Che Matters

I like to start with race stuff because I feel like right now there's a lot of tension. Blacks and cops aren't getting along. I don't know if you've seen the news in the past 400 years, but... I haven't seen it. Apparently we've hit a rough patch. My brother's a cop actually. I don't fuck with him. I love him. I love him. I just don't fuck with him. Not right now. It's too hot. I only see him Thanksgiving.
And even then I'm like, I'm reaching for the potatoes. He hates that shit. He doesn't find it funny at all. I think it's hysterical. We can't agree on anything anymore. As a country, we just can't agree. We just fight about everything. We can't even agree on black lives matter. That's a controversial statement. Black lives matter. Not matters more than you. Just matters. Matters. Just matters. That's where we're starting to negotiations.
Matters. We can't agree on that shit. What the fuck is less than matters? Black lives exist. Can we say that? Can we say... Is that controversial? We always ask for the lowest common denominator. We ask for the lowest rights. Gays were fighting for equal rights. Equal rights. That's... Could you believe that's an actual stance you could have? You could be for equal rights? That means there's people out there saying, I think everybody should have the same rights as everyone else.
And there's other people like, nah, son, I disagree. I just don't think so. Black people was fighting for civil rights, not even equal. Just civil. Can we get civil? Can we get... I'll take civil rights. Just be civil. We want civil. Can we get civil? Turn the fucking hoes off. Can we just get... They don't tell you black lives don't matter. That's not what they say. That's not the argument. They hit you with that slick shit.
Like, well, all lives matter. Really? Semantics? That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like, do you love me? And you were like, baby, I love everybody. What are you talking about? I love all God's creatures. What are you saying? You're no different. Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly? Thanks, black lady. Right? Why do we always got to get over shit every time we bring some shit up?
Slavery. Oh, that was 400 years ago. Segregation. Oh, you guys got Black History Month out of it. Come on. We gave you February. Police shooting. That was two weeks. Come on. You still? Still? 9/11. Oh, never forget. That's why this September I'm getting a t-shirt that says, "All Buildings Matter." Let me see how that works. No? You want one? I'll get two more. I'll get two more. I don't want to be offensive.
Let me know when I go too far. This shit's being taped. Say what you will about Hitler. Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in your neighborhood that I don't know about. Cops are getting shot. Gorillas are getting shot. Fuck that gorilla. Gun rights are in the Constitution. Or as I call it, the list of white guy perks. Screw the pooch, it means I made a mistake. And I was like, no man, it means you fucked a dog.
Paul, I think Jesus was a shitty carpenter. I think white girls killed Biggie. I think that was phase one. I don't go too far, do I? Any time a white guy asks me if they can say the n-word, it feels like an alcoholic asking if they can have a sip of my drink. It's probably harmless, but it's a slippery slope, and I don't want to be... I don't want to be responsible for that. I don't understand why white people can't just accept the fact that there's just some shit you can't say.
As a black guy, I know there's shit that I can't say, like screwed the pooch. I don't feel comfortable saying that shit right now, and it's my special. I didn't even know that was an actual saying. Have you ever heard that before? I didn't know that was... The first time I heard it, I was at work, and these interns were bringing us coffee, and they brought me the wrong coffee. And I was like, hey, man, I didn't know there was coffee.
And he goes, I'm sorry about that, Che. I really screwed the pooch on that one. And I said, what was that? And he goes, screw the pooch. It means I made a mistake. And I was like, no, man, it means you fucked the dog. They don't tell you black lives don't matter. That's not what they say. That's not the argument They hit you with that slick shit Like well all lives matter Really semantics That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like do you love me and you were like baby, I love everybody I love all God's creatures.
What are you saying? You're no different Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly? Thanks black lady Right why do we always gotta get over shit every time we bring some shit up Slavery oh that was 400 years ago Segregation you guys got black history month out of it. Come on We gave you february Police shooting that was two weeks. Come on. You're still still 9/11 oh never forget That's why this September I'm getting a t-shirt that says all buildings matter Let me see how that works Thank you.