Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Retaliation' (2005) by Dane Cook on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Superbleeder, Struck By A Vehicle, Abducted, The Friend Nobody Likes, and Making Up.

Dane Cook

Retaliation

we laugh but we love violence in this country we like violence we have those little violent tendencies I'm not the only person I know you're like me when you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt you just want to shoot them in the chest when they start to bleed go I guess not don't wear the shirt wear a shirt that says I bleed if you shoot me in the chestplate and I will not shoot you in the chestplate super bleeder I called him super bleeder Three weeks ago, one of my dreams came true.
I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car. Nailed. This guy got hit right in the hip. That's your center of gravity. And that sends you flipping through the air like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly. I always just miss it, right? I'm looking and then I go to order my twisty cone.
Oh, what? What happened? The guy got hit? No. I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it. This guy gets nailed. This is the setup. He's walking down the street and he's doing that wacky speed walk. He's got the buds in his ears and I don't know what you're listening to that makes you do this fucking walk. Maybe just a tambourine or maracas. Just... So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street.
He's got the not a good time to cross signal. As he's going across, I see the car coming down the street. When I see the car coming, I'm like, yes. Finally, don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. I got to see this. The guy goes flying into the air. His shoes flew off. When you get hit by a car, sometimes your shoes will fly off. Sometimes your pants will come off. But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike.
And before we go any further, here's the best part. This is how he lands on the other side of the car, which was a Dodge, by the way. And I thought that was kind of funny and ironic. I just, I got a little humor out of that. I did try to help this man. As the car was coming towards him, I reached out. And I said, oh! Oh! That's all I could think of to say. There's so many things now, in retrospect, that I would love to have been like, you're about to get struck by a vehicle!
I did not have time to say, you're about to get struck by a vehicle! So I went with, oh! Which is like a concerned moan. The guy gets tagged, okay? The greatest part of the story, he's in the air, flipping around. This is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet, and then he jumps in the air. And he starts walking around, embarrassed. He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit by a car.
People around him are like, oh my God! Oh my God, are you all right? Are you okay? He's like, I'm fine. I'm fine, seriously. I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry, but other than that, I'm fine. No, you should really sit down. You're bleeding from the ears. I know. I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks, I empty the blood out of my own head. It's a tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes?
I kick them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles, and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine. I'm just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush. I'm fine. one thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little I've always wanted to be abducted by a UFO yeah sometimes I just go hang out in the woods I'm just waiting for that blue light that's how they suck you up by a beam of light they suck you up by your chest and that's not necessary throw a rope ladder down I'll climb up I'm interested I'm here for you don't suck me up by my chest that hurts you're a hovering craft why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute it'd be great to be abducted what'd you guys do this weekend dude we got hammered it was awesome oh yeah I was abducted I was zipping around the galaxy sometimes when I think about if UFOs come down I get a little concerned because then I thought of this scenario this would be the ultimate full circle slap in the face of the United States what if this happens because look we're the greatest country on earth but we get a little cocky from time to time if we don't like the way your country is doing its business we'll kick the door in hey hey knock it off you're bugging the world cut it out and if you don't listen to us then we'll throw all kinds of weapons and crazy shit at you which we always apologize about using 20 or 30 years later listen we're really sorry about that we were a little drunk at the time and we got a little rambunctious the bomb we didn't know it was gonna do that we thought it was a contain blast and we didn't know it would make everything blown to smithereens and you were being kind of a bitch country country you were being kind of a bitch are we cool now do you mind if we leave like three four thousand troops and maybe some supplies here you don't mind that do you do you mind you wouldn't want us to get drunk again would you high five us photo op we get a little we get a little cocky what if this happens oh my god what if this happens what if the mothership comes over middle america and we're all sitting watching tv all the news crews are focused in and we're sitting there watching right what if when the hatches finally open out of the ufos come thousands of 100 foot native american indians we're gonna be watching like those are huge indians please tell me they're not giant indians god damn it they're huge indians all right good game america we had some fun huh hi giant indians we did some shit and could you show us how to make giant corn So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and I realized something, I realized something.
Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life, think of the group of friends that you've hung out with the most. Maybe you're all here tonight. And this is what I've realized, I had an epiphany and here it is right here. There is one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down.
Karen is always a douche bag. Every group has a Karen and she's always a bag of douche. When she's not around, you just look at each other and go, God, Karen, she's such a douche bag until she walks up and then you're like, Hey, what's up, Karen? Karen, what's up, Karen? There's always that one person and I'm looking out and some of you guys are like, I disagree. Well, you're the person. You're the person nobody likes.
No, it is so true. And that's why it's funny. It is so true. That's why it's funny. Because it's so true. Hence, funny. Your whole life, that person's been there too, right? That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian. Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up. Even if we didn't tell him where we were going. We would go someplace and he would do that. I just found you run. Hi guys. What's up guys?
And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group. We'd be like, "Fucking Brian's coming." What? Fucking Brian is coming. That's his name. Fucking Brian's coming. I heard a rumor when he was born. Even the doctor said, "Fucking Brian's coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here." That's what I'm saying. Quote, unquote. And you can quote me on the quote, unquote. those fights those are the ones that send you home and that awkward awful funk is just in the air when you live with that person oh you don't talk for like three and a half days you keep seeing each other you walk by each other in the hall like a couple of gunslingers those are fantastic moments right there ladies i will say this you you will try to heal the wound first but we're not ready we're never ready when you're ready we're not we're still mad but you'll try maybe we're passing each other in the hall or something and ladies you'll finally stop us and go is there any any laundry that you'd like me to do is there any laundry you'd like done but again we're not ready well there's some laundry i'd like to pack i'll tell you that when you get to the moment where it's time to finally heal the big bad wound that usually takes place in the kitchen that's what i found the healing takes place in the kitchen something about the kitchen it's medicinal and you'd like to heal relationships there usually guys were in there right maybe washing off some plates or some dirty dishes and we're still mad and when a guy is mad we talk to ourself and there's one word that guys will say over and over when we're pissed off we'll just keep going unbelievable night and day night and day unbelievable unbelievable unbelievable unbelievable then ladies you come in finally you come into the room very soft very you come in we don't know you're there at first you just kind of stand behind us hi hey yeah hey what's up do you want me to do you want me to help you with the dishes uh yeah if you want to just do it in the dishes okay i'll help you you got your you got your you got your hair cut looks nice yeah yeah i uh fucking got it cut looks nice it's shorter on the side yeah told her shorter looks nice can i just say something can i just say something right now i just want i really would like to just say something and listen i'm not trying to instigate and i'm not trying to get you riled up but there was jelly in this cabinet right here i told you that yeah i see it now thank you thank you i know about it now i'm very very aware of the jelly situation in the house now thank you thanks a lot hey hey i don't want to fight with you i want to fight for us can i just say something can i just i have to say something and i really want you to hear me with what i'm going to say and could you please look at me yeah all eyes on you what's up i just want to say something i am not a twat and i just i just don't understand i don't understand what happened to us i just don't understand why you got so angry hey come here come here come here come here baby come here come here come here come here give me a hug come here i just don't like to see you so upset come here are you okay are you okay are you okay are you all right are you okay i can't breathe i know dear welch's god thank you for your jelly-like intervention with this twat thank you welch's god of thunder and jelly and jam or something like that okay so I got to put it out there I got to tell you right now because once in a while in our lifetime we have experiences and we have to share them I had a one-night stand recently with all those chicks you just heard it was nuts those 14 of them and me it's a very sexual crowd in here tonight you can feel it you can definitely feel it pulsing in fact you know what we're gonna we're gonna play a little game we're gonna play a little sexual game tonight check it out this is what we do we turn off all the lights in the room this game's called who's in my mouth and it's fun you don't think you want to play but it's addictive it's like Jenga you start playing you're like all right who's next who's next who's in my mouth wait wait a minute I got it oh all right no big ball wait I had a one night stand an ONS and ons and let's be honest here let's talk about this for a second we've all been in the one night situation and uh we've all settled everybody's settled from time to time we've all been with a lagoon creature if I may we've all been with a bucket of yuck if I may we've all been with a what the fuck am I doing here if I may and that stinks that's awful when you're doing it and you look down and Skeletor's looking up at you oh no I'm gonna fuck you to castle Grayskull and then I'm out of here it's awful so I meet this girl and we start uh chit-chatting we're doing a little chit-chat right we're standing at the bar a little chit a little chat and then finally in guy mode I start th